++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++

[*Yibida*]

[tommy.irene]

METRO REPORTER - 23rd July, 2010 Share| .Ashes of Coronation Street cat Frisky sold for £700

The ashes of Frisky the cat, who starred in the opening sequence of Coronation Street were sold yesterday for £700 – almost five times their estimated value.

[tommy.irene]

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"

Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

[tommy.irene]

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

[*FluffyDuckee*]

[tommy.irene]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch

[tommy.irene]

 

 
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
 

[tommy.irene]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[tommy.irene]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands. Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appeared and screeched to a halt beside him. The driver, a smartly dressed woman wearing a Chanel suit, Ray Bans and a Cartier watch, stepped out and asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"

The shepherd looked at the large flock and said 'Okay'. The woman connected a laptop to a mobile phone/fax, entered the NASA website, scanned the field using GPS, opened a database linked to 60 Excel files with algorithms and pivot tables, then printed out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.

She studied the report then said to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

The shepherd replied "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."

The woman packed away her equipment, looked at the flock and put an animal in the boot of her Porsche. As she was about to leave the shepherd said "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?" The woman thought for a moment, then agreed. The shepherd said, "You are a NHS manager," "Correct," replied the woman, "but how did you know?"

The shepherd replied "Simple. First you came without being invited. Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway – Now, can I have my bloody dog back?"

[tommy.irene]

I bought a new deodorant stick today,
instuctions said,
remove wrapper and push up bottom.

I can hardly walk, but, when I fart, the room smells lovely

[tommy.irene]

I boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking my seat as I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside me.

"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen, sitting next to me and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded." I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," I replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[tommy.irene]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[tommy.irene]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The man says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.

[tommy.irene]

Dave and Pete turned out regularly for their local amateur Rugby Club.

One day, as they were getting changed, Dave saw that Pete was wearing a pair of lacy red ladies panties.

“Christ Pete, are you turning funny or what? How long you been wearing THEM?”

Through gritted teeth Pete said,

“Ever since the bloody wife found ‘em in the car!”

[tommy.irene]

Hi..

[*Yibida*]

Boo...

[tommy.irene]

 

[tommy.irene]

Goodmorning everyone...

[*smee*]

G'day Thomas

[*FluffyDuckee*]

Here ya go Tommy...   

[tommy.irene]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green ..'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

I know I have.

[tommy.irene]

It's a slow day in Rochdale. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.



As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.


The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.



The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.



The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.



The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.



The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.



At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.



No one produced anything. No one earned anything.



However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today

[tommy.irene]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered and groaned a little for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.

The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said,






"Pepper."

[tommy.irene]

My Dog




Went down this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.




He gets his first cheque on Friday.




Damn this is a great country.

[tommy.irene]

Ebay have messed up the the UK Questions and Answers board..its all new..

[*Brum6y*]

Ebay have messed up the the UK Questions and Answers board..its all new..

.... and we thought that privelege was just ours.

Welcome to the brave new world.


(apologies to Aldous Huxley)

[tommy.irene]

Ebay uk seems to be working ok now..

[tommy.irene]

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

[tommy.irene]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony

[tommy.irene]

Good morning..

[tommy.irene]

I  am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant.  The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next  door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the  mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You  Mecca Me So Hot". 
 
Next  door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork and have an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special.   Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods. 
 
Next  door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"? 

If  you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on.

[tommy.irene]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.  I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.  If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'</span>

[tommy.irene]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of

other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

 

 


“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”

Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.
 

[*CountessA*]

I hear the eBay UK board has been given the special eBay-Fixed-It treatment... 

[*Brum6y*]

I hear the eBay UK board has been given the special eBay-Fixed-It treatment... 

Why does that statement send a cold shiver down my spine...?


(Today's example of the English language at work: The rhetorical question.)

[tommy.irene]

Its great to be alive....

[HellWest'nCrooked]

Hear  Hear Tommy.......hope you and Irene are both well.


Westie 

[tommy.irene]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.  "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
  Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the blummin thing up.   
 Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and hercontractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"   
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For goodness sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"   
 An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.   
 Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".    An answer I can understand.   
An American tourist asks an Irishman:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the blummin boat" 

[tommy.irene]

Gallagher opened the morning paper, and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
" Did you see the paper? " asked Gallagher." They say I died!"
" Yes, I saw it," came the reply," where are ye calling from?"


Two old ladies were walking through a museum, and got separated.When they met up again later,the first old lady said to the second,"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied," Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing? The penis on it was so large!"
Whereupon the first old lady accidentally blurted out," ....and cold too!"

[tommy.irene]

 
There was a Blonde and her husband.One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."
 
 

[*smee*]

1490 snipe

[tommy.irene]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles   Have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '   Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'    God said, 'Ah, yes.''Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !   1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension                          2. It chatters constantly at high speeds                 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust   5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!      'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

[tommy.irene]

Now for a long one.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.   Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ....                  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:                  On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out                 furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"                  ---o0o---                  On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."                  ----o0o---                  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."                  ----o0o---                  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out  of this airplane."                   ---o0o---                  "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business  as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."                  ---o0o---                  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"                  ---o0o---                  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as                  heck everything has shifted."                  ---o0o---                  From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth ...  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, andpull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't  know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."                  ---o0o---                  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your  face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask   before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."                  ---o0o---                  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but   we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."                  ----o0o---                  "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an   emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our  compliments."                  ---o0o---                  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.                  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight   attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."                  ---o0o---                  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in  the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"                  ---o0o---                  Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bumpand I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight  attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."                  ---o0o---                  Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight    it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies   and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats  with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"                  ---o0o---                 

[tommy.irene]

     ---o0o---                  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:                   "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."                  ---o0o---                  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered   his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which  required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers       exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.                  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking   with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"                  "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,                  "Did we land, or were we shot down?"                  ---o0o---                   After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on   with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt    against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your waythrough the wreckage to the terminal.."                  ---o0o---                  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank     you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get theinsane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal  tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."                  ---o0o---                  Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."                  ---o0o---                  A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence  followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"  A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of   mine!"



