Author Topic: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++  (Read 288648 times)

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2150 on: January 06, 2017, 02:24:05 PM »
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a violent street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God, there are some evil, thieving street gangers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”

God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Send them down to hell.”

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling, “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!”

-“Who, the street gangers?”

-“No, the Pearly Gates.”
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2151 on: January 07, 2017, 09:36:52 PM »
My wife was furious when I untagged myself from some pictures she put up of me on Facebook. "They were totally embarrassing!" I pleaded with her. "Embarrassing?" My wife snapped. "It was our wedding day you pig "..
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2152 on: January 09, 2017, 09:23:02 PM »
Laptop and i Pad Cleaner.. Can be used on Phones too...

http://bit.ly/19d8ABV
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2153 on: January 14, 2017, 06:44:19 PM »
.. A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison.
He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.”
At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!”
“The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans.
The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!”
“Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks – utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2154 on: January 17, 2017, 04:07:04 PM »
A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets. The boy behind the counter said,
-“Gosh, you’re ugly aren’t you?, I’ve never seen anyone so hideous as you before.”
-“Young man” she replied. ” I didn’t come here to be insulted!”
-“Really”, he said, “Where do you usually go ?”
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tommy.irene

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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2156 on: January 31, 2017, 06:31:05 AM »
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2157 on: February 01, 2017, 11:57:51 PM »
Laptop and i Pad Cleaner.. Can be used on Phones too...


http://bit.ly/19d8ABV
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2158 on: February 02, 2017, 09:34:21 PM »
A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2159 on: February 06, 2017, 08:46:14 PM »
Sorry McDonald's lovers yucky news!!

I knew there was a reason why I like Jamie Oliver!!

Hamburger chef Jamie Oliver has just won a battle against one of the largest fast food chains in the world. After Oliver showed how McDonald’s hamburgers are made, the franchise announced it will change its recipe.

According to Oliver, the fatty parts of beef are “washed” in ammonium hydroxide and used in the filling of the burger. Before this process, according to the presenter, the food is deemed unfit for human consumption.

According to the chef and presenter, Jamie Oliver, who has undertaken a war against the fast food industry: “Basically, we’re taking a product that would be sold in the cheapest way for dogs, and after this process, is being given to human beings.”

Besides the low quality of the meat, the ammonium hydroxide is harmful to health. Oliver calls it “the pink slime process.”

“Why would any sensible human being put meat filled with ammonia in the mouths of their children?” asked the chef, who wages a war against the fast food industry.

In one of his initiatives, Oliver demonstrates to children how nuggets are made. After selecting the best parts of the chicken, the remains (fat, skin and internal organs) are processed for these fried foods.

The company, Arcos Dorados, the franchise manager in Latin America, said such a procedure is not practiced in the region. The same applies to the product in Ireland and the UK, where they use meat from local suppliers.

In the United States, Burger King and Taco Bell had already abandoned the use of ammonia in their products. The food industry uses ammonium hydroxide as an anti-microbial agent in meats, which has allowed McDonald’s to use otherwise “inedible meat.”

Even more disturbing is that because ammonium hydroxide is considered part of the “component in a production procedure” by the USDA, consumers may not know when the chemical is in their food.

On the official website of McDonald’s, the company claims that their meat is cheap because, while serving many people every day, they are able to buy from their suppliers at a lower price, and offer the best quality products.

In addition, the franchise denied that the decision to change the recipe is related to Jamie Oliver’s campaign. On the site, McDonald’s has admitted that they have abandoned the beef filler from its burger patties.
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2160 on: February 11, 2017, 03:38:20 PM »
In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in… …. ….
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He had memorized Moscow street maps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. …

The big day finally came, and he was parachuted into the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
“Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
“5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
“It’s just around the block, Comrade American.”
Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka. …
“Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?”
“Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2161 on: February 16, 2017, 09:02:42 PM »
A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

– I want my husband to have eyes only for me.

– I want to be the only one in his life.

– I want him to sleep always by my side.

– I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone….!!!
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2162 on: February 22, 2017, 09:41:04 PM »
On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.
-“Oh, it’s not over yet.” He said.
Once home, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and inside are two small tablets.
She asked, “But what are these two little pills?”
-“Aspirin.” The man replied.
-“But, I don’t have a headache.” She said.
-“There you go, I told you the evening wasn’t over yet!” he snidely said.
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2163 on: February 26, 2017, 03:21:46 PM »
The regular taster at a winery died and the director had to look for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
-“That’s correct”, said the boss.
The boss handed him another glass. “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
-“Correct.”
A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2164 on: March 06, 2017, 10:08:17 PM »
I asked my neighbour what her little daughter wanted for her birthday ???? She said its all the rage the kids love it so anything Frozen....the kid looked angry with the Iceland peas I got her..
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2165 on: March 25, 2017, 06:50:16 PM »
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked,
-“Honey, are you feeling all right?”
-“Not really,” the blonde replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”
-“Poor dear,” Mom said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?”
-“I couldn’t,” she replied, “There was no one there.”
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*CountessA*

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2166 on: April 03, 2017, 12:03:56 AM »
I may have a claim to the throne of England.

This claim is based upon an invisible and as-yet undiscovered family tree written on bark. You cannot get much better verification than that.
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2167 on: April 07, 2017, 02:59:56 PM »
I walked by the bathroom, and my wife was in there covering her face in creams and lotions. “What are you doing?” I asked her sarcastically. “I’m trying to make myself beautiful.” 15 minutes later, I walked by again and she was wiping it all off… “Giving up already?” I asked
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2168 on: April 29, 2017, 04:59:34 PM »
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

-“Doctor,” she replied shyly, “I just can’t undress in front of you.”

-“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re through.”

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:

-“Doctor, I’ve undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?”

-“Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2169 on: May 03, 2017, 05:49:14 PM »
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,
-“Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second student replied,
-“Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first accountant nodded approvingly,
-“Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted.”
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*CountessA*

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2170 on: May 26, 2017, 10:42:55 PM »
To all the people of the UK, in particular those living in the Manchester region...

My love and sympathy go out to all of you. You do not deserve such an attack; facing the aftermath with mutual support shows your strength of heart and your courage in the face of terrorism.
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"