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Hi everyone..I see some of you have left us..its nice to hear from yous..come and visit us now and again..we are only up the road from you.. yours..Tommy
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Its 6am here in uk
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Tommy, we're sorry! We really are!
I've just been horribly and insanely busy... If I showed you my daily to-do list, you'd perish on the spot.
It's no excuse, though, is it?
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I pop in now and then...I will flitter over tonight ;) and spread the love ..xxxx (http://i579.photobucket.com/albums/ss232/edgabrit/hug.gif)
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Hi Tommy...guilty as charged....busy as a blue arsed fly lately
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/fly.gif)
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I must admit that I, too, have been absent from the AU and UK boards for the greater part of the last two months - and am quite conscious of the fact.
It's not because I value them any less - but time is an issue and it is sometimes daunting to rock up to a thread that is 400 posts further on from last visit.
I must try and visit - it is only fair to acknowledge the important link we shared between the .AU boards and here.
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Hi Brumby.....Hey Tommy..just went over and shouted everyone a virtual Melbourne Bitter in penance.....because of course, in NSW Australia...it's 7.15 pm....so having a cold beer is perfectly OK.....maybe I should have offered em a coffee? cuppa cha?
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Cupie, I would have gone with a choice of Earl Grey or English Breakfast ... TEA, that is!
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Glad to see some of yous on the UK Round Table..we are always happy to see you
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Hey Tommy, why not paste the link to the Aussie Refuge thread on here, so us lazy types can just flick over there at the drop of a hat?
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The Thread in uk is dieing..come and keep it alive
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Sorry haven't been there much as like others have a very hectic schedule, and coming up to end of financial year it gets busier for me anyways, but I will pop over and say hello.
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Link coming up...
http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1200286475&anticache=1244274458042
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Thanks fluffy, that makes things much easier.
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You are most welcome Miss Cupie. *Gives Cupie a hug*
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The Thread in uk is dieing..come and keep it alive
Hi to Tommy!!! :welcomedesk:
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http://forums.ebay.co.uk/forum.jspa?forumID=10&anticache=1244290283203 IS UK LINK....Hi Fluffy
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This thread is dead..only 1 person a day..you have all killed it..thanks fluffy for replyin
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Fluffy keeps applying CPR. Do I need to give it another burst?
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More CPR applied Tommy. ;D
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Hey tommy...nice to see you back.....you know that the UK crew are welcome here too....nobody's intentionally avoiding the UK RT......I think it's more about people being really busy at present with end of year taxes and end of financial year sales etc.
It usually is frantic in June/July......thanks for the link, I'll drop in when I have time today, and invite everyone over here as well..it will be fun doing a forum relay....you guys can drop in and tell us when you're all awake and we can come over and haunt you during the waking hours.
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Yeah Cupie. Good idea. The UK crew all have a great sense of humour. It would be good to see them join up & post here.
Some of us have been remiss (me especially) and have not been posting on the UK board.
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Well, then ubb...maybe we'll have to have an OZ/UK 'Exchange Program'...lol
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Yep, that's a good idea.
(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/000202C7.gif)
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The UK thread has over 11,000 replys ...now somedays it has none..its dieing thanks to you ,not useing it anymore.( you lot of time waisters,get of you arse and do something about it ) hope to hear from you
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One dose of resuscitation applied...
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Good to see you in RT today Countessa and Fluffy
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Its 8pm here in uk...good to see some of you posting again in RT ..uk again
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its 11.30pm here in the UK..Goodmorning to you all
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Good evening to you Tommy & good morning to everyone here.
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Hi Ubbrd its 6am in uk and its a nice day
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Hi Tommy, it's 3.05pm here in NSW Australia, and it's been a beautiful sunny winters day here on the coast.
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Hi Cupie..just passing bye..there all asleep in UK
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Ah, you see Tommy, they don't know how wonderful it is getting up at sparrow fart and enjoying the world without so much noise in it....lol. I get up around 5am most mornings....all you hear as the sun comes up is the birds singing and the surf rolling in.....almost as good as rain on the tin roof...lol.
I'm a morning person...so..... top of the morning to ya !!
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Top o the mornin to you Cupie..am away back to UK see you later
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Cheerio then !! Say hello to everyone over there Tommy, I've got another early morning and lots to do this afternoon. Cheers.
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(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/Skulls/skulls-2-1.gif)
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Now... where was it that I first heard the term "skellington" for skeleton? I've no idea why, but it struck me as incredibly funny.
I must have been very young, probably four. At that age, we think lots of things are funny.
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Its 8am here and very sunny 22* .Good to see nice weather
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Hello Tommy. I visited the Refugees thread and left a message this morning...
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Hi Lady Fluffy seen your message..they have given up..its dieing
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Hi Tommy. ;D
Nice to catch up with you here or there.
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*more CPR*
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Just applied a little kiss of life Countess, but it wasn't totally dead. Was still breathing. Revived I do believe prior to my visit by a Dancing Kitten, the Gorgeous Tommy and a Delightful Countess.
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5am here...hows everyone..Hi Countessa..Hi Fluffy
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Hi Tommy !!
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Hi Liisa-Sx...its 1.30pm here in the UK
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Hi ya Tommy !
(http://s691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_300.gif)
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Yibida..is that Michael Jackson
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or John Cleese doing the silly walk ?
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Hi Tommy, I think he's an English Bobby?... I think the police are called Bobby's over there in the UK arn't they?.....
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Have also been referred to as 'Peelers' - both are references to the founder of the Metropolitan Police Force (as well as law and prison reform): Sir Robert Peel.
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1 thread in 3 days..its dead..gone forgotten
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Hi Tommy.....I don't get much time these days to be on several forums at once, in between this site, work, and RL, and as in the UK, it's end of financial year, so many of our members here are fairly busy trying to get that out of the way...... but....is there any reason we can't invite our UK mates to be members here too...so we can still have an occasional natter? We all enjoy seeing you pop in to say g'day, and Logsie still drops in occasionally.....Haven't seen Embsie for a while or Loopy Lynn, but they must know they are always welcome in this little patch of Oz.
Do you think the UK members we came to know during the Exile period, would think us rude if we emailed them and asked them if they'd like to join us here occasionally? Tart n Soul, Pixie and all of the Hijackers?
I'm still in awe of their skill in re-taking a hijacked thread....surgical precision...lol
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Hi cupie... its finished in the UK..but i will visit you all
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That's good Tommy.....if any of the others feel like dropping in for a chat, tell em to feel free...we'd love to see any or all of them..great bunch of people on the UK boards.
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Hi cupie just passing by
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Hi tommy..always nice to see ya's......tell me is Stout beer that popular in Ireland or are we all being fooled by the promoter's blarney???
More importantly are there really leprachauns at the end of the garden? and how exactly do you 'Tickle a Trout'?
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I only ask because one of our members Ubb is a fly fisherman and he can't even manage to catch a trout...let alone tickle one....lmao.... :potstir:
The Irish must be a clever people indeed !
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MEMBERS! ALERT!
We need to make sure our thread on the UK forum doesn't die. It's got bandages all over it, and the doctors are seeing the ECM perform an ominous blip.
Post if you have fingers. If not, well... use your nose...?
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G'day Cupie. check out this Rainbow Trout. 6lb. I caught it on fly last year.
[attachment deleted by admin]
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Must be very big flys in Aussey land
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Countessa... the UK thread is like Michael Jackson...dead and Cupie we dont have the wee people in my garden..wish i had
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Tommy, I urge you to think of the thread more as though it were Elvis. He's always being spotted - ALIVE... abducted by aliens, spotted at a McDonald's, seen walking down the street...
It's life, Tommy, but not as we know it.
At any rate, I'll do my best to revive it.
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Contessa ..what happened to the ebayers who said they would ..never go back to ebay.....ha..ha..
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Hi tommy, how's things in your end of the world....it's 5pm Sunday over here....been a really sunny day, so haven't been around much.....
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Cupie...Sup?....LOL
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All im asking is you come to The Round Table UK and look at Aussie Refugees ,.It has 11413 threads bt now it is DIEING...Hope to hear from some of you
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<h1> Hi Cupie..good to hear from you..<h1>
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Hi Tommy....I think we'll have to synchronise watches.....now let me see...when it's 5pm here, it's what time over there? Many members wont' come on line for a few hours....so we can organise a time so we don't pass like ships in the proverbial time space continuum...
And speaking of the space contiuum...Hi Yib.....how's ya day been
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Hi cupie...had to go and have tea so I couldn't answer but I'm back now... it's been a lazy sort of day... you know...lazy.
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Same here....started sorting out a spare room got an hour into it and thought nup.....Sun shining, birds singing...still bloody cold, but much easier when it's sunny.
I'm having Spaghetti Bol for dinner.....one of those winter faves.....Had Irish Stew the other night....with Real Guiness in it...hiccup...burp....yummy !! ;D
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Yep....I had veal and chicken parmigiana's with oven roasted tator's...very nice....
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Yum, haven't had parmigiana for ages......might make that tomorrow night
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Evening all. Chicken Parmigiana mmmmmmm! One of my favourites, I'm very jealous.
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The UK forum thread needs your assistance, one and all.
Become a post donor on the UK Aussie Refugees thread.
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Just tried a few posts - and found it rather frustrating.
Keep getting 'The page cannot be displayed' after a long wait when posting - but the posts go up (at least). Viewing is normal.
No conducive to contributing....
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I know there is a problem with the page reloading after posting, but let's try to encourage the thread anyway.
It was our refuge while we had nowhere else, and the people were (and are) fantastic!
Direct link: here (http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1200286475&tstart=0).
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Not bad 11444 its alive for another day..anyone see Fluffy..Lady Fluffy
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Hello Tommy,
How are you?
*Gives Tommy a great big special kiss and hug*
:kisshug:
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hello ...just passing by..cupie..coustessa..fluffy duck...bye for now
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Thanks for dropping in again, Tommy - we need your Irish charm here!
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Its 8 am here...hows everyone..good to see some of you on RT UK again
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Hi Tommy....top of the morning to ya !! found those little people yet?
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Its 8 am here...hows everyone..good to see some of you on RT UK again
When Irish eyes are smiling.... :guitar: :sing:
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We have 11461 threads so far on RT UK..hi cupie..hi fluffy..anyone else your welcome to Round Table UK..8.20am here..nice and sunny
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Every post helps.
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Hi just visiting its 9pm here and am checking my emails
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Hi tommy...it's 1.46 pm here, so it should be approaching dawn very soon on your side of the earth.....so getting in early.....top of the morning to ya !!
Bumped into Logsie the other night...or was that morning ?......always fun.
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The top of the afternoon to ya Tommy!!! :quack: :-*
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Its 9am here...its 6pm in aussie... Hi cupie..contessa.. fluffy and all the watchers..instead of watching ,why dont you visit the uk board your always wellcome..its nice and sunny here..20*..
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Waves to Tommy :welcomedesk:
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Waves to fluff...and everyone else..6.14am in UK
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Hiya Tommy, 3.22 pm here in lovely cold old Melbourne town. ;D
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We are getting sunshine today
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Not us Tommy. Or should I say not where I live.
;D
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We had a clear sky last night and a bright red sunrise......bloody cold, but sunny for most of the day today....wonaful........Hi tommy.....it was warmer in the UK today than it was here..only 18 degrees max...but still nice.
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Its our summer cupie
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Yeah I figured as much Tommy.....so just curious? How often does the sun Shine in Ireland during Summer? Here, it's bloody constant, and sometimes melt material.
When I was a kid I remember times when the road tar used to melt and stick to your thongs it was so hot.....we used to sleep under a wet towel during 5 day heatwaves.....somehow it doesn't seem as hot these days...maybe I was just younger...lol.
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We get 6 months of summer weather most of the time its wet
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What? Outrageous....sounds like you'd be right at home in Melbourne my friend...and hey presto.....a face for the name.....
Are all you Irish blokes so good lookin?
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I see you got the snipe 100 ..not bad for 70
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Gord blimey...didn't even notice the snipe.....
not bad for 70
So you did find those little people eh? Must be something in the water over there......or we just look older cause we're baked by the Aussie sun....Never could understand sunbaking.....the only thing missing was the rotisserie and hey presto.....BBQ Chooks on a beach.
But we know better these days don't we?
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I love sitting in the sun..it seems to get into your bones and warm you up
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Yeah Tommy...great in Spring over here, but our summer heat can hit 40 degrees and up......Hey....have you seen Loopy Lynn Lately?
Say that three times really fast I dares ya !!!
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See lynn every day on RT uk..am away for breakfast 7am here..come you to UK
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Hither shall I come then......but then, what time does that make it here? at 7am UK time that is? You guys are what....15 hours behind?.....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/Colere_64.gif) I always bugga up the time difference....
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Will contessa or fluffy send link to.. UK thread for loopy lynn she needs to get on this Round Table
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Woohoo!! Hellooo Good looking!!!
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Done already tommy.....I'm back and forward but the Ebay forums take forever to load...same as Aus...don't know why....
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Hi cupie and fluffy..nice and sunny in UK,,its 7.15am here lovely day..all people are talking about is Swine Flu
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Hi Tommy...it was a lovely day today......sunny but still cold...
I know what you mean about swine flu...our authorities are now admitting that 75% of flus currently going around are swine flu..none other...so much for infectious disease control eh? Lucky it wasn't the plague, we'd never stop it. Maybe they forgot to tell employers to send staff home before they infected the whole workforce and half the public ?.
I was at the supermarket the other day and I know a lot of the locals who work and shop there....mate I was ducking, weaving, stepping back, apologising....humorously of course.....The majority of staff had the flu....many customers I knew personally had the flu.....I can't afford to get the flu...so I'll run in the opposite direction from a sneezing/coughing person right now...lol. But it's absolutely everywhere this year really noticeable.
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Hi cupie ..i dont want the flu at my age it would kill me... its 7.30am time to go back to UK for breakfast..see you bye
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Seems swine flu spreads really easily - which is why there is the 'pandemic' (which just means it's all over the place).
Fortunately it is not a severe flu and the 'deaths' I've heard about are from people with other serious health problems - that could have been just as susceptible to a noseful of ammonia from a cleaner's bucket. But it's more senational if you kinda leave that as understated.
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Hi Tommy and Cupie.
Well Tommy, I live in Victoria, the Australian Swine flu capital
But have avoided it so far....
;D
4:46 pm here in cold old Melbourne and all is well.
Ah hello nice horsey!!!
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Hi fluff...just get up?.....LOL
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:slap: :quack:
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Today wednesday 7.45am..we are going to get rain ..18*..hope countessa is better..hi cupie..hi lady fluffy...am away again
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Tommy, I'm still ill - seems to be a mean-minded little virus. But I hope to be better tomorrow.
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Hi countessa..was reading other posts..what about loopy lynn...is she to fat to get in (she will kill me when she reads this..fat)ha..ha
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:rofl: Hi Tommy...hey you're right...you're a dead man when she reads that.....and yes....it's all fixed up apparently...so Lynny should be able to get in now..
It's 5.02 here and just thinking about dinner.....crumbed lamb cutlets and mash....love winter food....so decadent..
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The top of the evenin' to ya Tommy!!!!
Don't know the temp, but it is cold.
It is 5.28 pm here!!!
:groucho:
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It's 5.02 here and just thinking about dinner.....crumbed lamb cutlets and mash....love winter food....so decadent..
Crumbed lamb cutlets? Did you win the lottery?
I love them (though really a bit too fatty) - but they cost a fortune here in Sydney. Last ime I looked it was over $1.50 each - and there wasn't a lot for your money!
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Hiya Gang...finally got in (thanks again Contessa)...this is a testing post to see if it works.
Off to the local show shortly, so will pop back in again when I return to see if this post has gone through.
AND.....Tommy.....I is not fat...am 9 stone, and 5'5" tall, so well in proportion, specially for me age.
Cheers Folks xxxx
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YAY!!! That worked...must sort out a piccy later on to use as an avatar.
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Hi, Loopy Lynn - fantastic to see you here!
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Welcome aboard Loopy Lynn.
:pirateship:
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Hi Lynn I see you got past the bot bouncer?...lol Nice to see ya in these parts. Now all we have to do is hijack the hijackers over here....hehehehe
:evillaugh:
Hey maybe we can use Smee as the bait....hehehe
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Hi Lynn. Welcome.
Cupie - behave! (well, at least out in the open)
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YIPPEE!!! (think) I managed to get the pic in of lil "Irish" dog & meself on St Pat's Day.
Thanks for all the welcomes folks...now I know how to get in here, will try to pop in on a daily basis.
*does not brag about Queenslanders winning State of Origin again*
(nearly 'lost' me voice today after all that "Go Maroons!" last night).
btw...my family down south call them the "Morons"...have had to change me will again!
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Howdie Lyn!!!! A warm warm welcome!!!!!!! Yay!!!!
:kisshug: :bounce:
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btw...my family down south call them the "Morons"...have had to change me will again!
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/36_12_6.gif)
Hi Lynn.....where's tommy? lurking? or sleeping in?
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Goodmorning cupie and everyone else..hi lynn good to see you here..who,s the skinny bird in your photo
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Oh oh...... :chair:
Hi Tommy...you're a brave man....top of the morning to ya !!
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No cupie its better to be skinny than fat..lynns a cracker,,,I could sort out her born again virgin with her... its 9am here
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Tommy...hope ye noticed that we had the Irish colours on the pram, White/Green/Orange.
Ye're sweeties Cupie & Fluffy...can see we'll get along ok xxxx
*makes note to self to learn how to use those smiley thingys tomorra*
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Hi sweetheart nice to see you no other uk ones on here...hi countessa hope your better..hi lady fluffy
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I could sort out her born again virgin with her
Come on Lynn...don't skirt around the interesting bits? What is Tommy talking about? mmhhh????......are we missing something here?....???...mmmhhh????
:dance:
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Logsie drops in occasionally and embsie is a member....
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You have a dirty mind cupie...and I love it ..ha..ha ..see you soon.. am away to uk for breakfast
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As to feeling better... unfortunately not. I could feel myself turning pale and clammy at work, and I gritted my teeth and told myself I could hang on for another hour...
Lynn, just use the "more" link next to the grinning smiley above the text field when you type a post, and the emoticons will be at your fingertips. (Click onto the emoticon you want, and then onto another if you want more, and hit "Close" when you've posted enough of them!)
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Was already for a nice big Hello to Loopy I use to follow her whilst lurking on the UK boards
BUT I'm not sure now what to say now after reading her post
Sooooooooo you won the State of Origin :10:
thankgoodness we won last night :yess: :yess: :yess:
and can't wait for next year :pirateduel:
Oh ...all right......Hello Lynn
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You have a dirty mind cupie...and I love it ..ha..ha ..see you soon.. am away to uk for breakfast
Aha now...see how they both skirted around the issue ?..mmmmhhh!!! now I'm really suspicious....lol
:violin: :serenade:
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/smiley_80.gif)
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I didn't finish...I keep hitting post and mean to hit something else :roflmao: :roflmao:
again...Hello Lynn :welcome!:
see ya around
:ivanhoe:
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Hey westie...you can modify your posts if you want to and add things.
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Thanks Cupie......I am just showing my *intelligence* here...but I often manage to hit the POST button when I want to write a post... instead of the *reply* button... and in the last instance I hit POST when I was going for the* add smiley* box...I will get the hang of it eventually.....with the adding bit do you mean go use the preview box?
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It's the "modify" button, Hell WestnCrooked. It's enabled for 30 minutes after posting in case you need to edit your post.
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Sorry Westie...meant to come back and tell you the same thing, but we've had thunderstorms in our region for two days now, so had to get off line pretty quick. Thanks countess....
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Thanks Cupie and Countessa
Hope you get some rain Cupie...if you need it that is!
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No westie...we could actually do without it....I'm trying to concrete a front patio...and it's on, off, on, off, on, off.....sheesh.....and the Council (after three years of fighting with them) are trying to tar and gutter our road, which isn't actually a road....it's a road like structure....or dirt track....lmao...anyway...semantics...soon it will grow up and be a weal woad !! If the rain stops that is.....it rained all night last night......very soggy here today.
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Good afternoon to all. ;D
Tommy & Lynn, (he he), Westie, Countessa, Cupie,
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Hi fluffy....been out for a while...nice sunny day here....Tommy should show up soon....it will be morning in the UK...probably having brekkie....
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hi cupie 8am here..27 dead with swine flu..55,000 have got it in UK..they say 65,000 could die from it in UK if it spreads..havnt took any breakfast yet....
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I think we have the same number dead from swine flu here too Tommy, but apparently, it's hitting the young more than the older generation .....someone was saying...not sure which news program, that older generations have more resistance because we've been through so many flu seasons...but I'm taking no chances.
I wore one of those biker style bandanna's around my neck at work today..... with Eucalyptus oil on it....every time I came across someone coughing and sneezing I just hid in my neck scarf...lol.
I heard that in a week in the UK, there were 55,000 new cases and it had spread throughout almost the whole of the UK...wow...that's fast.
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cupie they are saying in uk that the lost backpacker is a con
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Can't say I know one way or another, but the place he was lost is rugged, rugged and then rugged. And cold....when it first happened I thought...he'll be OK...he's a UK lad....it'll be like summer for him (unless he falls off a cliff)....as I said, it's really dangerous country. Had to wonder, if he ended up walking out 11 days later, why didn't he walk out sooner.
They're airing the story on Current Affair in Australia on Sunday night...I'll post a link for you.....but no doubt it will be syndicated to the UK once it airs......who knows....most of what today is about it seems, is having 15 minutes of fame....so anything's possible.
Why do the UK folk think it's a hoax?
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Why do the UK folk think it's a hoax?....They say he didnt look like anyone who spent 12 days in the bush..to clean..no blood shot eyes
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I see 992 people have watched this thread..why dont they post on it
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I don't think I saw a picture of him when they first caught up with him....only in hospital later and by then he would have been cleaned up....he was reacting really slowly like someone with hypothermia perhaps....I guess we'll have to wait and see...kind of strange that the first day or two after he was found he had an agent and an exclusive deal with Channel 9...that part makes me a bit sus......most people would say, go away, I need food, sleep, heat, recovery I guess.
mmmhhh...just taking a look at the thread on the UK RT to catch up on what everyone's saying.
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Am away back to uk for breakfast
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I see 992 people have watched this thread..why dont they post on it
Shy perhaps? or.....
:lurk:
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Good to see you on UK thread...........why didnt he walk out sooner..he couldnt he was lost..ha..ha
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Hi to fluffy when she turns up
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Hi to countessa when she turns up..hope your better..we have 1,000 watchers is that a snipe
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Hi Tommy....Pixie has no idea about the area he was lost...it's not a forest mate, it's rugged country, sheer cliff faces, deep valleys and really really thick bushland.....even rescuers find it a challenge, because they can't airlift anyone out of there....too many trees...lol.
Still stranger things have happened.....We had two miners trapped underground for nearly two weeks and they walked out...just barely...lol, but they were being fed and given fluids...so it is a tad sus when you know the area he was lost in....if it isn't a con...then he's bloody lucky.
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Hi to Tommy ;D
Mmmm lots of lurkers eh? :parachute: :hearnoevil: :lurk:
Countess, sorry to hear you are so sick so stay away from me I hope you feel better soon. :tissue:
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What are you implying Fluffee????....mmmhhh????
:pigsfly:
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Hi there Cupie :-*
I'm implying Tommies thread is ultra popular of course.
Hey Tommy new pic!! Keeps us girls on our toes!!
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Well of course it's popular...also friendly...lol
It must be the excellent host..... :t2:
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Hello, Tommy, master of charm.
Yes, your thread has attracted a lot of people reading it, and that's terrific. If they prefer to lurk, at least they're reading something nice.
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Oh well, it's almost morning in the UK, so we should expect a cheerio from Tommy shortly...I invited Suzie Q over here last night too...hope she drops in to say g'day.
Morning Tommy....just getting in early
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Hi there Cupie :-*
I'm implying Tommies thread is ultra popular of course.
Hey Tommy new pic!! Keeps us girls on our toes!!
:drama:
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We still love you Tello. It's just that you've got competition now.
:-* :roflmao:
Top of the morning to you Tommy. Look how popular your thread is. Tello is throwing a tantie. he he
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Is this a major case of Thread Envy? Quickly, paramedics... :ambulance:
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Hi Countess, how are you feeling?
I'm starting to get worried about you, you've been sick for so long.
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Tello.....
:roughend:
this thread doesn't have teeth..... ;D
It's friendly..... :dance: :grouphug:
no need to hide :chair:
and always a hot cup of :coffeecup: & :chocdip: and a warm :welcome: at the ready
Your shout Tommy...lol
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Is this a major case of Thread Envy?
Not a trick question......
No.
Ask Arnold!
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/the5dc67896d.jpg)
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Fluffy, at last I'm feeling better! I was able to eat yesterday without feeling that horrible nausea and the chill numb bands around my forehead. It was an unpleasant little virus with attitude... but my antibodies beat the stuffing out of it - finally.
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8am here..countessa glad to here you beat the bug..hi cupie..hi to all the watchers, why dont you join in, we dont bite..are most Aussies shy
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Hi Tommy...how be ye??
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Hi cupie ..everything ok ..its 18* and sunny here..on the news 6months baby died of swine flu..I thought i posted that on here at 7am your time
-
Tommy !!! ;D
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Hi lady fluffy.. time to go ..back in a minute
-
This whole swine 'flu thing is a problem. The mortality rate so far appears to be one death per thousand infected. That may not be a stable number.
General warning: don't get cuddly with people who a) have a sore throat, and b) work with pigs.
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Hi Tommy...yes it's worrying.....a friend of mine has a grand daughter with a tracheotomy from a birth defect...she's just gotten through a really rough patch last year with mysterious illness, ICU for a month etc...and now the poor tike has this bloody swine flu....like she hasn't got enough on her plate.
She's in Sydney in the Children's hospital in ICU presently...my friend is not unexpectedly, beside herself....poor darlin. *Shakes head* so sad....I'm hoping she pulls through......but she is a little Aussie Battler so hopefully she'll get thru it.
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G'day Tommy!
Tello here.
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/RonGargoil_1.jpg)
Checkout my website!
Cheers!
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I hope everyone in countessa ..got their chicken..Hello tellomon good to see you..
-
This is a photo of me on ST Patricks day...hope lynn see,s it..does you,s like me hat
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Very nice Tommy. Are you from Dublin?
-
That is a HAT! If you ever use it for busking, it's got that nice enticing depth that indicates you'd be wanting lots of money.
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Its now 9.30pm in uk which makes it 6.30am in OZ..Hi fluffy I live in the North in Larne...not far from Belfast.
-
Hi Tommy.....purposely slept in today....Sunday morning here in Oz...love the hat.....Does Lynnie have one like that too?...lol.
-
That is a HAT! If you ever use it for busking, it's got that nice enticing depth that indicates you'd be wanting lots of money.
I'd like mine in U.S. Dollars, please..........
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/06-01-06_1431b.jpg)
C):-{= <" yer really pushin it tello..... "<<
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Hi cupie & tellomon..its 9.50am had a lie in..what about me Guinness t shirt.. nothing new at the moment..
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G'day Tommy :)
Are you sure you are 70?
That last pic of you looks very much like the last guy I dated.....and he wasn't even 50!
-
Morning Tommy......Guinness?...I put that in Irish Stew...don't think I could drink it though.....
Remember those Guinness adds...
"I Like to Watch"
and
"Don't worry, it's only a nightmare"
Loved those adds...lol
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Ho Tommy!! Your thread is up to 1176 views and rising fast.
Notice that Tello? he he
-
Notice that Tello? he he
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/c-00275_tn.jpg)
-
1187 now Tello as we speak.
:tissue: :deadhorse:
-
Yawn.
-
Snipe ..200
-
its now 11pm in UK and 8am in OZ...so good morning everyone..hope you have a nice day
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Hello Tommy you sneaky snipester!!! (Actually we were saving that just for you, no really)
Hope you have a good sleep Tommy.
-
Hi..nice and sunny here Lady fluffy ..its 9am here and 6pm there..hope you understand the time differance and im away to the goodmorning thread
-
Good morning to you Tommy & good evening to everyone else.
(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/0002028D.gif)
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Hi Ubb....Morning Tommy....It's been beautiful in NSW for days now...something must be wrong...lol.....global warming. na....just spring about to spring early with any luck...the Jasmine growing up to my balcony is starting to bud, so that's usually a good sign of an early spring......I actually got to wear a t-shirt today...wow.
-
G'day Cupie. I have discovered that I have one of those pig sty things in my left bottom eyelid. I've never had one before so I'm interested to see what happens.
-
Hi ubbrd... cupie will you stay in on place..i am here
-
If you go to UK ..rt.. you can read the thread about the backpacker..am away back to uk ..see you
-
Hi ubbrd... cupie will you stay in on place..i am here
OK Tommy...keep ya shirt on ..lol...I'll go over and have a look
Hey Ubb...that sty is going to get really itchy....you can get an ointment from the chemist to put on it and it will bring down the swelling and take the itch out..trust me...lol.
Is that what they mean by the term....In a pigs eye?
-
Thanks Cupie. I'll do that. What do I ask for, oinkment?
I don't know about a "pigs eye" but it would certainly suit.
(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/00020281.gif)
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What's all the buzz about this thread?
I don't get it.
Who's tommy? What's he sellin'?
And how does he get all the girls?
I don't see this as being 'competition' and not Board Envy (tee-hee).
More like a Confunction at the Junction.
Movies anyone?
-
G'day Cupie. I have discovered that I have one of those pig sty things in my left bottom eyelid. I've never had one before so I'm interested to see what happens.
Hope you don't get swine flu Ubbrd.
-
Narh Fluffy, I haven't started grunting, yet.
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Hello, Tommy!
Tello, Tommy was one of the fantastic people on the UK eBay forum who welcomed us when we fled, gibbering with distress and outrage, from the ruins of the AU eBay forums. (All right, I suppose we weren't actually gibbering.) He's Irish (which means bucketloads of charm, of course), truly nice (which also means bucketloads of charm), and he's got... bucketloads of charm!
-
OK. And I'm chopped liver.
How do you like me now?
How about Photobucket-loads of charm?
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/tello1.jpg)
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/IMG_0062.jpg)
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/IMG_0566.jpg)
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Tello even this dude pulls the chicks better than you!..
(http://daily.greencine.com/creatureblkl370.jpg)
-
How would you know?
Ya got a Clam Cam shoved in me house?
I thot not.
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/IMG_0566.jpg)
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Right... let's think this through.
Tello is American, but it's all right; he still has bucketloads of charm. (I love my American friends, I honestly do!) He's crazy, so he has a very weird bucketloads of charm thing going on. He's like no one else, hence the buckletoads of charm due to his uniqueness. Will that do?
But Tello... you still have to post on the eBay UK forums in order to maintain those charm levels...
-
Right... let's think this through.
Tello is American, but it's all right; he still has bucketloads of charm. (I love my American friends, I honestly do!) He's crazy, so he has a very weird bucketloads of charm thing going on. He's like no one else, hence the buckletoads of charm due to his uniqueness. Will that do?
But Tello... you still have to post on the eBay UK forums in order to maintain those charm levels...
But Tessa he's .....(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/image.jpg) on ebay forums world wide...
-
Yes, that poses a problem, doesn't it?
How can we save Tello's charm?
-
But Tello... you still have to post on the eBay UK forums in order to maintain those charm levels...
O RLY?
That Life Banishment is World-Wide!!!!!
I can't get on here, there or even on ebay.el monte.
I really pissed 'em off.
Fuggem!
-
Yes, that poses a problem, doesn't it?
How can we save Tello's charm?
SEND CHOCCY!!!!!!
Gina did, And it was good!
Send to: Ron Tello Montello, Nevada 89830 USA
-
Now you've gone too far. Demanding chocolate? CHOCOLATE? The very source of life?
I'll send you the empty box of Belgian chocolates; the lingering aroma of the chocolate will have to do to sustain you.
-
What has happened?
I can't find the UK thread...
-
What has happened?
I can't find the UK thread...
See?
There's Zombies in the UK too!
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/Zombies%20Horror/shaun_big.jpg)
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Now you've gone too far. Demanding chocolate? CHOCOLATE? The very source of life?
I'll send you the empty box of Belgian chocolates; the lingering aroma of the chocolate will have to do to sustain you.
Nothing doin'.
I'll be emailing Gina about this!!!!
Have another Zombie:
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/Zombies%20Horror/Zombies-20.jpg)
-
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/98d1158920230-kindergartens-oerliko.gif)
-
Its 7.30pm in the UK... they have taken of the Aussie thread..cant find it anywere..
-
Say again tommy?
-
To all you nice people this is the thread i started today on UK Round Table ***** What happened to the AUSSIE REFRUGEES Thread *****
-
Hello Tommy!!!
oh
and Hello to Tello!!!
No favourites here.
-
Tommy, the OP apparently decided to self-report it. From what I've been told, the OP started posting a countdown, and seemingly some other members egged it on, and then pfffft - the thread was gone.
There were some classic posts on that thread; I can't understand the motive behind the self-reporting. Never mind; we have replacement threads happening. Those UK members are a gorgeous bunch, even Sir Arthur who determinedly uses the word "convict". (I think he loves us, really. Can you see it? The little twinkle in the eye, the surreptitious handing out of chocolates and so on?)
-
I can't remember who the OP was that started that thread..
Anybody know ???
:wine:
-
Your right Countessa ..beffy was doing a count down ..6 hours..4 hours ..2 hours..1 hour..i thought it was the moon landing.. but it was taking the thread of RT...it had 11600..posts on it.. well im not taking this one down..unless you,es want me to..12.10am.. am away to bed
-
Hey Tommy Hi Countess.....can one of you put a link to the new thread in this thread?.
I have been using the link countess posted on this thread to visit the UK cause it's more like jet speed, vs a slow cruise...lol
I have dial up...lol....takes long than you think.
-
Here you go Cupie, take your pick! ;D
http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1100254966
http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1200304406
http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1100254959
http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1100255015
-
Wow wheels ask for a swell and get a tsunami....lol...thanks for that. I'll put one in my bookmarks.
-
Looks like I'll be putting the UK RT link in the bookmarks instead....quite a read eh?.....
-
Morning all its 9am in uk .. lynn has a thread you can use its.....And The Weather today Is..... Marlee is her buyers name..she said you are welcome to use it
-
Barny..Beefy started the thread...... Hello to Barny and to Wheels and all the old hands
-
Barny..Beefy started the thread...... Hello to Barny and to Wheels and all the old hands
"old hands"...it's the mileage Tommy not the age...LOLOLOL
-
Old hands anyone over 99years old..nice people anyone under 99..its the Irish charm you know.... will someone post on the Weather thread in UK ..rt
-
Hello Tommy, I'll try and pop in and say hello. :t2:
-
Ok wheels hope to see you on UK ..RT
-
Hey-up all...have just sent a message to Contessa to see if she wishes to start a new thread on RT UK.
Depending on her reply, hopefully there will be a new thread for you all shortly.
Sure we would hate to lose touch after meeting up and having fun?
(going to TRY to put a smiley on now)
:goodidea: :goodidea:
Bloomin 'eck...didn't know there would be so many smileys!
-
Hi Lynn...the emoticons around her are like gremlins.....can't get em wet they breed.....Thanks for going to so much trouble Lynn....we also expect to see some of you visit us over here too.....we'll call it the UK/OZ exchange program...beautiful day here....spring temperatures...no jumper for a change....wow...Spring is almost here...but then you wouldn't know about the cold now would you Lynn?. Must be like our summer up where you are.
-
Hiya Cupie...good to talk to you again (gotta be brief coz just saw "Man Friday" walking down the road.
Weather in Cairns today:-
Wednesday 22 July
Clearing shower
Low 20 °C High 28 °C
(dunno about that clearing shower...not seen a drop of water).
