Author Topic: The Tello Files. (All things strange, witnessed, verifyable and/or credible (?) (Read 2610109 times)

M@ggie · « **Reply #1100 on:** August 05, 2009, 03:56:46 PM »

Nope, Smee.

Dessert rat would have been far more attractive. Mmmmm, dessert.

*r3830* · « **Reply #1101 on:** August 05, 2009, 04:42:42 PM »

Looks like everyone needs a couple of these.... imperial measurements as well!

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1102 on:** August 05, 2009, 04:44:33 PM »

Ahhhh!...cuttin mi lunch again dude!.... I knock off in 15 min...gimi time to get home then I'll deal with ya.... { Hi Mags ! }

*Ubbie Max* · « **Reply #1103 on:** August 05, 2009, 06:21:03 PM »

Rat, who wants rat? Here's a nice rat cake.

[attachment deleted by admin]

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1104 on:** August 05, 2009, 09:42:00 PM »

Quote from: ubbrd on August 05, 2009, 06:21:03 PM

Rat, who wants rat? Here's a nice rat cake.

Save the parsons nose for me.....

currymuncher · « **Reply #1105 on:** August 06, 2009, 08:43:15 AM »

rat,how horrible ,scary little rodents ,makes me shudder thinking of them

tellomon · « **Reply #1106 on:** August 06, 2009, 10:39:06 AM »

So, stop thinking about them.

Problem solved.

*Ubbie Max* · « **Reply #1107 on:** August 06, 2009, 11:28:20 AM »

G'day Currymuncher. Don't you think that Rat cake looks delectable?

It would be an excellent desert after a main course of Pluto Pups.

tellomon · « **Reply #1108 on:** August 06, 2009, 11:40:25 AM »

Rat Fink Pie!

It's a Hot Rod "Thang"!

*Ubbie Max* · « **Reply #1109 on:** August 06, 2009, 11:46:46 AM »

Tello. That's a pretty dam good looking rat. It would make an excellent pie filling.

tellomon · « **Reply #1110 on:** August 06, 2009, 01:19:12 PM »

Take it away!

There's more of it at photobucket.

Make mine a Double!!!!!

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1111 on:** August 06, 2009, 01:31:41 PM »

I'm at work...my PC is shackled with security policy's ...my hands are tied... I feel so abused...

tellomon · « **Reply #1112 on:** August 06, 2009, 02:42:29 PM »

I feel so abused...

Yep!

Classic tell-tale signs of a "Man at work".

Here's a ditty:

That band called "Men At Work".....

..The lead singer is Colin Hay.

I knew him in Topanga Canyon, California.

We both lived there at the time.

I was a local Handyman with local newspaper advertising.
He called me up to estimate a tree trimming job at his house.
I didn't know who he was at that time...just another local potential client.

Major snag: His house was surrounded by the highest trees in the 'Hood.

He lived in the only GLASS HOUSE in all the land.

I said I couldn't do that job. Please consult the "Licensed Professionals"....

I invited him to check out my Comedy Act at Open Mic Night at the Topanga Bar & Grill every Wednesday night.

He was there, to see ME, every week, for a long time....until it all shut down.

Brush with fame? Or, FAME rubbing elbows...?

I don't need YOU to decide.

I'm TELLING you it's SO!!!!!

Go ahead. Ask Colin Hay yerselves...

G00gle his azz................

Refer to : "Omer Of Topanga" as the person (I was) of interest.....

Yule see!

done.

tellomon · « **Reply #1113 on:** August 06, 2009, 03:57:34 PM »

Meatloaf strikes again!

Where the Blame Lies!!

How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while

Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day

for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

Your family blames the

Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes

Into a tree while driving home drunk,

He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are

Brats without manners,

You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a

Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks

Into the cockpit and

Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,

And the passengers

Kill him instead,

The mother of the crazed deceased

Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to

Understand the world

As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my

Old wrinkled ass is parked

In front of this computer,

I want all of you to

Blame....... Bill Gates.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1114 on:** August 06, 2009, 11:08:15 PM »

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1115 on:** August 06, 2009, 11:09:42 PM »

There he is guys...get him !!

