++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++

[tommy.irene]

 take the last 2 digits of the year you were



born plus the age you will be this year and it will



come to 111 , anybody on here get a different answer?

[tommy.irene]

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.
 

[tommy.irene]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband

[tommy.irene]

A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?” she asked

[tommy.irene]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[tommy.irene]

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?
1st woman:    I froze to death.
2nd woman:   How horrible!
1st woman:  ;   It wasn't so bad. After I quit  shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman:    So, what happened?
2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[tommy.irene]

A guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your private parts which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the State Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee  in your eyes".
 
 

[tommy.irene]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

[tommy.irene]

x

[attachment deleted by admin]

[tommy.irene]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!

[tommy.irene]

  What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!" 

[tommy.irene]

 1. Men are like Laxatives
They irritate the carp out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3 Men are like Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.

4 Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[tommy.irene]

 


Indians' Land


When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were: -
No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that
system!
 

[tommy.irene]

Druggist's Bad Day


Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I
didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then
I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still
ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[tommy.irene]

 
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream.
It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."


 
 

[tommy.irene]

A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.
The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

[tommy.irene]

Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

[tommy.irene]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[HellWest'nCrooked]

 

Good one Tommy!

[tommy.irene]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

 

[tommy.irene]

   Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy,  I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"                         
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."                         
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.. What changed your mind?"                     
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."                         
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"                         
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left me hat.",___


 
 

[tommy.irene]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[tommy.irene]

 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............






"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 
 

[tommy.irene]

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

[tommy.irene]

 Spanish airports strike dates 2011
Mar 8, 2011 11:44 PM
 
...Spanish news.... strike update....April 20,21,24,25,30...May2,14,15,19,20.....June13,23,30....July 1,2,3,4,15,31..August 1,15,31.
 
 

[tommy.irene]

 
“Hi, police department? I’ve lost my cat and …
“Sorry lady, this is not a police job, we are too busy…
“But you don’t understand… this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human.
He can practically talk.”
“Well, you’d better hang up, lady. He may be trying to call you right now.”

[tommy.irene]

Murphy phones his missus, can you 'get me some shampoo I'm in the shower', she says "there is shampoo in the shower" he says "yes but it's for dry hair and i've just wet mine".

[tommy.irene]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
 

[tommy.irene]

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

[tommy.irene]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[tommy.irene]

Insurance Company
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

[tommy.irene]

 
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.



A nurse noticed his predicament.  " Sir", she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'



He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.



Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR.



Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist........



He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.



Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.



When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..



The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.



Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. 'What happened?' he exclaimed.



"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button".



 









 



 



 








'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p***s is under your pillow.'
 
 

[tommy.irene]

"CONFUSIUS! HE SAY"-



man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient,



a passionate kiss is like a spiders web-leads to undoing of fly,



better to be p--d off, than p--d ON,



lady who goes camping must be aware of evil intent,



squirrel runs up lady's leg, will not find nuts,



man who leaps off a cliff, jumps to conclusion,



war does not determine who is right, but who is left,



man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night,



it takes many nails to build a crib, but only 1 screw to fill it,



a man who drives like hell,is sure to get there,



man who fish in another mans well,will often catch crabs,



& FINALLY,



A lion will not cheat on his wife,but  a tiger wood.

[tommy.irene]

 



Daddy, how was I born?



A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'  The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.



Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.



We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.



There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.



As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



 




 'you got Male!


 
 

[tommy.irene]

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW



In a Launderette: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT



In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS



In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAYPLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



Outside a second-hand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.   WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?



Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS



Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR



Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR



Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.



On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[tommy.irene]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

[tommy.irene]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[tommy.irene]

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.



More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'



After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'



'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Banker looks down in horror.


 
 

[tommy.irene]

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”

[tommy.irene]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A Customer came in and asked for a seven-hundred and ten.   We all looked at each other and another Customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred and ten?'



She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, It is broken and I need a new one..'



She replied that she did not know exactly what it was for, but this piece had always been there, and is obviously important.



The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.   She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.



He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?



She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'



And there it was, just like in the drawing, and just like she had described.



The oil cap with "710" in big capital letters.



 

[tommy.irene]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, an Aussie, an American, a  Pakistani, an Indian, a Pole, a Canadian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Turk, a Jew, an Egyptian, a Japanese,  a Chinese a Frenchman, a German and a Spaniard all walk into a bar, and the doorman says ...



Sorry,



 



 



 



 



 



 








You can't come in without a Thai"     Boom! Boom! ..



