++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++

[tommy.irene]

.MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

[tommy.irene]

conversation in heaven...................................................SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive

[tommy.irene]

Its now Christmas day..

[*Brum6y*]

.... and NOW it's Christmas Day for you and Irene!

Merry Christmas to you both!!

[tommy.irene]

Thanks ..I see your Christmas is over for another year..

[tommy.irene]

Things learned from TV:

All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

The Good guy always wins.

When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.

A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.

[tommy.irene]

.

[tommy.irene]

 A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer. The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner. "My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.

[tommy.irene]

..

[*Brum6y*]

... and a Happy New Year to you too, Tommy!

(yeah ... I know I'm about 2 hours late...)

[tommy.irene]

..Its now 6pm ..1/1/2013

[tommy.irene]

Its now 12pm on 1/1/2013.. the new years day is over..now we have 2/1/2013.

[tommy.irene]

When things go wrong, When sadness fill your heart, When tears flow in your eyes, Just let me know, Cause I want to be there for you, I am selling tissues,buy one get one free..

[tommy.irene]

42 things in life..

by tommy.irene » Fri Jan 04, 2013 7:03 pm

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!





1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
 
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
 
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
 
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
 
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
 
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
 
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
 
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
 
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
 
11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
 


12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
 
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...
 
14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
 
15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
 
16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
 
17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
 
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
 
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
 
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
 
21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
 
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
 
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
 
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
 
25. Always choose life.
 
26. Forgive but don’t forget.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
 
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
 
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
 
31. Believe in miracles.
 
32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
 
33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
 
34. Your children get only one childhood.
 
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
 
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
 
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
 
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
 
39. The best is yet to come...
 
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
 
41. Yield.
 
42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

[tommy.irene]

50 SHEDS OF GREY.
 



I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.

 The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

 Fifty Sheds Of Grey

 We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
 wall...
 but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
 


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
 "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
 So I took her to McDonalds.


 She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
 harder until finally it came.
 I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


 Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
 She still manages to get into the shed, though.


 "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
 "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
 "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


 "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
 punished."
 So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


 


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!"
 "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"


 I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
 Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


 "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
 "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.


 "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
 "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


 "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
 She nodded.
 "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
 


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
 "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


 "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
 


 

[tommy.irene]

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

[tommy.irene]

You've got to love the Irish Mammy!

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.
 
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.
 
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
 
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
 
About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
 
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
 


So he sat down and wrote
 


DEAR MOTHER,
 
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?
 
LOVE PADDY
 


Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read
 


DEAR SON,
 
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!
 
LOVE MAM.

[tommy.irene]

A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
 The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
 "I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
 "And how did you sin my son?"
 "Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
 "That's not too bad". says the priest
 "Will I be banned from the church Father?"
 The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
 "Well they banned us from Tescos".

[tommy.irene]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Here she is – in the middle of dealing with this Algerian Hostage mess - now this has happened to her !

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming :-
"You pig! How could you have let this happen ? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant ! How could you ? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say ?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again "Did you hear me ?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper :-

“Who’s speaking ?”

[tommy.irene]

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

[tommy.irene]

Ah! Yes, love is blind, and marriage is and eye opener!

[tommy.irene]

I just came out of the chippy, with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A homeless man sat outside said, "I haven't eaten for three days."
I told him, "I wish I had your willpower."

[tommy.irene]

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

[tommy.irene]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[tommy.irene]

..

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.

[tommy.irene]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[tommy.irene]

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

[tommy.irene]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[tommy.irene]

The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

[tommy.irene]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bed room closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is”
Boy ” I have a baseball.”
Man “That’s nice”
Boy “Want to buy it?”
Man “No, thanks”
Boy “My dad’s outside…”
Man “O.K. – How much?”
Boy “$250?
In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy “Dark in here”
Man “ Yes, it is.”
Boy “I have a baseball glove”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
“How much?”
Boy “$750?
Man “Sold!”
A few days later the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go
outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ” $ 1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…
that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you
to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here”.
The priest says, “Don’t start that shite again, you’re in my closet now.”

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

[tommy.irene]

Posts: 221

   
 Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

[tommy.irene]

EST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that i am leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and i have nothing to show for it. These last two week have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit you job today and that was the last straw. LAst week you came home and did not even notice my new haircut, or that i had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s3x or any thing that connects us husband and wife. Either your cheating on me or you do not love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone. signed Your EX-Husband P.S Don't try to find me. Your sister and i are moving to West Virginia together! Have a Great life... -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than recieving your letter. It's true we have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, i didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because i stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and i prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, i still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when i hit the lotto for 10 million, i quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, but when i got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, i guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as hell and free... P.S. I don't know if i ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that is not a problem!

[tommy.irene]

..

[tommy.irene]

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

[tommy.irene]

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck.

[tommy.irene]

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!” I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tommy.irene]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[tommy.irene]

Hello everyone..today 31/3/2013 im 74 years old..so Happy Birthday to me.. ha  ha..

[*FluffyDuckee*]

 

[tommy.irene]

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

[tommy.irene]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[tommy.irene]

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

"Mr Swiffen?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

I said, "That's wrong- my dog doesn't have a bike!"

[tommy.irene]

   During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. ............  The Russians used a pencil.

[tommy.irene]

Im a 74 year old IRISHMAN..But I still think im 25

   
   
   
UK Problem Solved
« on: April 08, 2013, 04:35:56 AM »
Quote
Letter to Mr. Cameron - Genius!!

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also.....

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

[tommy.irene]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ...your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies,"Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin .

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...

ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says,

"Bejesus, everyone is fine ! Tis me ... I've quit drinking !"

[tommy.irene]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

[tommy.irene]

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
...
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

"She fainted.”

[tommy.irene]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
sorry ladies!!!