[click]

*r3830* · « **Reply #1116 on:** August 08, 2009, 07:32:04 PM »

5521.... and counting

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1117 on:** August 09, 2009, 11:21:52 PM »

tellomon · « **Reply #1118 on:** August 11, 2009, 07:18:16 PM »

Totally an insignificant BUMP!..........

tellomon · « **Reply #1119 on:** August 11, 2009, 08:16:07 PM »

           Bids   Price   Shipping   Time left   Actions


HIGH TENSION DVD HORROR LION GATES FILM UNRATED WIDE
lamartifcreations ( 171 [Feedback score is 100 to 499] )
100.00

$0.99


$2.38


1d 03h

Bid now


The Plague of the Zombies (VHS, 1997, Widescreen)
rocky1216 ( 677 [Feedback score is 500 to 999] )
99.8%
   --

$2.99


$3.00


1d 04h

Buy it now


The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and t...
modernabstractart ( 333 [Feedback score is 100 to 499] )
100.0%
   5

$2.50


Free


2d 09h

Bid now


The Hills Have Eyes Wes Craven 1977 OOP RARE HORROR NR
immasood ( 457 [Feedback score is 100 to 499] )
100.0%
   0

$5.00


$3.00


2d 17h

Bid now


The Shining (VHS) Stanley Kubrick horror Jack Nicholson
kmichaelis2130 ( 1083 [Feedback score is 1,000 to 4,999] )
99.5%
   0

$0.99


$2.50


4d 02h

Bid now


Sixteen Candles (VHS) John Hughes classc Molly Ringwald
kmichaelis2130 ( 1083 [Feedback score is 1,000 to 4,999] )
99.5%
   0

$0.99


$2.50


4d 02h

Bid now


Apollo 13 (1995, VHS)
cheryn_520 ( 157 [Feedback score is 100 to 499] )
100.0%
   0

$0.99


$2.88


4d 11h

Bid now


The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror DVD Homer Lisa Bart
sunsetsinger91 ( 73 [Feedback score is 50 to 99] )
98.6%
   0

$0.95


$3.00


4d 13h

Bid now


Platoon and Natural Born Killers! Oliver Stove Special
musicmanrock1 ( 54 [Feedback score is 50 to 99] )
100.0%
   0

$0.99


$2.50


5d 11h

Bid now


Running Scared DVD
leftytaurus ( 4728 [Feedback score is 1,000 to 4,999] )
99.1%
   0

$0.99


$1.99


5d 12h

Bid now


Spider-Man Spiderman DVD Two Discs Full Screen Special
celicaboy393 ( 817 [Feedback score is 500 to 999] )
100.0%
   0

$0.99


$1.99


5d 16h

Bid now

Goof Posts on OZ-RT 2009
(Restricted)

The 'feds' NEVER allowed a chat line......

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1120 on:** August 11, 2009, 09:16:16 PM »

Here ya go Tello...first visit free !....

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1121 on:** August 11, 2009, 09:18:16 PM »

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1122 on:** August 12, 2009, 12:51:51 AM »

Alright ya wonker don't sook I'll give ya dieing thread a bump......

tellomon · « **Reply #1123 on:** August 13, 2009, 02:42:11 PM »

http://www.ozroundtable.com/index.php?topic=787.0

tellomon · « **Reply #1124 on:** August 13, 2009, 06:25:35 PM »

It's Movie Night, everynight, in The House of Tello.

This viewing currently includes "Silent Hill". (I've seen it before!)

I found something EXTRA Groovy Special.

From the Trivia page at imdb:

In the film, Silent Hill is a desolate ghost town that had been abandoned because of a dangerous 30-year-old coal fire burning in the mines under the town. Screenwriter Roger Avary used a real-life town as the inspiration for Silent Hill: Centralia, Pennsylvania. Centralia is almost completely deserted due to a mine fire burning right under the community for 40 years. Avary saw what Centralia had become, as well as its history, and decided to use its past as the basis for Silent Hill.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0384537/trivia

I G00gled the joint; here's a great looksie:

The story began sometime in 1962 along the outskirts of town when trash was burned in the pit of an abandoned strip mine, which connected to a coal vein running near the surface. The burning trash caught the exposed vein of coal on fire. The fire was thought to be extinguished but it apparently wasn't when it erupted in the pit a few days later. Again the fire was doused with water for hours and thought to be out. But it wasn't. The coal then began to burn underground. That was in 1962. For the next two decades, workers battled the fire, flushing the mines with water and fly ash, excavated the burning material and dug trenches, backfilled, drilling again and again in an attempt to find the boundaries of the fire and plan to put the fire out or at least contain it.

