Author Topic: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++  (Read 340249 times)

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2100 on: May 04, 2016, 08:30:21 PM »
What the Fire Chief Said - Priceless
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!!
In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.
A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, Lived on the first floor, they died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, All illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, And they, too, all perished in the fire.
6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers, & ex-cons, Lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know, Why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics, All died in the fire and why only the White couple lived?
The Fire Chief said, "They were at work"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2101 on: May 19, 2016, 08:35:10 PM »
Don't suppose anyone has the number for Oxfam? I just got my water bill an then heard on the TV that oxfam can supply a family with water for just £2 a month! I'm swappin suppliers!
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2102 on: June 07, 2016, 08:39:37 PM »
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2103 on: August 26, 2016, 09:32:10 PM »
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2104 on: August 28, 2016, 05:53:12 AM »
1st Time advice for a girl......
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinking?
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2105 on: August 29, 2016, 09:01:28 PM »
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
.................................................. .........................................
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
.................................................. .........................................
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
.................................................. .........................................
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
.................................................. .........................................
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
.................................................. .........................................
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2106 on: August 30, 2016, 08:03:29 AM »
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords cycle shop."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2107 on: August 30, 2016, 08:45:33 PM »
There comes a time when my wife just has to trust her husband... For example...
My wife came home unexpectedly a day early, late at night, and quietly opened the door to our bedroom. Under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two.
She grabbed the baseball bat that we have for protection, and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she went to the kitchen to get a drink.
As she entered, she saw me, .....her husband
reading a magazine at the table.
“Hello Darling”, I said, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did I do right"?
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2108 on: September 01, 2016, 08:24:07 PM »
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2109 on: September 03, 2016, 02:36:05 AM »
Irish Password
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "Bejazus! are yez ' stupid?
Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital".
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!!
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2110 on: September 05, 2016, 10:14:14 PM »
My two kids keep coughing so I took them to see the doctor today.
"Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me.
"Yes." I replied. "About 20 a day."
"That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you would be to give them up."
"Fair enough, doc." I said, shaking his hand, "I'll call social services in the morning."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2111 on: September 06, 2016, 05:52:19 AM »
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top....
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2112 on: September 15, 2016, 05:35:28 PM »
A young man decided to rob a house at the edge of the forest after he saw the dwellers put their luggage in the car and drive away.

The neighbor saw him break the back window and enter the house at the end of the Cul-de-sac and called the police. When the police arrived the young man bolted out the back doors into the woods and ran all he could.

All this time the police officer stayed on his trail, about two miles into the woods he dropped to the ground exhausted; he looks at the cop and asked:

-“listen, it’s dark out here, I’m dressed in black, how could you track me down?”

The cop replies: “Did you forget your shoes blink every time you take a step?”
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2113 on: September 19, 2016, 07:23:37 AM »
..
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2114 on: September 24, 2016, 07:25:00 PM »
This is a hoot but close to the truth of today's kids, their cell
phones and tablets.
Daughter texting to dad:
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check
book.
I am in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in
Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became
friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on
Skype, and now we have had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes and a
really
big wedding". Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly.
Dad’s reply also by texting:
My dear Lilly … Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever! I suggest you two get
married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay
for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new
husband,
sell him on eBay.
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2115 on: September 26, 2016, 08:38:36 PM »
Hilary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious! Here she is about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you???!!!
I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!
YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,
"Who is this?"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2116 on: October 02, 2016, 09:52:42 PM »
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.
When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you prat?"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2117 on: October 08, 2016, 08:27:19 PM »
If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious shite about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shite like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a felafeling UTOPIA!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bloody library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 5 pence!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shite out of us! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and felafel it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILED LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the cooker! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little comfy chairs wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!
Regards,
Grumpy old bastard!!.. :)
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2118 on: October 12, 2016, 08:36:43 PM »
Joseph and Mary lived in a barn. Mary had just given birth to a baby boy, Joseph was a carpenter by trade but had no work.
On this particular day, after another unsuccessful day at the job centre, Joseph trudges back to the barn on his donkey. He then notices three men on camels carrying parcels and they take them into the barn.
Joseph gets off his donkey, storms into the barn and shouts, ", Mary; we've just had a baby, I'm unemployed and you are ordering stuff out of the catalogue."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2119 on: October 15, 2016, 08:33:00 PM »
72 Virgins
A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because anatomical conundrums like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied
"Who said they were women?"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2120 on: October 18, 2016, 09:09:32 PM »
Guy goes to a Doctor and says he has a problem with Sex.
"Doctor, I think my Member is Too Small" he says.
The Doctor asks him which Drink he prefers..???
"Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, says the Doc. It shrinks things those Lagers.
You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the Doctor with a big
smile on his face. He shakes the Doctor by the hand and thanks
him.
"I take it, you now drink Guinness"..?? asked the Doc.
"Guinness My Arse", replies the man "I've got the Wife on Lager"
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2121 on: October 19, 2016, 08:40:12 PM »
pmsl some crackers in this....
Genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2 !!..
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2122 on: October 22, 2016, 08:52:12 PM »
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED..???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
NO, THOUGHT NOT..!:)
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2123 on: October 23, 2016, 03:19:31 PM »
Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, “You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!”

