++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++

[tommy.irene]

5000..watchers...Goodmorning everyone..lovely day here..nice and sunny..9.10am

[*CountessA*]

Oh mighty snipe-lord, Tommy, 

It's interesting... There's a strong solidarity that binds people together in adversity and against a common foe. Sometimes this can create truly horrendous bedfellows; sometimes it creates deep and lasting friendships; sometimes it's all just froth and flotsam in the ever-changing sea of those who lack internal direction; sometimes it makes a mighty force who will not be stopped or dissuaded against injustice.

[tommy.irene]

St Peter is sitting at the gates of heaven one fine afternoon when this man arrives up in a well pressed blue suit and asks if there would be any chance of gaining admission.
'Well says St Peter, 'I didn't get where I am today by letting every Tom, Dick and Harry walk through these gates. What sort of virtuous qualities do you have which would make me want to let you in?'
'Well says yer man, 'I was very devout. I went to church every Sunday morning, well or ill, all my life, and lived as a good Christian every other day of the week.'
'Umm, that's a good start says St Peter, 'but it's hardly good enough. There are boyos in here who went to church once a day, and three times on Sundays, and had to walk fourteen miles there and back summer and winter with no soles on the shoes of their feet.'
'Well says yer man, 'what about fidelity? I never once looked at another woman in all the fifty years I was married. And before I was married I was as pure as the first day of spring.'
'Unnm, that's highly commendable says St Peter, 'but you have to bear in mind that we're full to the brim in here with men of the cloth who spurned the sins of the flesh from the moment they were born until the day and hour they shuffled off their mortal coils.'
'I take your point says yer man. *What about bravery then?'
'Umm, yes, bravery has a lot going for it,' says St Peter.
'What's your record on the courage front?'
'Well,' says yer man, 'once I walked almost the entire length of the Falls Road singing "The Sash'' at the top of my voice and beating a Lam beg drum until I thought the skin would burst.'
'Oh?' says St Peter, 'and when was this, pray tell?'
'About five minutes ago says yer man.

[tommy.irene]

Sunday 9.40am and nice and sunny and goodmorning everyone

[*CountessA*]

Hello, Tommy. It is a dark cold evening here (of course).

[*FluffyDuckee*]

Evening Tommy and Countess.

I concur Countess, it is a cold and dark evening here.   

[tommy.irene]

WE are back to cold weather

[tommy.irene]

Goodmorning another new day..

[tommy.irene]

Who's The Boss

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
 
 
 

[**Cupie**]

Hi Tommy...just heading downstairs to make dinner.

[*Ubbie Max*]

Cupie. Sweet & Sour Pluto Pups, beautiful Chinese tucker.

[*smee*]

try Peking Pluto .... mmmmmmm....

[*Ubbie Max*]

Sound magnificent Smee, how about sauteed Pups or Pups in Oyster sauce.

[tellomon]

I'll have a dozen with anchovies!

[**Cupie**]

   

[tellomon]

2 visuals nobody needs. I get that.

[tommy.irene]

Goodmorning...everyone..
Job Interview

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
...

[tommy.irene]

Goodmorning
Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'



 
 
   
 
 

 

[*Ubbie Max*]

G'day Tommy. I like your Irish jokes they are great. It's good to be able to laugh at ourselves, some nationalities don't have that ability.

[tommy.irene]

 for..Ubbrd..
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
 
 
 
 


   

[*Ubbie Max*]

Yet another bit of brilliance from the pen of Tommy.

[tellomon]

Yet another bit of brilliance from the pen of Tommy.

He has The Eternal Fountain of Ink!

[*smee*]

lead in the pencil ?

[tellomon]

Full box of crayons.

[*CountessA*]

I love that joke, Tommy! That's how to woo a woman.

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone its 8.40 am..and cloudy

[tommy.irene]

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes', and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

[tommy.irene]

Bluebell Troop, Brixton Boy Scouts, prepare for action Boy Scouts are no longer to be permitted to carry knives!

This shock report hit the Scout movement like a tidal wave only last week.

Lord Baden - Powell's grave has been observed to be smoking and there is a rumbling, rotating noise emanating from under the surface of the monument.

The Chief Scout, Lord Peter Mangelson (Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every Pie) is on record as sympathetic to the Boy Scouts' cause.