All efforts failed to do either as government officials delayed to take any real action to save the village. By the early 1980s the fire had affected approximately 200 acres and homes had to be abandoned as carbon monoxide levels reached life threatening levels. An engineering study concluded in 1983 that the fire could burn for another century or even more and "could conceivably spread over an area of approximately 3,700 acres."

http://www.offroaders.com/album/centralia/centralia.htm

Mine fire

“ This was a world where no human could live, hotter than the planet Mercury, its atmosphere as poisonous as Saturn's. At the heart of the fire, temperatures easily exceeded 1,000 degrees. Lethal clouds of carbon monoxide and other gases swirled through the rock chambers. ”

It is not known for certain how the fire that made Centralia essentially unlivable was ignited. One theory asserts that in May 1962, Centralia Borough Council hired five members of the volunteer fire company to clean up the town landfill, located in an abandoned strip mine pit next to the Odd Fellows Cemetery. This had been done prior to Memorial Day in previous years, when the landfill was in a different location. The firefighters, as they had in the past, set the dump on fire, and let it burn for a time. Unlike in previous years, however, the fire was not extinguished.

Film

* The town and its few remaining residents are the focus of Chris Perkel and Georgie Roland's 2007 feature-length documentary The Town That Was.

* The town is the inspiration for the 1991 cult film Nothing But Trouble, written by Dan Aykroyd.

* In the 2006 horror film, Silent Hill, the town of Silent Hill has been abandoned due to a prolonged mine fire, which writer, Roger Avery, says was inspired by Centralia. Aspects of this are shown throughout the movie, such as characters wandering through the misty version of Silent Hill wearing mining gear.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centralia,_Pennsylvania

http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=40.803333,-76.341667&spn=0.3,0.3&t=h&q=40.803333,-76.341667

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1125 on:** August 13, 2009, 07:26:53 PM »

Don't look now Tello the buzzards are circling.....when did ya last have a bath?....LOL

tellomon · « **Reply #1126 on:** August 13, 2009, 07:37:40 PM »

Bite my bath bubbles, Yib. They're not the soapy ones.

And now, something more, ON Topic:

The Hottest Town in America

For nearly 20 years it has been burning—and fuming On the surface, at least, Centralia looks much like dozens of neighboring towns in the hard-coal country of eastern Pennsylvania. A casual traveler topping the hill where Route 61 swings up from the south can take in the entire community at a glance, from St. Ignatius' Catholic church at one end of town, past the wooden row houses and empty storefronts in the center, to onion-domed St. Mary's Russian Orthodox church at the other. But a more careful look reveals something else: acrid-smelling steam coming from the ground. Centralia sits on a bed of fire; it is its own hell on earth. The steam rises from pipes in the middle of Route 61, from vents in the yard of a gas station, from six tall stacks on a hilltop to the right of the highway and from holes that have opened in the ground itself.

Centralia's residents are steaming too.

They have posted signs (example: SAVE OUR TOWN—PUT OUT THE FIRE) everywhere, on homes, storefronts and automobiles, demanding that the Federal Government put out the fire that has been smoldering for nearly two decades in the abandoned mine shafts under their town.

Unless the fire is extinguished, many of the 1,200 people who live in this small community 100 miles northwest of Philadelphia may be forced to move. Laments Joan Girolami, 38, who has lived there for 15 years: "The town is dying, and nobody's doing anything to save it."

