A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray .. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays ... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays ... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself .... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this .... Buy a ticket."
A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you’ve been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party
Lost are
An elephant asked the camel:
'Why are your breasts on your back?'
'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an
inappropriate question from somebody
whose dick is on his face.
@ #1
.
Mission aborted
AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM
Of course I love ya darling, you're a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you're gorgeous, I mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab,
It means that when I'm ready, there's something there to grab.
So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya, I can get my arms round there.
No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts,
They just gave in to gravity, but I know ya did yer best
I'm telling you the truth now, I never tell ya lies,
I think it's very sexy that you've got dimples on your thighs.
I swear on my Nana's grave now, the moment that we met,
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get.
No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear.
Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer.
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 03:35 BST 7 of 3693
THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
' Hello?' she cried, but no answer.
'Is there anyone here?' she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
The female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around.
Again, she yelled at the top of her voice,
'HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
'We're down here.'
HOW TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED ADVANCEMENTS
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
c
He: You look like a picture
She: So do you, you should be hung!!!
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 11:
wildly_idle (0 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:03 BST 11 of 3693
I was in the bakers earlier today and I thought I saw a
loaf with your name on it,but on looking closer I
realised it actually said "Thick Cut"
ronnie-*8slaps*-dog (11 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:04 BST 12 of 3693
PMSL
tas_7 (46 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:10 BST 13 of 3693
Young nun...in the land of nod...
Thought she'd been visited by God...
But...it wasn't the almighty...
That crept up her nightie...
It was Roger the lodger...the sod...!
tas_7 (46 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:27 BST 14 of 3693
Woman walks into a fishmongers...stands in the queue and eventually reaches the counter...
"Can I have some cod please?"...she says to the fishmonger...
"Sorry love"...answered the fishmonger..."we haven't any cod left"...
The lady leaned over and whispered..."If you could spare a bit of the cod you keep under the counter for your special customers...I'll pay extra"...
"Sorry"...the fishmonger repeated..."there is no cod"...
The lady moved away the counter and rejoined the queue...
Eventually...she reached the counter again...
"Can I have some cod please?"...she asked the fishmonger again...
The fishmonger looked at the woman...and shouted..."look love...I haven't got any f.c.o.d."...!!!
The woman looked quizzically at the fishmonger and remarked..."there's no 'f' in cod"
"I know"...said the fishmonger..."I've just told you twice"....
lizmcloughlin2001 (2196 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:20 BST 15 of 3693
Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the
answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an
elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You
lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again
replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster.
He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:
"If either of you B******* asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."
lizmcloughlin2001 (2196 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:24 BST 16 of 3693
Towards the end of a round of golf, Harry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your potatoes for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOOF! . . . she was gone!
After Harry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Pete, where are you?'
Pete yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Harry shouts back, 'PICK THE BALL UP PETE! FOR GODS SAKE PICK IT UP!!!'
lizmcloughlin2001 (2196 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:27 BST 17 of 3693
Little boy asks his Dad....
"Where does poo come from." Dad smiles and says, "Well son, when you eat food it is broken down firstly in the mouth and then the stomach and then the intestine by enzymes. This bulk then travels down the alimentary canal by peristalsis and is discharged as poo!" The little boy looks amazed and says, "Bloody hell, where does Tigger come from then!"
wildly_idle (0 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:52 BST 18 of 3693
A German doctor said "In my country we can take a lung from one person & put it into another person and within two weeks have both of them looking for work"
A Russian doctor next to him said " In my country we can take half of a heart out of one person and put it into another and within two weeks both of them will be looking for work"
A British doctor, not to be outdone said " In my country we can take one comfy chair out of scotland, put it in 10 Downing street and have half the country looking for work within 24hrs"
geographically*challenged (501 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 18:08 BST 19 of 3693
RAFLMAO,/b> at all the jokes
Lost are the geographically-challenged
fred-up (1 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 22:24 BST 20 of 3693
Young nun...in the land of nod...
Thought she'd been visited by God...
But...it wasn't the almighty...
That crept up her nightie...
It was Roger the lodger...the sod...!
There was a young lady called Nod,
who wanted a baby by God.
It wasnt the almighty that went up her nighty,
but the vicar the dirty old sod.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a member of the ruling class, I demand Iams every day.
wildly_idle (0 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 23:15 BST 21 of 3693
An alien craft is circling the earth and their sentient life alarm sounds, so they land.
Unfortunately its a Sunday in Arizona and they land behind a garage behind the repair bay, and nothing is happening so they shout to each other "ZZorg hhhssd ttyt" and kick the sentient life sensor and take off again
As they're going up the sentient life alarm goes crazy
Beep beep beep so they say again "ZZorg hhhssd tyt" and reland, but this time they land in front of the garage and they see the petrol pumps, and they approach the first pump and say "Take me to your leader" but there is no reply, so they get well angry and move to the second pump and say "Take me to your leader". Still no answer.
Now they are really wild, and move to the third pump; and by this time they have their ray guns at the ready and they say "Take me to your leader otherwise we will vapourize you!" But still no answer.
They pull their triggers-but they don't know that there's 20,000 gallons of gas under the pumps, there is a huge esxplosion and they get blown out into the desert, landing close to their craft, stunned but alive. They get up shaking their heads and one turns to the other and says" You know, I knew they were hard bastards when I saw tem standing in a row with their cocks stuck in their ears"
.
Mission aborted
stevie_blunder** (1295 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 23:48 BST 22 of 3693
Monday morning and mum is in the kitchen. She shouts upstairs to the twins, "Oi, get up you two"
Little jimmy bounds down stairs and mum says, "What do you want for breakfast?"
"I'll have some effin' cornflakes"
Well!! His mum goes mental and slaps him all round the room. Meanwhile, Ronnie arrives and sees all this going on.
"What do you want for your breakfast?"
"Well I don't want effin' cornflakes, anyway"
In the Asylum, only the lunatics feel at home. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.
jamieuk777 (177 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 00:57 BST 23 of 3693
The optician asks the man being examined if he masurbates a lot.
Why will it affect my sight, he asks.
No she says but it has upset my customers in the waiting room.
stevie_blunder** (1295 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 01:00 BST 24 of 3693
They say that masturbation makes you blind.
HELLO!!!
How difficult is it to aim away from your eyes??
In the Asylum, only the lunatics feel at home. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.
electric*mayhem*band (0 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 01:37 BST 25 of 3693
There was a Lumberjack...
...........who lived in an isolated cabin in the great Canadian Wilderness.
One evening, in the middle of winter, when the wind was howling and snow was blizzarding down, the lumberjack heard a faint knock on the cabin door.
He opened it but could see no-one.
"Down here" said a tiny voice.
The lumberjack looked down and saw a snail looking up at him beseechingly.
"Let me in" said the snail, "It's freezing out here".
The lumberjack, annoyed at this interruption to his cozy evening, reached down, and picking up the snail he threw it as hard as he could into the woods.
The Winter ended and Spring gave way to beautiful warm Summer.
And one evening a knock came at the lumberjack's cabin door.
He opened it to find the snail staring up at him.
The snail said "What did you do that for?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"IT'S A HOOT, ZOOT" !
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 03:09 BST 26 of 3693
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f*ckin' skippin'
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 03:13 BST 27 of 3693
Three Irish girls all worked in the same office in Dublin with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them .
'No way', the blonde exclaimed.
'I almost got caught yesterday.'