Until later...Cheers xxxx
-
Hi, Lynn - I have started it with a slightly different title. (Okay, very different title - something about the golden sands of Australia.)
The link is here - Exhausted after padding all the way from the golden sands of Australia... (http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1100254966&tstart=0&mod=1248228186024)
-
Hi its 7am in UK & 4pm in OZ..hope everyone is ok today..50 dead with swine flu
-
Hi Tommy 37 dead in Australia.... there's a lot to be said for being anti social at the moment.
-
There's a lot to be said for not associating with pigs.
-
And you have to keep away from birds.. what happened to bird flu..did the pigs eat the birds
-
Just seen my last post was a snipe..252.. am away to UK
-
G'day Tommy. ;D
Bird flu, Pig flu..... what next....
Horse flu? (Sorry Brumby)
-
Horse flu was around not that long ago Fluffy....I'm keeping my fingers crossed that there isn't a Mouse Flu around the corner.
My days would be numbered! :'(
-
i thuink the next epidemic of flue should be dolphin flu.
That might get dolphins back to the status that they were before someone went all out to make them what they are now :evil:
-
Its 8am goodmornin to you all
-
Morning tommy
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/Sam_and_Ralph_clock-765210.png)
-
Evening all.
(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/000200D5.gif)
-
Oh, & good morning Tommy
(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/000200D6.gif)
-
Yo Tommy !!... { Ubbrd..had to toss out mi tartare sauce thanks to you! }
-
Hi Yibida and Ubbrd good to see you its 5.45pm in uk...and there is 100,000 cases of Swine Flu in UK..31 dead... its spreading very fast
-
:( I'm glad I dont go anywhere where are a lot of people gathering.
i want to stick around for some more years at least :)
-
The figure for England is double the total of the previous week.
Some 840 people are described as being "seriously ill" in hospital with the illness - and 63 people are being treated in intensive care.
The death toll in the UK stands at 31, but that is likely to climb when the Department of Health releases its weekly update online later.
The shocking new figures come as the National Pandemic Flu Service opened across England, allowing people who think they have the H1N1 virus to bypass the NHS to obtain antiviral drugs.
The new phone hotline and website service use a checklist to diagnose cases and has been designed to relieve the pressure on the health service.
Swine Flu: Health Q & A
What is it? Could I catch it?
Your questions answered.
Visitors to the Government website are asked fill in a detailed questionnaire before being given a positive or negative swine flu diagnosis.
Call centre staff manning the telephone hotline - 0800 1513 100 - will use the same algorithm. They are expecting to field up to 200,000 queries a day.
If a caller is confirmed to have swine flu they will be given an authorisation number, which their designated "flu friend" can use to pick up antiviral drugs from the local collection point.
Over 2,000 staff have been recruited and given six-hour long training sessions before they start work. They are not required to have any previous medical experience.
Some critics claim the "worried well" will abuse the DIY diagnosis to apply for medication unnecessarily.
Others fear swine flu symptoms could mask other serious illnesses, like meningitis.
Seventeen-year-old Gemma Drury, from Chesterfield, was diagnosed with the H1N1 virus by two separate doctors.
She was in fact suffering from meningitis and is now recovering in hospital.
Her father Kevin told Sky News: "If two doctors could get it wrong with Gemma, what hope would someone on the end of the phone with no medical training have?
"It's not the right way to make a diagnosis."
The Department of Health insists the service is simply a way for people to get access to Tamiflu and other antiviral drugs quickly.
Anyone displaying unusual symptoms will still be advised to contact a medical professional.
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MORE ON THIS STORY: Swine Flu
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Comments to the story
This was all I needed, I've just spent four long years getting over SARS and now I catch this.
Typical.
Posted By :Mr. Unlucky Report This
People of my generation remember the Asian Flu epidemic.
The government of the time raised a campaign of awarenes with the slogan "coughs and sneeezes spread diseases - trap your germs in a handkerchief"
We should do the same again but with an one the spot fine for anyone sneezing in a public place without using a handkerchief. This would dramatically cut down the spread of the infection.
Posted By :terry colman Report This
I'd make a valid comment if I could but I think I've got swine flu so I'm off to get some drugs.
Posted By :TC Report This
Read more comments (Page Expands)
People like you, Andrew, are as bad as the tabloids and press in scare-mongering this.
Jesus. Most of us probably won't get it. I've never even had normal flu, and I don't see myself catching swine flu... unless the filthy vermin who catch my train to work carry on breathing all over me.
Posted By :Matthew McConaghy Report This
Interesting to see that shortly after the government launched it's 'Pandemic Flu Service', I logged on to get advice. Only to be told that the website was 'very busy' and to return at a later time.
That is just typical of our government. As always they have not allowed for such interest and anticipated that the website would be subject to such demand.
We should rename it the ' Pandamonium Flu Service'.
Posted By :John Bretherton Report This
All the people complaining about not getting a proper diagnosis should have a think about why it is being done this way!
If someone with Swine Flu walks into a doctors, usully full of pensioners, and it spreads, someone will die, if the doctor does a home visit, then carries the virus back to the doctors same problem.
I think it makes good sense to do it this way, if you haven't got swine flu and just normal flu, the tamiflu will only help!
Mexico should have been isolated as soon as it was caught, it could have been over and done with in two weeks! Now it will be atleast a year.
Posted By :a s Report This
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Hi poddy am away back to uk its 6.45pm in uk
-
*setting watch to UK time*
Hello, Tommy!
-
Good morning Contessa and Tommy,
-
Countessa UHM.
-
Thank you, Riff - checking involved.
-
<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action=view¤t=6April-DameEdna.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6April-DameEdna.gif" border="0" alt="Hello Possums">[/url]
Hello Possums!
Loves yer hat Tommy xxxx
Hi to ye all...can't stay long...gotta do stuff.
Catch up with ye later xxxx
:kisshug:
-
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/edna.jpg)I think ya piccy when poof possum....here have this one
-
*waves hello to Lynn*
Lovely to see you drop in. You'll need to stay longer next time so that the kettle has time to boil!
-
Hi Lynn whenever you want to post a pic....use the direct link on PB....and just below the italics symbol when you're posting is a small framed box...click on that and paste the direct link between the img bits in between the brackets
-
Afternoon Cupie, Tommy, Lynn, Countessa. ;D
And should Yib be lurking around and hiding in the curtains, - no I have NOT just gotten up!! Was up quite (well kinda) early and even been out.
-
HI fluffee....I guess Lynn was doing the speed visit...like speed dating but even faster.
-
Goodmorning all you nice people..its8.30am in uk..
-
Hi Tommy...I see the UK thread is getting some action...lol.
-
Hi Lynn whenever you want to post a pic....use the direct link on PB....and just below the italics symbol when you're posting is a small framed box...click on that and paste the direct link between the img bits in between the brackets
(copies Cupie's instructions to see if I can do it)
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/8July-monkey.gif)
Hope that worked!
I'm always doing stuff at 100 mph...not on speed, just normal for me.
Should try to follow me around the supermarket!
Have me shopping list written out according to aisles in Woolies...grab a trolley, then make a run for it...chuck stuff in from the left, chuck stuff in from the right...knock a few people over (they shouldn't be in me way)...and I'm at checkout before ye can say:
"Bob's yer Uncle". (never did have an uncle called Bob)
-
Hi Tommy, TGIF afternoon here!
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr342/wheels2spin/thsmiley_boredatwork.gif)
-
Hi Lynn,
or you can just copy and paste the IMG link directly from Photobucket without using the forum menu ;D
-
Hiya Wheels...I live in Cairns, and tis almost time to lock meself in for the night.
Glad me piccy turned out up there (ta Cupie).
-
Sounds like tourist season in our local supermarket.....zoom.....I see my instructions worked? Luvs the gif...consider it lifted...hehehehe....
.....you don't think I missed this did ya?.....Yibida is our resident gif wobber.....watch out...they crop up everywhere when you least expect it.
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/Dame_Edna.gif)
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Sounds like tourist season in our local supermarket
Why is it called tourist season, when I'm not allowed to shoot the suckers ??
:wine:
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SNAP! Wheels...our paths just crossed!
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LMAO...I'd like to see that barney, but I don't think they let us shoot the tourists...maybe in Montello though????.......can my pet monkey join in? I call him chopper chimp. Hit monkey....hehehe
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/untitledx-1.jpg)
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Ye nicked me "Ms Moonee Ponds" ???
*runs around lookin for some gladdies to pick*
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I thought you nicked it from me...with the the apostrophe infraction for Sir Arfur.......Here have this one....You know Sir Les...he's minister for the Yarts.......you can see why...look at how well waxed those legs are eh?
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/patterson-2.jpg)
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Booger! Got lost in PB, and me browser had a "hissy fit".
Anyway, time for me to have me supper, then watch Friday Night Footy.
Until tomorra...think about this:-
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6Feb-UpsideDown.jpg)
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See ya tomorrow lynn :welcomedesk:
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All Points Bulletin
Apostrophes on the loose; armed and dangerous. If seen, do not apprehend - repeat, do not apprehend. Suspects are considered extremely dangerous. Call for backup and wait for the Colon-el to arrive...
I know. That was ... bad.
-
Just called in for a 10 minute tea break 1.45 pm here in uk
-
*Waves to Tommy*
Did ya have a biccie with your cup of tea Tommy?
-
160 Children in quarantine who had not sought help from the Foreign Office.
It comes as experts said children under the age of 14 have become 'super-spreaders' of the virus, leaving England battling a raging epidemic.
Prepared: Masked Italian students arrive at Stansted as news breaks that swine flu cases in England doubles in a week to 100,000
The number of swine flu cases has doubled in a week to 100,000 with most of the new cases among children below 14 years old, according to officials.
A third of those who have died from the virus have been under 15 and 20 per cent of those who have ended up in hospital were under the age of five.
The NHS is now planning for up to 65,000 deaths from swine flu, with 30 per cent of the population - and 50 per cent of children - catching the infection.
Meanwhile, a British family on holiday in Bodrum, Turkey, have been put in quarantine in hospital after a six-year-old boy was diagnosed with the virus.
The child, who has not been named, was spotted after thermal cameras showed he was extraordinarily hot and tests later found he had swine flu.
Head doctor at the 75th State Hospital Dr Levent Ozbek said: 'After further investigations and treatment, the family will be our guests in the hospital where all necessary treatment is given to the patients.'
The Health Protection Agency yesterday said for the first time that the disease was probably at epidemic levels - or one in 500 people reporting flu-like illness.
It makes it the most virulent flu outbreak since the winter of 1999/2000, when 21,000 lost their lives.
Officials have also warned that a third of those who have died so far had no serious underlying health problems.
Such is the level of concern that the new National Flu Pandemic Service website crashed within minutes of going live after receiving 2,600 hits a second, or 9.3million an hour.
The dramatic news emerged as:
Universities warned campuses may have to close in the autumn if the epidemic gets worse;
GPs started to cancel summer holidays to deal with extra cases and call in temporary staff to cover for sick colleagues;
Small businesses appealed for extra help over fears they would be driven to the wall through absences and swine flu sickies.
Alarm: Workers at one of the 19 National Pandemic Flu Service call centres answer calls from people concerned about swine flu
-
It's terrifying - something that started out looking like a media exaggeration is shaping up to be utterly horrific.
Anyone who's got 'flu-like symptoms, please take it seriously.
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Hiya Folks...Tommy is on his way as I type.
Bit busy on the UK board at the mo, but rush hour should be over shortly.
Hope ye all had a great Saturday (I did)...nice & wintry in Cairns today, so I fertilised me garden.
Saturday 25 July
Weather should be fine today.
Possibly a few clouds in the morning.
The Great Barrier Reef is calling!
Low 17 °C High 27 °C
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/woohoo.gif)
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Goodmorning its 8.30am in uk...and Ireland is havein a nice sunny day
-
Hi Lynn your spaceship got here before me..ha..ha
-
Am trying the change colour
-
Well that didnt work
-
SNIPE 300
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Keep that up Tommy and you're gonna take the snipe record from Lynnie......Sorry I'm late...got distracted by this UK thread that everyone's posting on...lol.....Morning Tommy...evening Lynn
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/20070401.jpg)
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Er.. Tommy ??
Did you change it to black ?/
:wine:
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I think Tommy is suffering from early morning Jet lag between Ireland and Oz...long way ya know....back and forward, back and forward...lol
-
Im kneckered..all this jumpin like a kangeroo..To OZ and Uk
-
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/kangourous-11.gif) (http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/kangourous-11.gif) (http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/kangourous-11.gif)
Watch Lynn freak out....We're having Gif War tonight....hehehe...nothing is sacred, no gif is safe..!!!
-
Am away back ..cupie..have to take Irene shoppin ..see you later..10am in uk now
-
OK Tommy, I'll catcha anon....
-
A gif war? YAY!!! orright!!! here's one for ye to think about coz I'm heading for bed now.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/nun.gif)
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/nun.gif)
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Holy cow....lol...I do luv that one.....swiped.....>>>>>>>>>>>>>>exit stage right carrying the dancing nun in me duffle bag>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Night lynn....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/ANIM-TWEETY.gif)
-
Hi, Tommy - to change the colour of your text, you can either:
- click onto the change colour control here, move your cursor so that it's BETWEEN the code, and then type your text, or
- type your text first, then select it and click onto the change colour control.
This is how it looks (I've added spaces before and after the square brackets, to show you how it looks):
[ color=red ]Here's where you put your text[ /color ]
-
TESTING:
OOOOOHH....Now I'm blue
And Red
And Pink
Now purple
I've got the words in between the brackets but it ain't workin...you try...
-
Nup...that didn't work
-
It worked... As long as you make absolutely certain the code surrounds your text, there should be no problem.
-
Now I am testing this little game out
-
Sorry for hijacking your thread Tommy
Hope Ireland is well.....
Westie
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Gif war? Here's one that went down in flames:
http://forums.ebay.ca/topic/Maple-Leaf-Pub/Hello-All-The/500034949?messageID=500693932� (http://forums.ebay.ca/topic/Maple-Leaf-Pub/Hello-All-The/500034949?messageID=500693932�)
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(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Boo.gif)
Good Morning all xxxx
Just in to say a quick "hello"...gotta clear out me A-Z receipt files (2 years worth) today.
Don't have a shredder, so have to manually rip 'em up & chuck in a large garbag.
Gonna put some "rootin, tootin," music on to make me go faster.
Catch up with ye later today xxxx
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Hey Lynn...sounds like gangs of fun...not...lol
I haven't got PB open this morning...so...no free gifs for you...but keep em coming.....variety is the spice of life.
Runs off with another gif.....hehehe exit stage left <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
-
GIF WARS: The Return of the JPeg
GIF WARS: The Bitmap Strikes Back
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Hi 4am here and raining very heavy
-
Wow, that's early for you Tommy....morning then....
-
Hi 4am here and raining very heavy
Hi Tommy, the only time I get up at 4 am is the have a twinkle...LOLOL
-
Maybe he's got a tin roof yib....and the rain woke him up?...lol...Do they have colourbond in Ireland? lol?
twinkle twinkle little martian...woops...got carried away with meself...
-
Hey Guys, whadda-ya think?
The Loopy one......
Fabulous Babe?
Or Librarian?
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/girls_girls_girls.jpg)
My money's on BOTH!!!!
(A caddish comment from the VIP Peanut Gallery. Unpolished with slight return in the key of E.)
-
Hey Guys, whadda-ya think?
The Loopy one......
Fabulous Babe?
Or Librarian?
My money's on BOTH!!!!
(A caddish comment from the VIP Peanut Gallery. Unpolished with slight return in the key of E.)
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/nun.gif)...OR...(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/woohoo.gif)
-
Only her Hairdresser knows for sure.
-
That's why nuns always travel in pairs
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/nun.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/nun.gif)
One nun's there to make sure the other nun don't get none !!! AND VICE VERSA.
-
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/journal.jpg)
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Huh! Librarian?...no way...I were a bookkeeper...so there!
*flounces outta thread*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/26Jan-Floucesoff.gif)
betcha Cue nicks that one too!
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Who knows Lynn...you could start a flouncing craze
I remember that little gem from the UK RT.....couldn't quite remember who was flouncing around though.....now I remember...consider it heisted.....just in case I feel like flouncing in and out of any given thread...lol
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No matter how many I pinch Lynn...I'll never catch up with you darlin.....My PB Acct already takes two days to open...lol....haven't even started on Tello or Yibida's gifs yet.....be afwaid....be vewy afwaid.....in the mean time....run for ya lives
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/tweetysylvesteranime.gif)
I taught I taw a puddy tat......I did, I did taw a puddy tat.....!!!
-
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/StPatsDayN.gif)
That's me fave for Tommy the mad Irishman....hehehehehe
-
. hi im back again..its 8.45.am here.. and yes i did go to the toilet at 4am
-
I know what you need lynn..
-
Morning Tommy...so you've resurfaced have ye?
A rare second appearance....twice....to be sure, to be sure..
-
Careful Tommy....
The last time I woke at 4 in the morning to have a twinkle...
I went into labour and gave birth to a bouncing baby girl 8 hours later! :roflmao:
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I know what you need lynn....betcha ye don't!
If it's anything to do with men and procreating, forget it pal!
After 2 1/2 husbands (yep, that's right)...joined a new cult called "Born-again Virgins", and I'm now leader-of-the-pack.
Even got me lil dawg enrolled.
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Hi Roo ..Im to old for that and im a fella :applause: :yess: :yess: :yess:
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Hiya Roo...strange things happen in the middle of the night eh?
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Evening all. Sheesh, you lot talk a lot in two days! Just popped in for a quick visit and haven't got time to catch up now.
Lynn, how's the weather up in the Sunshine State today? Lovely sunshiney day today in Victoria, but icy cold.
Morning Tommy :D
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr342/wheels2spin/bike_2.gif)
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Hellllo to Lynnn!!!![
:quack: :neener:
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Hi fluffy and wheels ...another snipe.. 343
-
A jolly good morning to Tommy :-*
A jolly good evening to Wheelie. :-*
-
See you am away back to uk
-
Goodnight everybody xxxx
Catch up with ye tomorra.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/zzzzzsmiley.gif)
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...and now tis tomorra...YAY!!!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/1Feb-HAPPY.gif)
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Hi Lynn....tommy should be around soon...I can hear the jug boiling....
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Hi cupie 8.25am here..Hi lynn..light rain.. :t2: :t2:
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am away back to uk..will be on the Aussie thread
-
How do Tommy?
Hey Cupie...was just tellin CuePerkins on Contessa's Oz thread that I got you 2 mixed up.
Sorry about that...must concentrate water me plonk down eh?
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/15Mar-baglady.gif)
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Its 7.30pm in uk .....A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He knew he was not speeding. But just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Again, the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
-
Its 8.00pm in uk.. Just watched Irish Tv..We had the MILLION DOLLAR question on......
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
This is for all you nice people..
-
A man and his mother in law were on holiday in Jerusalem..when there the mother-in-law passes away. The priest says to the man, "for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried. The man replies, "oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life".
-
Tommy,
Thanks sooo much for the laugh............now you owe me a pair of jocks..........I laughed so hard i kaked my shorts.
-
Why did the zombie go to hospital?
He wanted to learn a few sick jokes.
How do you know a zombie is tired?
He's dead on his feet.
What do little zombies play?
Corpses and Robbers.
What did the zombie get a medal for?
Deadication.
What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
It's a dead-letter day.
Where do zombies go for cruises?
The Deaditerranean Sea.
What did the zombie's friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?
What do you call a zombie in a belfry?
A dead ringer.
What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist.
http://www.barhah.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=740 (http://www.barhah.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=740)
We all know what zombies like. The like braaaains. But that's just in general. Zombies come from all walks of after-life.
What do zombie laundresses worry about? Staaaaains.
How do zombies get to work? Traaaaaains.
What does the zombie doctor cure? Paaains.
What do zombie poets write? Quatraaaains.
And the zombie songwriter? Refraaains.
http://community.tasteofhome.com/forums/t/671953.aspx (http://community.tasteofhome.com/forums/t/671953.aspx)
# Q: Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
A: To eat the chicken's brain.
# Q: What has the head of a cat and the tail of a cat, but isn't a cat?
A: A zombie baby (eating a cat).
# Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because the zombie baby ate its head.
# Q: What's 18 inches long, pink, red and yellow and makes women scream all night?
A: A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet.
# Q: What's the difference between unloading a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of zombie babies?
A: The bowling balls don't try and bite off your fingers when you unload them.
# Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball can't eat it's weight in human brains.
# Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A nun being eaten by zombie babies.
# Q: What's red and gray and splashes?
A: A zombie baby playing in a puddle of brains.
# Q: How do you talk a zombie baby out of eating an elephant's brain?
A: You can't; they go in one ear and out the other.
# Q: What's cuter than a zombie baby?
A: A zombie baby with a bunny head in its mouth.
# Q: Whats funnier than a zombie baby?
A: A zombie baby in a clown suit.
# Q: What's red, and covered in ribbons?
A: Zombie baby playing in intestines.
# Q: What has 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 heads?
A: A zombie baby eating a human head.
# Q: What's white and red and wears rubber gloves?
A: A doctor being eaten alive by a zombie baby.
# Q: What is black and white and red and as hard as a rock?
A: A zombie baby beating a priest to death with a rock.
# Q: What's green, blue, red, and tastes funny?
A: A zombie baby eating a clown.
http://everything2.com/title/Zombie%2520Baby%2520Jokes (http://everything2.com/title/Zombie%2520Baby%2520Jokes)
-
Time for bed its 12am in uk
-
The Witching hour.
Tommy's not a pumpkin!
Good thing. This Forum doesn't need anymore Cucurbitas* around here.....
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cucurbita (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cucurbita)
-
Goodnight Tommy!!!
Helloooo Tello. Don't know what time of the day it is where you are. All I know is that the US is wayyyyy behind OZ time. he he.
-
All I know is that the US is wayyyyy behind OZ time. he he.
Aussie snob!
This is the sort of noise that starts wars.
C):-{= <" go to your room. clean it. and when yer done, work on that attitude, little lady.... "<<
-
Did I mention that it's Happy Hour in Montello?
It's true.
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/IMG_0905.jpg)
-
Did I mention that it's Happy Hour in Montello?
It's true.
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/IMG_0905.jpg)
So where's ma drink????
:wine: :filenails: :quack:
-
On the other thread.
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/download-15.jpg)
-
Tello, what time is it in the US right now? So we know when to expect the fall out of happy hour?....It's lunch time here for christ sake....give it another 30 mins so I can grab a quick counter lunch...... and I'll shout you a beer.
Fluffee duck for you fluff? or will ye be having a shandy luv?....
-
Fluffy duck if ya have one Cupie. I'll scull it when I finish cleaning my room. ;D
-
I'll scull it when I finish cleaning my room.
That's a Dearie!
C):-{= <" http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/condescending (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/condescending) "<<
Main Entry:
condescending
Function:
adjective
Date:
1660
: showing or characterized by condescension : patronizing
— con·de·scend·ing·ly Listen to the pronunciation of condescendingly \-?sen-di?-l?\ adverb
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/Zombies%20Horror/download-20.jpg)
-
Tello, what time is it in the US right now?
After Happy Hour.
7:57 PM at time of this posting. Monday. (I know I know. Cool it. You got Winter, remember? Ha Ha!)
-
Goodmorning..its 8.30 am in the UK..and its 5.30 pm there...im at my breakfast when your getting your tea
-
Hey up everybody...been drizzling in Cairns for 3 days...doing wonders for me garden.
Is also perfect weather for snuggling up with me little dawg on the sofa and watching dvds.
Gonna have me supper now, so will pop back in a bit later.
IMG]http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Image0476.gif[/IMG]
Tuesday 28 July
Possible overnight rain.
Weather will be fine during the day.
Head out to the clear tropical waters of the Great Barrier Reef.
Low 17 °C High 28 °C
-
Wot happened to me Coconut Tree?
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Image0476.gif)
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Hi ya Lyn its been awhile
-
Hiya Hawk (doesn't sound right calling ye a nightie).
Am currently in the kitchen cooking supper...seems to be taking me forever tonight!
Mebbe if me email thingy didn't keep beeping "New Mail" I'd finally get to eat!
Gonna have another go now...catch up with ye later darlin xxxx
-
Tuern down the sound and you wont know you have a new message to read ;D
Take care
-
ok! microwave has "pinged"...so off to eat me supper.
Catch up with ye all tomorra folks xxxx
(http://[IMG]http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/zzzzzsmiley.gif)[/img]
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G'day Loopy, Tommy and Hawkey!!! :-*
Tello, you've finally gone to sleep!!! Has happy hour finished or has happy hour finished you off? he he.
-
(http://i975.photobucket.com/albums/ae234/acaciame/hangover.jpg)
:evillaugh:
:hide:
-
Its 4.30pm here in the uk.......................................
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
-
Back to the good old days! It is estimated that by Christmas (if the current trend is to be believed), 20 million people will be affected by swine flu in the United Kingdom. The main distributor of the virus is almost definitely supermarkets all claim to give you something extra!
When most of the population of the UK uses a supermarket at least once a week, possibly more than 20 million people file past checkouts, and it would only take one person to sneeze, then and the virus would be passed on!
This situation is proving to be a death knell for these superstores as shoppers are reluctant to buy their groceries and run the risk of contagion. Even the 'buy one, get one free' offers can no longer tempt people because it could easily end in their death.
There is now a plethora of small shops opening up and selling more specific goods just like it was in the good old days. Bakers, who have always kneaded the dough, have used their loaves and opened up some small bakeries. Meanwhile, butchers were trying to save their bacon in old-fashioned market stalls even though the steaks might be high! Even greengrocers were very eager to show off their plums, melons, beans and cucumbers. In fact bells were ringing across all the old market towns in Britain - and these weren't just church bells they were also till bells.
One such trader, Granville Arkwright from Bolton, told In Seine News: "Since news broke of swine flu we have seen business go absolutely ballistic - now we are open all hours and have seen our profits go up by 200%. My poor Grandad is rushed off his feet. And at the rate things are going, we shall have to by a new doorbell and get a new till - it is just constant. It looks under the like the supermarket is dead and it's a case of for whom the Bell tills!"
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious...and I put in on here for a laugh yours Tommy
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Morning Tommy...wow are we keeping you up past your bedtime these days or what? LOL...keep this up and you'll be sure to take out the Last Word championship.
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Hi cupie its 12am in uk am away to bed.. see you at 8.30am uk time..which is 5.30pm oz time
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Hi im back ..its 8.30am here..Goodmorning everyone
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Morning Tommy....just about to go have a shower so I'll be back in a little while..don't go nowhere...lol
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*waits for Cupie to get outta shower*
*ah-ha*
*Gotcha*
[img(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/14Feb-Tarzan.jpg)][/img]
*runs to kitchen to hide*
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*must learn how to post gifs PROPERLY on here*
Tis Tucker Time at my place...BBL xxxx
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Hi Lynnie...out of shower, already half way through me home made Hamburger and Chips...
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it took an hour to get a shower..you must have a big body to wash..ha.ha
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Na Tommy...can't put weight on a thoroughbred....but I do like em long and hot...showers that is...hehehehe.
I had to cook the hamburger and chips after I had me shower, so needless to say ...it took a little while...but vewy Yummy.....can't wait till summer in oz...back to seafood, salads and fruit...
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Ok cupie .....A worman journalist was preparing to be flogged 40 times in Khartoum on Wednesday for wearing "indecent" clothes, with 10 women already whipped for similar offences against Islamic law. Skip related content
Related photos / videos Hussein writes for the left-wing Al-Sahafa newspaper and works for the media department …More Enlarge photo Lubna Ahmed al-Hussein, who writes for the left-wing Al-Sahafa newspaper and works for the media department of the United Nations Mission in Sudan, was arrested in Khartoum earlier this month after being caught wearing trousers.
"I received a telephone call from the authorities saying I must appear at 10 am (0700 GMT) on Wednesday in front of the judge," Hussein told AFP on Tuesday.
"It is important that people know what is happening," Hussein said in an invitation to journalists to attend her court appearance and flogging.
"They will lash me 40 times, and also fine me 250 Sudanese pounds (100 dollars)."
Hussein said she was at a restaurant on July 3 when police came in and ordered 13 women wearing trousers to follow them to the police station.
Ten of the women were summoned to a police station two days later and were lashed 10 times each, according to Hussein, who wears a hijab or Islamic headscarf.
The women whipped earlier this month included some from animist and Christian south Sudan where the Muslim north's Islamic or sharia law does not apply.
Police have also cracked down on another woman journalist, Amal Habbani, after she wrote an article condemning Hussein's treatment.
Habbani wrote an article for Ajrass Al-Horreya newspaper following the arrests entitled "Lubna, a case of subduing a woman's body."
"I am waiting for a decision," Habbani told AFP after she was charged with defaming police, a charge which can carry a fine of up to several hundred thousand dollars.
The Arabic Network for Human Rights Information said the charge against Habbani stemmed from her claim that Hussein's arrest was "not about fashion but a political tactic to intimidate and terrorise opponents."
Unlike many other Arab countries, particularly in the Gulf, women have a prominent place in Sudanese public life. Nevertheless, human rights organisations say some of Sudan's laws discriminate against women.
Will see you later cupie.......
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Heavy stuff Tommy....*glad I don't live there*
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/bye.gif) for now !!
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ok! My pc man has made his last phone call of the day (I hope) and left me with a mob of instructions to email to Nokia tomorra.
Am starv-a-rating...so am away to eat me supper.
Gotta luv ye & leave ye for now xxxx
But first...still trying to work this gif thingy:
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/14Feb-racistdog.jpg)
(WOT HAPPENS WHEN I TAKE ME LIL DAWG FOR A WALK)...oops! sorry...caps...norty!
Code fixed by Admin, your helpful neighbourly code-busters. Who ya going ta call?
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booger! LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/14Feb-racistdog.jpg)
And again - fixed by Code-Busters.
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! enuff for tonight!
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Its 5.30 pm in the uk......A young girl comes home from school
"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, It's because your blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because your blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, Its because you're 24."
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Its 7pm here in uk......
Three women worked at NASA. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all arguing about where they should go next.
The redhead said that they should go to Mars. The brunette said that they should go to the moon.
For a while they started to argue loudly. The blonde couldn't take it anymore.
She said, "Stop it! I know where we should go."
"Where?" they asked.
"We should go to the sun."
The other two started to laugh. "We would burn up before we even got there!"
The blonde replied, "Not if we go at night. Duh!"
«
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A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.
They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure," says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.
"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Amercia Presidents balls in my hand
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There was a blonde and a brunette at a bar watching the ten'o clock news, and there was a man at the edge of a cliff about to jump off.
The brunette said, "I bet you fifty dollars that he will jump."
The blonde said, "Ok".
They both put there money on the bar. The man jumped off, so the brunette took the money and said, "Do you know how I knew he was going to jump?"
The blonde said, "How".
The brunette said, "I saw the five'o clock news."
The blonde said, "So did I, I just didn't think he would jump again.".................. Hope this put a smile on your faces,, from Tommy.........
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THREE :evil: :evil: :evil:
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TWO :evil: :evil:
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ONE :evil:
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400 Snipe... :yess: :yess: :yess:
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Hello Tommy you snipester!!!
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Hi Fluff Hi Tommy...hey I just noticed that Tommy took that snipe out in the wee smalls when 'MOST' good Aussies (except Fluffy et al) are in bed asleep. too easy....we'll be ready fer ya next time Tommy me boy !!!
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Thanks to Mr/Ms Fixit for sortin me gifs...must study that bit!
*rushes in to try to beat old Tommy*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/FightingLeprechaun.jpg)
Just away to check me emails folks xxxx.....BBL
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Hi Lynn...tommy's running late today...we must be keeping him up too late...how is ya..slow day today....not much happening, have a sore tooth..hate dentists.
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Hi everyone..cupie go and get the tooth fixed ..its 8.50am here
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Speak of the Oirish devil......Hi Tommy....When I think of dentists.....this scene comes to mind.....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/marathon-man-olivier_l.jpg)
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What's the drill?
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I suffer pain to long then i go to dentist....Hi countessa
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Hiya Cue xxxx
Hiya Contessa xxxx
Hiya Tommy xxxx
*was terrified of dentists all me life, so about 10 years ago had most of them out, and new-fangled ones implanted*
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Now that sounds like a plan Lynn ...and countess....what's your point?
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Lynns like a jumping bean..I talk to her in uk and she is in oz
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Ok cupie and lynn am away back to uk
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Yep Cue...they're great...out at night and back in next morning.
*should scare the daylights outta any would-be rapist*.
Tommy...can't help meself...everything is 100 mph with me.
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LMAO at Lynn.
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I was just filling in time with a little transcen-dental meditation here, but I noticed you capped my comment...!
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Oh the Pain, the Pain !!!
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/lostinspace202.jpg)
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Tucker Time here folks, so gotta go.
Will pop in tomorra morning after I've answered me emails.
<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action=view¤t=zzzzzsmiley.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/zzzzzsmiley.gif" border="0" alt="zzzzzzzz">[/url]
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What is this all about?
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http://www.free-stuff.co.uk/Free_Screen_Cleaner.swf Free screen cleaner..its 11.30 pm in the uk and 8.30am in oz
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http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf
This is a new cursor for cupie... no one else click on to this link ..its private for cupies eyes only................................
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G'Day Tommy. ;D
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Hi fluffy... its 12.00am here time for bed... im going to bed and your getting up now at 9.00am.... goodnight
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This is a new cursor for cupie... no one else click on to this link ..its private for cupies eyes only................................
Yeah, right. There's no stopping anybody from peeking.
Man, I can play that melon all day!!!
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This is a new cursor for cupie... no one else click on to this link ..its private for cupies eyes only................................
:blush:......I think it's more Tello's style actually.....lmao. He could be amused by that for hours....wouldn't post again nup.......just gawk at the cursor and dribble....lol
Stay away from that link Boys...I warns ya......it's like a creeping boobiala....yikes.
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http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf
This is a new cursor for cupie... no one else click on to this link ..its private for cupies eyes only................................
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
I restrained myself from peeking as per Tommy's instructions. However after seeing Cupie's blushes, I had to look. lol
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Hi Fluffy...you just watch how many of the boys have to take a look...???...they're boys....still looking for that extra female chromosome (the missing bit.....hehehehe). It looks like a nipple possessed...lmao
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Morning all,
You made me look too ;D First reaction was to check over my shoulder to make sure nobody saw the screen, and I'm alone in the house! :pmsl:
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:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: @ wheels....don't think you'd be too good at voyeurism then....lol...wonder how many of the boys will admit to peaking? For extended periods of time...wonder how many are pressing on the bookmark this link function?...mmmhhhh?????.
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I haven't looked. *virtuous expression*
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New mouse required please.
Old one melted...
:wine:
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Anyone notice that Yib is not here?
Hmmm....I wonder what he's doing?
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Anyone notice that Yib is not here?
Hmmm....I wonder what he's doing?
I don't go international... I only eat home grown.
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Goodmorning everyone..I hope I put a smile on your faces...Its 7.15am in uk...
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Hi Tommy... ;D
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Hi cupie its 8.30 am
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Almost dinner time here Tommy...I'm doing the happy dance because we're finally getting a tarred road, and woppee...curb and guttering...how modern eh?
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If I came over for dinner Cupie, you'd have tarred and feathered. lol
Hi Tommy!!!
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/Boo.gif)
Where is everybody...having brekky or having dinner?
:rofl: - Yibida would enjoy that too much Fluff.
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Almost forgot......New Bus for Tello.....on the bus sunshine....hehehe....ooh...we could call it the Montello Booze Bus....Wonder if they have them in the US?...Definitely not in the desert, what do ya reckon? There's no booze buses in the Australian desert...the cops are all at the pub...lol
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/fvbus.gif)
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Hiya Gang xxxx
Just popping in to say Goodnight...been a busy week, and I'm ready to crash out and watch Friday night footy.
