Author Topic: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++ (Read 569495 times)

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1400 on:** June 10, 2010, 06:22:01 PM »

400..SNIPE.. they say it was 55* last year in heatwave..

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1401 on:** June 10, 2010, 06:40:15 PM »

Lawyer Joke
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1402 on:** June 11, 2010, 06:23:18 PM »

MY DEAREST WIFE

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1403 on:** June 12, 2010, 07:28:50 PM »

INTERNATIONAL HUMAN RIGHTS ORGANIZATIONDEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS WEST- AFRICAN ZONAL COMMAND 5, MOHAMMED BUHARI WAY ABUJA – NIGERIA TELE : +234-807-508-1267Email : marerejerraton222@yahoo.com.hk Our ref:IHRO/RXX/2010 PAYMENT NOTIFICATION Attn: Beneficiary My Name is Jerraton Marere, a representative of International Human Rights Organization (IHRO) in Nigeria,West Africa. With respect to Category 'A' of International human rights organization act of 2007 on scams, contractual and foreign beneficiary funds, in conjunction with the determine interest of this organization in restoring human rights violated/ dignity. There was an important meeting held on 1st of June, 2010,at the Presidential Villa on foreign debt settlement with the following offices. - Office of the Presidency. - Office of the International Human Right Organization(IHRO) - Representatives of United Nations - Representatives of world Bank. During this crucial meeting, it was agreed that two categories of people are to be paid, the first is all overdue Contractual/Foreign Beneficiary Debt. Second being those that have lost their money in the hands of some imposters. With the help of World Bank, the sum of US$8.5Billion has been placed in the Federal Reserved Account to offsetting these debts. An Authoritative letter to conduct this payment and lists of names were forwarded to my Office (IHRO) from the Presidency, he said that the listed names was compiled by the Nigerian Financial Security Agency(NFSA) after their findings. Am glad to announce to you that the sum of US$ 2Million (TWO MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) has been attached to your name among the listed names that will receive their money during this exercise. Your payment information is as follows: 1. Payment reference number….IHRO/08/FGN/5-118. 2. Allocation amount …..US$2MILLION. 3. Password number….FUND RELEASE/9955104 4. Certificate of merit payment number...45084JB. Meanwhile, a woman came to my office few days ago with a letter, claiming to be your representative. Here are the information provided by her: Name: Mrs. Dianna Koyayesva Bank Name: Citi Bank, New York Account Number:6503809428 Bank Address: New York, NY 10018. For your information, I have placed a stop order on the fund not to be transferred to City Bank, until we receive further clarification from you. Please do reconfirm to this office, as a matter of urgency if this woman is from you so that this money will not be made to the wrong person. However, provide these information to this office immediately: 1 Your full name........ 2 Your full contact address..... 3 Your fax/tel number....... These your information is a proper means to verify your file, to avoid making payment to the wrong person. Finally, we shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs. Dianna Koyayesva, if we do not hear from you soon. Congratulations in advance. Yours Faithfully, Jerraton Marere Rep. IHRO. TELE : +234-807-508-1267Email : marerejerraton222@yahoo.com.hk

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1404 on:** June 13, 2010, 05:26:09 PM »

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,"dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father,-surprised, answers,"well son,there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s,a woman's breasts are like melons,-round and firm.

In her 30s-40s, they're like pears,still nice but hanging a bit.

after 50, they are like onions."

"onions?"

"yes'you see them and they make you cry."

THIS infuriated his wife and daughter,

So the daughter said

"Mum how many kinds of 'willies' are there"

The mother,surprised,!-smiles and answers "well dear,

A man goes through three phases.

In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree,mighty and hard.

In his 30s-40s,it is a birch,flexible,but reliable.

after his 50s,it's like a christmas tree"

her daughter says "a christmas tree?".

MUM says yes,"dead from the roots up and the balls are for decoration ONLY

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1405 on:** June 15, 2010, 01:42:52 PM »

PADDY THE KERRYMAN DIES

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Seanin said, "Well, Paddy had two anatomical conundrums." "What, he had two anatomical conundrums?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two anatomical conundrums. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two anatomical conundrums...."

*FluffyDuckee* · « **Reply #1406 on:** June 16, 2010, 12:21:29 AM »

*Hello Tommy

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1407 on:** June 17, 2010, 06:11:21 PM »

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1408 on:** June 19, 2010, 08:03:02 PM »

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1409 on:** June 20, 2010, 05:18:04 PM »

HOW TO BE THE BOSS

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet suggested, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands argued, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the anatomical conundrum spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the anatomical conundrum being the boss. The anatomical conundrum got so mad that he closed up and refused to function.

After a few days, the brain grew feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and were too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes got crossed and couldn't see, and the hands hung useless at the sides. They all conceded and made the anatomical conundrum boss

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the anatomical conundrum just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an anatomical conundrum.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single anatomical conundrum

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1410 on:** June 22, 2010, 06:14:59 PM »

SHE WAS SO BLONDE, THAT...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1411 on:** June 23, 2010, 06:45:00 PM »

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

*smee* · « **Reply #1412 on:** June 23, 2010, 07:55:21 PM »

swearing !!! talk about swearing ...... I am so unlucky I bought a sat nav the other day and its got tourettes

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1413 on:** June 24, 2010, 07:59:55 PM »

AFRICAN JOKES - RUSSIAN ROULETTE

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."

