Author Topic: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++  (Read 373821 times)

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2050 on: May 01, 2015, 06:11:55 PM »
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -- Management
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2051 on: May 06, 2015, 06:00:31 AM »
The coolest headstone was a Utah cowboy and it read:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
...
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me...
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2052 on: May 09, 2015, 04:20:24 AM »
British Telecom needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from England and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do
Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out
At end of the shift, the two English guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys, came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in." "The boss gasped, "Three? Those two English guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2053 on: May 10, 2015, 06:44:59 PM »
A woman was sleeping in her bed when her husband crashing through the front door at 3 am waked her up. He staggered and tried to get up the stairs, " what are you doing" she shouted, the husband replies " I’m trying to get a gallon of beer up the stairs" "leave it down there" she bellowed "I cant" he replied " I’ve drunk it".
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2054 on: May 14, 2015, 06:30:49 PM »
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2055 on: May 23, 2015, 03:22:22 PM »
Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.
They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2056 on: May 24, 2015, 06:16:11 PM »
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky.
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2057 on: May 27, 2015, 08:00:00 PM »
Things children say:


NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2058 on: June 05, 2015, 08:04:06 PM »
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill. So he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the third day and if he's not better, we're going to have kill her." Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said, “Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to kill you!” On the second day, they again gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..." On the third day, they came to give the horse the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to kill her tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses." After they left, the goat approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on... Get up... Get up... That's it, slowly... Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yes! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!" All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party." He called his servant, "Tunde, kill and prepare the goat!" Now
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2059 on: June 09, 2015, 05:39:36 AM »
Milk and eggs
This is a story which apparently is perfectly logical to all males.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2060 on: June 12, 2015, 05:03:25 PM »
Dear Redneck son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week, I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week: the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send: your uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite aunt,
Mom!!..
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2061 on: June 18, 2015, 05:02:13 PM »
A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.

The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".

After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worms in my body".
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2062 on: June 20, 2015, 06:34:12 AM »
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics in London, the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2063 on: June 25, 2015, 08:21:53 PM »
The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car. .
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing..
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
10: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
20: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
21: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. .
22: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
23: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates...
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2064 on: July 05, 2015, 05:06:41 PM »
There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent ... Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident? A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: By whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2065 on: July 17, 2015, 05:39:43 AM »
Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell,
The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.
As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!"
at the top of his voice.
The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the
Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.
The second condemned man a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!", with exactly the same highly successful effect and off he scampered.
The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues,
determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2066 on: July 26, 2015, 05:33:36 PM »
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2067 on: July 28, 2015, 08:28:43 PM »
I saw two blond girls the other day the one said 'I locked my keys in car' other said 'we best hurry up it looks as if its about to rain and the roofs down!
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2068 on: August 08, 2015, 05:37:39 PM »
The Blonde's New Car.................
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off to meet her friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening, but she didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran to her and asked her "What Happened"
She got out of the car, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers ,these people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!!..
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2069 on: August 10, 2015, 11:59:11 PM »
.
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2070 on: August 13, 2015, 10:58:28 PM »
An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Indian: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Indian: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Indian: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2071 on: August 19, 2015, 11:23:00 PM »
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week!!.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2072 on: November 13, 2015, 09:36:26 PM »
.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2073 on: November 15, 2015, 08:38:33 PM »
A guy was driving his new Corvette way too fast on the highway. Suddenly, he heard the siren and saw the police car with its lights on behind him. Hesitantly, he pulled over and waited for the officer, his sun glasses still on, and his cigarette still lit, arrogant smile on his face.
"Sir, you are aware that you were driving 30 mph over the speed limit, aren't you?" the officer said as he handed the man his violation ticket.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist arrogantly.
“Keep it,” said the officer, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2074 on: November 17, 2015, 06:25:27 PM »
Apologies for the long post but I think I've finally figured out what is happening in the Middle East:
President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people rebelled and the Rebels (who are good) started winning (Hurrah!). But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic State ( who are definitely bad!) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good.)
So the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which was good.
By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who want to fight IS ( which is a good thing ) but the Turkish authorities think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they're good and giving them guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is another matter.
Getting back to Syria.
So President Putin ( who is bad, cos he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium poisoned sushi ) has decided to back Assad (who is still bad) by attacking IS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing?
But Putin ( still bad ) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good).
Now Iran (who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (still bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.
So a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad.
Now the British (obviously good, except some freak called Corbyn who, incidentally wears a corduroy jacket, which is dead give away as that's never good) and the Americans (also good) cannot attack Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good / bad) and now they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS (who are super bad).
So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS (but let’s face it, drinking your own wee is better than IS so no real choice there) and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them Good. America (still Good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and that nice mad Ayatollah in Iran (also Good) and so they may be forced to say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join IS (still the only constantly bad group).
To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good (Doh!)
Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal (mmmm... might have a point) and hence we will be seen as Bad.
So now we have America (now bad) and Britain (also bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (Good / bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also Good) and Putin (also, now, unbelievably, Good) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started?
I hope that clears all this up for you.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2075 on: November 22, 2015, 07:22:23 PM »