See ye all tomorra xxxx
<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action=view¤t=zzzzzsmiley.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/zzzzzsmiley.gif" border="0" alt="zzzzzzzz">[/url]
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OK Lynnie...we'll See ya later !!!
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/eyeflash.gif)
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Fishing In Australia.......
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/11.gif)
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/fishswim.gif)
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What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pick it up, pull out the pin, and throw it back.
.............................................................................its 7.00pm in uk
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Good morning, Tommy - have you seen the BBC series "The Irish RM"?
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Morning all. 11.31 here Tommy. ;D
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No countessa...its 9.00am here fluffy..hi cupie
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Hi Tommy....What's happenin?
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Not much cupie..rain .rain..and more rain...am away back to uk ..see you there..
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Hi Tommy....not much of a summer with all that rain.....I may not drop into the UK thread tonight....early start this morning, and I'm pretty tired, but I'm sure Countess and a few of the others will stop by during your morning, and our evening...Cheerio
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Hello Vegemites et al xxxx
Cupie...my footy team is about to start playing (AFL tonight)...last night was NRL, and my team won that one.
Just gotta wash up me supper dishes, and I'm away to join "Irish" dawg on the sofa for a coupla hours.
She hates footy coz I tend to yell a bit when sumthin excitin happens...gives me one of "those looks" then she goes back to sleep.
See ye tomorra folks xxxx
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Hello, Lynn, hello, Tommy - :chef: (I think it's dinner time.)
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Yep Dinnertime it is.....Just put some Chicken and Mushroom Vol au Vents in the oven....and risotto on the stove, being watched by hungry other half....Yum.
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It has just gone past 10.30pm here in Melbourne and I have not long ago come home from Church.
:angel:
Lil Roo celebrated her Confirmation tonight and was a great evening.
I'd love to show you a pic of her....but she's only a kid....so I'll show you a pic of her new boots she wore tonight instead! :green:
(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f15/redeyerats/Oztion042.jpg)
Hope that's not too big!
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Oh!...And I just gotta say....
GO PIES!
(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f15/redeyerats/Oztion042.jpg)
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Ooops! That should be....
GO PIES!
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e104/maddiemoo246/magpies.gif)
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Congratulations on her Confirmation! And those are extremely elegant-dangerous boots.
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Now let's not forget to post on the UK boards - I know it can be tiresome with the long loading time and the frequent page errors, but persistence achieves almost anything.
(At least the UKers still have the old design which, faulty as it is, is still many leagues ahead of the cumbersome and clumsy and awful design used for the AU forums. I make no apologies for my assessment of the AU design. It's atrocious.)
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Good Morning to me Oz mates xxxx
About to start me "Sunday Chores" on me lappy...takes about 90 mins, so will be lunchtime when I finish.
Keeps me pc happy (and "Man Friday", of course) and I know tis all cleaned up ready for the following week.
I usually read the Sunday paper while it's "doing its thing", so no time wasted.
See ye later today folks xxxx
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Morning Lynn......We were talking about Printed Newspapers the others day, and the debate on whether they will be phased out....LMAO...you can just imagine people on trains during the week, or on a sunny balcony, with their laptops and coffee rather than flipping through the Daily rag yes?.....nup....it's a veritable ritual.....so I don't think they're gonna get rid of printed newspapers in a hell of a hurry, until the older generation is gone.....the youngens seem to like having some form of technology in their face, or ear every second of the day, so it probably won't be a great loss for them.....
Found a newbie for ya Lynn.....Ya gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a handsome Prince !!
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/1068-003-05-1040.gif)
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Now let's not forget to post on the UK boards
I can't, remember? My terminal sanction is International.
(Sure wish I could, again. I did once...)
C):-{= <" face it tello...yer not good enuff for ebay... "<<
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All right, Tello - you tell us what you'd like to say, and possibly we can say it for you. It could be a special Tellocast.
And in the meantime, I'm being deliberately lazy today after a very stressful and upsetting week. I've got to investigate English politics a little more; some of the things I read on the UK forums take me by surprise.
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oooh! You are brave Contessa...I keep out of UK politics...hard to believe, but they sound worse than ours.
Me muvver always warned me:
"Never discuss Religion, Politics, or Sex".
Have managed to keep outta the first 2, but like to add me 2 bob's worth to the last one!
<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action=view¤t=14Feb-sexworker.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/14Feb-sexworker.jpg" border="0" alt="Sex Worker">[/url]
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awww...no gif again! TESTING.....
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/14Feb-sexworker.jpg)
or...if that didn't work.....
http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/14Feb-sexworker.jpg
EDIT: Fixed again by Code-Busters. Who ya goin' ta call?
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*stamps feet*
*shouts swear words*
*makes Valium sandwich*
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Whats up lynn ..did your football team lose..Hi everyone...its 9.30 am.in uk
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Lynn, I'll research English politics, but I'll try to be careful not to say too much!
Hello, Tommy, greetings to you... I've been watching that series I mentioned: The Irish R.M. Gorgeous character-full Ireland.
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All right, Tello - you tell us what you'd like to say, and possibly we can say it for you. It could be a special Tellocast.
Please don't bother. Show them to my lame website & be done with it.
The last thing I need is non-Drumming Limeys clogging up my Inbox...LOL.
(Unless I can replace Ringo Starr.....)
Can't I just hook-up with Loopy, run away together and live like desert rats???
That Valiant sandwich sounds appealing!
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ITS 7.40pm in the uk...just passing through..see you 8.30am
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its 11.30pm and im away to bed
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Night Tommy.....we're just starting the day shift....lol....sorry I haven't been over the UK thread...I get a tad sick of being trolled over there by the Ebay au misfits, so best not to feed the trolls.....let em starve I say....hehehehe
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Goodmorning cupie..its 8.00am in uk and we in Ireland are getting rain.rain..and rain
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Hi Tommy it's nearly dinner time here...and it's been a bonza beautiful day here....20 degrees...last month of winter.....Springs coming early...Lynn must be enjoying the same if not better weather at the moment.....They get a LOT of rain up where she lives...but it's tropical...makes ya feel like a Pina Colada ....lol
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Swine Flu call centre..
I don’t envy Rachel. Three weeks ago, she graduated with a First from one of Britain’s best universities. Now she finds herself working in one of the most unappealing jobs in the country – the late shift at the Swine Flu call centre (1pm to 11pm). I spoke to her yesterday evening, and asked what it was like manning the phones at Pandemic HQ. She’s a chatty girl:
“It’s ridiculous. In a five hour shift I answered the phone four times. Altogether there are about 400 of us in this newly organised centre - we’re all being paid £6 an hour, and we’re practically doing nothing. We sit around reading magazines, and every hour or so the phone rings and we get out the script. The lengthy disclaimer comes first, then it’s: “Do you need an ambulance?”, followed gradually by the tamer questions about coughs and headaches.
“But I kid you not, Will. I had a guy who rang up and said he’d been feeling ill, so had contacted the helpline in the morning and been prescribed Tamiflu. His Mum went to collect it. Meanwhile, he had a nap and afterwards felt much better, so he was ringing up to say he didn’t need the drug, and what should he do with it? Seriously! He had a peaky afternoon, so he ordered in the anti-virals.
“What terrifies me is that none of us in the centre has any medical training whatsoever. There’s a lot of bullshit in our handbook about us being specially selected, but actually I just filled in a form and was given the job the next day without an interview. Because of this, I’m obviously worried we’re giving out Tamiflu to people who don’t really need it. If there was a real Swine Flu pandemic, a lot of the people we speak to would be ****** – having already taken their dosage for a cold, they won’t be allowed it again. Another concern is that basically people convince themselves that Tamiflu is preventative…
“It strikes me that the government has set up this helpline as an insurance policy. But it’s wasting huge amounts of money. I’ve heard there are 1,500 of us all over the UK working almost non-stop. We’re giving out Tamiflu to people who are panicking because of what they’ve seen on the news, all basically so the NHS can say it’s doing its very best. I don’t blame pregnant women, the elderly, parents of young children – of course, they are genuinely terrified of a pandemic. But the other day a guy rang up complaining about a mild headache. I felt like saying, “hang up the phone, take a paracetemol, and get the hell back to work.”
There you have it: Britain at its very worst. Whinging hypochondriacs and an over-the-top, expensive government initiative which is only fueling the Swine Flu hype. One more thing: it was interesting to hear from Rachel that the centres receive hardly any calls during the evening and at weekends, but that during working hours they are inundated. Oh, and guess when the peak time for calls is? Yup, Monday morning - the 9am shift, she told me, is an absolute killer.
Tags: Hypochondria, NHS, Pandemic, swine flu, Swine Flu helpline, Tamiflu
This was in the TELEGRAPH newspaper
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Tommy...just a few words would suffice darlin xxxx
Me eyes & me brain go haywire readin long threads.
Hiya Cupie xxxx
QUESTION: Do any of ye know Miss Dee from Oz Divas? Lovely Irish Lady.
WELL....tis her birfdy today, so have started a thread on RT UK...please pop in and wish her Happy Birthday if ye want!
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Hot shower time for me...then twinkle-toe in me slippers to bed, and watch a bit of teev.
Not puttin any more gifs on here till I learn how to do it properly, so sorry if ye wanted to 'nick' any.
Goodnight to all me Oz mates & Tommy xxxx
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Goodnight Lynn..
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Hello Tommy and Lynn!!!!!! ;D
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I WON A MILLION POUNDS..Im a rich Irishman............ (http://www.euromillions.be)188 BELLING HAM ROAD,CATFORD, LONDON, SE6 1EJ UNITED KINGDOM********************* Dear Internet User. E-mail below agent to claim your prize. Today in our online version which was done using an internet database system which registered 15 Million emails your email emerged and drew as winner and have won the sum of £1,000,000GBP (one million pounds) in cash credited to file with REFERENCE NUMBER: UK/4920X2/68; BATCH NUMBER:EURO084/05/ZY360;SERIAL NUMBER: 090-598-1429; CLAIM DEPT S. A.MICKEY CAMBELLEmail: standardsecurity@courierdeliveryy.com Congratulations once again from all our staff. Mrs Concha Reyes. (Secretary)Euro Millions Board Promotions Managers.CATFORD, 2009
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Hiya Gang xxxx
Now, before I start...could somebody please explain in REAL Engerlish/Orztralane how to add gifs from my Foto Flikit to my replies.
Just going into My Pictures to select a few for FF...the "snatchable" ones of course.
Back in about 30 mins...xxxx
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Hello, Lynn - just before I head off through the insane traffic, you might want to look through THIS POST (http://www.ozroundtable.com/index.php?topic=81.msg5051#msg5051). Liisa's explained how to insert images here.
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Lynn open PB and come back here...show you we can, help you we will..
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Waiting, waiting, waiting....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/ac846.gif)
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Hi cupie lynns with me helping me spend a million pounds..ha..ha
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Ta Contessa...and sorry for delay Cupie...had to go thru 100's NAY 1000's of gifs to find wot I wanted.
OK...here goes (hope it works Liisa)
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/ShakeitBabylynn.gif)
Couldn't find any called URL, so lets see if this works!
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Hi Tommy...I see Lynn's joined us...so with all this new found wealth, you can afford to pay for a few plane fairs so we can all come and visit you in the land of Blarney & Nod?? Where the wee people hide winning lottery tickets at the end of the cyber garden, and everything is bright and gay all day hooray....woops, got carried away.......lol.
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YAY!!! It finally worked!
and Tommy...no thanks...if I had a million quid/dollars I'd give it all away...couldn't handle the worry of that much money.
Hope ye're all havin fun here...better go back and say G'day on RT UK boards...they've probably got a few native trackers out lookin for me by now.
BBS XXXX
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Now you can have some fun....and we can pinch all the good gifs....but we were expecting more you know !! Tease !!!......oh well...we'll have to declare another Gif war soon yes? Sees ya Lynnie
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Cupie i see lynn put on a photo when she was a young woman..ha..ha...its 9 am in uk
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But the real question is Tommy...is she a natural red head?....
More importantly....... who really made haggis the Scots or the English?
-
Cupie...just tried that one to see if it worked (have NOT had a lotta success with gifs on here)
Tommy...your watch is wrong...just going on 9am now.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Image0429.gif)
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My eyes are sore reading am away back to uk
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Hi Lynnie....to put a gif in
Go into your PB account and copy the 'Direct Link'.
When you go into the 'Posting Screen'.....Just below the Change Colour pull down menu and directly below the italics button is a small framed landscape...press that and paste the direct link between the frames
like so.....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/fishswim.gif)
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Yep Cupie...I was born a redhead, but these days am now silvery-white...doesn't worry me, always wanted to be a blonde, and now can wear all shades of pink.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/22May-onlineshopping.jpg)
arrgghhhh!......... the dreaded grocery shopping! not online yet in Cairns, so have the weekly chore of (ho-hum) running around Woolies/Coles chucking stuff in trolleys.
With a bit of luck, I manage to run-down a few peeps in me way too (yabberin in the aisles).
-
Lynns every were..Hi
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Countessa weres the Irish in you..(Of course, I speak as one who is not a convict, is of German/Dutch/French/Spanish descent, having been born in Australia,)
-
He's got ya there....hehehehe
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Me Grandfather was Oirish !!!
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Most of oz is Irish
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;D :professor: :mob:
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500 snipe
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Yes :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:... and 2600 watchers thats a snipe weres lynn
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So ordained by god himself to be sure to be sure !!! After all, how else was England going to colonise a Country they didn't own....hehehehe
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/iii-hand-1.jpg)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/clap-animated-animation-clap-000340.gif)
Well Done tommy...Sniper extraordinaire.
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Oiiii!!! Wot's goin on here...was tryin to post for over 5 mins, then got "kicked out"
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/WalksOut.gif)
Be back after supper <if I can get past the bodyguard(s)>
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You'll have to ask Countess about that one Lynnie...maybe Tommy's done a deal with admin for the best snipes on this thread...???...lol
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That Tommy! I'll sort him out (don't you worry about that).
C'm 'ere Tommy me lad
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/FightingLeprechaun.jpg)
*back to the kitchen*
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Irish stew for you tonight Lynn
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Nope! The last of the Chicken Soup tonight Tommy.
Just about to eat it now....want some?
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Save me some am away to Age Concern
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/bye.gif) Tommy...it must be time to get on with the day for you eh?
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Lynn open PB and come back here...show you we can, help you we will..
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_yoda-1.jpg) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/yoda-1.jpg)
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Hiya Yib xxxx
Goin to bed now to watch a bit of teev!.
Catch up with ye tomorra gang xxxx
(http://<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action-view¤t=zzzzzsmiley.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/zzzzzsmiley.gif" border="0" alt="zzzzzzzz"></a>)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/bye.gif) Lynnie...see ya tomorrow !!!
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Lynn open PB and come back here...show you we can, help you we will..
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_yoda-1.jpg) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/yoda-1.jpg)
Report you for baiting, I will
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Lynn open PB and come back here...show you we can, help you we will..
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_yoda-1.jpg) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/yoda-1.jpg)
Report you for baiting, I will
Hey!......ya little mushkin where ya bin?.........
-
Wow! Yib's got a new playmate!
Should be fun.
I'll watch.........
-
3.30 pm in uk and 11.30 pm in oz..me heads going round and round
-
its 12am in the uk and 9am in oz and im going to bed
-
Lynn open PB and come back here...show you we can, help you we will..
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_yoda-1.jpg) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/yoda-1.jpg)
Report you for baiting, I will
LMAO...it worked didn't it?.....hehehehe
Evening Tommy...just having me brekkie...lol
-
9.46am and I'm busy doing horrible housework ,the day my husband cleans up after making a mess will be the day I win a million dollars ;D
-
8.00am..goodmorning everyone..i see its 5.00pm in oz
-
only 3pm where I am Tommy
-
Hello Curry xxxx
Was just thinkin Tommy the Oirishman sounded like a "talking clock"...then along ye come telling us wot time it is too.
*is dreading "Daylight Saving" in all other States*
....and Hiya Gang xxxx
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Hi Tommy...yep it's almost dinner time here..having bangers and mash with gravy and corn on the cob tonight.....boring I know, but quick and yummy. Hi Lynn...see you've joined us...
-
Hiya Cupie xxxx
Tonight's blackboard menu reads:
Sliced beef with finely chopped shallots & sliced onion in soy and port...served with
Cauliflower Au Gratin
Sebago Potatoes mashed and Carrots Julienne.
(made enuff to last me 3 days...should see the blerdy washing-up)
-
Hi cupie..hi lynn..hi smee..lynn dont want to confuse people ..im eating me breakfast when your eating your dinner..now im confused
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Yum Lynn, that sounds good. We're having leftovers :(
-
Hiya Wheels...usually get this mad cooking spurt coupla times a week...love cooking, but could be a pain if just cooking for one.
So I solve that problem by making 3 meals at a time...only one big wash-up coupla times a week too.
Tommy...I'm confused most of the time, so fully understand others in same boat.
*should be ready for Alzheimers when it knocks on my door*
-
A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.
"Who is it?"
"Blind man," came the response.
Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door.
The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
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Hello to Tommy, Cupie and Lyn.
I'm not sure what I will be having for tea tonight 'cause I got food poisoning yesterday from something ate on Sunday and am still recovering.
For those wondering, I was not the only one. Pregnant neice has been hospitalised and many others effected. The authorities are investigating.
-
Hiya Fluffy xxxx
Sorry to hear your bad news...did ye all eat at the same place?
Looks like dry Sao biscuits & flat Lemonade for ye darlin xxxx
Keep us up-to-date on how yerself & others are doing eh?
-
Hi lady fluffy hope you get better
-
Sounds awful fluffy...and Lynn...I remember my grandmother giving me the same thing....oooohhh...these days I'm not sure I'd eat and drink that unless me grandma was standing over me threatening bodily harm..lol
-
Cupie...it's still the best treatment (imo)...at least ye have sumthin inside ye to throw up.
A grated (peeled) apple was the other thing I forgot about.
-
Yes we all ate at the same place. It was a smorgasboard.
-
But, I didn't even eat the Salmon Mousse !!!!
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/vii-i-am.jpg)
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Poor Fluffy...guess ye don't wana hear there's a Birthday Party on UK RT Fick Corner.
All welcome!(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/a%20Birthdays%20etc/BirthdayHUGE.jpg)
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Beddy-byes for me...party will have to go on without me.
Busy! Busy! Busy! today...and now have collapsed in a screaming heap (sort of).
Catch up with ye tomorra Gang xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/5Aug-Goodnight.jpg)
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the dishes are washed ,the house looks sparkling clean,just a bit of ironing to do ( hubby and 2 kids ),then maybe I might be able to put my feet up and have a nice cuppa before bed. ;D
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Goodmorning 7.30am here
-
4.32 PM afternoon here Tommy......
-
All quiet..nice and sunny here..
-
4:36...
But - what happens when the numbers stop?
-
What numbers..stop...what you mean...
-
Hiya Gang xxxx
Was gonna post some neat new gifs, but FotoFlukit is closed for maintenance.
Will be back later when I've got a few RL things sorted here.
;D
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G'day Loopy. You got any GIF's depicting fishing, archery or shooting rifles & revolvers/pistols?
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G'day Loopy. You got any GIF's depicting fishing, archery or shooting rifles & revolvers/pistols?
Never mind shootin and fishin..weres the naked women..ha..ha
-
err...ummmm....nope!
*wonders if he's the newest Serial Killer*
*is afraid.......is very afraid*
Just wondering aloud if I should bring "Dirty Harry" from RT UK over here to help me out!
:help: :phishing: :archer: :archer:
(Found these in your smiley section)
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G'day Tommy xxxx
Best I get back over the pond before I gets into trubble here!
-
Was gonna post some neat new gifs, but FotoFlukit is closed for maintenance.
Pb IS down!
word!
C):-{= <" that aint no good in my book.... "<<
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Hi Lynn time to go to Age Concern...see you all later
-
G'day Loopy. You got any GIF's depicting fishing, archery or shooting rifles & revolvers/pistols?
(http://www.clipartof.com/images/emoticons/xsmall2/711_smiley_shooting_rifle.gif)
(http://www.clipartof.com/images/emoticons/xsmall2/696_laser_shooting_smiley.gif)
(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc24/Beeconk/gifs/730_machine_gun_shooting_smiley.gif)
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p179/alleykat_photos/699_smiley_shooting_a_rifle.gif)
(http://i287.photobucket.com/albums/ll149/squal179/smiley/725_gangster_shooting_a_machine_gun.gif)
(http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii229/EntropyUnlimited/Forum%20Smilies/748_angry_smiley_shooting.gif)
(http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u55/BJ_BOBBI_JO9/Sports%20and%20activities%20and%20actions%20games%20related/trap-shooter.gif)
(http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg255/XD45FAN/GIF%20Files/ShootingCowboySmiley.gif)
(http://www.clipartof.com/images/emoticons/xsmall2/290_animated_hunter_hunting_with_a_rifle.gif)
(http://www.freefever.com/animatedgifs/animated/gun2.gif)
(http://media.bigoo.ws/content/gif/professions/professions_20.gif)
(http://www.fishingsociety.org/naut002.gif)
(http://www.ogmoreriver.com/images/fisherman_boat.gif)
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3155/3098162352_737bf9d798_o.gif)
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(http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u20/drought666/fly.jpg)
(http://i438.photobucket.com/albums/qq103/ssik4evr/fisherman5.gif)
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c158/cobbweiser/fishing/bassfly.gif)
(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m242/axiemeluv/Animation/People/fly_fishN.gif)
(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv174/jodideanfamilyphotos/FISHING/fishing10.gif)
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Liisa & Smee. Brilliant GIF's. It would be good if someone with the knowledge could add them to our GIF board.
-
Loopy. Don't be afraid unless you see me heading your way with a length of rope. Everyone should be afraid if I'm in their territory with my faithful rope.
:keelhaul:
-
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6Aug-WTF.jpg)
You lot are s-c-a-r-y !!!!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6Aug-pctoilet.jpg)
Just changed me pooter chair...dont wanna kak me pants!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/5Aug-Goodnight.jpg)
Grabs me dawg and heads for me bed!
*hides under doona*
-
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/11-1.gif)
Fishing Aussie style - You're the bait...
-
Never take a knife to a gun Fight....I's ready fer ya Ubb......Commence a shootin
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/19Feb-doublebarrell.gif)
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That's a ripper Cupie.
-
This is for Tommy.
Darwin (Northern Territory, Australia) Road Sign
My advise is, ignore the sign.
[attachment deleted by admin]
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That's a ripper Cupie.
I pinched the gunfighter off Lynnie.....hehehehe......da gif burglar strikes again...
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Keep pinching them Cupie. Is it possible to whack them on our Smiley/GIF board?
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Ubb, it already takes two days to load you realise.....???
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I didn't know that. Does it cost money?
-
lmao...no...I mean with dial up...meaning don't we already have enough bloody emoticons?...lol...costs nothing but time.....
-
We can never have enough emoticons. Keep em coming.
-
*groan*
Spoken like someone with Broadband...lol
-
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/1209160717_others_43.gif)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/poltergeist.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/poltergeist.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/poltergeist.gif)
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Dudes what have I missed ???
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Yib. you've missed lots of good fun all over the place.
-
I see....
Impressive...most impressive....Most Online Today: 22129. Most Online Ever: 1000,000,000 (April 25, 2009, 10:40:36 PM) ...we are infamous...LOLOLOL
-
A pretty non observant fisherman.
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
Can anyone spot what is wrong in the picture above?
-
An even less observant diver....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/59.gif)
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I like that one Cupie!
(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/00020345.gif)
-
(http://www.homepagedaily.com/uploads/20070821/8873caef-a396-477e-8817-0727ca5f8fc7/funny%20animated%20gifs%2032.jpg)
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(http://www.sportssmile.com/images/funny.jpg)
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Did he win an Ipod?
-
We're gonna need a bigger boat !!!!
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/jaws.jpg)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/rollernun.gif)
-
(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/seesaw.gif)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/tower.gif)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/funny_new_17.gif)
-
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/th_sexcartoon4.gif) (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/sexcartoon4.gif)
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some very good pict's there :applause: :bunny:
-
(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/sept2.gif)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/swing.gif)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/sm1.gif)
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Lynnies gonna love the rollerskating nun Yib...Hi Curry.
-
(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/sm8.gif)
-
(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/sm3.gif)
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Why would she like this one cupie?...is she a nun?.....
(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/rollernun.gif)
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All good stuff. I thought I'd change my avatar in case I need heavier firepower..
-
Don't know Yib....but I pinched this one off her recently....hehehe...runs off with cat eating mouse gif>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>hehehehe
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/nun.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/nun.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/nun.gif)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/frosty.gif)
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Tello would love this one...he's a beaves & butt head fan....
(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/beavisbutthead01.gif)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/virus.gif)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/funny/eye_chart_out_of_focus_md_wht.gif)
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(http://www.mikesfreegifs.com/main4/christmas/santabad1.gif)
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Cool Dude
(http://)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/51.gif)
-
(http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s168/naynay36532/Funny%20animals/animal-1-1.gif)
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(http://i44.tinypic.com/vphjki.gif)
-
(http://i39.tinypic.com/wmaut4.jpg)
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(http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l292/Jlilmama420/Comments/funny-3.jpg)
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(http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/9927/ostrichvselephant.gif)
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(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u149/Margie077/New%20Pics2/New%20Pic3/funny_animals_pictures_01.gif)
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Brilliant Yib. I broke up when I saw that. Stupid ostrich deserves punishment for having a go at the elephant.
-
(http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b150/BabyTorres/Funny%20Stuff/animal.gif)
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(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh18/ehsherlock/icon82.gif)
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(http://i40.tinypic.com/mma7id.jpg)
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(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f162/tfoochie/badhorse4ke.gif)
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(http://izismile.com/img/img2/20090409/gifs_02.gif)
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(http://izismile.com/img/img2/20090409/gifs_03.gif)
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(http://izismile.com/img/img2/20090409/gifs_12.gif)
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(http://i280.photobucket.com/albums/kk197/Sheena_00/monkeysittinginfrontofatvgoingspaz.gif)
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(http://izismile.com/img/img2/20090409/gifs_20.gif)
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(http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f210/Bane18/funnyanimal3.jpg)
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Hey guys. Go easy on the red cordial!! lol
-
(http://www.lolowned.com/funny-gifs/owned1.gif)
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Yeesssss Mummmmm.....
-
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/thread_direction.gif)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/Boo.gif)
Only Kidding.....carry on....who wants another red cordial ???
-
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/thread_direction.gif)
Giff bandit!
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/1985ibag-bennyhill-2.jpg)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/crosshairs.gif)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/loonytunes-1.gif) (http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/woohoo.gif)
Bring it on Green One..
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/agfunny61.gif)
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(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/dsp_i_am_with_stupid_copy.jpg)
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/1985ibag-bennyhill-2.jpg)
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(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/Borat-VeryNice.jpg)(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/highfive.gif)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/70166Complaintgranade.gif)
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No....You must Mean .....
(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/dsp_i_am_with_stupid_copy.jpg)
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/loonytunes-1.gif)
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Toshea and Check mate !...
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HUH? Go on......
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/7b4f_1-1.jpg)
-
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff99/artistrose/Text%20Graphics/8266537f11.gif)
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LMAO
consider it nabbed...hehehehe
Gif War Announcement: Cease Fire....bedtime for me...early start tomorrow....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/1240.gif)
Don't wanna end up looking like this ....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/1219.gif)
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/bye.gif)
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Night cupie..........
-
Goodmorning its 7.10am..I see everyone has been busy..great photos
-
Hi Tommy....yes we did have a gif war of sorts....had to turn in....early start this morning...*yawn*....Lynn should be along any time soon...lots of free gifs for her to grab......lol
-
Have you had a hard day
-
Hiya Gang xxxx
'nicked' some great gifs this morning...ta very muchly!
Now I'm gonna have to revise me FotoFlukit so I can share a few with you guys.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/HeySexy.gif)
(That's me fave for guys who are pickin on me for no reason)
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Hi Lynn Hi tommy...yeah it was a hard day...but over now.....have to work again tomorrow though......that's life..
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Have been reading the threads..am away back to uk for breakfast..Lynn was filling her shoppin bag with photos of this thread
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ssshhhh Tommy!
Found a new link...not tried it yet, but worth a go.
Have to chuck out some old gifs so I can post the newbies.
BBL xxxx
http://www.myspacesmileys.com/
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Managed to get lost in FotoFlukit (do that quite often)...gone cross-eyed now.
Found a few gifs on that thread...wil sort them out tomorra.
Friday night Footie is on...Cowboys v Storm...hope Cowboys win.
Gonna lay on the sofa with me dawg and watch the game
Goodnight Everybody xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/gSleepOnSofa.gif)
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Gee! tis quiet around here!
Only here for a little while, then back later xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/8Aug-MonkeyHello.gif)
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No its not ..Hi lynn..7 .25am in uk
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hi tommy ,your day is just starting ,it is now 4.35 pm here ,will be soon time to start cooking tea, maybe a nice ham omlette could be on the menu ;D
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*Waves to Tommy, Lynn and Curry*
;D
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hi to you fluffy , :stay: this is a nice friendly forum
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Us Irish are nice Friendly people..Curry.....Hi Fluffy
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Just popping in to say --
Hi. I like your hat :green:
(http://i975.photobucket.com/albums/ae234/acaciame/5132ed15.gif)
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Hiya Gang xxxx
Online to do my Sunday Chores on pc (as per pc man's instructions)
And then out to sunny patio to read Sunday paper.
:news:
Hope ye all have a great Sunday...catch up with ye about 5pm.
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Hi Lynn....sun is out today....so I'm off to do some gardening out on the front verge....we have a road being started on Monday, and all the ferns, native pigface, native orchids and gymea lillies growing out the front need to be moved so they don't get crushed...I've waited three years for me gymea lillies to get to maturity and nothing is going to cheat me of seeing them finally flower...they're magnificent...lol...mind you if we can't dig around them, we'll be asking Council to pick them up with the excavator and dump them in our driveway...rural council guys are more accommodating like that...lol. They've just taken down 8 trees out the front and I scored a truck full of mulch for nothing.....exciting week, but we're gonna have construction going on for a month.....won't that be fun...lol
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Hi everyone 9.00am here and raining
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HI TOMMY ,no rain here ,we sure could do with some ,the time is now 6.11pm and time to cook tonight's meal :potstir:
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Hiya Curry et al xxxx
Am just off to the kitchen meself...lazy Sunday (well, been gardening most of the day), so am making a prawn omelette...just gotta chop up the (home-grown) chives, cook it, and eat it.
Like to have a lil rest after a meal, so will sit back with a glass of "wot's good for ye", and a fag.
Gotta have all me chores done before 7.30pm...Stephen Fry (my hero) in America is on ABC.
Sad that he's gay (well, sad for me that is)...really love his personality and wit.
....and a lil message from "Irish" dawg...
(http://<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action-view¤t=22May-dogchasedtail.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/22May-dogchasedtail.jpg" border="0" alt="Chase Tail"></a>)
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Let's try with that gif again...think I know wot I did wrong!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/22May-dogchasedtail.jpg)
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Goodmorning Lynn..cuppie..fluffy..curry its 7.30am here
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Hello, Tommy my lovely Tommy - I've had a lot on my plate over the weekend.
A shocking wind tore through Melbourne on... was it Friday night? Thursday night? (At any rate, a shocking wind tore through Melbourne not long ago. The dogs next door howled like vacuum cleaners.)
I shall hie me over to the UK thread tonight.
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Goodmornin countessa
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Hiya Gang xxxx
...and Good Morning Tommy xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Image0429.gif)
Just logged on...away to UK now to say Good Morning to them.
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hi tommy and everyone ,how are you today :chocdip:
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hi lynn ..hi curry.. :party:
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Hiya Curry xxxx
YAY! looks like Tommy's in party mood!
(http://<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action-view¤t=6Aug-HappyMan.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6Aug-HappyMan.jpg" border="0" alt="Happy Man"></a>)
*decides to put me bestest party outfit on and join in*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/ShakeitBabylynn.gif)
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ooops! Tommy is nekkid!
*puts clothes on hime*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6Aug-TShirt.gif)
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A big hello to Tommy, Lyn, Countess and Curry!!!! *waves*
*also waves to the lurkers*
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Its 8.00am here ,,Goodmorning to you all
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It's 5.00 pm here Tommy. Grey and raining in Melbourne.
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Its 8.00am here ,,Goodmorning to you all
what,did you sleep in today tommy ?? ;D not done very much today ,I think I'm getting to be a bit lazy ,need a holiday I think :yawn: :yawn:
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Hi Lady Fluffy..we have sunshine rain later..To busy reading the UK threads Curry,was up at 7.00am
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Goodmorning to Cupie and Lynn when they turn up
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Hi Tommy...sorry I'm late....long day...and only just sat down...........We're hoping it ISN'T going to rain tomorrow, but don't like our chances...it's raining right now and we've just spent all day doing formwork......we scheduled a concrete truck for 8.30am to concrete and stamp the front patio.....
....and that's exactly why it's going to rain cats and dogs......arrrrggghhhh!!!!! :tanty: :tanty: :tanty:
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An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!
The Madam is astonished.
"But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal."
The trucker replies,
"Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny........ I'm homesick."
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(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/17May-BeautifulDay.gif)
Hiya Gang...didn't make it online yesterday, and am off shortly to horse-piddle to pick up me pc man who is having a colonoscopy as I type.
From experience, know he'll be starving, so making a little sumthin for him to eat before we get a cab home.
See ye later this arvo xxxx
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Hi Lynn.....see ya this arvy.....might have some new gifs you can pinch.....you better bring some new ones OK?....Yibs having a dummy spit because I keep pinching his gifs, but he keeps posting them, and pinching mine so what gif comes around, must also go around.....it's the circle of gifs......lol
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Hiya Cupie...YEP! got some new gifs, so will do a "swap" with ye later today.
Better get ready in case I miss the next bus xxxx
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OK darls.....have a good one....catch ya....anon !!!!
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Just noticed the bit about Yibs.....UK'er "Electric Mayhem Band" keeps nickin mine, so I keep nickin his.
Ye'd swear we had identical Foto Flukits!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/5AugRunAway.jpg)
*gone*
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Hi Lynn...I've found some rippers lately..just waiting for the opportunity to drop them in when relevant....you only get one chance to use a good gif here, before it's taken hostage by a small martian creature......lol
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Sorry, sorry - I haven't been feeling fantastic, and haven't been posting as much as I should.
*waves hello to all*
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hi contessa ,sorry to hear your not feeling so great ,take care .
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Goodmorning..Lynn..Cupie..Curry..Countessa and everyone else...8.30am here
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Hope ye're feeling better Contessa xxxx
Hiya Curry xxxx
Hi Tommy xxxx
*waits for Cupie to make an appearance*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/12Aug-tantrum-1.gif)
(above is an Oz tantrum...well, we are upside-down here ye know)
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Get well soon Countessa..we miss you
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why hullo again tommy ,glad to see you here ,I just woke up after having a little kip ,hope I sleep tonight .
g'day to you loopy xxxxxxx
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I also had a little "Nanna Nap" this arvo Curry...just an hour or so recharges my batteries.
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Nice sunny day and alls great so far :mperror:
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So where did ye nick that gif tommy?
Bet ye make yours go upside-down.....hahahahaha
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/GoodLuckClover-1.gif)
(just off to the kitchen for a while...BBL)
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Above were you write your reply lynn..is a smiley..click on to (more) :google: :evillaugh: :dogrun: :angel: :hannibal: :monalisa: :shark: :welcome!: :beatles: :funaward: :busride: :lepink: :chocdip: :chocdip: :coffeecup: :coffeecup:
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ok Tommy...beeen there/done that!