Centralia's ordeal began in 1962, when fire from a refuse pit southeast of town spread into one of the coal seams and then into the mines, eventually forcing them to close. At first, no one seemed terribly concerned. A 1965 attempt to locate and excavate the blaze—the only way to extinguish an anthracite fire—was abandoned when local funds ran out. A number of subsequent attempts were also unsuccessful. Many townspeople assumed that if they ignored the fire it would eventually burn itself out.

It did not. Sulfurous smoke and steam, produced as the fire has heated underground water, have continued to rise through vents in the surface; heat has continued to build. Tom Coddington found in 1979 that the temperature in the underground gasoline storage tanks at his Amoco station had risen to 172° F. He was forced to drain the tanks to avoid an explosion. A few months later Coddington, who lived with his family in an apartment above the station, was overcome by carbon monoxide and rushed to a nearby hospital. Since then he has moved his family to a trailer set up on the town's ball field. Five other families were forced to move after monitors installed in their homes by the U.S. Department of the Interior's Bureau of Mines measured high carbon monoxide levels. "It got so we couldn't close our windows," said Tony Andrade. "We just gassed out."

The experiences of the six displaced families forced state and federal officials to take the fire more seriously. Then, last Valentine's Day, Todd Domboski, 12, went out to investigate smoke he saw rising from his grandmother's backyard, fell into a fuming hole that suddenly opened under his feet, and was saved only because a cousin had seen the accident and was able to pull him out.

The Bureau of Mines, which has statutory responsibility for mine fires and other problems resulting from bad mining practices, began the process of buying out 27 families whose homes lie within the "impact area" most threatened by escaping gases and steam, and moving them elsewhere. But the bureau has yet to take any steps to locate the fire and excavate in order to reach it, a process that would cost $80 million, or to relocate the more than 100 homes that could be affected if it did excavate.

Nor is aid for Centralia likely to come from anywhere else. Two men appeared in April, introducing themselves as representatives of an unidentified company interested in purchasing Centralia. They offered to buy out homeowners and establish a new town a few miles away in return for the right to mine the coal under Centralia. Most residents did not take the proposal too seriously. Says Tom Larkin, president of the Concerned Citizens Action Group: "We're not that desperate."

But some Centralians, unable to sell the homes that constitute their earthly wealth, are getting desperate. A number of parents believe that the fire down below is having a psychological effect on their children, many of whom have expressed fears of falling into holes like the one that nearly swallowed the Domboski boy. Others fear for their families' physical safety. Christine Oakum, 28, keeps a canary named Fred and an electronic monitor that checks for carbon monoxide and other gases in her home; she has taught her four boys, ages two to seven, to leave the house immediately if the alarm sounds. "As long as Freddie is singing and the monitor is beeping, you know things are all right," says Oakum, "but it's a nightmare." Katherine Jurgill, 20, who keeps an ear tuned to the monitor in her home, shares that anxiety. Jurgill's daughter Katrina, 2, was sick much of last winter. Her second child is due in mid-July. "The Government says we're safe," she remarks, "but it's hard to see steam coming out of the ground on both sides and believe that we are."

Some Centralians insist they will never leave their homes. But a growing majority say they are willing to move. In a nonbinding referendum that drew 80% of the borough's electorate last month, townspeople voted 434 to 204 to move if necessary. "You can replace a home," said Girolami. "You can't replace a family. A lot of us would be happy if the Government moved us. We've been waiting 19 years for them to put out the fire."

The people of Centralia may have to wait a bit longer. An underground mine fire at Carbondale, 50 miles to the north, burned for 33 years before it was finally extinguished in 1965. That fire asphyxiated six people before the Federal Government dug it out and smothered it with water and slurry. Centralia's fire has not killed anyone yet. —By Peter Staler

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,950532-1,00.html

tellomon · « **Reply #1127 on:** August 13, 2009, 08:14:04 PM »

More:

http://www.offroaders.com/album/centralia/Silent-Hill.htm

tellomon · « **Reply #1128 on:** August 13, 2009, 08:36:12 PM »

Here's a flick I know Yib will like:

ROBOT MONSTER

Robot Monster is the Citizen Kane of abysmal 1950s science fiction. It has everything modern viewers have come to expect from movies of this genre: a laughable plot line, completely improbable situations, ludicrous acting, unbelievably awful special effects, cheapjack production values, gaffes galore, and examples of how to fail miserably at every major aspect of motion picture production. For good measure it also sports easily the most ridiculous "monster" in the history of film! The plot is so thin that it can't even be stretched comfortably over the film's 66-minute running time without generous padding. A family, headed by the requisite German-accented scientist and including a "hot" chick, a "manly" guy, and two cutesy-poo kids wander through the desert after Earth has been annihilated by a guy in a gorilla suit wearing a plastic diving helmet. That's basically it, except for some nonsensical pap about an immunity serum. When the guy in the monkey suit is far and away the best actor in the picture, you've got a MAJOR problem--but compared to John Mylong as "The Professor," Ro-Man is Laurence Olivier. You could drive a semi through the plot holes. The dialogue clangers pile up like horseshoes on George H.W. Bush's lawn. You feel embarrassed for director Phil Tucker, and almost ashamed to laugh at this movie when you learn that the bad reviews of the film drove him to attempt suicide. The experience of watching this film, even with its abnormally short running time, is so excruciating that it feels like you've wasted five hours of your life. It's so bad that after a while you begin to marvel at its very badness, and ultimately you come away awe-stricken.

I call it a masterpiece because under normal circumstances only a talented and determined genius could make a film that sinks as low and violates so many rules of film-making, storytelling and suspension of disbelief as this one does. It takes real talent to make Ed Wood look like Stanley Kubrick, but Phil Tucker pulled it off. For that alone he deserves a place in film history.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0046248/

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1129 on:** August 14, 2009, 12:54:31 AM »

That's it ! this threads going down!...errr...who's got a match ?....

*CountessA* · « **Reply #1130 on:** August 14, 2009, 10:03:57 AM »

Tello, it's time for you to watch "M", and Cabinet of Dr Caligari, in between all of these other "high points" of cinematic triumph.

tellomon · « **Reply #1131 on:** August 14, 2009, 10:43:47 AM »

As per yer suggestion, I bought and watched "M".

I dunno about the other one.

I have all the South Parks, is that OK?

*CountessA* · « **Reply #1132 on:** August 14, 2009, 01:18:20 PM »

Well, according to the top-secret intel I have, watching and owning South Park videos or DVDs is not a crime, so I think it must be all right...!

Do you have/have you watched Shadow of the Vampire? Interesting film...

If you're in the mood for something tear-jerky and gorgeous and nostalgic, "Random Harvest" - without question my favourite tear-jerk classic drama film of all time.

"Night Watch", the Russian film - you must have that, yes?

tellomon · « **Reply #1133 on:** August 14, 2009, 02:05:04 PM »

No.

No.

Yes!

tellomon · « **Reply #1134 on:** August 14, 2009, 02:32:54 PM »

Quote from: Yibida---<;)))< on August 14, 2009, 12:54:31 AM

That's it ! this threads going down!...errr...who's got a match ?....

tellomon · « **Reply #1135 on:** August 14, 2009, 06:06:33 PM »

Trailer Park Boys 2: Countdown to Liquor Day

The only difference between you and them is a couple of drinks…

Ricky, Julian and Bubbles are about to get out of jail, and this time, Julian vows to go straight, even open a legit business. Soon the Boys will all be rich. At least that’s what they’ve told the parole board. But when they arrive back at the park, they find it’s not the same old Sunnyvale - and it’s not the same old Jim Lahey, Trailer Park Supervisor.

Lahey’s a new man, hasn’t had a drink for two years. And he has plans - BIG PLANS - for Sunnyvale. But unfortunately for Lahey, Julian stands in his way. With his big plans for Sunnyvale going down the toilet, his relationship with Randy broken down, and having the Boys back in the park is all way too much pressure for him to bear. For Jim Lahey, the countdown to liquor day is on.