The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "The African calmly answers...."One of them is a cannibal."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1414 on:** June 25, 2010, 05:39:39 PM »

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'Irma Grese!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig

HellWest'nCrooked · « **Reply #1415 on:** June 26, 2010, 09:02:09 AM »

Hello Tommy..........how would you be?

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1416 on:** June 26, 2010, 06:21:51 PM »

Goodmorning everyone..

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1417 on:** June 26, 2010, 06:36:07 PM »

rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

*Brum6y* · « **Reply #1418 on:** June 26, 2010, 06:37:15 PM »

Hi Tommy.

Sydney weather has been cool with some cloud and a few spots of rain in some areas - how's it where you are?

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1419 on:** June 27, 2010, 05:37:27 PM »

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. ‘But we didn't use them. ‘Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, ‘But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00. ''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1420 on:** June 27, 2010, 05:38:21 PM »

The weather here is 30*..

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1421 on:** June 27, 2010, 05:48:36 PM »

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

That Varieties Gal · « **Reply #1422 on:** June 27, 2010, 09:06:47 PM »

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1423 on:** June 28, 2010, 06:21:54 PM »

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

HellWest'nCrooked · « **Reply #1424 on:** June 28, 2010, 06:54:17 PM »

Hello Tommy........the big freeze is on over here at the moment, we should be thawed out by Christmas at this rate!

*smee* · « **Reply #1425 on:** June 28, 2010, 06:59:05 PM »

Global warming !!! its rife

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1426 on:** June 29, 2010, 06:26:59 PM »

Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.

'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.

'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'

'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1427 on:** June 30, 2010, 06:08:07 PM »

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1428 on:** July 01, 2010, 06:33:02 PM »

While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1429 on:** July 02, 2010, 04:54:13 PM »

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1430 on:** July 04, 2010, 06:18:47 PM »

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1431 on:** July 07, 2010, 06:44:56 PM »

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1432 on:** July 09, 2010, 06:57:56 PM »

Insurance Company
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

*FluffyDuckee* · « **Reply #1433 on:** July 09, 2010, 09:05:32 PM »

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1434 on:** July 13, 2010, 05:54:08 PM »

Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut -
so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'?

"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men. If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.

'No' said Tim "He plays football for England , but I was too embarrassed to say.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1435 on:** July 14, 2010, 05:53:36 PM »

SHORT IRISH JOKES

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish.

Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.

What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea.
"Why don't we leave the last coach off!"

"Well, Mike," said the doctor. "I can't quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink."
"Sure, that's all right, doctor," said Mike. "I know how you feel. I'll come back when you're sober."

She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

"I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"
"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1436 on:** July 16, 2010, 07:49:34 PM »

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

yvonnea6313 · « **Reply #1437 on:** July 18, 2010, 05:31:47 PM »

Good morning everyone

I've not been here for a while so many things to do and work has kept me busy, then I forgot my password

So I've finally got a new one and thought I'd just come and say a quick hello to everyone especially Countess who we haven't spoken to in the UK for some time now. And just for you Countess I've been enjoying some huge delicious really juicy home grown strawberries - want some

Anyway hope you are all well and enjoying the weather - they have given us a hosepipe ban here as we had a couple of days sunshine and as soon as the ban came into force - it rained!!! and it's not stopped raining since, with only an ocassional ray of sunshine

So I'll wish you all gooday and see you soon

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1438 on:** July 18, 2010, 05:38:00 PM »

I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world, moaned Betty McGrath.

I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.

*FluffyDuckee* · « **Reply #1439 on:** July 18, 2010, 10:44:14 PM »

*Waves to Tommy and Yvonee

*Brum6y* · « **Reply #1440 on:** July 18, 2010, 11:11:29 PM »

Who understands the origin of this phrase....

"Naughty, naughty, 1440"

?

*Ubbie Max* · « **Reply #1441 on:** July 18, 2010, 11:17:23 PM »

Negative on that one Brum6y. I'm waiting for an answer with baited breath.

*smee* · « **Reply #1442 on:** July 18, 2010, 11:33:41 PM »

would it be something to do with the fact that there are 1440 minutes in a day ?

so in effect its saying naughty 24/7 or always ?

*Brum6y* · « **Reply #1443 on:** July 18, 2010, 11:56:11 PM »

Smee ..... you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo close! I'm almost forced to give it to you...

But can you put a specific situation on that...?

*smee* · « **Reply #1444 on:** July 18, 2010, 11:57:20 PM »

no it was just a guess

*Brum6y* · « **Reply #1445 on:** July 19, 2010, 12:37:14 AM »

I think I'm going to have to give it to you, Smee.......

When I first started into mainframe programming, programs were executed by submitting a 'job' made up of a number of the good old-fashioned punch cards. The first card, called the Job card (funny about that) gave the job a name and set some parameters. One of these was setting a time limit, so if your program got into a loop or just took too long, it would get cancelled by the operating system when it had used up the allocated time.

But there had to be a way to specify 'no time limit' so jobs that took a very long time to run didn't get axed because of this timeout. With the base unit being minutes, they (IBM) set it up so that if you specified 1440 - the number of minutes in one day - the operating system would not hold any time limit on the job.

In a most areas, this was a very risky move. If you wrote a program that ended up in a loop, you would flog the machine and chew up very expensive time - with the only means to end it being a manual cancellation by an operator ... a step that they would not take unless adequate suspicion was raised and confirmation given to kill the offending job.

So to put "time=1440" was considered extremely risky and frowned upon - hence: "naughty, naughty"