Now wot I want ye to do is turn one of those smileys UPSIDE-DOWN....like this:-
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/7June-1-1.gif)
Away to have me supper...will check back shortly to see if ye have any luck.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6Feb-UpsideDown.jpg)
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Off to bed now...have taken all me meds, and off to watch teev from the comfort of me bed.
Goodnight everybody xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/5Aug-Goodnight.jpg)
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good night dear loopy ,sleep tight
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Hey Countess, sorry to hear your not feeling very well. Get a can or two of Pepsi Max into you. Pepsi Max cures all known ailments & illnesses even the Ebola virus, which must be true as I've never had the Ebola Virus.
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Hey Loopy, feeling a bit tired eh. Throw a few cans of Pepsi Max down the throat, you won't want to sleep for months.
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;D
** This thread is sponsored by Ubbrd's Pluto Pups and Pepsi Max - Food to get you going! **
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and going, and going ...
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr342/wheels2spin/bite_me_toilet.jpg)
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Good one Wheels, have a complimentary Pluto Pup & while you are there have a can of Pepsi Max, it's on the house, just tell them ubbrd sent you.
-
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr342/wheels2spin/avatar_6.png)
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr342/wheels2spin/pluto.gif)
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I'm seeing the specialist for a consultation today (I was on the cancellation list - earliest time otherwise would have been October).
I've also got to sing something for the ABC today, but once I return from that, I have got to post in the UK thread. Is it safe? Kicking? Alive? Breathing?
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Countessa...Every things ok on uk thread...8.15am here...Get well soon.. :getwell: :getwell: :getwell:
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700 SNIPE
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:winner: :youaretheman: :vent: :yess: :yess: :yess:
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Congratulations Tommy!
(http://i498.photobucket.com/albums/rr342/wheels2spin/worm_dancing.gif)
Melbourne Report: 5:58pm, wet and chilly!
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Cairns...6.20pm...still about 26 degrees...luvverly.
Dear Contessa...please accept this from me and hope ye are better soon.....
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/22FebCute1.jpg)
btw...still waiting for some NEW gifs to nick folks.
Gotta go somewhere...BRB
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/BRB.gif)
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Cairns...6.20pm...still about 26 degrees...luvverly.
Dear Contessa...please accept this from me and hope ye are better soon.....
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/22FebCute1.jpg)
btw...still waiting for some NEW gifs to nick folks.
Gotta go somewhere...BRB :uthewoman: :uthewoman: :uthewoman:
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/BRB.gif)
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Oh! Tommy...you ARE the clever one eh? Well done, my friend.
Away to have me supper now...BBL xxxx
*follows instruction for household chores tomorrow...Yup! procrastinating again!*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/8Aug-CleanHouse.gif)
See ye after supper.
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Just heading off now to have me supper...catch up with ye tomorra.
Goodnight Everybody xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/8Aug-TweetySleeping.gif)
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Hi lynn hows you
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Hello Lynn and Tommy. ;D 9.00 am here.
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Hiya Fluffy...popping in early, coz Friday Night Football is on tonight, and just gotta barrack fpr the Cowboys!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/14Aug-BluddyFootball.gif)
hmmmm...just saw "that look" on me dawg's face...she hates me yahooing when my team is winning.
Tis ok...if they're losing, I change channels!
Noticed Contessa's name as posting on some of the threads here, so guess she is ok?
(got some neat new gifs when/if Cupie turns up).
Gonna pop over to UK now to see wot's happening...BBL xxxx
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Well... okay is as okay does... I've had some tests, more tests checking some other things, a minor operation to look forward to after a visit to a specialist yesterday, and still no definite resolution about why I'm feeling sick all the time. I will wait patiently until the next doctor's appointment to see if we're any further in discovering whatever it is, but this new doctor takes one step at a time (very thorough), so it may take a while to find out what's happening...
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Hi Lynn...I'm around...but not for long tonight....have an early start and it's been a long week...we'll get to the gif war when we're all here...Yibida likes to play too.....although he's running around torching threads lately....so not sure what that's about...something about me pinching gifs too....don't know what he's talking about...lol....
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Hello Contessa...tis a worry when ye have all those tests, and they can't find the culprit!
Went thru a similar business 11 years ago...was a process of elimination (and I still kept falling asleep at my work computer about 1pm each day).
Cost a small fortune in medical tests...then they discovered it was a serious virus called C.M.V, not helped by my usual 70 hour weeks!
At the end of the day, when I was only 55, had to officially retire from the work force...that was worse than the illness, coz I was born a "workaholic".
Sending best wishes to you, and hope it is not too serious xxxx
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Howdy Cupie xxxx
...didn't forget ye...just thought I'd post separately to yerself.
I can hang out for the "GIF WAR"...got it all loaded up in Foto Flukit, ready & raring to go.
I've also had an extra-busy week, plus another next week, so hopefully will be able to have a "FUN WEEK" following that.
BBL xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Nonsense-5.gif)
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Hi Fluffie..Cupie..Lynn..Countessa and anyone else..8.20am here..very heavy rain :kisshug: :kisshug: :kisshug:
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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!
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There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top. The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she dies. They yell to the brunette to jump but she says,"No I saw what you did to the redhead"! They shout we don't like redheads! So the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies. Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says,"no I saw what you did to them"! They shout we don't like them! The blonde then says, "I don't trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!"
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Hey there Tommy xxxx
Just heading off to eat me supper, then watch footy.
Catch up with ye tomorra.
*one for the road*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/11April-FHGDwarves.jpg)
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Hi Ya Lynn and Tommy. :kisshug:
Love the dwarfs post Lynn. lol
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Hi Lady Fluffy.. :kisshug: ..Countessa :kisshug: and one for Lynn :kisshug:
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Morning all xxxx
Heading off to me Artur-i-tis meeting shortly, so thought I'd pop in early.
Me footy team LOST last night, so flicked over to SBS and fell asleep.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/marissa.jpg)
See ye this arvo.
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Good morning everyone
-
I are knackered...2 meetings in 1 day, and I'm VP of both.
Tonight Brisbane Lions are playing AFL, so I may have a happier result than last night (if I can manage to stay awake for the full 3 hours)
*one for the road*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/3.jpg)
See ye tomorrow xxxx
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Just hope they dont tax hokey pokey ;D
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Just hope they dont tax hokey pokey ;D
they are Poddy ... see the tax thread !
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Just hope they dont tax hokey pokey
Ya better hope it's not paypal only. See the paypal thread.
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Hi Poddy..Smee..Tellomon..its 7.45pm here
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What's with the timekeeping? I don't get it.....
It's always NOW wherever yer at.
Be there!
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Just popping in to say G'day
Little bit of Ireland happening here Tommy...its sprinkling rain lol
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It's a 99 degrees F in the Montello shade on this glorious Saturday Yard Sale "On The Strip" Holiday afternoon.
So there.
(I got some great deals, and I didn't need to use paypal......)
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Goodnight time for bed..12.00am
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Morning all xxxx
On me way out to the sunny patio to read the Sunday paper.
Have a great day gang...see ye for the "arvo" session.
Another "quicky" first....................
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/4.jpg)
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(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/4.jpg)
That is so cliche!
Not a bad thang.
Just cliche.........
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Goodmorning..cloudy today
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*follows Tommy over to Oz*
*does a "Flounce" for Tello...whaddya want for nuttin*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/26Jan-Floucesoff.gif)
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Hi Lynn Darling an here waiting for you..its quiet here no one can see us..(the UK lot are nosey)
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oooowwaaahhh!!!!............... Tommy..................ye'll start the gossips up ye know!
Have heard about these "online romances", but couldn't be bothered meself.
Used to be an Oz advert for Mortein Fly Spray:-
"When you're on a good thing, stick to it".
That's how I see my life as it is now...cost me a lotta money and a lotta years to get to this PEACE ON EARTH state-of-mind.
Tucker Time here...BBL
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I know what you mean Lynn..PEACE ON EARTH state-of-mind..its great to have it
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Goodnight all xxxx
Off to watch Stephen Fry in USA on ABC...just love his wit and humour.
See ye all tomorra xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/23March-Loopy-1.gif)
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Hi to Lynn and Tommy!!
-
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/Skulls/skulls-32.gif)
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The UK should be yawning soon....so best wake this thread up for the Summer forecast....beautiful day here today 28 degrees, westerly winds and a bush fire.....lmao...beautiful one day, running for your life the next.....looks like we're in for a wicked summer......*groan*....scary stuff....time to get the property fireproofed in the next few weeks.
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Hi Fluffy..Cupie..Lynn..Tellomon and Countessa another wet day here..7.10am
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Hello, my lovelies - it's a bright and baby-wool sort of day here in Melbourne. You know the sort of day I mean...? The sky is a delicate pale blue, with little fluffy clouds resting in billowing folds upon the bassinette of the world...
I've just posted in the UK thread.
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Hope your getting better Countessa
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Hiya Gang xxxx
(http://<a href="http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/?action-view¤t=6JuneLoveHearts.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6JuneLoveHearts.gif" border="0" alt="Love Hearts"></a>)
Gosh Cupie...hope ye don't have a repeat of last summer's fires!
*wonders wot Countess is on...she is away with the fairies at the moment*
Wot ever it is, please share with your friends.
See ye beat me here again Tommy!
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damn!.....trying again.....
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6JuneLoveHearts.gif)
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Lynn, I'm on... bananas.
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oooh! bananas! very good for you Contessa...being a "banana-bender" myself, just love them.
Only one in the house at the moment, and it's ripening up a couple of avocadoes for me.
*makes note to get more bananas tomorra*
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Gonna go eat...see ye tomorra gang xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Nonsense-5.gif)
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Hi Gang xxxx
Just got this pic back from Woodstock 40th Anniversary...nuttin has changed much!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/18Aug-WoodstockReturn.jpg)
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/68.gif)
New one for ya Lynn !!
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Hiya Cupie xxxx
Gif safely stored in FotoFlukit...ta very much.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/15April-Ann6.jpg)
Looks like supper is gonna be late again...been natterin to a neighbour.
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"I HATE hippies!!!"
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/South%20Park/cart2.gif)
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hahahaha Tello...guess ye won't nick that gif then?
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/woohoo.gif)
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The Hippy Hippy Shake.....!!!
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/62.gif)
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Mornin all slept in..its10.20am
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Cupie, love the hippy hippy shake! ;D
Good Morning Tommy, it's been a beautiful day in Melbourne today.
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Hi wheels...yep, I thought it was a classic too....hippy kids with painted nappies...lol....shake it baby....
(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anim02.gif)
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Goodmorning everyone 7.30am and raining
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Goodmorning everyone 7.30am and raining
Hi Tommy...Rain?...what a surprise..LOL..I was under the impression England had all the crap weather?....
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A guy goes online looking for brains. He sees a red head brain for $2,000, a brunette brain for $1,000, and a blonde brain for $6,000.
The guy asks his friend why the blonde brain is so much and his friend said, "Because it's never been used."
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Howdy Folks xxxx
(Tommy's jokes)
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Snigger.gif)
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Tucker Time...Night All xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/19Aug-Goodnight.jpg)
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A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it... A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush "Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars." Barbara: "It's a cuckoo." Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million." Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo." Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Absolutely!" Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."
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Very true, Tommy, very true... this particular blonde cuckoo's abode may be unknown, but we know for CERTAIN that she appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...!
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very funny tommy ,thank you for keeping me amused with your good sense of humour :applause: :applause:
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Goodmorning all you Aussies
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*follows Tommy over to Oz*
Hiya Gang xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/1.gif)
Gotta stay outta the sun for coupla days methinks...goin "TROPPO"
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hi to you you loopy :grouphug:
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For Curry............ Bar Joke
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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Morning Lynn and Curry
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Hiya Curry xxxx
*hands Curry some cake*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/20Aug-Cake.jpg)
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Here's a nice cake. I reckon Tello would like it.
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eeewwwwww Birdman...looks 'orrible.
Closing down pc now...gotta start Macrame projects in the morning.
*leaves a parting gif*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/20Aug-ShakeAss.gif)
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Didn't like that cake Loopy, how about this one.
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very nice cake loopy ,thank you xxxxx
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777 Irish snipe
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4000 watchers another Snipe...8.30pm in UK
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Away for me "Nanna Nap"...see ye later xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/21Aug-DanceShoes.gif)
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Here's a nice cake. I reckon Tello would like it.
Nothing says "love" more than a Skull Cake.
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Away for me "Nanna Nap"...see ye later xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/21Aug-DanceShoes.gif)
a nap sounds nice ,but not for this little currymuncher, kids home soon and then the mayhem begins :help: :pmsl:
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it's sparrow fart in the UK...Tommy should be along any time now for a chirp...
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Hi everyone whats new..we got sunshine here..8.00am..going to be a nice day
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Morning Tommy xxxx
Evening all xxxx
(had a shite of a day...pc NOT doing as it's told)....so.....
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/7Aug-shootPC.jpg)
See ye tomorra xxxx
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Goodmorning..Saturday 8.20am and the sun is shineing
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Good Morning Tommy xxxx
Hiya Oz peeps xxxx
*leaves some choklit cake till I get back*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/7Junechocolatecake.jpg)
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*Sits in corner eating all the chocolate cake*
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Cupie.....You have to share!
Well, I will find some to steal.
(http://i975.photobucket.com/albums/ae234/acaciame/Picture062-2.jpg) Yum!
(http://i975.photobucket.com/albums/ae234/acaciame/Picture062-1.jpg)
^
I left this bit for someone :angel:
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Mmmmmmm chocolate cake with plenty of walnuts ;D ;D
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A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, it's your air freshener!"
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*burp*....sorry centuries, too late, scoffed the lot...that'll teach ya's to be here when it's on offer...hehehe....
Morning Tommy, or goodnight probably. 25 degrees here today supposedly. We've already had the opening of the bushfire season.....more to come no doubt, and the issue of managing fire fuel still being avoided like the plague by the powers that be......I wonder who's going to be the next lot of fire victims in this merry go round of mediocrity and hypocrisy ?.
I'm a bit annoyed about the Vic Black Saturday interim result....they seem to have overlooked fuel management...like doh !!!, when we ALL know that's the only thing we CAN control...pack of percies.....and still they're harping on about the Stay or Go Policy....Now it's stay or go, but probably better to go?...huh?....clear as a smoke filled fire ground. In my field we call it 'Pass the Liability'.
I reckon we're in for it this summer...... there's so much of the region overgrown and poorly managed as to make it another potential fire storm situation, the likes of which we haven't seen full force since 2001..it was out of control in that year......oh well, time to review the insurance policy.
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Hiya Gang xxxx
Gosh Cupie...not sounding good down your way for the bushfire season.
Been following the story on teev...seems to be a lot of indecision eh?
Glad ye enjoyed the cake darlin (hope ye shared with yer mates)
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/23Aug-CrazyFriend.jpg)
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booger! did it to me again!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/23Aug-CrazyFriend.jpg)
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Thanks for the cake lynn,,cupie its very heavy rain here..and its 9.45am
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Weres Lady Fluffy
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Tucker Time here...then "Midsomer Murders" then bed.
See ye tomorra folks xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/19Aug-Goodnight.jpg)
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A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
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weres Lynn
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Lynns not here Tommy....
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Good....800.. :snipewin: :snipewin: :snipewin: :10: :10: :10: :youaretheman: :youaretheman: :youaretheman:
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Morning Tommy xxxx
Evening all xxxx
(had a shite of a day...pc NOT doing as it's told)....so.....
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/7Aug-shootPC.jpg)
See ye tomorra xxxx
Absolutely knew you'd nab that one....lol....see Yib...what goes around, comes around.....I'm not the only one....and neither is Lynn.....*wink*
I see Tommy nabbed the latest snipe?..no doubt about that boy....
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The Cornflakes joke is another one to hit the laughter button. I can imagine a ditzy-looking woman (let's assume she is a PEROXIDED blonde with less than the average blonde intelligence - which is HIGH!) with pouty lips and designer hair looking at the breakfast table, puzzling over the oddly-shaped pieces... Lovely punchline!
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yes that joke is very funny :applause: :applause:
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Goodmorning all..8.50 am...i hope im not offending anyone with blond jokes..there is plenty of Irish ones around
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An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impresive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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Hiya Tommy, some M&M blonde jokes for you. ;D
Q .. Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A .. They're too hard to peel.
Q .. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A .. Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q .. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A .. You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q .. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A .. Proofreading.
Q .. Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A .. For throwing out the W's.
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Hiya Gang xxxx
*saunters in from UK*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/24Aug-CallGirl.gif)
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Hello Lyn, aren't you cold in that outfit? You might need to put a cardy on. ;D It is freezing cold here at the moment!
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Hi there Wheels...nope...not cold...I live in Cairns, and it's always hot here.
*changes into sumthin more suitable for watchin teev in bed*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/24Aug-OldSheila.gif)
Goodnight Gang xxxx
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That little number is sure to get the "frilly nightie lovers" very, very excited.
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Your looking very sexy Lynn.. *809
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
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Goodmorning 8.00am..nice sunny day
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(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/16Aug-HelpUpside-Down.gif)
Hiya Gang....being serious for a change.
Anybody had any luck with defrosting/reheating crunchy bread rolls...or just sliced breas?
Having Spag Bol for supper, and would just love to have a bread roll to soak up the juices, but NOT had any luck so far.
All replies will be tried...(mebbe not tonight)...and commented on.
Thanks in advance......Loopy xxxx
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Lynn, do you have a sandwich press? I make a quick garlic bread for one, using frozen bread slices or breadroll slices, spread with garlic butter, sandwich together and stick in the sandwich press. Just pull apart again to eat - crunchy on the outside, soft and garlicky on the inside!
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Whack your bread in the oven for a short time. This always crisps up frozen bread for me.
Talking about food. the Commander In Chief knocked up a pretty fine Pot Roast tonight followed by Bread & Butter Pudding. Magnificent feed, but my guts are now swollen from too much.
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Ubbrd, any leftovers?
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Yep, the Broccoli. Even my dog Harry won't eat Broccoli.
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Thanks for that Gang xxxx
Will try all those at a later date...not tonight coz I is starving and just buttered a coupla slices of fresh bread for tonight's supper.
Gotta love ye & leave ye (least I don't "kiss & tell") xxxx
See ye tomorra...off to me bed shortly
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/24Aug-DontBugMe.gif)
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ny mose cany speel :green:
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GOODMORNING EVERYONE..its rain..rain..rain here
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Hi Tommy, it's early bushfires here..with strong Westerly, N/westerly, and S/westerly winds...can't make it's bloody mind up...lol...other parts of the east coast are either on fire or under severe wind storm conditions....sheesh....looks like an interesting summer....lol...beautiful one day, running for your life the next...
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Hi cupie weres Lynn...
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I know there are some others from these forums who can post in the UK forum, but where they're hiding, who can tell?
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Contessa...methinks they're frightened little bunnies?
...and the GOOD NEWS for today is:-
Weather in Cairns today:-
Wednesday 26 August
Absolutely beautiful!
Make the most of your time in Cairns today and experience some of its wonderful natural attractions..
Low 18 °C High 29 °C
...and I know a lot of you are suffering from weird weather atm...let's hope it can only get better for you all.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/6JuneLoveHearts.gif)
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Hi Lynn...the weather doesn't bother me...bushfires bother me...and I would post on the UK, but I'm likely to attract a shadow. Ebay forums everywhere have this type of thing though so, I'm not Robinson Crusoe...lol
:troll:
.I might take a peak tomorrow morning cause it's night there when it's sparrow fart here.....isn't it?...gives me jet lag just thinking about it...
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Your always welcome in the UK Cupie..glad to see Countessa better
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Cupie...I agree with Tommy...we have a few of those "dead-heads" on RT UK too, but we mostly manage to ignore them...or else, I have a very special gif I use for them (no words are needed)
If ye have a problem, just let us know...they will get one of my looks (and more)
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Margsfrowning.gif)
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Well then I may just poke my nose in when you guys are posting...then it's gotta be safe...lol...I don't like getting into it with these idiots...I just ignore them and avoid them.....someone has to act like an adult....who can figure it out? Some people are cretons....By the Way...I like the look....'the way of the look'.........I usually use my Dame Edna frown pic....
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Onya Cupie...Tommy and myself usually appear on RT UK around 5.30pm Oz Time (that's 8.30am breakfast time in UK).
Mostly nice posters on around that time...worth giving it a try eh?
Tucker time now for me darlin...and "Inspector Rex", then bed...see ye tomorra xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/19Aug-Goodnight.jpg)
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In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits... Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb....It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
God is good!
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In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits... Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
This is a rewording straight from one of the "No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency" series. Mma Ramotswe solves the mystery of the unfortunate patients who need to be connected to the ventilation machine.
Is anyone else a Precious Ramotswe fan?
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Countess. Are you saying this is not true & that Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper doesn't exist. I'm shattered.
(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/00020344.gif)
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Pookie Johnson exists, and they may call him The Sweeper, but he actually works for the Mafia - and his sweeping involves a silenced pistol, a roll of canvas and a tasteful selection of cement blocks.
He doesn't work on Sundays.
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Phew Countess, that's a relief. You have restored my faith in humanity.
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Hello to everyone
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Hi Tommy dinner time over here...just thinking about what I might have...something simple....like scambled egg on toast....lol
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Hiya Cupie xxxx
Just about to have my supper too...Spag Bol again...yummy.
Will pop back in again about an hour.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/A%20SAFE%20HAVEN/WavingPinky.gif)
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Hi Lynn...had spag bol last night....will see ya in a while.
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...and now I have a full tummy...so gonna sneak out early & watch a bit of teev.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/A%20SAFE%20HAVEN/Image0023.gif)
Goodnight Gang xxxx
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Goodnight Lynn
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Hiya Gang xxxx
Going on a pub crawl tonight...anybody wanna join in?
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/28Aug-PubCrawl.jpg)
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Hiya Gang xxxx
Going on a pub crawl tonight...anybody wanna join in?
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/28Aug-PubCrawl.jpg)
Geez Lynn, it was you what stole my daily drive.
:wine:
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Hiya Barny.....I'm always "nicking" stuff...so chances are you're right about that.
On RT UK Boxing Day, we all meet up for a CONGA LINE, and travel all over the place.
Last year we visited Germany, Holland, France, Spain, USA & OZ.
Had a ball! Hope we do that again this year!
Housework time, so will see you this arvo xxxx
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Hello Lynn..Goodbye Lynn..Goodmorning everyone else
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Greetings from the other side of the world.
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Hi Tommy & Contessa xxxx
Gotta luv ye & leave ye...Friday night footy is about to start...see ye tomorra.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/24Aug-DontBugMe.gif)
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Enjoy the game, Lynn - but you don't fool us. You're not really in bed as the picture sneakily tries to suggest. No, no, you're engaged in ritual football worship!
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I'll just leave a quick HELLO here for you Tommy and Irene. I never seem to be on the computer at the same time as you. Also got a joke to share. ;D
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
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Hiya Ozzieroos xxxx
Got some good jokes there Tommy xxxx
Gotta love ye and leave ye again early...Brisbane Lions are playing AFL tonight.
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/19Dec-DontWorryBeHappy.gif)
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:roflmao: :roflmao: Great jokes Tommy!
Evening all. We've had a cold, wet day in Melbourne today.
Weather too bad to go away so had to find something useful to do - Christmas shopping started! :spend:
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Mornin all 10.00am
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Wot's this all about then?
The poster who can say the least?
No chance for me then...I even talk in me sleep (just ask me dawg).
Now...sumthin for ye tomorra....
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/30Aug-good-morning-sunshine.gif)
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A big hello to Lynn. :kisshug: :kisshug:
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Hello, Tommy, Lynn, Fluffy, Wheels (I think I've included everyone!)
It was another wet-fish day, and we should all give thanks to the inventor of the electric/gas heater.
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Hello, Tommy, Lynn, Fluffy, Wheels (I think I've included everyone!)
It was another wet-fish day, and we should all give thanks to the inventor of the electric/gas heater.
Hello Countess. Top of the evening to ya!!! :-*
Not wet enough for this little duck..... :green:
And did I hear you say 'fish'? Where?
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Trout - in my fridge! (Smoked trout... quite tasty. NOT as delicious, though, as smoked mackerel...)
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Trout - in my fridge! (Smoked trout... quite tasty. NOT as delicious, though, as smoked mackerel...)
Hi countess...smoked eel is my favorite....
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Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
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G'day everyone. The only way I will eat Trout is smoked. I catch a lot of Trout & make brine mix with a hint of Teriake which I whack in the Trout's guts. I leave it overnight in the fridge. Next day I smoke the critter (or a couple ) in my smoker with Ash woodshavings. It then tastes OK a day later chilled & on a Jatz biscuit with a nicely chilled wholesome can of Pepsi Max.
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Goodmorning everyone..9.00am..and mackerel is a nice fish
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And so is the sturgeon, but does the mackeral have a song written about it?
Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon,
The virgin sturgeon's a very fine fish,
The virgin sturgeon needs no 'urgin,
That's why caviar is my dish.
I gave caviar to my girl friend,
she was a virgin tried and true,
Ever since she had that caviar,
There 'aint nothing she won't do,
I gave caviar to my grandpa,
Grandpa's age is ninety three,
The very next time I saw my grandpa,
He'd chased grandma up a tree.
Hi Tommy....top of the marnin to ye !!
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Howdy Gang xxxx
Cupie...do ye mind if I "nick" that virgin-sturgeon thingy?
Ta very much in advance.
G'day everyone. The only way I will eat Trout is smoked. I catch a lot of Trout & make brine mix with a hint of Teriake which I whack in the Trout's guts. I leave it overnight in the fridge. Next day I smoke the critter (or a couple ) in my smoker with Ash woodshavings. It then tastes OK a day later chilled & on a Jatz biscuit with a nicely chilled wholesome can of Pepsi Max.
oooh! I like the sound of that Birdy.....now just need to find somebody with a smoker thingy.
...and would swap the Pepsi stuff for a flagon crystal glass of chilled white wine!
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G'day Tommy. We have Slimy Mackerel here (salt water fish) I use them for bait, if I catch any, but I'm told they are good smoked. I'm also told that they are one of the healthiest fish in the ocean to eat, full of Omega 3. Of course I don't need Omega 3 as I drink Pepsi Max which is full of everything.
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Lynnie...by all means feel free...it's a classic...lol
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oooh! you are a sweetie...ta very much!
My pc man has installed Incredimail Gold on my pc...got heaps & heaps of stuff I can put in PB, so be prepared for your next "GIF WAR".
Here's just one sample:
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/31Aug-No_Problemo1.gif)
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Now off to eat my supper...made prawn cutlets (very messy job)...and laters off to bed, so will say Goodnight xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/24Aug-OldWoman.jpg)
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Goodnight Lynn, looks like those weary bones need a rest! :pmsl:
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Fine and dandy lynn as long as you don't mind me doing the dial up tag along and pinching some...lol.....I don't think I could even open something with a huge amount of images...so, hope you don't mind if I flog a few of yours...yum prawn cutlets.....*makes note to visit Lynn in Cairns for prawn dinner some time in the future*
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Lynn going to bed when im getting up..morning everyone
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yum prawn cutlets.....*makes note to visit Lynn in Cairns for prawn dinner some time in the future*
You would be very welcome Cupie! Only buy them (Australian green Banana prawns) when they're on special...get about 40 decent size ones to the kilo.
Pack them in freezer bags of 10...heaps for a feed for one (or sometimes two).
*wonders why Tommy thinks I have gone to bed alread...2 hours to go yet*
Found this for the next pub crawl...it's a doozy!
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Incredimail%20Gifs/BeerKeg.gif)
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CONGRATULATIONS......YOU HAVE WON.?
From: Australian Online Lottery (goegebest@btinternet.com)
Sent: 30 August 2009 12:57:36
To:
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Dear Lucky Winner,
Congratulations as we happily announce to you today
that the draw. Of the MICROSOFT AUSTRALIAN ONLINE
LOTTERY, online International Lottery program held
in Australia. Your e-mail
address attached to ticket number: G276017-487 with
Serial number 493-678 drew the lucky numbers:[
7-18-87-45-69-63 ].:
Batch: 25060766143-BTA/06
Lucky Draw Number: 7-18-87-45-69-63
Reference Number:MICROAA4/734-0
Amount Won..........$850,000.00usd
Contact Your claims agent MR.MOHAMED HASAN
email......(mohamedhasan135@yahoo.com)
phone.+234-8064898435.
With this information's
FULL NAME..............
OCCUPATION..........
NATIONALITY.............
DATE OF BIRTH...........
CONTACT ADDRESS...AND TELEPHONE NUMBER....
MICROSOFT AUSTRALIAN LOTTERY INC.
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Answers Tommy as I did in UK...
*on yer bike Tommy....no way*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Incredimail%20Gifs/FunnyBike.gif)
*is amazed I have NEVER received one of those emails*
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Lynn they must think you have enough money..and dont need anymore..they send them to poor me
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(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/hahalady.gif)
Got a week to go till next Pension day, and I'm already skint!
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Most of my junk mail is never even seen by me - it's automatically filtered.
But Tommy, when you truly win one of those, you know we'll expect you to hop onto a plane and come flying over to visit all of us here.
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will do will be on next plane
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Struck gold
Murphy had been told that the streets of London were paved with gold. Newly arrived in that fair city he was ambling along enjoying the morning air when he passed a pub outside which last night's rubbish had been stored in plastic bags. One had been kicked open and all over the pavement were gold tops from beer bottles.
'Gold,' said Murphy. 'I've struck a vein!'
Hurriedly he gathered all he could stuff into his pockets and marched into the pub.
Till have a double whiskey,' he called to the barman, and placed a bottle top on the counter.
'This is tin,' sneered the barman.
'Thank God,' said Murphy. 'I thought it was only five - I'll have two double whiskies.'
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'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'
'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'
'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.
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:rofl: :quack:
Very good Tommy..
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A roof for the rain,
Tea beside the fire,
Laughter to cheer you,
Those you love near you,
And all your heart might desire!
May you be in
Heaven a half hour before the
Devil knows you're dead!
When Irish eyes are smiling,
Tis like a morn in spring.
With a lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world is bright and gay
When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure, they steal your heart away.
May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?
May the best day of your past
Be the worst day of your future.
I'm looking over a four leaf clover
That I overlooked before
One leaf is sunshine, the second is rain,
Third is the roses that grow in the lane.
No need explaining the one remaining
Is somebody I adore.
I'm looking over a four leaf clover
That I overlooked before.
May you live to be a hundred years
With one extra year to repent.
May those who love us, love us
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts
And if he can't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping!
As you slide down the banister of life,
May the splinters never point in the wrong direction!
May luck be our companion
May friends stand by our side
May history remind us all
Of Ireland's faith and pride.
May God bless us with happiness
May love and faith abide.
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter
Lullabies, dreams, and love ever after.
Poems and songs with pipes and drums
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes.
That's the Irish for you!
There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle,
'Twas St. Patrick himself, sure, that sets it;
And the sun of his labor with pleasure did smile,
And with dew from his eye often wet it.
It grows through the bog, through the brake, through the mireland,
And they call it the dear little Shamrock of Ireland.
May your neighbors respect you,
Troubles neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And Heaven accept you.
May you have:
A world of wishes at your command
God and his angels close at hand
Friends and family their love impart,
And Irish blessings in you heart.
May God grant you many years to live,
For sure he must be knowing
The earth has angels all to few
And Heaven is overflowing.
These things I warmly wish to you-
Someone to love
Some work to do
A bit o' sun
A bit o' cheer
And a guardian angel always near.
Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night,
O Ireland isn't it grand you look
like a bride in her rich adornin?
And with all the pent up love of my heart
I bid you the top o' the mornin!
May the lilt of lush laughter lighten ever road,
May the midst of Irish magic shorten every road.
May you taste the sweetest pleasures
that fortune ever bestowed,
And may all your friends remember
all the favors you are owed.
Go mbeannai Dia duit
(May God Bless You)
May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.
God is good, but never dance in a small boat.
May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.
If you're enough lucky to be Irish...
You're lucky enough!My wild Irish rose
The sweetest flower that grows
You may search everywhere
But none can compare to my wild Irish rose
My wild Irish rose
The sweetest flower that grows
Someday for my sake she may let me take
A bloom from my wild Irish rose
'Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day,
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he's dead.
For each petal on the shamrock
This brings a wish your way-
Good health, good luck, and happiness
For today and every day.
Dance as if no one were watching,
Sing as if no one were listening,
And live every day as if it were your last.
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awwww Tommy...can ye hear me singing? (guess ye're lucky then)....(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Incredimail%20Gifs/RedRose.gif)
Good Evening Ozziekins xxxx
*loves frogs*
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Incredimail%20Gifs/FrogTongue.gif)
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Goodmorning 9.00am here
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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?" Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !" Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!
Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"
"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"
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888..Irish snipe
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*nicks all Tommy's Oirish jokes*
Goodnight folks xxxx
(http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa49/Lynnie_43/Incredimail%20Gifs/PeaceMan.gif)
Rissoles are cooked, and ready to heat with mash spuds & carrots, plus minted peas.
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Night Lynn. :kisshug:
Tommy, you have snaffled lots of snipes today, you old snipster you!!!!
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I love rissoles.
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Fluffy Nice to see you in uk ..Hi everyone
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Hi tommy, might have to wait for at least an hour until everyone has fought their way home through peakhour traffic.....
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I dont have that problem Cupie..
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BLESSINGS
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way.
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For Lynn...
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
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Goodmorning everyone..lovely day in Ireland..8.40am
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There were 3 men, one English man one Scots man and one Irish man. They were all sentenced to death by shooting so the police man took them around the back of the court to be shot. The English man was first, so he went up and waited, and the policeman said ready, aim, then the English man shouted 'blizzard'. While every one was looking for the blizzard, the man got away. So the Scots man did the same thing, except he yelled out 'duck' and he too got away. The Irish man steps up and when the policeman said ready, aim, the Irish man yelled FIRE!!!!
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Guess what comes next
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.... 900...:snipewin: :snipewin: :snipewin: :10: :10: :youaretheman: :youaretheman: :youaretheman:
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Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"
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Hello Tommy. I think you have gotten just about every snipe around on this board lately. ;D
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I never knew how handy that snipe emoticon would be when I was creating it.
(Well, I say "created", but what I mean is "used an existing emoticon as the basis for it".)
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Goodmorning you nice people
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And Good evening to you Tommy....
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Hi Cupie ..hows the World treating you
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IRISH DECLARE WAR ON SADDAM
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."
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Well Tommy, it's been beautiful weather here today in the first week of spring...the Jasmine is so strong it knocks you over...(I have lots of jasmine growing over things...love the smell). There's still a nip in the air, but that won't last long...I think many have been out enjoying the sun today, who could resist...bit like thawing out...You guys should be going in Autumn soon yes?
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Tommy, hello - it's 1:49 in the morning, and it's been a good evening after a really exhausting day.
The morning was a pale and lovely thing, although day grew into greyness like the silent veil of a quiet chill.
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*Waves hello to the Countess, Cupie, Tommy and Lynne.* :welcomedesk:
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Another great day rain..rain and rain
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A man stumbles up to the only patron in the bar and offers to buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Hello to all. It was a beautiful Father's Day, and the crême dubarry (cream of cauliflower soup - absolutely the most beautiful and velvety soup you can imagine) was perfect. My mother's potato salad is quite simply the best in the world. Family together on Father's Day is so nice... but my two adorable nieces have recently discovered "Doctor Who" (because I bought them the first series of "The Sarah Jane Adventures" on DVD) and they've raided almost my entire Doctor Who collection!
(I should never have told them where my Doctor Who DVDs were.)
Now it's past 7 p.m. in the evening. The beauty of the day has not seeped into the evening; it is cold, and dark as a roll full of licorice in the inside of a coal miner's pocket.
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8.45am and sunny..Goodnorning everyone
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A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar.
Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”
“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.