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2076 on: November 23, 2015, 09:39:11 PM »

My mother always told me "If you can't say something nice about someone.......They're probably a Jerk!
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2077 on: December 07, 2015, 10:07:27 PM »
.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2078 on: December 14, 2015, 08:23:23 PM »
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
...
I said, "No I'm not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk?
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2079 on: December 20, 2015, 05:56:01 PM »
The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2080 on: December 30, 2015, 05:47:24 AM »
A Blondes Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make coffee.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of London is "L".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked Chicken for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
Oh and what will December bring?
Oh my what a year so far!!..
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2081 on: December 31, 2015, 02:33:54 AM »
I went to the Canary Islands and there was no Canaries there. I went to the Virgin Islands and guess what....there was no Canaries there either.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2082 on: January 02, 2016, 05:55:54 PM »
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2083 on: January 05, 2016, 08:21:48 PM »
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2084 on: January 11, 2016, 07:32:26 PM »
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are."
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2085 on: January 22, 2016, 10:23:12 PM »
.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2087 on: February 04, 2016, 10:25:03 PM »
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. Because she's wearing a uniform, he quickly concludes that she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: “ To Fly. To Serve. "
The woman looks at him blankly...
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “ Winning the hearts of the world."
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysia Airlines motto:” Going beyond expectations"
The woman looks at him sternly and says, "What the hell do you want?"
"Aha," he says, "RYAN AIR "
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2088 on: February 11, 2016, 09:48:44 PM »
Here we go again?????http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/feb/10/catholic-bishops-not-obliged-report-clerical-child-abuse-vatican-says
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2089 on: February 15, 2016, 10:22:12 PM »
I took my dog to the dole office yesterday to see what benefits he was entilited to, the man behind the counter said " you idiot we don't give dogs benefits" so I argued, why not? He's Brown, he stinks, he's never worked a day in his life and he can't speak a word of English... The man behind the counter said his first payment will be on Monday!!
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2090 on: February 18, 2016, 09:09:23 PM »
THANK YOU FOR BOOKING 2 TICKETS AT THE DISCOUNTED PRICE OF £99
Would you like to sit down during your flight? Yes/No You have chosen yes £56
Would you like to sit down on the way back? Yes/No You have chosen yes £72
Would you like your legs to fit in the seating area with you? Yes/No You have chosen yes £82
Will you be wearing clothes on your holiday? Yes/No you have chosen yes
and you will therefore need bags to put them in £52
Do you have your own insurance? Yes/No you have chosen yes therefore the compulsory insurance will be discounted by 10% as our gift to you £64
Will you want insurance for your wife? Yes/No You have answered no, but you have to £64
YOU ARE HALF WAY TO BOOKING THE FLIGHT OF YOUR DREAMS!
Are you both taking golf clubs Yes/No You have answered yes £82
Will you both require the in flight meals? Yes/No You have answered yes £34
Will you require the use of the onboard toilets Yes/No You have answered yes £34
Will you be doing No 1 or No2s (Due to the data protection act we are not allowed to show the answer but we have noted your requirements and priced accordingly) £196
Would you like to give us a little bit more money under the guise of a green tax which
we will pretend it will help the environment? Yes/No You have unsurprisingly answered No. Fair enough
YOUR GRAND TOTAL £887
(NEARLY FINISHED!)
One final question Will you be paying with a card? Yes/No You have chosen yes £88:70
YOUR FINAL GRAND TOTAL £975:70
TOTAL BILL INCLUDING AIRPORT TAX £1073:70
Moving on to your Hotel will you be requiring beds ???????
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2091 on: February 19, 2016, 08:31:14 PM »
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies and have sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2092 on: February 28, 2016, 09:48:40 PM »
I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.
I think they might be trying to groom me...
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2093 on: March 01, 2016, 08:20:13 PM »
Hello again.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2094 on: March 07, 2016, 12:51:53 AM »
I hereby give my permission to the police, the NSA, FBI, the CIA, the Avengers, the tooth fairy, the men in black, etc, all on my profile to watch and like! I am aware that my privacy ended the day, when I registered with me on Facebook.
I know that whatever I post, divided, or can be copied. And that only because I bloody fascinating am!
I find it comforting to know that the NSA a backup all my documents and photos has (at least makes a a backup).
If you have any questions, please look at my whatsapp over
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« Reply #2095 on: March 24, 2016, 04:48:18 PM »
Wife: I hate that beggar.........................
Husband: Why?...........................
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a Cookbook!
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« Reply #2096 on: March 25, 2016, 08:59:41 PM »
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2097 on: April 19, 2016, 04:12:15 PM »
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...
'You want ... garlic chicken wif flide lice???
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2098 on: April 30, 2016, 04:09:48 AM »
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!!
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« Reply #2099 on: May 03, 2016, 06:06:31 PM »
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs off, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good!
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