 

[tommy.irene]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on  their faces.

 

After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

 

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.''

 

 

Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

 

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.  Says the coroner....   'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

[tommy.irene]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."The Doctor says: "That's absolutely terrible. But help is at hand - I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"The Doctor says: "The tea does bu***r all; it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[tommy.irene]

35 Days to Christmas..

[tommy.irene]

CONGRATULATIONS!!YOUR EMAIL HAS WON ($200, 000USD)AUSTRALIAN INTL LOTTERY!!!?
03:34
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Hide details Australian Lottery Inc Australian Lottery Inccharales_loud_m@yahoo.com
 
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From: Australian Lottery Inc (charales_loud_m@yahoo.com) 
Sent: 26 November 2010 03:34:33
To:  info@info.com



                                                             UNI,24 HIGHER AVENUE HARRIS PARK 
                                                                     GRANVILLE NSW  0152 SYDNEY
                                                                                 AUSTRALIA.
 
                                 
                             DEAR WINNER,
                 
         
Ref: 475061725   
Batch: 7056490902 /18 
 Winning no: GB8701/LPRC
CONGRATULATIONS!!
 
 Dear Sir/Madam,
 
We are delighted to inform you of your prize release on the  25,Nov 2010 ,from the Australian Lottery  program.
   
This is a bonus to promote lotto in Australia Which is fully based on an electronic selection of winners using their e-mail addresses form some site.
Your email address was attached to ticket number; 47061725 07056490902 serial number 7741137002 This batch draws the luck ky numbers as follows
5-13-33-37-42bonus number17,which consequently won the lotto in the second category.You here by have been approved a lump sum pay of US$200,000.00 (TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/02 from the total cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category.
 
All participant were selected through a computer balloting  system drawn form Nine hundred thousand E-mail addresses from
Canada,Australia,United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East,Africa and Oceania as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually.
This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some multinational companies as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.
 
Further more your details (e-mail address) falls within our European representative office in Amsterdam, Holland, as indicated in your play coupon and your prize of US$200,000.00 will be released to you from this regional branch office in NIGERIA.
 
We hope with part of your prize, you will participate in our end of year high stakes for US$1.3 Billion international draw.
 
HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE: Simply contact our fiducially
your paying bank(FIRST BANK NIGERIA PLC) E-mail address remittance. departmentnigeriaplc@gmail.com
E-mail address department.of.firstbank@gmail. com ! to file for your claim .
 
Please quote your reference,batch and winning number which can be found on the top left corner of this notification as well as your full name, address and telephone number to help locate your file easily.
  Note, all winnings MUST be claimed before the end of this programmer; otherwise all funds will be returned as Unclaimed and eventually donated to charity organizations.
 
AUSTRALIA LOTTERIES WINNER APPLICATION FORM OF PAYMENT.
THIS FORM IS TO ENABLE THE BANK HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE INFORMATION ABOUT THE PRIZE WINNER. FILL IT AND SEND TO THE PAYING BANK FOR YOUR DOCUMENTATION OF CLAIM..
 
ATTENTION!!!
 
FULL NAME.......................... .
 
BIRTH DATE.........................
     
ADDRESS....................... .....
     
SEX........................... .....
           
NATIONALITY................... .....
     
OCCUPATION.................... .....
   
TELEPHONE..................... .....
   
EMAIL......................... .....
         
DATE.......................... .....
     
WINNING NO.........................
 
REFERENCE NO.......................
 
BATCH NO............................
   
 
                             (APPROVED FOR PAYMENT)
YOU ARE TO FOLLOW BANK PROCEDURES AND YOU WILL GET YOUR PRIZE MONEY WITHIN 48 WORKING HOURS. CONTACT THE BANK THEY WILL GIVE YOU AN OPTION FOR YOU TO SELECT ON HOW YOU WANT THEM TO TRANSFER YOUR PRIZE.
YOU HAVE TO USE THE INFORMATION BELOW TO CONTACT THE PAYING BANK...
 
BANK CONTACT PERSON:
DR.Atiku Bello. Executive Director
(Corporate and International Banking Remittance).
FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC
INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
FIRST BANK PLAZA #1 BANK ROAD
WUSE ABUJA FCT-NIGERIA PLC
BANK CONTACT E-MAIL ADDRESS
E-MAIL remittance. departmentnigeriaplc@gmail.com
E-MAIL department.of.firstbank@gmail. com BANK TEL:+234-805-195-0996.
(INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT)                                                                                                                                             
Yours faithfully,                                           
Carol Sweet
Online coordinator for                 
AUSTRALIAN  LOTTO PROGRAMME,   
Sweepstakes International Program 
 
 
 
 
 

[*smee*]

hell

[*smee*]

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