“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
Simon then says: “Same with me! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”
“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Bill and Simon look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
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I always enjoy your jokes, Tommy. In particular, the one about the accident had me grinning...
Low cunning.
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Goodmorning everyone....
A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."
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Goodmorning another new day and nice and sunny
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Countess. what's this "crême dubarry (cream of cauliflower soup)". Sounds shocking, I hate cauliflower. What about crême de la pup (Pluto Pup soup), beautiful!.
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What about crême de la pup (Pluto Pup soup), beautiful!.
Make mine a Double!
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Countess. what's this "crême dubarry (cream of cauliflower soup)". Sounds shocking, I hate cauliflower. What about crême de la pup (Pluto Pup soup), beautiful!.
*Barf*
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Hey Tello, You would make a fortune if you opened a food shop specialising in Pluto Pups. There's a recipe for them somewhere on one of these threads.
Behold, below is a picture of a Pluto Pup in all it's glory.
[attachment deleted by admin]
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/15.gif)
Better you have nice Greek Giros instead OK?.....The Pluto Pup, she is poisonous !!!
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Hi Cupie we keep missing each other..joke for today.................
A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day
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Outrage! Horror! Ugh!
In all seriousness, cream of cauliflower soup is utterly, utterly delicious. It's also simple to make. It's a gourmet soup made with barely an effort.
| INGREDIENTS: | |
| | • about 50g of butter (you can use margarine) |
| | • 2-3 tablespoons of plain flour |
| | • 900 ml white stock (make this from vegetables, or add chicken for additional flavouring. If you're the impatient type, I suppose you can use store-bought stock, o heathens) |
| | • a whole cauliflower (in florets - take it apart with your bare hands or just do a bit of chopping, whichever you prefer) |
| | • seasoning (really, only 2 pinches of salt; no pepper is necessary |
| | • 2 pinches of nutmeg - add a LITTLE more if you truly love nutmeg |
| | • 2 egg yolks |
| | • ½ to 1 cup of light thickened cream (depending upon whether you like cream or not) |
| METHOD: | |
| | Start by melting the butter; once it's melted, stir in the flour, then cook this for about 2 minutes. You can certainly do this in the microwave if you prefer that to the stove top.
Now carefully add a little of the stock, and mix it. Add the rest of the stock; mix thoroughly.
If you want to prepare the soup itself in the easiest way possible, have no fear - this recipe is microwave-friendly. Use a nice large microwave-proof pot, and put the stock mixture now into it. Add the cauliflower florets, and try to make sure they're covered, otherwise they'll get a nasty brownish colour. Cook/simmer for about 25 minutes.
Remove from the microwave, and blend this to a lovely velvety texture.
Now season to taste. Add the nutmeg, and stir.
Lightly beat the cream and egg yolks, then add to the soup. Stir lightly, and return to the microwave for a few minutes to reheat - MAKE SURE THE SOUP DOES NOT BOIL! If you boil the soup once the cream is added, it will curdle. Just a nice gentle reheat, and you're done.
If you want, you can garnish this with a few extra small florets of cauliflower, but you really don't need to do anything more to this soup, because it will be perfect just as it is. |
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Countess. "If you want, you can garnish this with a few extra small florets of cauliflower," I'd garnish it with a hand grenade, pin pulled!
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You like your soup HOT, do you? As in, EXPLODING with FLAVOUR?
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Yep sure do Countess. The beauty of a hand grenade garnish is that you still have 7 seconds to get out of the kitchen & under cover.
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I'll have some of that thanks countess....yummy.
We're having Fettuccine Boscaiola tonight for dinner...mushroom, bacon, creme, and fresh fettuccine with Garlic bread of course.
Hi Tommy....you're right, we keep missing each other..like ships in the night...how about that bomb they found in Oirland eh? was it anyway near you?.
where's lynnie?
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Lamb Pizzaiola..Cue....mmm~~ handed down through the generations.
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Yib. Lamb is good but, what's with the Pizzaiola, whatever that is?
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Yib. Lamb is good but, what's with the Pizzaiola, whatever that is?
Old Italian recipe Ubbrd.... it's baked in the oven ....exquisite.. it was passed on to me by my mum..from her mum and from her mum.. type it into google and there are variations of this dish...but none like mine.
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Goodmorning everyone..have I come to the cooking thread..ha..ha will try the soup..
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Hello, lovely Tommy - let us know how you like it!
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Hi Countessa..its time for breakfast..see you..bye
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(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)(http://i404.photobucket.com/albums/pp125/cueperkins/anijart.gif)
Hi Tommy...
Yum Yibby....Pizzaiola....but I'm-a like Scalopene or Chicken Pizzaiola..haven't tried lamb....yet.
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Hello Tommy and Cupie. Love the I dream of Jeanie gif Cupie.
Hello, lovely Tommy - let us know how you like it!
Countess, I'd have to say I was a little shocked when I first read this and then I realised that you were talking about cauliflower soup.... Or were you??????
Nice pic BTW!!!!!
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Merci, lovely Fluffy - and of course it's about the soup! It's always about the soup.
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Thanks Fluffy...I think Lynn will like that one too if she ever comes back....lol.
Soup...yes, love soup....Pumpkin soup is a major favourite (has to be butternut for me)....and Garlic bread...yep...that one's a definite favourite. (and a great liver cleansing vege is pumpkin)
Home made minestrone....yum...that's great.....
Potato and Leek Soup....definite winner
Chicken and Vege soup....yep...
(homemade of course)...none of this canned rubbish !!!
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Chicken and sweet corn.....but I like it from the Chinese Take-away...lol
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Friday..sunny in Ireland..and goodmorning everyone..8.10am
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Morning Tommy, it's going home time on Friday here so everyone will be no doubt battling Friday Arvo traffic.....Where's Lynn been lately?
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Hi Cupie Lynns still around in UK..
...
Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'
'I'm God,' said the stranger.
'Pardon?'
'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'
Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.
'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'
Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'
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Tags: Susan Boyle, Paul McCartney
I Am The Walrus, I Am The Eggman, I Am The Walrus... London -- Sir Paul McCartney, 68, is thinking of asking Scottish songbird Susan Boyle to replace John Lennon, as lead singer of The Beatles. The idea of reforming the Beatles has been on Sir Paul's mind for many years now. He hopes to reform the famous band, he said, "before the end of the century."
When Sir Paul first heard Susan Boyle sing last Spring, he burst into tears.
"She reminds me of John in drag!" said Sir Paul, who had very wide pupils and was struggling to stay seated upright. "I was sitting on the couch last night with Linda and we had the telly on. This dowdy bird comes on and sings one of me old songs. Me and Linda just looked at each other and started cryin'..." he said with a glazed look.
"I wanted to tell John [Lennon] about the idea, but he wasn't picking up the phone. I also wanted to tell George, but he stopped talking to me years ago, just like John. I don't know why." said the stoned old man.
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5000..watchers...Goodmorning everyone..lovely day here..nice and sunny..9.10am
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A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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Good Evening/Morning Tommy....we're a bit pre-occupied being pissed off with Ebay at the moment.....so don't be surprised if we're all preoccupied and militant and stuff...lol
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Goodmorning Cupie..will watch the boards for angry people....
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5000..watchers...Goodmorning everyone..lovely day here..nice and sunny..9.10am
:10: :10: :10: :youaretheman: :youaretheman: :youaretheman:
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Oh mighty snipe-lord, Tommy, :praise:
It's interesting... There's a strong solidarity that binds people together in adversity and against a common foe. Sometimes this can create truly horrendous bedfellows; sometimes it creates deep and lasting friendships; sometimes it's all just froth and flotsam in the ever-changing sea of those who lack internal direction; sometimes it makes a mighty force who will not be stopped or dissuaded against injustice.
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St Peter is sitting at the gates of heaven one fine afternoon when this man arrives up in a well pressed blue suit and asks if there would be any chance of gaining admission.
'Well says St Peter, 'I didn't get where I am today by letting every Tom, Dick and Harry walk through these gates. What sort of virtuous qualities do you have which would make me want to let you in?'
'Well says yer man, 'I was very devout. I went to church every Sunday morning, well or ill, all my life, and lived as a good Christian every other day of the week.'
'Umm, that's a good start says St Peter, 'but it's hardly good enough. There are boyos in here who went to church once a day, and three times on Sundays, and had to walk fourteen miles there and back summer and winter with no soles on the shoes of their feet.'
'Well says yer man, 'what about fidelity? I never once looked at another woman in all the fifty years I was married. And before I was married I was as pure as the first day of spring.'
'Unnm, that's highly commendable says St Peter, 'but you have to bear in mind that we're full to the brim in here with men of the cloth who spurned the sins of the flesh from the moment they were born until the day and hour they shuffled off their mortal coils.'
'I take your point says yer man. *What about bravery then?'
'Umm, yes, bravery has a lot going for it,' says St Peter.
'What's your record on the courage front?'
'Well,' says yer man, 'once I walked almost the entire length of the Falls Road singing "The Sash'' at the top of my voice and beating a Lam beg drum until I thought the skin would burst.'
'Oh?' says St Peter, 'and when was this, pray tell?'
'About five minutes ago says yer man.
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Sunday 9.40am and nice and sunny and goodmorning everyone
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Hello, Tommy. It is a dark cold evening here (of course).
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Evening Tommy and Countess.
I concur Countess, it is a cold and dark evening here. ;D
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WE are back to cold weather
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Goodmorning another new day..
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Who's The Boss
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
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Hi Tommy...just heading downstairs to make dinner.
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Cupie. Sweet & Sour Pluto Pups, beautiful Chinese tucker.
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try Peking Pluto .... mmmmmmm....
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Sound magnificent Smee, how about sauteed Pups or Pups in Oyster sauce.
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I'll have a dozen with anchovies!
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:sick:
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2 visuals nobody needs. I get that.
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Goodmorning...everyone..
Job Interview
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
...
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Goodmorning
Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.
Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.
'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'
'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'
'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'
But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'
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G'day Tommy. I like your Irish jokes they are great. It's good to be able to laugh at ourselves, some nationalities don't have that ability.
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for..Ubbrd..
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
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Yet another bit of brilliance from the pen of Tommy.
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Yet another bit of brilliance from the pen of Tommy.
He has The Eternal Fountain of Ink!
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lead in the pencil ?
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Full box of crayons.
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I love that joke, Tommy! That's how to woo a woman.
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Hi everyone its 8.40 am..and cloudy
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A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, 'Yes', and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
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Bluebell Troop, Brixton Boy Scouts, prepare for action Boy Scouts are no longer to be permitted to carry knives!
This shock report hit the Scout movement like a tidal wave only last week.
Lord Baden - Powell's grave has been observed to be smoking and there is a rumbling, rotating noise emanating from under the surface of the monument.
The Chief Scout, Lord Peter Mangelson (Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every Pie) is on record as sympathetic to the Boy Scouts' cause.
"There has been an upsurge in Scout-on-Scout knife attacks and we must remove the potential. I see no reason why these children should not be issued with small-calibre firearms to replace their knives" remarks The Dark Lord "and we will see to it that every armed Boy Scout has the opportunity to serve in Afghanistan.
"After all", Lord M continues, "these little bu***rs are mainly middle-class and have a sense of duty. We must encourage these young, cheap idealists to play a full part in the defence of the nation".
A passing Boy Scout was heard to remark "Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha, Ging gang goo, ging gang goo".
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*Waves to Tommy*
Hey Lynn where have ya been?
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Goodmorning Fluffy......
A man's been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
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LOL!
Ya can't go wrong with cripple jokes.
C):-{= <" theres a little bit of gimp in all of us... "<<
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Sunday morning 10.30am...........
Two Corkmen were escaping from a well-protected jail at night. All they had with them was a flashlamp, so when they reached the forty-foot wall surrounding the jail one Corkman said to the other:
'I'll shine the flashlamp up to the top of the wall and you climb up along the beam'.
'Hold on', said the second Corkman, 'how do I know that you won't switch off the lamp when I am halfway up?'
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Hi Monday 8.40 am
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'
'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'
'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'
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There is nothing more inarguable than an Irishman who's already eaten the only pie in sight.
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Hi everyone Tuesday 8.45am...
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were confessing their secret vices to each other.
'I'm a terrible gambler,' said The Englishman.
'I'm a terrible drinker,' said The Scotsman.
'My vice is much less serious,' said The Irishman, 'I just like to tell tales about my friends.'
Mirthful Joke
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were out fishing in a boat on a lake together and doing very well.
'This is a terrific spot for fishing,' said the Englishman. 'How will we know where this spot is next time?'
'I've thought of that,' said The Scotsman, 'I've just put a mark on the side of the boat.'
'You idiot,' said the Irishman, 'how do you know we will get this boat the next time?'
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Goodmorning another new day
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
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Hi tommy...hows things...just nicking off for dinner right now...cheers
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Hi tommy...hows things...just nicking off for dinner right now...cheers
Chuck a T-bone on for me darl..... ;)
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and a couple of Pluto Pups for me, pleeeeze.
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Gord Ubb.....don't those Pups repeat on you something fierce? or is the Pepsi to make you burp it all up? yuk
Yummy Dinner.....an Italian classic......It's called a Schnitzel & Cheese, created by a guy called Tony De Santis of Bill & Tony's Ristorante in Sydney. You take Round steak and cut it as thin as you can, crumb it and then fry it and set it aside. Meanwhile, heat up some Bolognaise sauce (which you've already cooked a big batch of ahead of time), and spread a layer of that over the steak, then top with Bega Cheese (there can be no other), a sprinkle of Oregano and a shake of paprika and under the grill she goes till bubbling. Then eat with crusty italian bread and plain old lettuce...that's right, no frills......and it's absolutely scrummy.
No pluto pup can come close....
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What about a Schnitzel Pup & cheese? How about a couple of them washed down with a pallet refreshing Pepsi Max? Sounds beautiful.
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I'll have a double!
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Yeah. A serving for Tello & me please.
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Goodmorning *************************************
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's
obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two
dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he
thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale"
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The unstopable tommy strikes again!
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The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.
The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.
The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either
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Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on
the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal
remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the
box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it
was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one
fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly
a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the
box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle
of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They
bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the
hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye
don't bump the gatepost again"
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Get yer own TV Show, tommy!
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
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LOL I needed a good laugh thanks Tommy and Hello!!!
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Snipe 1000
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1000 SNIPE :yess: :yess: :yess: :handshake: :handshake: :handshake: :snipewin: :snipewin: :snipewin: :congrats: :congrats: :congrats: :10: :10: :10: :youaretheman: :youaretheman: :youaretheman:
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********************************************************
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins
to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be
praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a
minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next
child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey,
Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you
think it's the light that's attracting them?"
****************************************
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Hot dog.
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God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven. The man says he'll try. A week goes past and God visits the man to see how he's getting on. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I had to make love to her there and then". They dont like that in heaven replies God.
>
>
>
>
The man says "They're not too happy about it in the supermarket either!"
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Imagine: a whole world full of tommys.
It would be wonderful!
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Imagine: a whole world full of tommys.
It would be wonderful!
Wouldn't be enough snipes to go around Tello.
Hi Tommy. :kisshug:
Congratulations on your snipe, you snipster you!!! :youaretheman: :youaretheman: :10: :winner:
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Anybody seen Yib? I'm lookin' for him....
Tell him I got a party invitation for the limey...
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/Skulls/Skulls-30.jpg)
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Goodmorning everyone 9.00am here
Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
'What's wrong with the nails?' he asked.
'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.'
'You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!.
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Saturday 9.15am Goodmorning
Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! smiled Paddy!
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Mornin Countessa.. your a goodlookin woman...
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I know where she lives.
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Thanks tellomon..its a long way for me to travel..ha..ha
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Nevada ain't no closer, dude.
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I have met the Countess a couple of times lately Tello...and she really is a beauty...with a heart to match.
If you get your backside down to these parts..I'll organise a meet up... ;D
I can probably arrange a meetup with just about anyone you would wish to meet....'cause I know lots of people..lol
But the Countess is definitely one you wouldn't want to miss out on.
Fluffy Duck is a looker too...I reckon you would probably have the hots for her...lol
But ...your ass is mine..lol :evil:
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Yes roo I have met the ladies in question...... (http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/hubbahubba.gif)
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Us Aussie sheilas are are a pretty good assortment too...don't ya think Yib?
I reckon Tello could do worse than come down here and have a gander.
Aussie women are usually good cooks, lovers, internet experts, hosts, drinkers, and just all round top stuff! ;D
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Us Aussie sheilas are are a pretty good assortment too...don't ya think Yib?
I reckon Tello could do worse than come down here and have a gander.
Aussie women are usually good cooks, lovers, internet experts, hosts, drinkers, and just all round top stuff! ;D
You forgot... good at lawn mowing...LOL
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Oh Darn! I forgot about the lawns.
I actually pay a man to do them for me...because I work full time and can afford to...lol
But I have been known to push the mower around in earlier years...good exercise, fresh air....and my man (at the time) could sit on his big A watching me..lol
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I have met the Countess a couple of times lately Tello...and she really is a beauty...with a heart to match.
If you get your backside down to these parts..I'll organise a meet up... ;D
I can probably arrange a meetup with just about anyone you would wish to meet....'cause I know lots of people..lol
But the Countess is definitely one you wouldn't want to miss out on.
Fluffy Duck is a looker too...I reckon you would probably have the hots for her...lol
But ...your ass is mine..lol :evil:
You're making me HOT!
:crayfish:
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Goodmornin to you all
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You missed the day here tommy......
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I lost most of the day hiding from the wind.
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Murphy couldn't resist the offer in his local paper. 'World cruise-£200 all in.'
Full of beans, he paid his fare and boarded the liner. On deck he showed his ticket and was immediately chained to an oar, along with hundreds of others. Suddenly a huge black man appeared and began banging a drum. At the same time six sturdy sailors walked amongst the oars beating people with bullwhips until they pulled their weight.
'This is a disgrace,' said Murphy, wincing with pain and exertion.
'This is the twentieth century, and slavery has been abolished. When I get home I'll complain to the United Nations. I can't believe it. And what about that fellow on the big drum?'
'Well,' said Rafferty, 'he's not as good as the bloke we had last year!'
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That's a Drummer joke, right?
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'You on the scaffolding - you're fired!' shouted the foreman from below.
'What did you say?' shouted Pat cupping his ear.
'You - get your cards - you're fired!'
'Can't hear you,' shouted Pat.
'I said you're fired,' screamed the boss.
'What?' called Pat.
'Never mind,' muttered the foreman to himself. I'll sack somebody else.'
'You do,' bellowed Pat, 'and I'll have the union on you!'
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:o
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This link is for Tellomon only... http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf
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Was told off on ebay.. someone reported me about the boob censor...they dont have any fun
show details 9:50 AM (5 hours ago)
Dear tommy.irene,
It has recently come to our attention that one of your posts on our Community
Boards breached our Boards Usage policy.
The public chat, help and discussion boards on eBay are intended to be a
helpful, educational and enjoyable place to meet and converse with other
members. As such, courteous and respectful postings are expected from all
participants. It's against eBay rules to use inappropriate language or post
certain types of material.
Here's a copy of the post in question:
tommy.irene (88 ) View Listings | Report 28-09-09 09:37 BST
24835 of 24836
This link is for Al* ONLY AND NO ONE ELSE
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf
TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL
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Tommy, best you leave your boobs here, I'll look after them, they'll be safe with me....LOL
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keep abreast of the situation eh Yibs
dont get caught fondling the screen ... you will feel like a right tit
not everyone agrees with that sort of stuff ... you will get your knockers
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keep abreast of the situation eh Yibs
dont get caught fondling the screen ... you will feel like a right tit
not everyone agrees with that sort of stuff ... you will get your knockers
Quite witty Smee (anyway I thought so, being a fella)
:wine:
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Tuesday 9.00am..Goodmorning everyone
A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.
"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."
A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.
"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"
"Certainly," replied the Doctor.
"Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."
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ahhhhh gutter humour !
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Yo tommy wheres the boobs?
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I love gutter humour. I hate asparagus
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Ubb...is there any vegetable you will eat?
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How sweetly lies old Ireland Emerald green beyond the foam, Awakening sweet memories Calling the heart back home
May your troubles be less And your blessing be more And nothing but happiness Come through your door
The Harp that once through Tara’s hills The soul of music shed, Now hangs as mute on Tara’s walls As if that soul were fled So sleep the pride of former days, So Glory’s thrill is o’er- And the hearts that once Beat high for praise Now feel that pulse no more.
Whenever there is happiness Hope you’ll be there too, Wherever there are friendly smiles Hope they’ll smile on you, Whenever there is sunshine, Hope it shine especially For you to make each day for you As bright as it can be.
May this home and all therein
be blessed with God’s love
A BLESSING FOR YOU AND YOURS
May the grace of God’s protection
And His great love abide
Within your home-within the hearts
Of all who dwell inside.
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Yeah Cupie, I love chips.
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McPoem.
:beer:
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Goodmorning everyone
Murphy had been on the firing range for over an hour and hit nothing.
'It's no good,' he said to the corporal. 'I'll never make a soldier. I'm going off to shoot myself.'
Take plenty of ammunition,' advised the corporal.
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"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !" Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!
Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"
"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"
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Spotted you again, Tommy! All I need do is follow the trail of jokes around, and I am sure to find you.
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Goodmorning Countessa and everyone else
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'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
'Spread out in a bunch.'
'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
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Hi Tommy.....really hot over here today....scorcher for this time of year approx 30 degrees....Extreme Fire Alert all the way up the and down the coast....but thankfully, no wind....Having a good old fashioned Steak Sandwich and h/made chips for tea tonight...bit like a pub counter lunch...lol...without going to the pub.
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Feels nice being out of "Lock Up", don't it?
:gaol:
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They don't have steak sandwiches in the lock up do they?
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You were not in there long enuff to find out. And I'm not tellin'.
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the Hell out of me!'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
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One for Tommy.
[attachment deleted by admin]
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It's endless....
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But it's HIS thread tello......live and let live....you have 20 threads of your own...lol...you can't say anyone is a 'favourite'....lol.
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Forgot to mention...Tommy is Irish...Many Aussies have Oirish heritage......and so, we love Oirish humour......hehehehe....
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Goodmorning 9.45am here
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Yo tommy !.........onehunglow to ya....LOL
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HI Tommy...Queens Birthday long weekend over here...so we have tourists absolutely EVERYWHERE !!!
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Forgot to mention...Tommy is Irish...Many Aussies have Oirish heritage......and so, we love Oirish humour......hehehehe....
Don't get me wrong. It's refreshing to know that there's peeps in the world who are more talented than me.
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Hills as green as emeralds
Cover the countryside
Lakes as blue as sapphires-
And Ireland’s special pride
And rivers that shine like silver
Make Ireland look so fair-
But the friendliness of her people
Is the richest treasure there
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Yep, I've seen and walked on those hills Tommy. Very nice. ;D
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Hi Fluffy duck
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Hi Tommy...hows things...?
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Hi Cupie..things are great .suns starting to shine here
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It's been raining here the last few days...Friday was torrential, but we did need it....so I'm not complaining...we have a lot of sunshine in Oz and we're always in need of rain...lol.... you guys must be the other way around....maybe we take it for granted...
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Hello to everyone. Greenness... how lovely. I see that Victoria (wasn't it called the garden state at one time?) is becoming less green with the water problem.
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Hi Countessa we are starting to get a storm here
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Hello Tommy.
I hope you have a good umbrella.
;D
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I got the watchers snipe 6000 :yess: :yess: :yess: :youaretheman: :youaretheman: :youaretheman:
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Heavy rain today
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We got rain this afternoon, through sunshine...really nice.
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big rainbow over sydney tonight driving home, was a classic, wide, colourful etc
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and the pot of gold ended guess where.... the loo
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other end was some building in george st.
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Well, well - coincidentally I saw a rainbow tonight as I was driving home. It was in its evanescent final shimmering few moments. I pulled over, stopped, took a picture with my iPhone... I don't know how it turned out, as the rainbow was fading quickly .
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In an attempt to keep up with Tommy, I submit the following
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don’t you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had told a donkey to f %#& off once.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And this also
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What’s his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
:wine:
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Great jokes Barney....
?Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!
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An alien craft is circling the earth and their sentient life alarm sounds, so they land.
Unfortunately its a Sunday in Arizona and they land behind a garage behind the repair bay, and nothing is happening so they shout to each other "ZZorg hhhssd ttyt" and kick the sentient life sensor and take off again
As they're going up the sentient life alarm goes crazy
Beep beep beep so they say again "ZZorg hhhssd tyt" and reland, but this time they land in front of the garage and they see the petrol pumps, and they approach the first pump and say "Take me to your leader" but there is no reply, so they get well angry and move to the second pump and say "Take me to your leader". Still no answer.
Now they are really wild, and move to the third pump; and by this time they have their ray guns at the ready and they say "Take me to your leader otherwise we will vapourize you!" But still no answer.
They pull their triggers-but they don't know that there's 20,000 gallons of gas under the pumps, there is a huge esxplosion and they get blown out into the desert, landing close to their craft, stunned but alive. They get up shaking their heads and one turns to the other and says" You know, I knew they were hard bastards when I saw tem standing in a row with their cocks stuck in their ears"
.
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An alien craft is circling the earth and their sentient life alarm sounds, so they land.
Unfortunately its a Sunday in Arizona and they land behind a garage behind the repair bay, and nothing is happening so they shout to each other "ZZorg hhhssd ttyt" and kick the sentient life sensor and take off again
As they're going up the sentient life alarm goes crazy
Beep beep beep so they say again "ZZorg hhhssd tyt" and reland, but this time they land in front of the garage and they see the petrol pumps, and they approach the first pump and say "Take me to your leader" but there is no reply, so they get well angry and move to the second pump and say "Take me to your leader". Still no answer.
Now they are really wild, and move to the third pump; and by this time they have their ray guns at the ready and they say "Take me to your leader otherwise we will vapourize you!" But still no answer.
They pull their triggers-but they don't know that there's 20,000 gallons of gas under the pumps, there is a huge esxplosion and they get blown out into the desert, landing close to their craft, stunned but alive. They get up shaking their heads and one turns to the other and says" You know, I knew they were hard bastards when I saw tem standing in a row with their cocks stuck in their ears"
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Now this is what I'm talking about !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL 10/10*********
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A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
-
An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'
Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'
Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'
Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'
Irene gives the policeman her driving license.
The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'
For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'
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I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
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Never mind. We'll care on your behalf. A sort of proxy-care system.
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Fluffy cares.... :grouphug:
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Hi everyone
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Hi Tommy. :kisshug:
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Tommy, hello - :leprachaun: How is this as an Irish emoticon for you?
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I love the hat Countessa...Hi Fluffy ... :kisshug:
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Hi tommy...you should think yourself lucky...not everyone has their own emoticon....Poddy and I don't..... :hanky:
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Blardy 'ell...
Tommy has lost his hat... And I believe he is offering a huge reward for it's return.
:wine:
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Who took my hat..please return it..me heads cold
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Hello Tommy. What kind of shirt are you wearing? You look like a preacherman or something.
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Hello Tommy. What kind of shirt are you wearing? You look like a preacherman or something.
Undertaker's costume, sans Top Hat?
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Yeah. I was wondering that. Hey Tommy, are you a man of the cloth?
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Thats a laught
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Hi everyone another lovely day
-
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
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Saturday again
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Same here.
Friday night is a blurrrrrr.
I'll hear about it Sunday.
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Have ya found ya hat yet Tommy? :goodluck:
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Someone has it Fluffy.
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes."
...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
.....
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SNIPE 1100 :snipewin: :snipewin: :snipewin: :10: :10: :10:
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Hey, ya found ya hat!!!
Where'd ya find it????
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Countessa had it ..Fluffy
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This is me, denying I ever had Tommy's hat.
:innocent:
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Well you'd have to admit Tommy that your lovely hat goes with her mask so very nicely!!!!
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No doubt about it Tommy. it's a pretty nifty hat. It would look good on my melon when I'm shooting arrows.
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Your not getting my hat Ubbrd.... :archer:
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(http://www.printedclothing.com/contents/media/pc487%20irish%20i%20were%20drunk.jpg)
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(http://www.printedclothing.com/contents/media/pc487%20irish%20i%20were%20drunk.jpg)
You are!
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/CreepyPig.gif)
:marvin: :marvin: :marvin: :marvin: :marvin: :marvin: :marvin: :marvin: :marvin:
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crissed as a picket ?
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(http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn211/hetroclite/Humor/Drunk_Kitty.jpg)
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Hey Tello. Is that a vampire pig? Check the teeth.
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:huh:
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ubbrd got the 1111 snipe :yess: :yess: :yess: :archer:
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It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse
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(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/SHAM_115.gif)
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Heavy rain today
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Hello Tommy.
Nice and sunny today here in Melbourne.
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Another new day
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It was so warm today in Melbourne, Tommy, that I thought with dismay about the summer to come.
Fluffy, do you get the feeling we're in for an absolutely ghastly summer, fire-wise? I'm hoping and praying it won't be as I fear.
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Yes, Tessa I do fear it will be a long hot summer. I am hoping that the rain we have had continues so fire prone areas aren't tinder dry.
*Hello Tommy*
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Hi Fluffy & Countessa
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Oh dear... I've got a function to attend on Saturday, and I had planned on dressing in my Elizabethan costume, but it is almost certainly going to be WARM!
Hello, Fluffy, Tommy, and of course posters-of-days-ago, Yib, Ubbrd, Tello, Smee and others (but if your name didn't come up in the last page of posters, you're not specifically mentioned, so there!).
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Goodmorning all you nice people
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The sun is shining today
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I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'
'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons
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Good evening Tommy ;D
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Hi Fluffy Duck
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At least the UK board has been behaving itself of late. It's slow, and gluggy, but those are things to which we're accustomed...
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Hi Countessa thats because there is nice people here....
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Another new day and the sun is shining
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There's thunderstorms and rain here Tommy.
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Fluff you must have copped the ones that came through my place an hour ago.....
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WE got heavy rain now [fluffy sent it]
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Fluffy doesn't realise that those cute little yellow gift boxes of "A little bit of Melbourne" she sends around the world are the cause of all the climate problems.
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Its still raining
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FLUFFY! What hast thou wrought? See how you're deluging poor Tommy?
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MAD DUCK!
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/ODD%20Stuff/Bizaar%20Pics%20and%20Gifs/MonsterChick.jpg)
Run for it!!!
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MAD DUCK!
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/ODD%20Stuff/Bizaar%20Pics%20and%20Gifs/MonsterChick.jpg)
Run for it!!!
:bigcalibre: :tello:
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MAD DUCK!
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/ODD%20Stuff/Bizaar%20Pics%20and%20Gifs/MonsterChick.jpg)
Run for it!!!
:bigcalibre: (http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/ODD%20Stuff/lobster.gif)
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:duckling: ;D :evil:
:tinfoilhat: :goodluck: :filenails:
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Leave the little Duck alone..you Bully..here Fluffy this is for you.. :coffeecup: :choc: :choc: :choc: :choc: :choc:
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:duckling: ;D *Thanks for the choccie Tommy*
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GULF WAR HERO
It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red Adare'. Red Adare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.
The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red haired Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddys walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!"
The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that truck!"
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G'day all. this is for Tommy.
[attachment deleted by admin]
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Hi hope everyones happy ..... Thanks Ubbrd
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Slow 2nite.....
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Hi hope everyones happy ..... Thanks Ubbrd
Tommy's got no clothes on !!!!
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Yer avatard sucks, too!
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Yer avatard sucks, too!
I'm getting paid to be funny whats your excuse ?....
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Community Service!
(Tello Files going to 12K!!!)
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The clothes are on the bottom half
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Plaid, no doubt?
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Kilt...?
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Bite yer pillow already!
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Hope everyone is at peace with the world
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G'day Thomas , top of ta mornin' to ya
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Hi Smee
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Yo tommy..your clothes are still missing?...is it hot over there?...LOL
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Afternoon Tommy, have you had any sunshine today or is it still raining?
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Today Saturday and the Sun is shining
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Hello Tommy!!! :welcomedesk:
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My Award Winning Designer Firewood is working fabulously!
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(http://i571.photobucket.com/albums/ss152/fluffy_duckee/middle_finger.jpg)
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Goodday everyone
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Hi Tommy ....
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Hello Tommy
(http://i975.photobucket.com/albums/ae234/acaciame/AvatarAustraliaKangarooJumping.gif)
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Hi ..just passing by
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Hi tommy, how ya doing ?.... weather good today?...
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Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
-
What are Irish nurses famous for?
Waking patients up to take their sleeping tablets
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Two Irish nurses walk into a bar.
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ANd buy Tello a drink
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
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Rain..rain and more rain today..
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Hello Tommy. You are looking very pretty today. ;D
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Yes Fluffy I asked Irene take my place today
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Irenes away home..
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Irenes away home..
Do you mean 'er indoors ?
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Irenes away home..
Do you mean 'er indoors ?
Nah.... "She who must be obeyed"
:wine:
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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and told her he would wait around the corner in case she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way.
She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.
The husband told her to tell the client $100.
She went back and informed the client at which he cried,
"That's was too much! How much for a handjob?"
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said, "Ask for $40".
The woman ran back and informed the client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear.
Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was extremely well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment.
She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked,
"Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
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Nice day here
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It was a perfect day in Melbun today too Tommy!
The gardens are looking all fresh and green....and people's tempers have abated.
People get so cranky when it's too hot.
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Roo, you're right - the rain was deliciously refreshing; it certainly cleared the mugginess of the air.
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Very stormy in Ireland ..70mph winds
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Storms have gone..nice and sunny
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It's muggy here, yet not really hot... The atmosphere is like a swimmy water tank, which someone's forgot to fill.
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Another sunny day
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All night long, it rained.
It rained, and rained, and rained.
I had the window slightly open, to let in the cool air, and still it rained, and rained, and rained.
And yet... we're still only at 38% water storage capacity. http://www.melbournewater.com.au/content/water_storages/water_report/water_report.asp
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i wont tell u uts a beautiful day here then and that i am taking my son to manly for a swum.....lol
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uf any other posters are going to manly, i am the guy wuth the son and the swummers on
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and the kiwi accent.... lol u r sure to find me
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ozzies wuld love to talk loike us teloooo, i will teach you how to flatten your vowels when u arrive so you fit in better....
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they would also like to beat the all blacks at rugby ....
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Flocking weirdo!
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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and told her he would wait around the corner in case she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way.
She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.
The husband told her to tell the client $100.
She went back and informed the client at which he cried,
"That's was too much! How much for a handjob?"
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said, "Ask for $40".
The woman ran back and informed the client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear.
Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was extremely well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment.
She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked,
"Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
lol tommy, hilarious!
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Thanks
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Another new day... :santasleigh:
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Yo tommy !.........
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Santa is checking the UK board as well, wondering what to bring them... and also cursing the fact that, while his outfit is appropriate for a white Christmas there, it's completely inappropriate in Australia where red shorts and singlet (sans any fur trimming at all) might be better suited to this climate at Christmas...
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THE NEW PRIEST
Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shite! What happened next"
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1200 Snipe.. :snipewin: :snipewin: :snipewin:
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Your early tommy ?.... how ya going?....
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Goodmorning everyone
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Hello Tommy and Irene
Guess it is raining in mighty Ireland.. :rofl: :rofl:
Hope you have a wonderful Christmas
Westie :ivanhoe:
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A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist,
badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and
coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that
Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour
Richard Cranium who knows bu***r all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'
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LOL YIBBY
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Merry Christmas Everyone..
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Girlie Wisdom!
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
LIVE SIMPLY.....LAUGH OFTEN....LOVE DEEPLY
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Goodmorning everyone..
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good night Tommy ... Smee Enterprises is shutting up shop for a couple of hours shut eye
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Goodmorning
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HI! Could somebody get this demon off my shoulder, pls?
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/ShowLetter-11.jpg)
SEND HELP....