Meanwhile, Julian’s having problems of his own and the Boys are forced to resort to doing what they know best - breaking the law. Lahey’s descent into the liquor coupled with the Boys descent into crime puts them all on a collision course to mayhem and destruction, trailer park style.

http://blog.movieset.com/2009/08/07/trailer-park-boys-2-countdown-to-liquor-day-first-look-new-trailer-and-poster/

tellomon · « **Reply #1136 on:** August 14, 2009, 08:49:05 PM »

Management Course
____________________________

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull shite might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shites on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shite is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shite, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1137 on:** August 14, 2009, 09:58:11 PM »

tellomon · « **Reply #1138 on:** August 14, 2009, 10:02:50 PM »

Oh yeah?

I get my material out of my computer.

You pull yers out of yer bum.

tellomon · « **Reply #1139 on:** August 18, 2009, 12:56:47 AM »

The Final Destination (aka FD4)

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3834315289/

tellomon · « **Reply #1140 on:** August 18, 2009, 03:04:25 AM »

From the email archives of Gina, aka Meatloaf:

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff… ENJOY!!

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the verandah. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, shite, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the dunnies which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the dunny, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal arsplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-Irma Grese!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store

*Yibida* · « **Reply #1141 on:** August 18, 2009, 02:20:56 PM »

Quote from: tellomon on August 18, 2009, 03:04:25 AM

From the email archives of Gina, aka Meatloaf:

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff… ENJOY!!

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the verandah. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, shite, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the dunnies which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the dunny, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal arsplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-Mrs Dog!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store

Tello...I wasn't sure where you were going with this for a while...when you got to the paint tin / can section I thought I new the outcome...I was on a different thought wave... well there was a happy ending and the rest room was attainable, BUT..if was occupied?...maybe in part two with the left over chillies episode.... Phantom menace / part 2 # "The gas clouds of Uranus"....

currymuncher · « **Reply #1142 on:** August 18, 2009, 02:37:27 PM »

tello ,brilliant ,I still have not stopped laughing

*wheels* · « **Reply #1143 on:** August 18, 2009, 03:10:10 PM »

My favourite chili jokes:

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili. The waitress tells him that the man in the next booth ordered the last one. He joins the man, see's he has a full bowl and asks "can I have your chili?" the man says sure. The man starts eating until he comes to the bottom of the bowl and see's a dead mouse. He vomits into the bowl, the other man says - yeah, I did the same thing.

And this one I 'borrowed' when Cupie posted it on the old RT

CHILI CONTEST
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK -Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shite-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shite on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

tellomon · « **Reply #1144 on:** August 18, 2009, 04:20:33 PM »

Fine. Just fine! That was Meatloaf's material, remember?

Now, another off topic (What topic?) topic:

(Boosted from the 'other' thread...)

Hey Yib!.....why, or, "How About" you just PM yer crap to me on the DL, and keep these boards stain-free????

Listen up, Dog! I got a NEW! & Groovy thread coming up, chock full of scoop that yule NEVER match-up-to... or fly side by side in military formation with.....

Buckel up, ye unsavory antagonist (bot evasion terminology). I got a Brain-Load that yule NEVER be able to mock!!!! Or recover from.

Ready?

C):-{= <" he aint ready. im with you on this, tello..... the case studies are in, and yib has been deemed to be a genuine wannah-be sociopath with an eBay account and a license to blather on the OZRT.... and we know how funky/toxic that is......

better off for the greater good that ya back off yib and go head-long into that fabulous WIGGINS treat! I know you knew him...I was there, as your imaginary majic weed in yer backyard when you was 5 years old.... we can play this off bro. trust me. these aussies are ripe for un-aussified, stateside pap.....

get it up, lay the law down and put it on.......!

slip a sample to lauch this headtrip.... "<<

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_E._Wiggins

Tello sez: Where I lived as a boy, I was Chucks nebor, and his youngest boy was my playmate. I have the pictures! And his big brother posted on Classmates.com and there was all that....Hooo-Boy!

caadlad52 · « **Reply #1145 on:** August 18, 2009, 05:04:54 PM »

Tello, old boy, you're gunna love this....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8206280.stm

tellomon · « **Reply #1146 on:** August 18, 2009, 05:15:12 PM »

"My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever.

Ay, ye bumbling idiot...you shoot 'em in the head. They go down pretty easy.

Who's the new kid?

Howdy, and I suppose you already have me figured out.... (!!!!)