"There has been an upsurge in Scout-on-Scout knife attacks and we must remove the potential. I see no reason why these children should not be issued with small-calibre firearms to replace their knives" remarks The Dark Lord "and we will see to it that every armed Boy Scout has the opportunity to serve in Afghanistan.

"After all", Lord M continues, "these little bu***rs are mainly middle-class and have a sense of duty. We must encourage these young, cheap idealists to play a full part in the defence of the nation".

A passing Boy Scout was heard to remark "Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha, Ging gang goo, ging gang goo".

[*FluffyDuckee*]

*Waves to Tommy*

Hey Lynn where have ya been?

[tommy.irene]

 Goodmorning Fluffy......
A man's been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." 

[tellomon]

LOL!

Ya can't go wrong with cripple jokes.


C):-{= <" theres a little bit of gimp in all of us... "<<

[tommy.irene]

Sunday morning 10.30am...........

Two Corkmen were escaping from a well-protected jail at night. All they had with them was a flashlamp, so when they reached the forty-foot wall surrounding the jail one Corkman said to the other:
'I'll shine the flashlamp up to the top of the wall and you climb up along the beam'.
'Hold on', said the second Corkman, 'how do I know that you won't switch off the lamp when I am halfway up?'






 

[tommy.irene]

Hi Monday 8.40 am

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'
'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'
'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'

[*CountessA*]

There is nothing more inarguable than an Irishman who's already eaten the only pie in sight.

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone Tuesday 8.45am...
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were confessing their secret vices to each other.

'I'm a terrible gambler,' said The Englishman.

'I'm a terrible drinker,' said The Scotsman.

'My vice is much less serious,' said The Irishman, 'I just like to tell tales about my friends.'

Mirthful Joke
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were out fishing in a boat on a lake together and doing very well.

'This is a terrific spot for fishing,' said the Englishman. 'How will we know where this spot is next time?'

'I've thought of that,' said The Scotsman, 'I've just put a mark on the side of the boat.'

'You idiot,' said the Irishman, 'how do you know we will get this boat the next time?'

[tommy.irene]

Goodmorning another new day

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

[cueperkins]

Hi tommy...hows things...just nicking off for dinner right now...cheers

[*Yibida*]

Hi tommy...hows things...just nicking off for dinner right now...cheers

Chuck a T-bone on for me darl.....

[*Ubbie Max*]

and a couple of Pluto Pups for me, pleeeeze.

[**Cupie**]

Gord Ubb.....don't those Pups repeat on you something fierce? or is the Pepsi to make you burp it all up?  yuk

Yummy Dinner.....an Italian classic......It's called a Schnitzel & Cheese, created by a guy called Tony De Santis of Bill & Tony's Ristorante in Sydney.  You take Round steak and cut it as thin as you can, crumb it and then fry it and set it aside.  Meanwhile, heat up some Bolognaise sauce (which you've already cooked a big batch of ahead of time), and spread a layer of that over the steak, then top with Bega Cheese (there can be no other), a sprinkle of Oregano and a shake of paprika and under the grill she goes till bubbling.  Then eat with crusty italian bread and plain old lettuce...that's right, no frills......and it's absolutely scrummy.

No pluto pup can come close....

[*Ubbie Max*]

What about a Schnitzel Pup & cheese? How about a couple of them washed down with a pallet refreshing Pepsi Max? Sounds beautiful.

[tellomon]

I'll have a double!

[*Ubbie Max*]

Yeah. A serving for Tello & me please.

[tommy.irene]

Goodmorning *************************************
Mrs.  Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's 
obiturary.  She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word 
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.  She 
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two 
dollars.  But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."  The newsman said he 
thought old Pete deserved more  and he'd give her three more words at no 
charge.  Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:  "Pete 
died.  Boat for sale" 

[tellomon]

The unstopable tommy strikes again!

[tommy.irene]

 
The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either

[tommy.irene]

Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on 
the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal 
remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the 
box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it 
was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one 
fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly 
a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the 
box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle 
of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but 
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They 
bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the 
hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye 
don't bump the gatepost again" 

[tellomon]

Get yer own TV Show, tommy!

[tommy.irene]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

[Liisa-Sx]

LOL I needed a good laugh thanks Tommy and Hello!!!