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I can help get rid of him
(http://i625.photobucket.com/albums/tt336/smeeagain61/EatPussy.jpg)
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Do you eat ducks too
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I have no doubt that Smee has had his share of Peking Duck.
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and aussey duck to..
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Hi Tommy :indupitably:
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Morning Tommy
Morning Al
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And hello, Tommy - you've stripped off again! The weather must be terrific on the island, hmm?
Hello, Al**Bear - It's been too long since you posted here. I see you've spotted the "indubitably" emoticon, which is certainly one of my favourites.
(And hello again, Yvonne!)
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:duckling:
Hi Al.... Great to see ya
and aussey duck to..
:flash: :scared:
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Good Morning or Arvo Peeps :busstop:
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Afternoon Al....long time no see....welcome back...hi fluffy
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Hi Cupie
7.50 am here
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Has it been as cold in the UK as we've been hearing?....we're imagining a whole lot of brass monkeys running around looking for welders...lol
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In my area we were below freezing from Dec 18 till last Monday, we had temps as low as -14 C but mostly about -3 C
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5.55 Monday evening here - and it's actually a lovely day at the moment. The sky is baby blue, the light is clear and rapturous...
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Brrrhhhhhh!!!.....We've been having absolute heat waves over here... 45 degree days for some regions, and even on the coast, it's been pushing 41 degrees and over .
So where are those other two...embsie and logsie?......I see logsie popped in last night too?....
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I'm talking to Countessa and Embsie on the UK RT right now ;)
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G'day Al ... great to hear from you , hope all is well
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Can you post the link here Al?...so it's easier to find ya's?....
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http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1100254966&tstart=0&mod=1264398194026
http://forums.ebay.co.uk/thread.jspa?threadID=1200334552&tstart=0&mod=1264398497558
... Those two will do.
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Hi Smee mate
Hows it hanging ? :handshake:
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Vonnie's tellin fibs...lol....she said that we never recovered from embsie and logsie's last visit...it isn't true.....we're made of much tougher stuff than that....
Embsie reckons we pelted him with emu eggs....not likely, their endangered, and you wouldn't want mama emu to catch ya steeling her eggs,.....crikey she might kick your dunny down.....
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Hi Smee mate
Hows it hanging ? :handshake:
like a Vincent Van Gogh!
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I have no doubt that Smee has had his share of Peking Duck.
cooked Peking Duck for lunch today had it wrapped in thin chinese pancake spread with hoisin sauce and added spring onion and cucumber ....... lovely !!!!!
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Has all the UKers gone home ????
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They seem to drop in from time to time Tommy, but I guess home is the UK RT...of course...just like this is our home...
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Hey Smee, what's with the spring onion and cucumber caper thing? Shocking way to ruin a good feed.
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Just like me Cupie..only call in to house to look for mail
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No mail today..
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expect heaps on valentines day Tommy !
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I expect one from Irene on valentines day
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I expect one from Irene on valentines day
and a card too ?
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I suspect choccy in the bag.
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Hope i get choc :mobbing: :mobbing: :mobbing:late
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Loving chocolate is a beautiful gift. Cheap chocolate is an insult from an enemy.
(Excerpt from "Wise Sayings of the Inscrutable Chocolate Lover")
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I'm not sure where to post this piece of information but, we Australians & our British friends deserve to know;
Do you remember February 1993 in England , when a young boy of 3 was taken from a Liverpool shopping centre by two 10-year-old boys?
Jamie Bulger walked away from his mother for only a second, Jon Venables took his hand and led him out of the mall with his friend Robert Thompson. They took
Jamie on a walk for over 2 and a half miles, along the way stopping every now and again to torture the poor little boy who was crying constantly for his mummy.
Finally they stopped at a railway track where they brutally kicked him, threw stones at him, rubbed paint in his eyes, pushed batteries up his anus and cut his fingers off with scissors. Other mutilations were inflicted but not reported in the press.
N.B. :- Remember, a 3year old cannot possibly defend themselves against a 10 year old, let alone of 2 them.
What these two boys did was so horrendous that Jamie's mother was forbidden to identify his body.
They then left his beaten small body on railway tracks so a train could run him over to hide the mess they had created. These two boys, even being boys, understood what they did was wrong, hence trying to make it look like an accident.
This week Lady Justice Butler-Sloss has awarded the two boys ( now men ), anonymity for the rest of
their lives when they leave custody with new identities. They will also leave custody early only serving just over half of their sentence.
They are being relocated to Australia to live out the rest of their lives. They disgustingly and violently took Jamie's life away and in return they each get a new life!
Why must we accept such vile creatures from another country?
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Sickening.
Sickening in every respect.
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Meanwhile, Justice is nowhere to be found......
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I agree Ubbrd. That is terrible and why should we be lumbered with the rotters.
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The law is not for an honest person..its free tv in prison and food....
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Goodmorning all you nice people.....
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G'day Tommy, how ya going?
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Thats 14 Feburary over for another year....
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kept your valentine happy did you Tommy ?
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Yes Smee sent her a email...ha..ha
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good to hear Tommy ...
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Yes Smee sent her a email...ha..ha
What did you promise in the email Tommy?
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If it was chocolate-related, I may demand a chocolate toll...
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Chocolate troll?
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Good to see this up and running again..
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hello young man ... welcome back , it has been so hard for anyone to get in .....
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i blame the missus
;D
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typical ... :neener:
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:indupitably:
:rofl: :rofl:
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(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/ODD%20Stuff/caver.gif)
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Irene says she didnt break it..
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New month..wont be long to Christmas..
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Yes Tommy, not long at all. Even quicker to Easter and those lovely chocolate bunnies and eggs....
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
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Hi im back again...
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G'Day Tommy. ;D
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Hi Tommy & cute little Fluffy one
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Hi Fluffy and Smee,,Hope you are ok..
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ST PATRICKS day today ..Have a good day all you Irish people
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Yo Thomas !! have a green beer on me !
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Ok Yibida ..thanks
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Where is everyone....
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ST PATRICKS day today ..Have a good day all you Irish people
Have a good one Tommy...remember as Kermit always said...it isn't easy being green !!!!
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Its all over for another year....
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Hi Tommy!!! Make sure you don't get sunburnt won't you?
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Hi Lady Fluffy.. i wish i had done this years ago..
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the day after ....
<a href="http://picpoke.com/im/295wa60" target="_blank">[img width= height= alt=Image search at PicPoke.com" border="0]http://lh4.ggpht.com/_JoYo0OUUqmE/Rg0zjYehc8I/AAAAAAAAAIk/A-u4cdNsAx0/s512/Ireland%202007%20114.jpg[/img][/url]
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the day before ...
<a href="http://picpoke.com/im/t9fby8" target="_blank">[img width= height= alt=Image search at PicPoke.com" border="0]http://lh4.ggpht.com/__0we3SzAPrk/R1r7YD91JWI/AAAAAAAAD3Y/nXmXttDf-k8/s512/IMG_0186.JPG[/img][/url]
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The day after was drunk people sleeping on the streets..
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that caption on the pic (not there) says st patricks itself, must be nice to celebrate it at st patricks have you ever been there tommy?
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Yes..St Patricks day is all over the World were there is Irish..
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goodmorning everyone..
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:duckling: *Good morning Tommy....
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:tello: Hup!
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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
' Excuse me, Your Holiness, ' says the driver, ' Would you please take your seat so we can leave? '
' Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the Pope, ' they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today. '
' I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? ' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
' Who's going to tell? ' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
' Please slow down, Your Holiness! ' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens...
' Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job! ' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
' I need to talk to the Chief, ' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
' So bust him, ' says the Chief.
' I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, ' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason! '
' No, I mean really important, ' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, ' Who do you have there, the mayor? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '
Chief: ' A senator? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '
Chief: ' The Prime Minister? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '
' Well, ' said the Chief, ' who is it? '
Cop: ' I think it's God! '
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ' What makes you think it's God? '
Cop: ' His chauffeur is the Pope! '
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A copper is driving through a deserted wood when he hears somebody screaming for help. On investigating, he finds a man in much distress, tied naked to a tree.
"My life is over!" He wails.
"Never mind about all that, tell me how you came to be tied naked to a tree." Replies the copper, opening his notebook.
"Well, I'm driving my gov'nor's Rolls and although I'm not meant to, I pick up a couple of girl hitchhikers. To cut a long story short, the suggest we pull into the side of the road for a bit of you-know-what. Next thing I know, they've drugged me, stolen my wallet, tied me to a tree and driven off in the gov'nor's Rolls."
The copper starts chuckling and starts running his hands across his butt.
"Hey, man! What the hell are you doing?" He protests. He then screams in terror as he feels something hard pressing against his body - NOT his truncheon! The copper procedes to strip off, still luaghing.
"Yes, you're absolutely right, Sir. It's just not you day, is it?"
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wskT6YfVB6E
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Goodmorning everyone...
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Hi Tommy !... don't forget the sunscreen !...
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Ok Yibida i wont forget..
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April fools day...
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Thats another day over...
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Yep and now it's Easter Sunday... (In Australia anyway)
For GR8, instead of chocolate, I thought he'd like eye candy ==> (http://i571.photobucket.com/albums/ss152/fluffy_duckee/HappyEasterWomanFlowersRetroFlowers.gif)
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(http://i571.photobucket.com/albums/ss152/fluffy_duckee/HappyEasterWomanFlowersRetroFlowers.gif)
Hey! That's me Mum!
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Happy Easter Everyone..
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Is Everyone back to work tomorrow...
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no need to use that sort of language Tommy !
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Smee you dont work..your to busy with Fluffy duck..ha..ha
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Weres Fluffy.... :winner: :buttkick: :monalisa: :plane: :happebali: :notworking:
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:duckling: *I'm right here Tommy.......
Now where did Tommy hide the chocolate? Hmmmmmm
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I'm the lone Australian from this forum posting on the UK boards. *sniff*
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:blownose: :'( :hanky: :violin:
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surely yer i-phone has a ukforumbuddyapp you can use for some company countless?
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:duckling:
*puff* *puff* *gasp*
Just flown to the UK and back......
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see you in Tommys secret room if your tired wings need a soothing rub
(http://i625.photobucket.com/albums/tt336/smeeagain61/pollito.gif)
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I'm the lone Australian from this forum posting on the UK boards. *sniff*
Ill hold your hand
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Hi everyone...................
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Hello, Tommy.
I'll bet it's warmer where you are; Melbourne is shivering.
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Yes Tessa, now it is colder, looking at Tommy's bare chest makes me feel cold. I keep thinking he should put a jumper on, whereas in reality it should actually be sun screen.
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(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/12-30-09%20Random/New%20Years%20Day%202010a/NewYearsDay1010.jpg) (http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/12-30-09%20Random/New%20Years%20Day%202010a/NewYearsDay1007.jpg) (http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/12-30-09%20Random/New%20Years%20Day%202010a/NewYearsDay1008.jpg)
:snowstorm: :roflmao:
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:duckling:
My what interesting sign writing you have over the Tello.
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*grafitti*
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I think its Pizzweak !
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I think its piss writing... though the snow was gone..
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Some UK planes are allowed to fly again..
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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray .. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays ... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays ... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself .... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this .... Buy a ticket."
A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you’ve been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party
Lost are
An elephant asked the camel:
'Why are your breasts on your back?'
'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an
inappropriate question from somebody
whose dick is on his face.
@ #1
.
Mission aborted
AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM
Of course I love ya darling, you're a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you're gorgeous, I mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab,
It means that when I'm ready, there's something there to grab.
So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya, I can get my arms round there.
No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts,
They just gave in to gravity, but I know ya did yer best
I'm telling you the truth now, I never tell ya lies,
I think it's very sexy that you've got dimples on your thighs.
I swear on my Nana's grave now, the moment that we met,
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get.
No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear.
Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer.
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 03:35 BST 7 of 3693
THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
' Hello?' she cried, but no answer.
'Is there anyone here?' she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
The female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around.
Again, she yelled at the top of her voice,
'HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
'We're down here.'
HOW TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED ADVANCEMENTS
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
c
He: You look like a picture
She: So do you, you should be hung!!!
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 11:
wildly_idle (0 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:03 BST 11 of 3693
I was in the bakers earlier today and I thought I saw a
loaf with your name on it,but on looking closer I
realised it actually said "Thick Cut"
ronnie-*8slaps*-dog (11 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:04 BST 12 of 3693
PMSL
tas_7 (46 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:10 BST 13 of 3693
Young nun...in the land of nod...
Thought she'd been visited by God...
But...it wasn't the almighty...
That crept up her nightie...
It was Roger the lodger...the sod...!
tas_7 (46 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 14:27 BST 14 of 3693
Woman walks into a fishmongers...stands in the queue and eventually reaches the counter...
"Can I have some cod please?"...she says to the fishmonger...
"Sorry love"...answered the fishmonger..."we haven't any cod left"...
The lady leaned over and whispered..."If you could spare a bit of the cod you keep under the counter for your special customers...I'll pay extra"...
"Sorry"...the fishmonger repeated..."there is no cod"...
The lady moved away the counter and rejoined the queue...
Eventually...she reached the counter again...
"Can I have some cod please?"...she asked the fishmonger again...
The fishmonger looked at the woman...and shouted..."look love...I haven't got any f.c.o.d."...!!!
The woman looked quizzically at the fishmonger and remarked..."there's no 'f' in cod"
"I know"...said the fishmonger..."I've just told you twice"....
lizmcloughlin2001 (2196 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:20 BST 15 of 3693
Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the
answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an
elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You
lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again
replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster.
He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:
"If either of you B******* asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."
lizmcloughlin2001 (2196 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:24 BST 16 of 3693
Towards the end of a round of golf, Harry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your potatoes for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOOF! . . . she was gone!
After Harry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Pete, where are you?'
Pete yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Harry shouts back, 'PICK THE BALL UP PETE! FOR GODS SAKE PICK IT UP!!!'
lizmcloughlin2001 (2196 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:27 BST 17 of 3693
Little boy asks his Dad....
"Where does poo come from." Dad smiles and says, "Well son, when you eat food it is broken down firstly in the mouth and then the stomach and then the intestine by enzymes. This bulk then travels down the alimentary canal by peristalsis and is discharged as poo!" The little boy looks amazed and says, "Bloody hell, where does Tigger come from then!"
wildly_idle (0 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 15:52 BST 18 of 3693
A German doctor said "In my country we can take a lung from one person & put it into another person and within two weeks have both of them looking for work"
A Russian doctor next to him said " In my country we can take half of a heart out of one person and put it into another and within two weeks both of them will be looking for work"
A British doctor, not to be outdone said " In my country we can take one comfy chair out of scotland, put it in 10 Downing street and have half the country looking for work within 24hrs"
geographically*challenged (501 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 18:08 BST 19 of 3693
RAFLMAO,/b> at all the jokes
Lost are the geographically-challenged
fred-up (1 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 22:24 BST 20 of 3693
Young nun...in the land of nod...
Thought she'd been visited by God...
But...it wasn't the almighty...
That crept up her nightie...
It was Roger the lodger...the sod...!
There was a young lady called Nod,
who wanted a baby by God.
It wasnt the almighty that went up her nighty,
but the vicar the dirty old sod.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a member of the ruling class, I demand Iams every day.
wildly_idle (0 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 23:15 BST 21 of 3693
An alien craft is circling the earth and their sentient life alarm sounds, so they land.
Unfortunately its a Sunday in Arizona and they land behind a garage behind the repair bay, and nothing is happening so they shout to each other "ZZorg hhhssd ttyt" and kick the sentient life sensor and take off again
As they're going up the sentient life alarm goes crazy
Beep beep beep so they say again "ZZorg hhhssd tyt" and reland, but this time they land in front of the garage and they see the petrol pumps, and they approach the first pump and say "Take me to your leader" but there is no reply, so they get well angry and move to the second pump and say "Take me to your leader". Still no answer.
Now they are really wild, and move to the third pump; and by this time they have their ray guns at the ready and they say "Take me to your leader otherwise we will vapourize you!" But still no answer.
They pull their triggers-but they don't know that there's 20,000 gallons of gas under the pumps, there is a huge esxplosion and they get blown out into the desert, landing close to their craft, stunned but alive. They get up shaking their heads and one turns to the other and says" You know, I knew they were hard bastards when I saw tem standing in a row with their cocks stuck in their ears"
.
Mission aborted
stevie_blunder** (1295 ) View Listings | Report 26-09-08 23:48 BST 22 of 3693
Monday morning and mum is in the kitchen. She shouts upstairs to the twins, "Oi, get up you two"
Little jimmy bounds down stairs and mum says, "What do you want for breakfast?"
"I'll have some effin' cornflakes"
Well!! His mum goes mental and slaps him all round the room. Meanwhile, Ronnie arrives and sees all this going on.
"What do you want for your breakfast?"
"Well I don't want effin' cornflakes, anyway"
In the Asylum, only the lunatics feel at home. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.
jamieuk777 (177 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 00:57 BST 23 of 3693
The optician asks the man being examined if he masurbates a lot.
Why will it affect my sight, he asks.
No she says but it has upset my customers in the waiting room.
stevie_blunder** (1295 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 01:00 BST 24 of 3693
They say that masturbation makes you blind.
HELLO!!!
How difficult is it to aim away from your eyes??
In the Asylum, only the lunatics feel at home. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.
electric*mayhem*band (0 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 01:37 BST 25 of 3693
There was a Lumberjack...
...........who lived in an isolated cabin in the great Canadian Wilderness.
One evening, in the middle of winter, when the wind was howling and snow was blizzarding down, the lumberjack heard a faint knock on the cabin door.
He opened it but could see no-one.
"Down here" said a tiny voice.
The lumberjack looked down and saw a snail looking up at him beseechingly.
"Let me in" said the snail, "It's freezing out here".
The lumberjack, annoyed at this interruption to his cozy evening, reached down, and picking up the snail he threw it as hard as he could into the woods.
The Winter ended and Spring gave way to beautiful warm Summer.
And one evening a knock came at the lumberjack's cabin door.
He opened it to find the snail staring up at him.
The snail said "What did you do that for?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"IT'S A HOOT, ZOOT" !
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 03:09 BST 26 of 3693
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f*ckin' skippin'
*marlee*170681 (194 ) View Listings | Report 27-09-08 03:13 BST 27 of 3693
Three Irish girls all worked in the same office in Dublin with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them .
'No way', the blonde exclaimed.
'I almost got caught yesterday.'
-
Tommy DELIVERS!
:lmao:
-
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.
"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered........
"I'd like a mild heart attack!"
Disinterested intellectual curiosity is the life blood of real civilisation.
-
Act of God.. You sue the churches they work for him..
-
Most flights back to normal..
-
Hi Tommy.
Good to hear.
-
A couple is lying
in bed... The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------------------------------- ------
Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
A bit of light humour
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
-
Hi tommy missed you on the other thread... jeeeese you move fast..... nice weather over there today ?...
-
Snipe..1331...The weather is great in Canary Isles..
-
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray .. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays ... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays ... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself .... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this .... Buy a ticket."
colin_in
My doc told me that I had a dose of syphilis
I im it was probably from a toilet seat.
He asked me why I had been chewing a toilet seat!
-
Hi Tello Welcome to my Facebook..
-
Hi Tommy! Your Profile RULES!
THX for the add, and I'll email ya later.
Cheers!
-
Exhausted after padding all the way from the golden sands of Australia...
countessalmirena (147 ) View Listings | Report 20-07-09 15:35 BST
... once again, the Australian lodgers reveal themselves.
This time, the sense of exhaustion is even stronger. But those born upon the shores of this biscuit-shaped land have a peculiar virtue (quite apart from having bad taste in hats) - they exemplify the "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again" philosophy.
Hello again. (Well, I didn't actually leave, but I thought I'd wave hello once more, just in case...)
Were has everyone gone to ..please post
-
They're in Oz, Mate!
Good luck with that!
-
Hi everyone
-
:duckling: *Yo Tommy!!!
-
Hello Fluffy...
-
:duckling: *It'll be getting hot up your way soon Tommy. Getting cold here. I hate cold weather.
-
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/12-30-09%20Random/New%20Years%20Eve%2009/NewYearsEve003.jpg)
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Nice paint job.
Next time get them to mask off the windscreen.
:potstir:
-
Meh.
-
Looks like a truck under that white paint..ha..ha
-
You guys just don't get it, do ya?
I was taking a stab at the Duck about "cold weather".
Now shove off!
lol
-
You need a knife to stab a duck... Hi Tello hows things..
-
:flash:
-
Hi Tommy! Things are fine.
-
Goodmorning all you nice people.. 8.30am here
-
So Tommy... living in the canary islands now is your favorite dish canary pie ?.... LOL
-
Do they do a good Pluto Pup in the Canary Islands Tommy? How about Pepsi Max, is there a plentiful supply?
-
Duck is nice here..dont tell Fluffy..
-
Hi Tommy!
-
Duck is nice here..dont tell Fluffy..
Hello Tommy, I didn't hear that.....
-
another nice day ..
-
;D ;D Morning everyone
-
Afternoon here 3.30 pm
Tommy are you a coin collector?
:crazy:
-
Checkout his facebook profile!
-
Checkout his facebook profile!
OK I'm dumb. How do I do that?
If you got URL put it up please. Thanks from fellow 50 cal user. LOL
:crazy:
-
Checkout his facebook profile!
OK I'm dumb. How do I do that?
If you got URL put it up please. Thanks from fellow 50 cal user. LOL
:crazy:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1307992503&ref=ts (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1307992503&ref=ts)
-
Checkout his facebook profile!
OK I'm dumb. How do I do that?
If you got URL put it up please. Thanks from fellow 50 cal user. LOL
:crazy:
Thanks Tello
Doesn't appear to have any other likes than watching TV. LOL
It answered my question.
:crazy:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1307992503&ref=ts (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1307992503&ref=ts)
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Dont do coins... but i love sea fishing..
-
Goodmorning everyone
-
Good evening Tommy!!!!
-
It's a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait awhile for the dust to settle.
I see that America has declared war on Iceland . Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a weapon of ash eruption.
~ ~ ~
It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe .
~ ~ ~
Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.
~ ~ ~
Iceland , we wanted your cash, not your ash.
~ ~ ~
Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.
~ ~ ~
Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually."
~ ~ ~
I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland .
~ ~ ~
Volcano in Iceland ... What next Earthquake in Asda?
~ ~ ~
Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change, I?ve been married to that bone-idle cow for 20 years.
Vote for the Icelantic volcandic ash party they blocked all immigration flights all over the world.
-
An old couple in their eighties get written off in a plane crash. The bloke wakes up to soft music and warm colours.
"What's happened - where am I?" He cries out.
"Welcome to Heaven." Said Peter. "You've both lead good Christian lives, and now this is your home for all eternity."
He wanders round Heaven in awe, exploring it's beauty beyond words, and sees the most fantastic golf course.
"It's all free, and you can play until four in the morning, as it never gets dark." Comments Peter. Opening another door he sees tray upon tray of cream cakes, and reaches out for one, only to have his knuckles rapped by his wife.
"Now, now George! You can't have any of that - you've got to watch your cholestrol!" Peter rolls his eyes.
"Lady, you have no heart, you have no cholestrol."
"Tell me something, has it always been like this?"
"Of course."
The old man turns to his wife:
"D'you hear that, woman? You stupid cow - had it not been for you and your health foods, I could have been up here twenty bleedin' years ago!"
-
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
-
Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the
drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
-
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:crazy:
-
Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the
drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
I am using that one :applause: :lol:
-
goodmorning everyone
-
Good morning Tommy
-
Goodmorning Lady Fluffy
-
Hi Tommy!
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/eBay%20nasty%20pix-gifs/119077409_o.jpg)
-
Passed by here frequently enough - but I must ask your forgiveness for my rudeness, Tommy, in not saying Hello more often!
HI TOMMY!!
As for Tello - careful there .... you're skirting inside the arena of credibility.
Love the piggy bank and the caption.
-
Hey Horse, ya know something?
Tommy, Irene and me are on Facebook....and you are NOT!
word
-
My choice.
-
Well....yeah!......
-
another day.. another doller
-
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe . We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
-
WIN!
-
Cherie Blair's Chauffeur.
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say? 'asks Cherie.
' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
-
A senior citizens group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip from Coffs Harbour to the Sunshine Coast.
As they enter Queensland , an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'
-
A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.
"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy…"
-
LOL!
-
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?
"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
-
I hate that guy!
-
I hate that guy!
No he is ok that pope once you get to know him
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I hate that guy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPEi_OgmZ9g
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I hate that guy!
No he is ok that pope once you get to know him
Not the pope. Tiger!
No, wait...BOTH of them!!!
-
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please
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Paddy english man irish & scots are on a train compartment together with a hot babe & an old dear. the train goes through a tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! train emerges from tunnel paddy english man has been decked is on the floor holding his smacked puss. Hot babe thinks "he just felt up the old dear thinking it was me & she decked him". Old dear thinks "he just felt up that young girl & she decked him ". Paddy irish man thinks "I cant wait til the next tunnel so i can smack that english man again"
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Goodmorning everyone...
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Morning Tommy
-
It'll be heading towards 'Good Evening Tommy' soon...
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A typically English 40 year old bloke, having split from his
latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is,
until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In
disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when the cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing
boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side
of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I
found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docks the boat at a small quay. As the man looks to shore,
he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much
but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take
another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How
would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a
razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything,
the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from
a piece of tortoisebone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are
fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but
vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, sliding closer to him,
'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
'You mean..... (he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in
his eyes.)
'Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports'
-
CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL WARNING
Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-FELAFEL U powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
-
Goodmorning Everyone,,Another warm day .. 44* ..
-
well above the average for this time of year , or anytime of year for that matter according to this Tommy
http://www.canaryforum.com/weather.html
hope you enjoy a cold beer ?
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400..SNIPE.. they say it was 55* last year in heatwave..
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Lawyer Joke
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
-
MY DEAREST WIFE
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
**********************
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
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INTERNATIONAL HUMAN RIGHTS ORGANIZATIONDEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS WEST- AFRICAN ZONAL COMMAND 5, MOHAMMED BUHARI WAY ABUJA – NIGERIA TELE : +234-807-508-1267Email : marerejerraton222@yahoo.com.hk Our ref:IHRO/RXX/2010 PAYMENT NOTIFICATION Attn: Beneficiary My Name is Jerraton Marere, a representative of International Human Rights Organization (IHRO) in Nigeria,West Africa. With respect to Category 'A' of International human rights organization act of 2007 on scams, contractual and foreign beneficiary funds, in conjunction with the determine interest of this organization in restoring human rights violated/ dignity. There was an important meeting held on 1st of June, 2010,at the Presidential Villa on foreign debt settlement with the following offices. - Office of the Presidency. - Office of the International Human Right Organization(IHRO) - Representatives of United Nations - Representatives of world Bank. During this crucial meeting, it was agreed that two categories of people are to be paid, the first is all overdue Contractual/Foreign Beneficiary Debt. Second being those that have lost their money in the hands of some imposters. With the help of World Bank, the sum of US$8.5Billion has been placed in the Federal Reserved Account to offsetting these debts. An Authoritative letter to conduct this payment and lists of names were forwarded to my Office (IHRO) from the Presidency, he said that the listed names was compiled by the Nigerian Financial Security Agency(NFSA) after their findings. Am glad to announce to you that the sum of US$ 2Million (TWO MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) has been attached to your name among the listed names that will receive their money during this exercise. Your payment information is as follows: 1. Payment reference number….IHRO/08/FGN/5-118. 2. Allocation amount …..US$2MILLION. 3. Password number….FUND RELEASE/9955104 4. Certificate of merit payment number...45084JB. Meanwhile, a woman came to my office few days ago with a letter, claiming to be your representative. Here are the information provided by her: Name: Mrs. Dianna Koyayesva Bank Name: Citi Bank, New York Account Number:6503809428 Bank Address: New York, NY 10018. For your information, I have placed a stop order on the fund not to be transferred to City Bank, until we receive further clarification from you. Please do reconfirm to this office, as a matter of urgency if this woman is from you so that this money will not be made to the wrong person. However, provide these information to this office immediately: 1 Your full name........ 2 Your full contact address..... 3 Your fax/tel number....... These your information is a proper means to verify your file, to avoid making payment to the wrong person. Finally, we shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs. Dianna Koyayesva, if we do not hear from you soon. Congratulations in advance. Yours Faithfully, Jerraton Marere Rep. IHRO. TELE : +234-807-508-1267Email : marerejerraton222@yahoo.com.hk
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A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,"dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father,-surprised, answers,"well son,there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s,a woman's breasts are like melons,-round and firm.
In her 30s-40s, they're like pears,still nice but hanging a bit.
after 50, they are like onions."
"onions?"
"yes'you see them and they make you cry."
THIS infuriated his wife and daughter,
So the daughter said
"Mum how many kinds of 'willies' are there"
The mother,surprised,!-smiles and answers "well dear,
A man goes through three phases.
In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree,mighty and hard.
In his 30s-40s,it is a birch,flexible,but reliable.
after his 50s,it's like a christmas tree"
her daughter says "a christmas tree?".
MUM says yes,"dead from the roots up and the balls are for decoration ONLY
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PADDY THE KERRYMAN DIES
Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Seanin said, "Well, Paddy had two anatomical conundrums." "What, he had two anatomical conundrums?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two anatomical conundrums. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two anatomical conundrums...."
-
:duckling: *Hello Tommy
-
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".
The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."
-
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
-
HOW TO BE THE BOSS
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."
The feet suggested, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."
The hands argued, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.
Finally, the anatomical conundrum spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the anatomical conundrum being the boss. The anatomical conundrum got so mad that he closed up and refused to function.
After a few days, the brain grew feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and were too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes got crossed and couldn't see, and the hands hung useless at the sides. They all conceded and made the anatomical conundrum boss
And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the anatomical conundrum just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an anatomical conundrum.
Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single anatomical conundrum
-
SHE WAS SO BLONDE, THAT...
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate
-
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
-
swearing !!! talk about swearing ...... I am so unlucky I bought a sat nav the other day and its got tourettes
-
AFRICAN JOKES - RUSSIAN ROULETTE
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "The African calmly answers...."One of them is a cannibal."
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A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'Irma Grese!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig
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Hello Tommy..........how would you be?
-
Goodmorning everyone..
-
rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
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Hi Tommy.
Sydney weather has been cool with some cloud and a few spots of rain in some areas - how's it where you are?
-
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. ‘But we didn't use them. ‘Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, ‘But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00. ''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
-
The weather here is 30*..
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Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
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:rofl: :10:
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Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
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Hello Tommy........the big freeze is on over here at the moment, we should be thawed out by Christmas at this rate!
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Global warming !!! its rife
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Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.
'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.
'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'
'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons
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A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
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While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.
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Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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Insurance Company
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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:duckling:
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Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut -
so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'?
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men. If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
'No' said Tim "He plays football for England , but I was too embarrassed to say.
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SHORT IRISH JOKES
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish.
Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.
What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.
How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."
Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea.
"Why don't we leave the last coach off!"
"Well, Mike," said the doctor. "I can't quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink."
"Sure, that's all right, doctor," said Mike. "I know how you feel. I'll come back when you're sober."
She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.
"I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"
"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."
First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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Good morning everyone :)
I've not been here for a while so many things to do and work has kept me busy, then I forgot my password :enraged:
So I've finally got a new one and thought I'd just come and say a quick hello to everyone especially Countess who we haven't spoken to in the UK for some time now. And just for you Countess I've been enjoying some huge delicious really juicy home grown strawberries - want some :yess:
Anyway hope you are all well and enjoying the weather - they have given us a hosepipe ban here as we had a couple of days sunshine and as soon as the ban came into force - it rained!!! and it's not stopped raining since, with only an ocassional ray of sunshine >:(
So I'll wish you all gooday and see you soon
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I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world, moaned Betty McGrath.
I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.
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:duckling: *Waves to Tommy and Yvonee
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Who understands the origin of this phrase....
"Naughty, naughty, 1440"
?
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Negative on that one Brum6y. I'm waiting for an answer with baited breath.
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would it be something to do with the fact that there are 1440 minutes in a day ?
so in effect its saying naughty 24/7 or always ?
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Smee ..... you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo close! I'm almost forced to give it to you...
But can you put a specific situation on that...?
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no it was just a guess
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I think I'm going to have to give it to you, Smee.......
When I first started into mainframe programming, programs were executed by submitting a 'job' made up of a number of the good old-fashioned punch cards. The first card, called the Job card (funny about that) gave the job a name and set some parameters. One of these was setting a time limit, so if your program got into a loop or just took too long, it would get cancelled by the operating system when it had used up the allocated time.
But there had to be a way to specify 'no time limit' so jobs that took a very long time to run didn't get axed because of this timeout. With the base unit being minutes, they (IBM) set it up so that if you specified 1440 - the number of minutes in one day - the operating system would not hold any time limit on the job.
In a most areas, this was a very risky move. If you wrote a program that ended up in a loop, you would flog the machine and chew up very expensive time - with the only means to end it being a manual cancellation by an operator ... a step that they would not take unless adequate suspicion was raised and confirmation given to kill the offending job.
So to put "time=1440" was considered extremely risky and frowned upon - hence: "naughty, naughty"
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was this system you refer to called miniwaft ( or similar )
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was this system you refer to called miniwaft ( or similar )
Sounds like a little fart...lol
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was this system you refer to called miniwaft ( or similar )
No. It was JES2 I believe.
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They say that masturbation makes you blind.
HELLO!!!
How difficult is it to aim away from your eyes??
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(http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv277/area_51_bucket/CA0CHDJJ.gif)
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METRO REPORTER - 23rd July, 2010 Share| .Ashes of Coronation Street cat Frisky sold for £700
The ashes of Frisky the cat, who starred in the opening sequence of Coronation Street were sold yesterday for £700 – almost five times their estimated value.
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A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"
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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
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:rofl:
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An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands. Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appeared and screeched to a halt beside him. The driver, a smartly dressed woman wearing a Chanel suit, Ray Bans and a Cartier watch, stepped out and asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"
The shepherd looked at the large flock and said 'Okay'. The woman connected a laptop to a mobile phone/fax, entered the NASA website, scanned the field using GPS, opened a database linked to 60 Excel files with algorithms and pivot tables, then printed out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
She studied the report then said to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replied "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
The woman packed away her equipment, looked at the flock and put an animal in the boot of her Porsche. As she was about to leave the shepherd said "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?" The woman thought for a moment, then agreed. The shepherd said, "You are a NHS manager," "Correct," replied the woman, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replied "Simple. First you came without being invited. Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway – Now, can I have my bloody dog back?"
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I bought a new deodorant stick today,
instuctions said,
remove wrapper and push up bottom.
I can hardly walk, but, when I fart, the room smells lovely
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I boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking my seat as I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside me.
"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen, sitting next to me and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded." I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," I replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The man says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.
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Dave and Pete turned out regularly for their local amateur Rugby Club.
One day, as they were getting changed, Dave saw that Pete was wearing a pair of lacy red ladies panties.
“Christ Pete, are you turning funny or what? How long you been wearing THEM?”
Through gritted teeth Pete said,
“Ever since the bloody wife found ‘em in the car!”
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Hi..
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Boo...
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Goodmorning everyone...
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G'day Thomas
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Here ya go Tommy... :coffeecup: :cheese: :bubbly:
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green ..'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
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It's a slow day in Rochdale. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered and groaned a little for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said,
"Pepper."
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My Dog
Went down this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
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Ebay have messed up the the UK Questions and Answers board..its all new..
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Ebay have messed up the the UK Questions and Answers board..its all new..
.... and we thought that privelege was just ours.
Welcome to the brave new world.
(apologies to Aldous Huxley)
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Ebay uk seems to be working ok now..
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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony
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Good morning..
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I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".
Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork and have an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?