 
 

[tommy.irene]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, I went into town and visited a shop.  When I came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and I said, 'Come on, "Sir", how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “a***hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.



So I called him a “s**t head”.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.



This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.  Just then my bus arrived, and I got on it and went home.  I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.  It's important at my age. 

[tommy.irene]

Gallagher opened the morning paper, and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
" Did you see the paper? " asked Gallagher." They say I died!"
" Yes, I saw it," came the reply," where are ye calling from?"


Two old ladies were walking through a museum, and got separated.When they met up again later,the first old lady said to the second,"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied," Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing? The penis on it was so large!"
Whereupon the first old lady accidentally blurted out," ....and cold too!"

[tommy.irene]

Dear Son,   



 Just a few lines with some home news and to let you know I'm still alive.



 I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.



We are all doing very well.



You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved.



Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.



I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.



This place is really nice.



It even has a washing machine.



I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.



Your father's got a really good job now.



He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.



Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.



 Your brother Tom is still in the army.



He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!



 Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery.



 Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.



They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.



I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week.



They are charging him with dope peddling.



I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.



The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.



Your father offered to buy it from him. 



The weather isn't bad here.



It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.



We had a letter from the undertaker.



 He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.   



About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.   



John locked his keys in the car yesterday..



We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.



Ralph was driving.



He rolled down the window and swam to safety.



Your other two friends were in the back.



They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.



There isn't much more news at this time.



Nothing much has happened.



 Your loving Mum.   



 



P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope. 

[tommy.irene]

The Inland Revenue  decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.



The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.



The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'



I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'



The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'



Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'



Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.



Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.



'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'



The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.



Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.



The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.



But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.



'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



 



Don't Mess with the Older  Generation!

 
 

[tommy.irene]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'



After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.



The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'



'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



 



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.



'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.



'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



 



The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'



Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



 



Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.



One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.



'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.



Larry asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "



 



Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.



After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'



His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.



Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....'
 
 

[tommy.irene]

 



Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making herrounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.



As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.



She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.



The attendant told her that the only gas can  had been loaned out, but\she could wait until it was returned.    HOWEVER,  Sister Mary Ann was onthe way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait...and walked back to her car.



She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!   



Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car . 



As  she was pouring the gas into her tank, two passing Protestants watched fromacross the street.



One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

 
 

[tommy.irene]

 



 Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's  store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the  checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 



What did she think I had an elephant?



So, since I'm retired and have little  to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting  the Winalot Diet again.



I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended  up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive  care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.   



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it  works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two  every time you feel hungry.



The food is nutritionally complete so it works  well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone  in queue was now enthralled with my story.) 



 Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food  poisoned me .



I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's  derrier and a car hit me. 



 I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was  laughing so hard.



I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.    Better watch what you ask retired people. 



They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. 

[tommy.irene]

Here's another you might like

A glamorous blonde boarded a flight to Melbourne with an economy class ticket and was directed to her seat. After the plane took off though, she gathered up her vanity case and teetered up the aisle to First-Class. The First-Class Flight Attendant asked to see her ticket and was given it. "I'm sorry Miss, but this is for Economy Class so I must ask you to go back there".

The blonde remained seated and said, "Look, I'm blonde, I'm very beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right where I am".

The Flight Attendant faced with this situation went into the flight deck and reported the incident to the Co-Pilot. He said, "Okay I'll deal with her if you like" and they went back into the First-Class cabin. The Co-Pilot said to the blonde, "I’m sorry Miss but you really must go back to Economy Class as you haven't paid to travel First Class". Once again the blonde came out with the same statement, I'm blonde, I'm very beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right where I am".

Not wanting to get tough with the girl and forcibly manhandle her back to Economy Class, the Co-Pilot went back to the flight deck and reported the situation to the Captain.

The captain replied, "Oh, that's not a problem and I can sort it out. My wife is blonde, I understand blonde and I speak blonde so just leave that to me".

The three of them went back into the cabin and the Captain bent down and spoke softly into the girl’s ear. Slowly a look of understanding crossed the girl's face and she said, "Oh, I'm so sorry - I didn't fully understand. Thank you for explaining it to me", and with that once again picked up her vanity case and teetered off back to Economy Class.

The Flight Attendant and Co-Pilot looked astonished and asked, "How did you manage that? What did you say to her?". The Captain said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that First-Class isn't going to Melbourne!".

[tommy.irene]

Going for the...