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feedback and she took her son out from that school. She even moved to another city.

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her,
Being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk. In turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and she died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed (working as a cleaner in that hospital) who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don’t tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor …
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2124 on: October 23, 2016, 11:54:31 PM »
... UK television, some good choices, thanks to Tommy.

"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2125 on: October 24, 2016, 10:02:43 PM »
Dear milkman...
I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2126 on: October 24, 2016, 10:05:18 PM »
Youre milking those notes for all theyre worth

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2127 on: October 31, 2016, 03:53:26 PM »
A man comes home to his wife after golfing.

The wife asks, “Honey how come you never play with Bob anymore.”

The man replies, ” Would you want to play with a man who cheats all the time, who lost his ball then pulls one out of his pocket saying he found it, a man who really got a 7 but marks down a 5, a man who takes 3-foot gimme’s.”

The wife says, “No I wouldn’t.”

The man says, “Neither would Bob.”
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2128 on: November 01, 2016, 06:23:03 PM »
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”She was right — our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in our day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then. We walked upstairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks .But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity .But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But, isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart young person…
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2129 on: November 03, 2016, 05:05:41 AM »
Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet.
Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2130 on: November 04, 2016, 08:30:46 PM »
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore, where I saw, ‘HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS,’ bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!!” as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, “GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!” Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like, “Mother trucker,” or “Mother’s from there.” Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2131 on: November 05, 2016, 04:52:00 PM »
... but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

Do you have these people in Melbourne?  We have a few in Sydney.

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2132 on: November 05, 2016, 09:59:55 PM »
Signs You’re Getting Old.
20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.
15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."
14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.
10. You take naps.
9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.
8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh heck, what happened?"
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2133 on: November 08, 2016, 01:15:27 PM »
... but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

Do you have these people in Melbourne?  We have a few in Sydney.

Oh yes. They step on the pedal at the very last moment, completely oblivious to the green light or green arrow, and uncaring of the justly annoyed drivers waiting behind...

But my philosophy of driving is - don't get too upset about bad drivers. They're always going to be there, and honking at them or yelling at them doesn't magically improve their concentration, common sense, courtesy, awareness or driving skills in the slightest. I keep my cool (as a general rule) and focus on trying to ensure I myself drive safely and courteously and efficiently.

(I do get upset though when I'm in the middle of cooking a mammoth meal and the power goes off three times and the stupid gluten-free egg-free pasta dough won't behave enough for me to make ravioli with the ravioli attachment. It's worse, far worse, than your average "frustrating and inconvenient" situation. So beware of me in the kitchen when everything goes wrong. I have been known to go into dramatic lament over misbehaving dough, like a soprano going into agonies upon discovering that her cruel husband has murdered her secret (and chaste) beloved and had the body parts baked up (very Jacobean, very "Titus") and served to her in a dish she has eaten unbeknownst...
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2134 on: November 12, 2016, 09:00:11 PM »
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman In a brand new VW !! You know, a VW with rigged emissions!
Doing 75mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don ' t scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver,
Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand. In all
The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against
The steering wheel, it knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned
Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2135 on: November 16, 2016, 09:01:44 PM »
"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in
he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2136 on: November 17, 2016, 08:58:05 PM »
CLASSIC ONE-LINER QUESTIONS:
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3 . Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shihtzu, would it be called a bullshit?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
13. What do people in China call their 'good' plates?
14. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
15. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
16. What do you call male ballerinas?
17. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
20. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
21. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2137 on: December 03, 2016, 08:12:32 PM »
 ;D
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2138 on: December 03, 2016, 08:13:15 PM »
 ;D
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2139 on: December 03, 2016, 08:14:06 PM »
 ;D
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2140 on: December 06, 2016, 09:30:43 PM »
.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2141 on: December 09, 2016, 08:25:20 PM »
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast
on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
“Oh my Lord," says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
….It's a mir….Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to
the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you,
take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent
over from the Curia in Rome Italy . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the
town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
(quite outside the natural laws of the universe). Yet the Holy See must be very cautious
before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that
Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2142 on: December 09, 2016, 11:57:58 PM »
The latest UK news re EMB:

We are deeply upset to report that EMB has died.

(Nothing further is known as this point. We will miss him very much.)
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2143 on: December 10, 2016, 12:55:49 PM »
This is the news that was feared.  It is sad to find out those fears were well founded.


Embsie, you will be missed, indeed.

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2144 on: December 11, 2016, 09:09:46 PM »
With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water.
After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled, "Go to sleep, I'm watching TV."
"But Dad," he protested, "my room is still on fire!"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2145 on: December 17, 2016, 03:42:29 PM »
.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2146 on: December 23, 2016, 09:02:27 PM »
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2147 on: December 24, 2016, 05:36:50 PM »
Does anyone know how long you cook those 'boil in a bag fish' you get given from the funfair?.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2148 on: December 26, 2016, 08:58:36 PM »
.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #2149 on: January 05, 2017, 09:35:14 PM »
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