If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on.
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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'
At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You shag her again.'</span>
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of
other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.
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I hear the eBay UK board has been given the special eBay-Fixed-It treatment... :nhj:
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I hear the eBay UK board has been given the special eBay-Fixed-It treatment... :nhj:
Why does that statement send a cold shiver down my spine...?
(Today's example of the English language at work: The rhetorical question.)
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Its great to be alive....
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Hear Hear Tommy.......hope you and Irene are both well.
Westie :ivanhoe:
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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the blummin thing up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and hercontractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For goodness sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe". An answer I can understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the blummin boat"
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Gallagher opened the morning paper, and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
" Did you see the paper? " asked Gallagher." They say I died!"
" Yes, I saw it," came the reply," where are ye calling from?"
Two old ladies were walking through a museum, and got separated.When they met up again later,the first old lady said to the second,"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied," Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing? The penis on it was so large!"
Whereupon the first old lady accidentally blurted out," ....and cold too!"
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There was a Blonde and her husband.One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."
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1490 snipe
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles Have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.''Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'
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Now for a long one.
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .... Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" ---o0o--- On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ----o0o--- On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." ----o0o--- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." ---o0o--- "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ---o0o--- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ---o0o--- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted." ---o0o--- From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth ... To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, andpull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ---o0o--- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite." ---o0o--- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines." ----o0o--- "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ---o0o--- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.." ---o0o--- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ---o0o--- Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bumpand I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." ---o0o--- Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ---o0o---
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---o0o--- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ---o0o--- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" ---o0o--- After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your waythrough the wreckage to the terminal.." ---o0o--- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get theinsane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways." ---o0o--- Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." ---o0o--- A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.''
Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector. Says the coroner.... 'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."The Doctor says: "That's absolutely terrible. But help is at hand - I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"The Doctor says: "The tea does bu***r all; it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
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35 Days to Christmas..
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CONGRATULATIONS!!YOUR EMAIL HAS WON ($200, 000USD)AUSTRALIAN INTL LOTTERY!!!?
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From: Australian Lottery Inc (charales_loud_m@yahoo.com)
Sent: 26 November 2010 03:34:33
To: info@info.com
UNI,24 HIGHER AVENUE HARRIS PARK
GRANVILLE NSW 0152 SYDNEY
AUSTRALIA.
DEAR WINNER,
Ref: 475061725
Batch: 7056490902 /18
Winning no: GB8701/LPRC
CONGRATULATIONS!!
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are delighted to inform you of your prize release on the 25,Nov 2010 ,from the Australian Lottery program.
This is a bonus to promote lotto in Australia Which is fully based on an electronic selection of winners using their e-mail addresses form some site.
Your email address was attached to ticket number; 47061725 07056490902 serial number 7741137002 This batch draws the luck ky numbers as follows
5-13-33-37-42bonus number17,which consequently won the lotto in the second category.You here by have been approved a lump sum pay of US$200,000.00 (TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/02 from the total cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category.
All participant were selected through a computer balloting system drawn form Nine hundred thousand E-mail addresses from
Canada,Australia,United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East,Africa and Oceania as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually.
This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some multinational companies as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base.
Further more your details (e-mail address) falls within our European representative office in Amsterdam, Holland, as indicated in your play coupon and your prize of US$200,000.00 will be released to you from this regional branch office in NIGERIA.
We hope with part of your prize, you will participate in our end of year high stakes for US$1.3 Billion international draw.
HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE: Simply contact our fiducially
your paying bank(FIRST BANK NIGERIA PLC) E-mail address remittance. departmentnigeriaplc@gmail.com
E-mail address department.of.firstbank@gmail. com ! to file for your claim .
Please quote your reference,batch and winning number which can be found on the top left corner of this notification as well as your full name, address and telephone number to help locate your file easily.
Note, all winnings MUST be claimed before the end of this programmer; otherwise all funds will be returned as Unclaimed and eventually donated to charity organizations.
AUSTRALIA LOTTERIES WINNER APPLICATION FORM OF PAYMENT.
THIS FORM IS TO ENABLE THE BANK HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE INFORMATION ABOUT THE PRIZE WINNER. FILL IT AND SEND TO THE PAYING BANK FOR YOUR DOCUMENTATION OF CLAIM..
ATTENTION!!!
FULL NAME.......................... .
BIRTH DATE.........................
ADDRESS....................... .....
SEX........................... .....
NATIONALITY................... .....
OCCUPATION.................... .....
TELEPHONE..................... .....
EMAIL......................... .....
DATE.......................... .....
WINNING NO.........................
REFERENCE NO.......................
BATCH NO............................
(APPROVED FOR PAYMENT)
YOU ARE TO FOLLOW BANK PROCEDURES AND YOU WILL GET YOUR PRIZE MONEY WITHIN 48 WORKING HOURS. CONTACT THE BANK THEY WILL GIVE YOU AN OPTION FOR YOU TO SELECT ON HOW YOU WANT THEM TO TRANSFER YOUR PRIZE.
YOU HAVE TO USE THE INFORMATION BELOW TO CONTACT THE PAYING BANK...
BANK CONTACT PERSON:
DR.Atiku Bello. Executive Director
(Corporate and International Banking Remittance).
FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC
INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
FIRST BANK PLAZA #1 BANK ROAD
WUSE ABUJA FCT-NIGERIA PLC
BANK CONTACT E-MAIL ADDRESS
E-MAIL remittance. departmentnigeriaplc@gmail.com
E-MAIL department.of.firstbank@gmail. com BANK TEL:+234-805-195-0996.
(INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT)
Yours faithfully,
Carol Sweet
Online coordinator for
AUSTRALIAN LOTTO PROGRAMME,
Sweepstakes International Program
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hell
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o
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Tommy ...............................1500 snipe
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Good one Smee i missed that one...A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies “My wife”.
.................
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LOLZ tommy!!!
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A lady found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then told the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the pharmacist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, in that case, stay off your bike for about a week
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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offered her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' She watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
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How do you define handsome?
A test at a Durham City High school in North Carolina required students to use "handsome" in a sentence.
The girl named Lateshia says "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye!!!
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "Let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down"
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"'No, because he's really heavy".
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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20 magazine, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
Moral of the story is that no matter what language you speak or where you go
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
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A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .
.He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, '
If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
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An Irishman in Canada says what most people in Ireland think
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koY6kXhQDQo&feature=player_embedded
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I've only picked up on a few bits and pieces about the financial situation in Ireland - but the message has been pretty much the same as this gent.
(Don't know about the Michael Flatley bit, though....)
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They want to make him Irish pm...
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration , he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom… Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
Now you know why the Fairy is at the top of the tree..
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A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. 'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor,
This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ...... ....
'Your mother must have been a carrier'
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Snowing in Scotland
A heartwarming e-mail message from my mate in Glasgow ...
"Hi all, it's snowing like hell here today. My mate says that since it's
been snowing, all his missus does is look through the window.
He reckons if it gets much worse he'll have to let her in.
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Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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A priest offered a Nun a lift.. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg... The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..... 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
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An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, '
Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
Johnny’s answer was, "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.
Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".
The following morning Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.But the day after that Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"
He tells her, "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?'... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving, you know, at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...
Then my father asks my mother, 'Are you coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm also coming ! !
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I bought a new deoderant stick today.
the instructions said,
remove wrapper and push up bottom.
I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely
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As the duck said to the eel, "Bottoms up".
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How do you put this in the Pan..
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very carefully !
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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before answering
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An English salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. '
I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.'Why not?' thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........
Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
-
Oh blimey.
I suppose he realised he had too "buttoned-up" an approach to life from that moment onwards...
-
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that darned monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Trash and brilliance only come with age and experience.
-
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter - either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
-
This chap buys a top of the range, brand new sports car and shows it to his mates. One of them says to him, I like running and will bet you any money I could beat you in a race..... Ridiculous, says the car owner. There is no way you could beat me in this thing. Ok says the runner, lets give it a go..... So the car driver starts the engine and the runner gets his running gear on.
The race begins and the sports car roars off in first and then second gear. The driver looks at his speedo and see's he's doing almost 70mph but when he looks in his rear view mirror he see's the runner keeping up just behind his car. So he goes up through the gears and pulls away but when he looks in the rear view mirror again he still see's the runner close on his tail.....
This continues for a few miles with no change until he takes a very sharp right hand bend and the car driver see's that he has lost the runner. He pulls up at the finish and five minutes later the runner walks up to the racing car. Told you said the driver, there was no way on this earth that you could ever win this race..... Rubbish says the runner, I would have easily overtaken you on that last bend if it wasn't for a blowout in one of my plimsoles
-
Happy Valentines?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
-
Dorothy and Edna
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. A marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show .. let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . . So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress
-
Paddy and Murphy sat at the airport. Murphy says
"I wish I'd brought the television"
"Why, are you bored?" asks Paddy.
"No" said Murphy "The passports are on top of it"
-
crikey, 50c for a button. that's rich.
-
Hey-up all...have just sent a message to Contessa to see if she wishes to start a new thread on RT UK.
Depending on her reply, hopefully there will be a new thread for you all shortly.
Sure we would hate to lose touch after meeting up and having fun?
(going to TRY to put a smiley on now)
:goodidea: :goodidea:
Bloomin 'eck...didn't know there would be so many smileys!
Do you remember this Countessa
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"The Best Pubs Are Irish"
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks,he'll buy the fifth drink.""
Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times .."
-
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer.
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality and she's great with the kids
-
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
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A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well
-
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”
-
;D ;D ;D We have the ‘ I’m alright Jacks’ who care only about themselves; the Haters and Fearers who only start threads about bashing foreigners; the Goaders who look for a fight while putting others down; the Nutters and the Paranoid who make little sense at any time; The Blamers – everything is someone else’s fault; the Know-it-Alls and the Smug; the more Humble; the Intolerant and Angry; the Tolerant and Reasoned; the Couldn’t Care Less about much at all; the Passionate; the Compassionate; the Smart and the Not So Smart; the Grumpy Moaners; the Cheerful; the Dull; the Wise; the Animated; the Funny etc.
Do you think that the RT is a representative (proportionate) sample of the UK public in general?
Or at least of the equivalent age range, as age would have an influence - I guess that most Rters are middle-aged or older.
It’s quite a hard question I suppose, because in real life we tend to associate mostly with people of like mind.
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In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”
Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”
“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”
“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul
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Just for Tommy and any lurking UKers...
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." - Spike Milligan.
"I never criticise referees and i'm not going to change a habit for that prat." - Ron Atkinson
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" - Samuel Goldwyn.
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Spike Milligan, commenting about radio: "the pictures are better"
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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
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Everybody should pay their taxes with a smile, said Bob. “I tried it but they wanted cash.
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Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask,
"How did you catch those?"
"Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!"
So the fish-less pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.They get to a bridge and Sean calls to his friend
"Hold my legs now Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries..
"Pull me up, pull me up!!"
Paddy asks "Do you have a fish Sean?"...........
"No" replies Sean, "There's a bloody train coming!"
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A burly man walks into his local pub totally distraught.
"Five whiskys in one glass please", he asks the barman.
He downs it in one and bursts into tears. The barman asks him what's wrong.
"My eldest son has just told me he's gay", sobs the man. He thanks the barman and leaves.
A few days later he's back.
" Five double whiskys in one glass please", he asks the barman.
Again he downs it in one and bursts into tears. Once again the barman consoles him and asks what's up.
"Now my youngest son has announced that he's gay", sobs the man, thanks the barman and leaves.
A week passes and the man is back. This time he orders a half pint of neat whisky.
"God Almighty!", exclaims the barman, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Oh Yes", wails the man, knocking back the drink,
"My wife!"
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take the last 2 digits of the year you were
born plus the age you will be this year and it will
come to 111 , anybody on here get a different answer?
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The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.
-
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband
-
A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?” she asked
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
-
A guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your private parts which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the State Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eyes".
-
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
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[attachment deleted by admin]
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!
-
;D What is Old?
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!" ;D
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1. Men are like Laxatives
They irritate the carp out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.
3 Men are like Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.
4 Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13.. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
-
Indians' Land
When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were: -
No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that
system!
-
Druggist's Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I
didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then
I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still
ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!"
-
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream.
It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
-
A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.
The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."
-
Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
-
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
-
:rofl: :rofl:
Good one Tommy!
-
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
-
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left me hat.",___
-
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
-
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
-
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
-
Spanish airports strike dates 2011
Mar 8, 2011 11:44 PM
...Spanish news.... strike update....April 20,21,24,25,30...May2,14,15,19,20.....June13,23,30....July 1,2,3,4,15,31..August 1,15,31.
-
“Hi, police department? I’ve lost my cat and …
“Sorry lady, this is not a police job, we are too busy…
“But you don’t understand… this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human.
He can practically talk.”
“Well, you’d better hang up, lady. He may be trying to call you right now.”
-
Murphy phones his missus, can you 'get me some shampoo I'm in the shower', she says "there is shampoo in the shower" he says "yes but it's for dry hair and i've just wet mine".
-
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
-
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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Insurance Company
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. " Sir", she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist........
He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. 'What happened?' he exclaimed.
"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button".
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p***s is under your pillow.'
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"CONFUSIUS! HE SAY"-
man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient,
a passionate kiss is like a spiders web-leads to undoing of fly,
better to be p--d off, than p--d ON,
lady who goes camping must be aware of evil intent,
squirrel runs up lady's leg, will not find nuts,
man who leaps off a cliff, jumps to conclusion,
war does not determine who is right, but who is left,
man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night,
it takes many nails to build a crib, but only 1 screw to fill it,
a man who drives like hell,is sure to get there,
man who fish in another mans well,will often catch crabs,
& FINALLY,
A lion will not cheat on his wife,but a tiger wood.
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Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'you got Male!
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In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Launderette: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAYPLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
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For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Banker looks down in horror.
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Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A Customer came in and asked for a seven-hundred and ten. We all looked at each other and another Customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred and ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, It is broken and I need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was for, but this piece had always been there, and is obviously important.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
And there it was, just like in the drawing, and just like she had described.
The oil cap with "710" in big capital letters.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, an Aussie, an American, a Pakistani, an Indian, a Pole, a Canadian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Turk, a Jew, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Chinese a Frenchman, a German and a Spaniard all walk into a bar, and the doorman says ...
Sorry,
You can't come in without a Thai" Boom! Boom! ..
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, I went into town and visited a shop. When I came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and I said, 'Come on, "Sir", how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “a***hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So I called him a “s**t head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then my bus arrived, and I got on it and went home. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
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Gallagher opened the morning paper, and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
" Did you see the paper? " asked Gallagher." They say I died!"
" Yes, I saw it," came the reply," where are ye calling from?"
Two old ladies were walking through a museum, and got separated.When they met up again later,the first old lady said to the second,"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied," Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing? The penis on it was so large!"
Whereupon the first old lady accidentally blurted out," ....and cold too!"
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Dear Son,
Just a few lines with some home news and to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.
We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now.
He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army.
He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery.
Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week.
They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.
The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.
Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.
We had a letter from the undertaker.
He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday..
We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
-
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with the Older Generation!
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Larry asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....'
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making herrounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but\she could wait until it was returned. HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was onthe way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait...and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car .
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two passing Protestants watched fromacross the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
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Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me .
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's derrier and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
-
Here's another you might like
A glamorous blonde boarded a flight to Melbourne with an economy class ticket and was directed to her seat. After the plane took off though, she gathered up her vanity case and teetered up the aisle to First-Class. The First-Class Flight Attendant asked to see her ticket and was given it. "I'm sorry Miss, but this is for Economy Class so I must ask you to go back there".
The blonde remained seated and said, "Look, I'm blonde, I'm very beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right where I am".
The Flight Attendant faced with this situation went into the flight deck and reported the incident to the Co-Pilot. He said, "Okay I'll deal with her if you like" and they went back into the First-Class cabin. The Co-Pilot said to the blonde, "I’m sorry Miss but you really must go back to Economy Class as you haven't paid to travel First Class". Once again the blonde came out with the same statement, I'm blonde, I'm very beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right where I am".
Not wanting to get tough with the girl and forcibly manhandle her back to Economy Class, the Co-Pilot went back to the flight deck and reported the situation to the Captain.
The captain replied, "Oh, that's not a problem and I can sort it out. My wife is blonde, I understand blonde and I speak blonde so just leave that to me".
The three of them went back into the cabin and the Captain bent down and spoke softly into the girl’s ear. Slowly a look of understanding crossed the girl's face and she said, "Oh, I'm so sorry - I didn't fully understand. Thank you for explaining it to me", and with that once again picked up her vanity case and teetered off back to Economy Class.
The Flight Attendant and Co-Pilot looked astonished and asked, "How did you manage that? What did you say to her?". The Captain said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that First-Class isn't going to Melbourne!".
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Going for the...
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;D ;D ;D SNIPE 1600 ;D ;D ;D
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I could see you hunting for the Great Snipe...
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Grape Snipe?
What???
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(http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o111/Dedaj/Grape.jpg)
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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department For Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees Enough and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £200 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £100 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, Along with a bottle of gin, and occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to pass this information on to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
.
.
.
.
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.
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15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
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At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?
The child said, “No ma'am, my moms a good cook!”
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A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
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Indian Chief Two Eagles was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that!"
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The Chief also said ..... and that no name toilet paper that white man now sell in super markets in plain wrapper ..Chief Two Eagles think of name for it !!!
It should be called John Wayne toilet paper ......................
cos it donttakenoshitfromnoindian !
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SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
-- Management
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“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
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You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
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The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
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LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITTISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A JOB,
A DRIVERS LICENCE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
WELFARE PAYMENTS,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION,
FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WESTMINSTER,
BILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,
MONEY TO GO HOME IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT IN UK
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…
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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
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A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.
Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.
To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!
The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.
The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'
'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack
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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
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A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing."
"I'll double your fee," he said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
"Okay," said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to put my brushes." :-)
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Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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I think this guy may have something!!
The Secret to a Long Marriage!
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in York City , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked George, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
George replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Malta for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'George, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
George proudly replied, " I'm going back to Malta to pick her up."
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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recyclingbox under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I takeout the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only onecheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the houseto my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses thatI've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for theremote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so Idecide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water theflowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor..
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
,I can't find the remote,I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm reallybaffled because I know I was busy all blummin day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
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Hello,
Tommy!
I'm
Richard
Nixon.
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r271/rontello/ODD%20Stuff/Nixon_plane.jpg)
I like your jokes <this> much!
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Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!'
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, 'I found out who peed in your saxophone
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Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
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Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren
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*** Breaking News***
CBC reports: Beginning in mid-2011 fuel stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else get screwed the same time that you do..
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;D ;D
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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... and I also liked this joke enough to laugh when I should have been looking very serious.
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Q: Why do dogs make such poor gamblers?
A: When they get a good hand at poker, they wag their tail..
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I'm not normally chatty about day to day things, but I thought this might interest some of you.
I met up with an old friend, a lovely man, but not very bright. (let me give you an example; think Benny of Crossroads, or David from Heartbeat)
Well, he told me that he was now a Furniture Dealer running his own Business, and very successful it is too.
Without wanting to upset Tommy (that's his name) I was more then a bit sceptical, so he told me about his latest plans, and what happened in his implementation of them. I then realised that he was, and still is the same loveable simple soul that endeared us all to him in the first place. Bless!!
Tommy had wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some Manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that this small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which he couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Tommy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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iTS GOOD... http://elrellano.com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli.html
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A tale is told about a small town in the South of England, late 1800's that had historically been "dry" (no alcohol sold), but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern.
A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene.
It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible.
The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that: "No matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear"...........
"The Tavern Owner believes in prayer,
and the Christians do not."
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What did the spider email to the fly?
Visit my Web site!
;D ;D ;D
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A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband:
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! the headaches are all gone."
The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
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When the rod in her closet fell from the weight of her clothes Sally decided to donate some. While gathering the garments she no longer wore, she checked the pockets in one coat and found a ticket for shoes she’d brought in for repairs nearly four years before. “So that’s what happened to those,” she muttered. Later that day after dropping off the clothes, she decided to see if the repairman still had the shoes. After studying the ticket, the man said. “I’m sorry, but those won’t be ready until Friday.”
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A man is in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, drowsy and recovering from the effects of the drugs he has been given. A nurse is standing over him checking his vital signs.
"Are me testicles black" he mumbles weakly through the mask. The nurse, a bit surprised by the question but not easily fazes, lifts up his gown holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other bends down and inspects him very closely for several seconds before saying, "No nothing wrong in that department, you are fine, nothing to worry about." With that she removes his mask. The man smiles " thank you nurse that was very kind of you and a nice way to wake up but what I said was "are my test results back?"
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Little Jonny says to his mam,is it ok to have a willy
Yes said his mum why do you ask
Cos my dads upstairs sweating like mad trying to pull his off
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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
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A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.
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How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
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How do you sink an irish submarine?
Knock on the door.
How do you sink it again?
Knock on the door and they'll open the window and say
"Ah you'll not be catching me out this toime
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
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A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free educatio...n and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!' The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !' The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says ..... 'Probably at work'
.
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The Dubai Fountain is a record-setting choreographed fountain system set on the 30-acre manmade Burj Khalifa Lake, at the centre of the Downtown Dubai development in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
It was designed by WET Design, the California-based company responsible for the fountains at the Bellagio Hotel Lake in Las Vegas.
Illuminated by 6,600 lights and 25 coloured projectors, it is 275 m (902 ft) long and shoots water 150 m (490 ft) into the air (equivalent to a 50-story building), accompanied by a range of classical to contemporary Arabic and world music. It was built at a cost of 218 million U.S. dollars).
Do NOT click on the word "NEXT" in the upper right of the picture square.
Just be patient and wait for the fountains to do their thing; You're supposed to listen to the glorious duet by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli. (I couldn't pick any music up, but not to worry, it was still spectacular in complete silence)
Turn your lights down. Click on the centre to start it if need be. Click on full screen (the 4 arrows in bottom right hand corner). Then sit back, take a deep breath and let the beauty relax, refresh, and rejuvenate you! The whole experience lasts for 5 minutes, and is very therapeautic indeed.
http://www.wimp.com/dubaifountain/
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A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”
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Drunks
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
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Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!
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"Is this really her" ? asks her Puppeteer, Simon Cowshed. "It looks like her, and it sounds like her, but is it her" ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6DwN5n9iEE
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This is ground breaking news to the Yanks. They're all talking about it!!
According to this newspaper Prince William and The Duchess of Cambridge are divorced less than a month after they wed!!
http://www.theonion.com/articles/prince-william-divorces-kate-middleton-after-5-wee,20648/
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;D"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the Newsagent loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the Newsagent employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of of recognition as she was heard to mutter, . . . . .
"Well, shite, that explains why no one was at Church either.
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WooHOOO!
I'm calling the
25700 *snipe*
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
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A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
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Let's Get Married
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional
service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pant legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I
would prefer the traditional service."
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This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
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Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?
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A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
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another scam email sent to me...
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Some quickies for you ..
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes
. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Blow me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador." "f*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know?He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! “
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.Just opened it and some sods sent me a magnifying glass!
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?she says, “Yes have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.”
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse.....!Do you think I should change dentists?
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The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
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An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal. The doctor says, ” Ian, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” Ian replies, “God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I’m done, *poof* the light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ian ‘s wife.
“Marianne, he says, Ian is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, *poof* the light goes off?” “OH MY GOSH!” Marianne exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!
-
THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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WARNING, PLEASE READ - I don't usually re-post these but... If someone comes to your front door, and asks you to remove your clothes, and dance in your front yard with your arms in the air.. DO NOT do this, it is a scam!! They just want to see you naked. Please copy and post this to your status -- I wish I had received this yesterday.... I feel so stupid now...LOL.
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
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x
[attachment deleted by admin]
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LONDON RIOTS 2011.... ;D ;D ;D.....Over heard in a looters house...Hi mum im home.. get out of bed and come and see what i got you... its 4.30am in the morning son what did you get me.. I got you a 64 inch TV..Good for you son.. now go back out tonight and get the remote control for it..
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The chief of staff at the hospital remarked to the director of nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant nurses in their hospital. As they were walking down the hall, he was becoming more and more concerned about a possible staff shortage as everyone seemed pregnant. He began to ask the director when each pregnant nurse they passed was due.
"When is she due?"
"Some time in late September."
"How about her?"
"Late September."
"And her?"
"September."
"My goodness!" exclaimed the chief of staff. "How about her?"
"I have no idea, sir. Norma wasn't at last year's Christmas Party."
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
> sports car and
> was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
> blonde.
>
> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
> license. She dug through her
> purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
>
> 'What does it look like?' she finally asked
>
> The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has
> your picture on it..'
>
> The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
> looked at it and
> handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she
> said.
>
> The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it
> back saying, OK, you
> can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
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This will get you thinking about ebay.. http://www.randomthink.net/misc/ebay/
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Why Ethel changed Hotels, don't laugh, it could happen......
Last week, she checked into a Hotel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Anthony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my Hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."
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;D
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A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
"A jack"
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Restaurant Efficiency
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin,
black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys but I use my spoon."
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his
assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy,
how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says
Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs
and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen
any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
.
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1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive!
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Can we put & keep a
short leash
on
Tommy?
-
Can we put & keep a
short leash
on
Tommy?
Maybe ...... Let us know when you're finished with it.
-
Done.
Ya might wanna wash it off first.
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Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening -customer service,being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and Barclay bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
A family member placed a call to the Barclay Bank:
Family Member:'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
Barclay: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Barclay: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Barclay: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Barclay: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about herBeing dead?'
Barclay:'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
Barclay: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges stillapply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Barclay: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
Barclay: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:'Sure.' ( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
Barclay:'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
Barclay: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:'Would you like her new billing address?'
Barclay: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Finchley Memorial Cemetery , Great North Road , Finchley, London Plot
Number1049.'
Barclay: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'Well, what the flip do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............
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Bury them ;D ;D ;D
-
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that
will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
The Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"You shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Black people and said, "I have Commandments."
The Black people wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour your Father
and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
Then God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "You shall
not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "You shall not
commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody
-
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
-
;D ;D ;D
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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either."
-
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.
-
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife
-
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
-
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
-
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
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Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
-
Snipe 1700..
THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!........... Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite m...eal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers:
I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem....
-
A man is driving along a highway
and see a hare jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the hare jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as being an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the hare.
Much to his dismay the hare is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and she pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
I feel terrible he explains, I accidentally hit this hare and killed it.
The blonde says, don't worry. She runs to her car and
pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The hare jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the hare stops, turns around and waves again.
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops
another 10 feet, turns and waves, he repeats this again
and again and again until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the women and demands
What is in that can?
What did you spray on that hare?
The woman turns the can around so the man can read
the label. It says...............................
are you ready for this, this is the blonde joke of all blonde jokes
It says
"HAIR SPRAY - RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR
and ADDS PERMANENT WAVE".
-
Real signs from around the world:
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
-
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness And kindness..
One afternoon, the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
-
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit p*ssed off, grabs the sheet,
rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
-
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
-
Senior moment.
A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!" ...........
-
>George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
>where the devil is waiting for him,
>
>
>"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
>have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
>you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as
>bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
>
>I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty
>good, so the devil opened the first room.
>
>
>
>In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in
>and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate
>in hell.
>"No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
>think I could do that all day long."
>
>
>
>The devil led him to the next room.
>
>
>
>In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
>All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've
>got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all
>I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
>
>
>
>The devil opened a third door.
>
>
>
>In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked
>over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over
>him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush watched in
>disbelief with a huge grin on his face and finally said, "Yea, I can
handle this."
>
>The devil smiled and said ............. "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
-
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office, and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I've come to hook up the phone!"
-
.
-
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
-
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
-
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf
in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover".
-
Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?
Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”?
And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
“illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
How weird is that?
-
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
A man went to the doctor and said
Doctor I have a problem, but if you are going to treat it you must promise not to laugh.
Of course I won`t laugh, the doctor said, I`m a professional, in over 20 years I`ve never laughed at a patient.
O.K. then,the man said, and proceded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen,
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet,and regain his composure.
I`m so sorry, he said, I dont know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won`t happen again,
O.K., the man says,
Now the doctor says, getting down to business, What seems to be the problem ?
Well, the guy says, ...its swollen.....
-
A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
- 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'
To which his wife responds:
- 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!'
-
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of... them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
-
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car
-
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at Duke Medical Center, Durham, North Carolina.
-
One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway. The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running? Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir. Who? ask the principal. Me and the kid chasing me; and off he went.
-
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
< /FONT>My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY< /SPAN> :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Gr andma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No"...
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
" So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,
and remember...
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak
-
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again,"Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
>and his testicles in the other Then, she takes a close look and says,
There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
-
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
-
;D HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE...
FROM IRENE & TOMMY[move]
-
THIS IS THE FIRST JOKE OF THE NEW YEAR..............................................................................................A little girl asks her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her mum replies, "No, because she is in heat"
"What does that mean?" Asks the little child.
"Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage" The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mum but she said the dog was in heat and to come and ask you."
Dad says, "Bring Belle over here" He took a rag, soaked it in petrol and rubbed the dogs backside to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog. Surprised dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol half way round the block, so another dog is pushing her home"
-
Emails this past year...
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five Minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a Perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
Death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day!
By the way....A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late... )
And I still laugh when I receive them all.
-
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute my dearest, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, “but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''
-
Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESTATE PLANNING 101
Dan found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died.
He decided that he wanted a woman to enjoy and share his new fortune with.
One evening he went to a singles bar.
He spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
He approached her. "My name is Dan", he said introducing himself.
"Hello. I am Mary", she replied extending her hand.
"I may look like just an ordinary man", Dan said.
"But in just a week or two, my father will die and I will inherit 20 million dollars".
Mary went home with Dan that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
-
Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, it was addressed, 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
-
Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."
-
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.! "
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit = $600
New shirt = $36
New underwear = $6
Second opinion PRICELESS
-
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag "
"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '$20,
or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night whilst the neighbour's dog barks through the night in the garden next door.
Paddy says, "I've had enough of this!" as he storms out of the house at 1am in the morning.
5 minutes later he comes back upstairs looking rather pleased with himself. "What have you done?", his wife asks.
"Put the dog in our garden... see how they like it"
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied.' Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good, ' she replied... 'Get your own f*#king blanket.'
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.
The modern day version of the Battle of Trafalgar
History rewritten.
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
-
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to
the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I’m driving a gritter!"
-
MEN - CHEEKY bu***rs!
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,' You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have
tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
-
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
By a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
Young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
Something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
Looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
Know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
Wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything
So seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led
Him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
Said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
Voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
-
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: £5
+ Broiled Missionary: £10
+ Fried Explorer: £15
+ Baked Politician: £100
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shite, it takes all morning."
-
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Married or not you should read this...
“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
-
A young man is ambling along an older area of the city. Much of it is now in need of regeneration. He sees an old cafe and walks in for a cup of coffee. He gets out his latest book to read and sipps his coffee. The cafe is very small and he's the customer. He's absolutely engrossed in his book and only slightly notices an older couple in their mid 80's enter the cafe. They order tea and sit right next to the young man. They sit quietly for five minutes. Then the old chap leans over to his wife and says "Eeee love do you remember when we started coming to this cafe over 60 years ago?". She smiled and sipped her tea and smiled. He went on "Do you remember the first time we ever made love was at the back of the cafe up against that old fence?". She smiled and sipped her tea. "I tell you what", he said, "let's slip around the back one more time and have a bit more fun". She smiled and sipped her tea.
She put her tea down and they left together.
During this time the young man reading his book couldn't help but hear every word the old guy said. It was such a small cafe and they were sat so close to him. The curiosity got the better of the young man and he followed the old couple to see where they were going. They were heading for a fence area at the back of the cafe which was quite discrete. The old guy began to take his trousers down. He fumbled about for over five minutes but persisted. He then grabbed his wife andleaned in close to her and grabbed the fence at her back.
What the young man then witnessed was beyond his belief. The old guy went about his love-making like a 20 year old. He never stopped for over half an hour. Then both fell to the floor, before staggering to their feet and pulling themselves together.
As they ambled away on foot the young man couldn't help himself and he approached the old man."I'm sorry but I couldn't help wondering how you managed to make love to your wife with so much energy at your age".
"Listen sonny, when we first came here 60 years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified..
-
Never lie to a female
A guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a young girl
coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the
newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was
in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this young
girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know,
here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."
The police went to the beach, found the young girl, and asked her,
"Just what did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl
replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I
broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story: Never, ever lie to a female ... OF ANY AGE!!!
-
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'ASYLUM'.
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-
Gay Priest getting married...Bishop Patrick Buckley was ordained a Roman Catholic diocesan priest in 1976 and was first suspended from the priesthood in 1986.
2 He was excommunicated by the Catholic Church in 1998 as a result of his unauthorised episcopal consecration as a bishop.
3 He was ordained by Bishop Michael Cox, who also |‘ordained’ the singer Sinead O’Connor
4 Bishop Buckley is not treated as a bishop by the Catholic Church in Ireland or indeed Rome.
5 Since 1986 he has conducted an independent ministry from The Oratory in Larne, a house which belonged to the Catholic Diocese of Down and Connor and which the then Fr Buckley refused to leave following his suspension from the priesthood by the then bishop, Cahal Daly.
6 Marriages for divorced Catholics as well as the gay and lesbian communities and mixed religion couples are carried out at The Oratory.
7 Bishop Buckley was born the eldest of 17 children in Tullamore, Co Offaly, in 1952
8 He was elected to Larne Borough Council in 1989 as an independent, a seat he lost in 1993.
9 Bishop Buckley is openly gay and confirmed his homosexuality in 1999 on the front page of The News of the World.
10 He currently writes a column and delivers advice to readers in a Sunday newspaper.
Read more: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/local-national/wedding-bells-for-gay-bishop-pat-buckley-14658986.html#ixzz1onggjl9C
-
Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
-
..
-
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
-
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
-
THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had... shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
-
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
-
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did.... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
-
Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
-
A Scottih Soldier
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
>
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much tae repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. ”We'll hae a new one.”
-
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile,
Inspector,'
says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector
'Thought he was having his picture taken.'
-
.
-
The Queenslander.
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear.
Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs.
"That's about average in Queensland . Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you ?
"Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you".
"So, how much does he weigh now ?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened ? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born ! "
The Queensland father takes a long slow swig from his XXXX Gold,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says…
" Had him circumcised...."
-
Subject: The power of beer
The power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest ale for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
(Wait for it)
*
(It's coming)
*
(Ya ready?)
*
(Don't hate me)
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
'He should've quit while he was a head !..
-
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
-
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
One replies, "The film said 18 or over."
-
I just came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Prisoners" and "Drug Addicts" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry dear you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a young kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change Mister?' I said 'Nope, you still look the same.'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks “What is wrong?”
The boy says “Me dog is dead.” “Oh you poor soul” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.”
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most of the Doctors are now not English, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was
“Where do women have the curliest hair?”
The answer I should have given was Fiji ...
-
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
A t the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
-
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
-
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
-
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
The driver won £52!
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find he shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
-
"A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied."
-
Last week I checked into my hotel in Benidorm and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogenous, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call..
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
-
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out.
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.”
David thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that.” so he asks.
...“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. David just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
Cameron replies, “Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”
-
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should
meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof
Zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses
and nice breasts.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
it is wheel-chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
they have never been there before.
-
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
-
Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
...
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday..'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids..... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
on the couch....
naked.
-
I'm sure everyone has seen this before but it's still amusing... from the customer's viewpoint.
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
-
about a minute ago
.Please read this..
They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town..., people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.
But something was still missing as I
attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.
But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.
See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too.
Maybe we were too much alike.
I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice."
____________ _________ _________ _________
To Whomever Gets My Dog:
Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.
So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.
First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't
matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful. Don't do it by any roads.
Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."
He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.
Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.
He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.
Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.
And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.
I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with .. and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.
Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he
loved me.
If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.
All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.
Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.
Thank you,
Paul Mallory
____________ _________ _________ _______
I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver
Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.
I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.
The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.
"C'mere boy."
He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.
His tail swished.
I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my
face into his scruff and hugged him.
"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.
"So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.
"Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"
Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth...
-
1771 snipe.. A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"
-
The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
-
No NURSING HOME FOR me!!!
No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for nursing home care costing £100 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at Holiday Inn hotels.
A combined long term stay discount and senior discount is £40 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £60 a day for lunch and dinner anywhere we choose, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a gym, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£3 of tips a day will get the staff making extra efforts to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a bus stop nearby and seniors ride free.
To meet other nice people, try the church on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take an airport bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
They have a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you so happy, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
-
WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES
Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?'
Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Cheney "See I told you, no one cares if we kill the muslims".
-
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in… what can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
...I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time..
How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company! :-)
-
A pretty blonde was ticketed in economy class for a flight from London to Sydney. A few minutes into the flight, she got out of her seat, found an empty seat in first class, and sat down.
The flight attendant came and said "Miss, I'm sorry, but you are ticketed for economy class, and I'm afraid you'll have have return to your designated seat".
The blonde retorts "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm flying first class to Sydney". "No", the flight attendant replied, "you cannot sit in first class, I'm sorry".
After some arguing, the flight attendant entered the cockpit and said, "Captain, I have blonde woman from economy class who insists on sitting in first.. I can't seem to convince her to go back to her seat, can you help?".
Captain says, "Oh, no problem... my wife is blonde .. I speak blonde.. just a moment".
The captain gets up and whispers in the blonde's ear. "Oh", she says, "I'm very sorry, I didn't know", and returns to her seat in economy class.
Captain returns to the cockpit, followed by the flight attendant. "Wow! What did you say to her?", the flight attendant asks.
"Oh, simple... I just told her first class isn't going to Sydney".
-
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money
-
Always knew global warming was bollox.
Last week The Mail on Sunday provoked an international storm by publishing a new official world temperature graph showing there has been no global warming since 1997.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2220722/The-REALLY-inconvenient-truths-global-warming-Last-week-explosively-revealed-16-year-pause-rising-temperatures--triggering-bitter-debate-You-decide-real-facts-.html#ixzz29tVZrjSk
The REALLY inconvenient truths about global warming. Last week we explosively revealed a 16-year 'pa
www.dailymail.co.uk
The Mail on Sunday answers whether the world is warming or not, when will warming start again, and how long the world has to plan an energy strategy..
-
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money
LOL it's not right laughing but I can't help myself ! lol
-
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money
LOL it's not right laughing but I can't help myself ! lol
misogynist .... <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<lol
-
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
-
Even Big Ben has grown a moustache! Famous clock gets a glowing blue pair of whiskers to mark Movember
.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2225992/Even-Big-Ben-grown-moustache.html#ixzz2AxiVt9i8
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook
Even Big Ben has grown a moustache!
www.dailymail.co.uk
In addition to the thousands who will attempt to grow moustaches this month for Movember organisers hope putting a pair of whiskers on Big Ben will help to raise awareness of the annual fundraiser..
-
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'
-
Goodbye everyone..
-
hey Tommie
some of us are still around!
-
The Traffic Warden's funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too late my friend, the paperwork's already done"
-
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of... them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
-
Chortle chortle chortle
-
The Traffic Warden's funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too late my friend, the paperwork's already done"
Tommy, that is simply .... hilarious.
That'll teach the pesky "I've already started filling out this ticket" parking inspectors!
-
Banta's son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.
Banta: Give him a glass of water.
-
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
Husband: well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much
-
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80?s arrived at the hospital to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. The nurse took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’ He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’
-
..
-
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!
-
From Twitter
Solihull Police ?@SolihullPolice
Anyone lost a huge amount of cannabis in the Chelmsley Wood area? Don’t panic, we found it. Please come to the police station to collect it.
-
Gooday Al bear
Are you keeping those pair of clowns Flog-pox and EMB under control ?
(http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n212/neilspurr/waldorf.jpg)
-
Al Bear, it's good to see you again!
(I wonder if anyone would actually respond to the Solihull tweet... and go into the police station claiming lost property...)
From Twitter
Solihull Police ?@SolihullPolice
Anyone lost a huge amount of cannabis in the Chelmsley Wood area? Don’t panic, we found it. Please come to the police station to collect it.
-
Its posdible as you have to be a compete and utter lunatic to go on twitter in the first pace
-
.... from there it's only a short stroll to the 'lost property' counter.
The scary thing is, with the cognitive skills associated with the substance, I imagine the likelihood of someone actually wanting to go is high.
It would not surprise me if someone actually showed.........
-
.MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.
-
conversation in heaven...................................................SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive
-
Its now Christmas day..
-
.... and NOW it's Christmas Day for you and Irene!
Merry Christmas to you both!!
(http://www.gospelgifs.com/art_pages_14/images/3wise03.gif)
-
Thanks ..I see your Christmas is over for another year..
-
Things learned from TV:
All crimes are solved in 1 hour.
The Good guy always wins.
When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.
A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.
All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.
When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
-
.
-
A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer. The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner. "My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.
-
..
-
... and a Happy New Year to you too, Tommy!
(yeah ... I know I'm about 2 hours late...)
-
..Its now 6pm ..1/1/2013
-
Its now 12pm on 1/1/2013.. the new years day is over..now we have 2/1/2013.
-
When things go wrong, When sadness fill your heart, When tears flow in your eyes, Just let me know, Cause I want to be there for you, I am selling tissues,buy one get one free..
-
42 things in life..
by tommy.irene » Fri Jan 04, 2013 7:03 pm
This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...
14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive but don’t forget.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
39. The best is yet to come...
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
41. Yield.
42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
-
50 SHEDS OF GREY.
I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
-
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
-
You've got to love the Irish Mammy!
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?
LOVE PADDY
Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!
LOVE MAM.
-
A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".
-
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Here she is – in the middle of dealing with this Algerian Hostage mess - now this has happened to her !
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming :-
"You pig! How could you have let this happen ? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant ! How could you ? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say ?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again "Did you hear me ?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper :-
“Who’s speaking ?”
-
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
-
Ah! Yes, love is blind, and marriage is and eye opener!
-
I just came out of the chippy, with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A homeless man sat outside said, "I haven't eaten for three days."
I told him, "I wish I had your willpower."
-
An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
She quickly responded, "The living one."
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
-
..
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Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.
-
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
-
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
-
The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”
-
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bed room closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is”
Boy ” I have a baseball.”
Man “That’s nice”
Boy “Want to buy it?”
Man “No, thanks”
Boy “My dad’s outside…”
Man “O.K. – How much?”
Boy “$250?
In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy “Dark in here”
Man “ Yes, it is.”
Boy “I have a baseball glove”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
“How much?”
Boy “$750?
Man “Sold!”
A few days later the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go
outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ” $ 1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…
that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you
to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here”.
The priest says, “Don’t start that shite again, you’re in my closet now.”
-
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
-
Posts: 221
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
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EST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that i am leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and i have nothing to show for it. These last two week have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit you job today and that was the last straw. LAst week you came home and did not even notice my new haircut, or that i had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s3x or any thing that connects us husband and wife. Either your cheating on me or you do not love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone. signed Your EX-Husband P.S Don't try to find me. Your sister and i are moving to West Virginia together! Have a Great life... -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than recieving your letter. It's true we have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, i didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because i stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and i prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, i still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when i hit the lotto for 10 million, i quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, but when i got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, i guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as hell and free... P.S. I don't know if i ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that is not a problem! :)
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..
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Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
-
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck.
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One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!” I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Hello everyone..today 31/3/2013 im 74 years old..so Happy Birthday to me.. ha ha..
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:birthdaycrowd:
:kisshug:
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"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
-
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
-
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...
"Mr Swiffen?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."
I said, "That's wrong- my dog doesn't have a bike!"
-
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. ............ The Russians used a pencil.
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Im a 74 year old IRISHMAN..But I still think im 25
UK Problem Solved
« on: April 08, 2013, 04:35:56 AM »
Quote
Letter to Mr. Cameron - Genius!!
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also.....
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!
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Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ...your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies,"Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin .
When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...
ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says,
"Bejesus, everyone is fine ! Tis me ... I've quit drinking !"
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
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“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
...
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
"She fainted.”
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
sorry ladies!!!
-
MAN RULES
AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
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Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.
Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.
One says to the other, "What shall we do?"
The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.
He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.
What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"
The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
-
guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk.
-
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"
The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
-
How to get revenge on negative people.
A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"
"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.
"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"
"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.
"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"
"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."
"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"
A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"
"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."
"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"
"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"
The woman replied........
He said 'Where did you get that lousy hairdo??"
-
FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a girlfiend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 closest friends...... none of them knew anything about it!
FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a buddy's house. The wife call her husband's 10 closest friends..........
8 of them confirmed that he'd slept at their place...and 2 claimed that he was still there.
.....Yes! You know what I'm talking about don't you lads?
-
Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick says, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
-
A couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 18th April 2013
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It's hotter than blazes down here!
-
B & Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells
They hired him because he was so funny....& Honest..
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Person)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION:
It was a carp job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big
things and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh Yes, absolutely.
-
.
-
You are allowed to put your jokes on here..
-
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
-
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that
they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,
realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
-
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she
said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man . . . and your brother!
-
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
-
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's
perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
-
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
-
Marriage Humour ...
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
-
:duckling:
-
This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.
(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
__________________
-
fter every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
-
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.? Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time, take me to a vet!
-
After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.
“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” “Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”
“July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”
“And he won!” Peter sighed.
“No. He came in seventh.”
-
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're
suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em
fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser
for all them ugly women I've slept with?"
-
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."
The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."
-
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write all of this down.
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football
or golf .
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
__________________
-
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
-
When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
-
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.
The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again!''
-
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any
kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago
given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was
actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when
Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an
extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where you really were after
school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a
movie." said Tommy..
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped
him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and
said, “I am sorry I lied.. We really watched a tape called
“Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When
I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and
said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be
too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair…
-
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; - I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone!
-
:duckling: *RIP Commonsense...
-
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!***
-
IRISH PETROL STATION...A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales,so he put up a sign that read,"Free sex with every fill up"Paddy pulled in,filled his tank,and asked for his free sex..The owner told him to pick a number from 1-10,and said that if he guessed correctly,he would get his free sex.Paddy guessed 8,and the owner said,"You were very close,there the lucky number was 7 sorry,no sex this time...A week later,Paddy with his friend Mick,pulled in for another fill up,again Paddy asked for his free sex.The owner again gave him the same story,and asked him to guess the correct number,paddy guessed 2.The owner said,sorry it was 3,you were very close,but no free sex this time.As they were driving away,Mick said to Paddy,i think that game is rigged,and doesn't really give away free sex at all.Paddy replied,"No,its genuine enough mick,my wife won twice last week,and she's going back tomorrow to try again!"
-
Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think?
His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -
Are Paul and Mary up yet?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think?
His mum replies - Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet?
His mom says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think?
His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..
I gave him my airplane glue.
-
During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home?
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
-
This one's a Cracker !
IT'S a HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high ! "
-
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut 'em off and put them in the pockets.
Your father has a new job with several hundred people under him. He cuts the lawn at the cemetery.
About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday - some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.
The neighbors next door have started to keep pigs. We just got wind of it this morning.
Your father took me to the doctor's the other day. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father tried to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. Once for three days, then for four days. It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.
Love, Your Mama
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
-
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
-
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine.
-
Bloke comes in early from work shouts up the stairs "I'm home"
And hears a clatter from the bed room and his wife's say something so he runs up the stairs and opens the bedroom door there's his wife naked and on the floor
"what's going on?"
"Well I was getting changed and when I heard you shout and it surprised me so much I think I'm having a heart attack"
This panics him and he runs down the stairs to the phone and while he is phoning 999 his son comes up to him and says
"Uncle frank is in the wardrobe with no clothes on"
"What?!"
"Uncle frank ran into my wardrobe and he's got nothing on at all dad"
At this the bloke looses his temper slams the phone down and marches upstairs taking them two at a time goes into the kids room and wrenched the wardrobe door off its hinges and there stands his brother completely naked he grabbed him and yanked him out of the wardrobe and shouted at him
"YOU PIG! THE WIFE IS IN THERE HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOUR RUNNING ROUND THE HOUSE FRIGHTENING THE KIDS!"
-
Did you know that every 30 days it is necessary to clean the computer screen from the inside? Many people ignore this fact and do not know how. Manufacturers take advantage of this ignorance to increase their sales. My IT guy shared this and said feel free to share with my contacts this utility. To clean the screen from the inside, just click this link:
http://www.lingdao.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf
-
Why Parents Drink:
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME.!!:)
-
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
-
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
-
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
-
Did he get wafers with it
-
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
-
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
-
1..900 snipe....
SNIPE..SNIPE..SNIPE..SNIPE..
-
Curtain Rods - an extension of the old story
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases...
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things...
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table,
by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water...
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods..
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left...
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss...
Then, slowly, the house began to smell...
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place...
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned...
Air fresheners were hung everywhere... Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting...
Nothing worked !!!
People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit...
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move,
but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house...
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls...
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place...
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going... She told him the saga of the rotting house... He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange
for having the house...
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth...
But only if he would sign the papers that very day...
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork...
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......
and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!
Don't you just love stories with "happy endings"?
-
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
-
:duckling:
-
:duckling:(http://i625.photobucket.com/albums/tt336/smeeagain61/chicken_dance.gif)
-
You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
-
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
-
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Well folks got anything you would like to add to this???
-
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
-
Patel was bragging to his boss one day,"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.
"Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Patel how about
Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Patel! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Patel's boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's
knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Patel
says."President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Patel says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off
they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Patel . "My folks are from
Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Patel says," This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.
But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, what happened?
"His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Patel?"
-
Tommy Johnston
Dear Son,
Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.
There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.
They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.
Take care of yourself son.
-
Good Bye Grandpa
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
-
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
-
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
-
A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
-
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm
Afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
-
For those of us who are old enough to know about oestrogen issues and you young ladies who have this to look forward to. J
Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'child support payment' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Nurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
OTHER WOMEN
-
A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
-
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) {bless her little heart} purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
_____________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
_______ ________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this 0nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.
She sent another skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the answering-machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
_______________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
-
A deer was trying to cross a busy road but the traffic was very heavy. After waiting unsuccessfully for a few minutes, a bear walked past and said: “Excuse me, there’s a zebra crossing a bit further along the road.” The deer said, “Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am!
-
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
-
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.
The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
-
Q: Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
A: They were repossessed.
Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".
-
I bring my best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.
My wife screams at me as my friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
-
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."
-
I called my Internet provider today and when the guy answered I handed the phone over to my 10-month-old son.
After a minute I took the phone back from him and said, "Hello?"
"Hi," he replied, "Sorry, I didn't understand a word of that."
"That's what it was like when you put me through to your call centre in India last week
-
A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,” “it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”
One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”
-
One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
-
.
-
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
-
.
-
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours.
He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid?
Concerned?
Worried?
that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let him dig. I had the Bastard buried upside down."
-
80000 watchers Snipe.
-
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
-
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."
-
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
-
..
-
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
-
On his Birthday, Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked...
-
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
-
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
-
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
-
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A man walks into a bar & says "Ouch"
..................................................................
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An Irishman wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said to him,........ "You must answer 2 questions on the Holy Bible.
1st, "Who was born in a stable?",.......... "Red Rum", he answered.>
2nd, What do you think of Damascus?"......... "It kills 99% of all known germs", he replied.
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five £20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
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A guy called a budget airline to book a flight. The operator asked: “How many people are traveling? “How should I know?” said the man. “It’s your plane!”
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The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy he replied. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no ******' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
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The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
You're goanna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
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This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
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First post on here 3rd June 2009
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The name is Paddy and As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
With the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
Septic tanks for twenty years."
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A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
...
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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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WHERE CAN I SHOP NOW?
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I should complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
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You should never wear pants when shopping
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, ....... "I did...... Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
Tommy Loves Everyone
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A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:
"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.
The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.
The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".
After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worms in my body
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A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
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A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform walks into a chemist, and from his sporran pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana. He unfolds this, and reveals a neatly folded square silk handkerchief. He unfolds this to reveal a condom, with several patches. He asks the chemist, 'how much to repair this', The chemist says '6 pence,' he then asks 'how much for a new one', the chemist says '10 pence'. He folds the condom back into the silk and the cotton, and goes outside.
A moment later the chemist hears a great shout, followed by an even greater one. The soldier marches back in and addresses the chemist, with a big satisfied grin on his face. 'The regiment has taken a vote, we'll have a new one.'
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works.
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......."
__________________
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When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I should complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
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Decimal currency snipe
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The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t
heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”
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The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
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John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?
"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
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A woman went into a bar and saw a Mountie with his feet propped up on a
table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.
The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, ma'am, why don't you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. Nobody
ever paid me for my services before."
She told him, "Don't be flattered ....just take the money and buy
yourself some boots that fit!"
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
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A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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A guy called a budget airline to book a flight. The operator asked: “How many people are traveling? “How should I know?” said the man. “It’s your plane!”
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A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.
Business or pleasure, he asks?
Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer!
Why?
Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!
My condolences, says the officer!
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!
Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a Will for me!
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The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
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..
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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
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A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community
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A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
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So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too
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Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick says, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
-
There's a raging fire at a chemical plant that's burning out of control. The city fire department are called and start to attack the fire, but it's too much for them and they have to pull back. They call for aid from a neighbouring city, which sends its fire fighters to help, but when they arrive the fire proves too much for them too. Other cities send aid, but none are successful, and the mayor of the town offers a $1m reward to the fire fighters who can quench the blaze. Only one small, rural fire department in the area remains, and they are called. When they arrive in an old, beaten up truck they scream past all the waiting people, and the media circus, and hurtle straight into the fire, where they jump out and attack it, finally putting it out. The mayor rushes over gushing with praise, and says: "Well done, you guys are heroes! What are you going to spend the £1m reward on?" And the rural fire chief replies: "Well, the first thing we'll do is to fix the brakes on that fire truck."
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An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
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After watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?
"She said I don't know; this is the line for the bathroom"
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One day this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, "Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
She asks, "Oh, how come?"
He says, "Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box."
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Dear Johnny:
I’m writing this letter real slow ‘cause I know you can’t read that fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family that lived there took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place has an indoor porcelain washing machine. I haven’t figured out how to use it yet. The first day, I put four shirts in it, pushed the handle down, and haven’t seen them since, although it did refill with water.
The weather’s been nice. It only rained twice this week: three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, you’ll have to sew the buttons back on. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Your father has an important new job. He now has over 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had her baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
The neighbor’s wife had twins and he is out with a shotgun looking for the other man.
Your Uncle Jim fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drowned with a smile on his face. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Grampa went to the doctor. He wasn’t feeling too well. The doctor told him, “take one of these pills a day for the rest of your life.” Grampa is quite upset ‘cause the doctor only gave him thirty pills. By the way, we got a bill from the funeral home. They said if we didn’t make the last payment on grandma’s funeral, up she comes.
Your brother is turning into a neighborhood bully. He can beat up all the kids around except for the Murphy family; they have boys.
Two of your high school friends died the other day. They went off the Cedar Narrows bridge in a pickup truck. Paul was driving; Randy and Scott were in the back. Paul got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Well, that’s all the news for now.
Love, Mom
PS. I was going to send you a check for $10, but I had already sealed the envelope.
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An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"
-
1991 Snipe..
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
-
He was loving it, with a big smile on his face as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards ..... forwards then backwards ..... back and forth.. back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan. Then she let out one almighty scream!!! "I can't park this car! You do it you smug Pig
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Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”
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Two cowboys were out west one day when up ahead they saw an indian, bent over, ear to the gorund.
The one cowboy excitedly said to the other," Hey, do you know what that there injin's a doin??"
The other said he had no idea.
"He's a puttin his ear to the ground so he can a hear all that be goin on in the surrounding area."
So eventually they approached the indian, and as they did he looked up at them and croaked:" Four oxen and a wagon. There's a family on board. Husband, mother, two children. And they're trailing two horses behind."
The one cowboy said to the other,"See! What did I tell you!" And then looking down to the indian he said,"And you can do all that just by putting your ear to the ground and listening to EVERYTHING going on in the surrounding area??"
A mask of pain on the indians face as he looked up and croaked at them again,"Nah. They rode over me about a half hour ago."
-
.
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Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information. "We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven," Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
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http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer
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A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks. "No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."
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Snipe 2000
Youre slipping Thomas!
-
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
-
Snipe 2002
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A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been one of those workers at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
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While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
-
There is a Halloween party at mine details to follow, we are going to scare my neighbours, please bring a bottle and an Immigration officers uniform..
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 Litres of low fat milk, 6 eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, A lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee a 250g pack of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk was standing behind her watching. While the till operator was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly said "You must be single."The woman was a bit startled by this, but she was intrigued by his intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about them that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"The drunk replied, "Cos you're so ugly."
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
-
.
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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
*********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday.."
*********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
*********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
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One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, "Don't mess with my Uncle."
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Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
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I was so drunk last night i took off my shoes folded my clothes over my arm and crept upstairs as not to disturb the wife it was only when I got to the top i realised i was on the bus !
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A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies "50 pence."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "I dont know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
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A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”
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Being very religious the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
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With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.
Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
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The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said,
“Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up,
Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”
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The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”
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I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the pub.
-
.
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A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!
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My blonde wife called me at work and said she can't find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts.
She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone and none of them knew where they were either!
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
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A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
She replied 'No,we have a problem,were a couple,were married,were a unit,
your problem is my problem were in this together.'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'
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Insurance Company.............. A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and
A note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, He takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus ravels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his Key!"
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Mad Cow Disease
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):" Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow
twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was
playing with your boobs twice a day and only having sex once a year,
wouldn't you get mad?"
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a Irma Grese on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
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Kindness costs nothing.......THOUGHT FOR THE DAY..
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it slowly, and then asked, “How much do I owe you?”
“You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.”
He said, “Then I thank you from my heart.”
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Year’s later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room.
She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She began to read the following words:
“Paid in full with one glass of milk.
Signed, Dr. Howard Kelly.”
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Barman says to Paddy "Your glass is empty, fancy another one?"
lookin' puzzled Paddy says "Why would l want two empty glasses?"
-
An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial. The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years. They answered:" We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died".
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Modern Technology I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on papers.' 'Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it.
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On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the bar.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy.
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to afford to keep them!!
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Paddy was walking down the street when he sees a sandwich on the pavement. He goes over & realizes there are wires sticking from it! He thinks to himself 'OMG Oi tink its a bomb!' So he runs to the phone box & rings the police. he says 'Oi was just walkin' down the street when I spotted this sandwich on the pavement. Then I realize its got wires sticking out of it' The officer on the other end is typing in details to the computer and asks 'Is it ticking?' Paddy thinks carefully for a few seconds then replies slowly ' No ... I tink its beef!'.........
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A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
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Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in Canada.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Internet technical advice.
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Oh no no no no no
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek:
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RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -- Management
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The coolest headstone was a Utah cowboy and it read:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
...
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me...
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British Telecom needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from England and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do
Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out
At end of the shift, the two English guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys, came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in." "The boss gasped, "Three? Those two English guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!
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A woman was sleeping in her bed when her husband crashing through the front door at 3 am waked her up. He staggered and tried to get up the stairs, " what are you doing" she shouted, the husband replies " I’m trying to get a gallon of beer up the stairs" "leave it down there" she bellowed "I cant" he replied " I’ve drunk it".
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A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
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Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.
They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"
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A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky.
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Things children say:
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
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There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill. So he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the third day and if he's not better, we're going to have kill her." Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said, “Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to kill you!” On the second day, they again gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..." On the third day, they came to give the horse the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to kill her tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses." After they left, the goat approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on... Get up... Get up... That's it, slowly... Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yes! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!" All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party." He called his servant, "Tunde, kill and prepare the goat!" Now
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Milk and eggs
This is a story which apparently is perfectly logical to all males.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
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Dear Redneck son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week, I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week: the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send: your uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite aunt,
Mom!!..
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A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:
"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.
The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.
The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".
After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worms in my body".
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics in London, the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car. .
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing..
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
10: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
20: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
21: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. .
22: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
23: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates...
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There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent ... Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident? A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: By whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell,
The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.
As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!"
at the top of his voice.
The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the
Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.
The second condemned man a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!", with exactly the same highly successful effect and off he scampered.
The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues,
determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"
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A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
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I saw two blond girls the other day the one said 'I locked my keys in car' other said 'we best hurry up it looks as if its about to rain and the roofs down!
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The Blonde's New Car.................
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off to meet her friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening, but she didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran to her and asked her "What Happened"
She got out of the car, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers ,these people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!!..
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An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Indian: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Indian: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Indian: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20
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Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week!!.
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A guy was driving his new Corvette way too fast on the highway. Suddenly, he heard the siren and saw the police car with its lights on behind him. Hesitantly, he pulled over and waited for the officer, his sun glasses still on, and his cigarette still lit, arrogant smile on his face.
"Sir, you are aware that you were driving 30 mph over the speed limit, aren't you?" the officer said as he handed the man his violation ticket.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist arrogantly.
“Keep it,” said the officer, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle
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Apologies for the long post but I think I've finally figured out what is happening in the Middle East:
President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people rebelled and the Rebels (who are good) started winning (Hurrah!). But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic State ( who are definitely bad!) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good.)
So the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which was good.
By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who want to fight IS ( which is a good thing ) but the Turkish authorities think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they're good and giving them guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is another matter.
Getting back to Syria.
So President Putin ( who is bad, cos he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium poisoned sushi ) has decided to back Assad (who is still bad) by attacking IS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing?
But Putin ( still bad ) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good).
Now Iran (who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (still bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.
So a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad.
Now the British (obviously good, except some freak called Corbyn who, incidentally wears a corduroy jacket, which is dead give away as that's never good) and the Americans (also good) cannot attack Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good / bad) and now they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS (who are super bad).
So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS (but let’s face it, drinking your own wee is better than IS so no real choice there) and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them Good. America (still Good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and that nice mad Ayatollah in Iran (also Good) and so they may be forced to say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join IS (still the only constantly bad group).
To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good (Doh!)
Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal (mmmm... might have a point) and hence we will be seen as Bad.
So now we have America (now bad) and Britain (also bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (Good / bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also Good) and Putin (also, now, unbelievably, Good) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started?
I hope that clears all this up for you.
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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
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My mother always told me "If you can't say something nice about someone.......They're probably a Jerk!
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I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
...
I said, "No I'm not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk?
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The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."
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A Blondes Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make coffee.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of London is "L".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked Chicken for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
Oh and what will December bring?
Oh my what a year so far!!..
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I went to the Canary Islands and there was no Canaries there. I went to the Virgin Islands and guess what....there was no Canaries there either.
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Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are."
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied
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http://www.ozroundtable.com/index.php?board=5.0
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A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. Because she's wearing a uniform, he quickly concludes that she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: “ To Fly. To Serve. "
The woman looks at him blankly...
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “ Winning the hearts of the world."
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysia Airlines motto:” Going beyond expectations"
The woman looks at him sternly and says, "What the hell do you want?"
"Aha," he says, "RYAN AIR "
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Here we go again?????http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/feb/10/catholic-bishops-not-obliged-report-clerical-child-abuse-vatican-says
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I took my dog to the dole office yesterday to see what benefits he was entilited to, the man behind the counter said " you idiot we don't give dogs benefits" so I argued, why not? He's Brown, he stinks, he's never worked a day in his life and he can't speak a word of English... The man behind the counter said his first payment will be on Monday!!
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THANK YOU FOR BOOKING 2 TICKETS AT THE DISCOUNTED PRICE OF £99
Would you like to sit down during your flight? Yes/No You have chosen yes £56
Would you like to sit down on the way back? Yes/No You have chosen yes £72
Would you like your legs to fit in the seating area with you? Yes/No You have chosen yes £82
Will you be wearing clothes on your holiday? Yes/No you have chosen yes
and you will therefore need bags to put them in £52
Do you have your own insurance? Yes/No you have chosen yes therefore the compulsory insurance will be discounted by 10% as our gift to you £64
Will you want insurance for your wife? Yes/No You have answered no, but you have to £64
YOU ARE HALF WAY TO BOOKING THE FLIGHT OF YOUR DREAMS!
Are you both taking golf clubs Yes/No You have answered yes £82
Will you both require the in flight meals? Yes/No You have answered yes £34
Will you require the use of the onboard toilets Yes/No You have answered yes £34
Will you be doing No 1 or No2s (Due to the data protection act we are not allowed to show the answer but we have noted your requirements and priced accordingly) £196
Would you like to give us a little bit more money under the guise of a green tax which
we will pretend it will help the environment? Yes/No You have unsurprisingly answered No. Fair enough
YOUR GRAND TOTAL £887
(NEARLY FINISHED!)
One final question Will you be paying with a card? Yes/No You have chosen yes £88:70
YOUR FINAL GRAND TOTAL £975:70
TOTAL BILL INCLUDING AIRPORT TAX £1073:70
Moving on to your Hotel will you be requiring beds ???????
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Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies and have sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States
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I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.
I think they might be trying to groom me...
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Hello again.
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I hereby give my permission to the police, the NSA, FBI, the CIA, the Avengers, the tooth fairy, the men in black, etc, all on my profile to watch and like! I am aware that my privacy ended the day, when I registered with me on Facebook.
I know that whatever I post, divided, or can be copied. And that only because I bloody fascinating am!
I find it comforting to know that the NSA a backup all my documents and photos has (at least makes a a backup).
If you have any questions, please look at my whatsapp over
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Wife: I hate that beggar.........................
Husband: Why?...........................
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a Cookbook!
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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
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Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...
'You want ... garlic chicken wif flide lice???
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!!
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I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs off, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good!
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What the Fire Chief Said - Priceless
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!!
In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.
A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, Lived on the first floor, they died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, All illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, And they, too, all perished in the fire.
6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers, & ex-cons, Lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know, Why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics, All died in the fire and why only the White couple lived?
The Fire Chief said, "They were at work"
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Don't suppose anyone has the number for Oxfam? I just got my water bill an then heard on the TV that oxfam can supply a family with water for just £2 a month! I'm swappin suppliers!
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A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!
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1st Time advice for a girl......
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinking?
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
.................................................. .........................................
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
.................................................. .........................................
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
.................................................. .........................................
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
.................................................. .........................................
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
.................................................. .........................................
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords cycle shop."
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There comes a time when my wife just has to trust her husband... For example...
My wife came home unexpectedly a day early, late at night, and quietly opened the door to our bedroom. Under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two.
She grabbed the baseball bat that we have for protection, and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she went to the kitchen to get a drink.
As she entered, she saw me, .....her husband
reading a magazine at the table.
“Hello Darling”, I said, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did I do right"?
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Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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Irish Password
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "Bejazus! are yez ' stupid?
Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital".
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!!
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My two kids keep coughing so I took them to see the doctor today.
"Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me.
"Yes." I replied. "About 20 a day."
"That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you would be to give them up."
"Fair enough, doc." I said, shaking his hand, "I'll call social services in the morning."
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BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top....
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A young man decided to rob a house at the edge of the forest after he saw the dwellers put their luggage in the car and drive away.
The neighbor saw him break the back window and enter the house at the end of the Cul-de-sac and called the police. When the police arrived the young man bolted out the back doors into the woods and ran all he could.
All this time the police officer stayed on his trail, about two miles into the woods he dropped to the ground exhausted; he looks at the cop and asked:
-“listen, it’s dark out here, I’m dressed in black, how could you track me down?”
The cop replies: “Did you forget your shoes blink every time you take a step?”
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..
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This is a hoot but close to the truth of today's kids, their cell
phones and tablets.
Daughter texting to dad:
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check
book.
I am in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in
Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became
friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on
Skype, and now we have had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes and a
really
big wedding". Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly.
Dad’s reply also by texting:
My dear Lilly … Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever! I suggest you two get
married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay
for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new
husband,
sell him on eBay.
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Hilary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious! Here she is about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you???!!!
I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!
YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,
"Who is this?"
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Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.
When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you prat?"
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If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious shite about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shite like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a felafeling UTOPIA!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bloody library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 5 pence!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shite out of us! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and felafel it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILED LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the cooker! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little comfy chairs wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!
Regards,
Grumpy old bastard!!.. :)
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Joseph and Mary lived in a barn. Mary had just given birth to a baby boy, Joseph was a carpenter by trade but had no work.
On this particular day, after another unsuccessful day at the job centre, Joseph trudges back to the barn on his donkey. He then notices three men on camels carrying parcels and they take them into the barn.
Joseph gets off his donkey, storms into the barn and shouts, ", Mary; we've just had a baby, I'm unemployed and you are ordering stuff out of the catalogue."
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72 Virgins
A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because anatomical conundrums like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied
"Who said they were women?"
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Guy goes to a Doctor and says he has a problem with Sex.
"Doctor, I think my Member is Too Small" he says.
The Doctor asks him which Drink he prefers..???
"Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, says the Doc. It shrinks things those Lagers.
You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the Doctor with a big
smile on his face. He shakes the Doctor by the hand and thanks
him.
"I take it, you now drink Guinness"..?? asked the Doc.
"Guinness My Arse", replies the man "I've got the Wife on Lager"
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pmsl some crackers in this....
Genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2 !!..
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HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED..???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
NO, THOUGHT NOT..!:)
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Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, “You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!”
One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feedback and she took her son out from that school. She even moved to another city.
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her,
Being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk. In turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and she died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed (working as a cleaner in that hospital) who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.
Don’t tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor …
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... UK television, some good choices, thanks to Tommy.
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Dear milkman...
I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
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Youre milking those notes for all theyre worth
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A man comes home to his wife after golfing.
The wife asks, “Honey how come you never play with Bob anymore.”
The man replies, ” Would you want to play with a man who cheats all the time, who lost his ball then pulls one out of his pocket saying he found it, a man who really got a 7 but marks down a 5, a man who takes 3-foot gimme’s.”
The wife says, “No I wouldn’t.”
The man says, “Neither would Bob.”
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Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”She was right — our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in our day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.
So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then. We walked upstairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks .But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity .But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But, isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart young person…
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Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet.
Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"
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The other day I went to the local religious bookstore, where I saw, ‘HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS,’ bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!!” as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, “GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!” Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like, “Mother trucker,” or “Mother’s from there.” Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
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... but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
Do you have these people in Melbourne? We have a few in Sydney.
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Signs You’re Getting Old.
20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.
15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."
14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.
10. You take naps.
9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.
8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh heck, what happened?"
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one.
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... but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
Do you have these people in Melbourne? We have a few in Sydney.
Oh yes. They step on the pedal at the very last moment, completely oblivious to the green light or green arrow, and uncaring of the justly annoyed drivers waiting behind...
But my philosophy of driving is - don't get too upset about bad drivers. They're always going to be there, and honking at them or yelling at them doesn't magically improve their concentration, common sense, courtesy, awareness or driving skills in the slightest. I keep my cool (as a general rule) and focus on trying to ensure I myself drive safely and courteously and efficiently.
(I do get upset though when I'm in the middle of cooking a mammoth meal and the power goes off three times and the stupid gluten-free egg-free pasta dough won't behave enough for me to make ravioli with the ravioli attachment. It's worse, far worse, than your average "frustrating and inconvenient" situation. So beware of me in the kitchen when everything goes wrong. I have been known to go into dramatic lament over misbehaving dough, like a soprano going into agonies upon discovering that her cruel husband has murdered her secret (and chaste) beloved and had the body parts baked up (very Jacobean, very "Titus") and served to her in a dish she has eaten unbeknownst...
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This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman In a brand new VW !! You know, a VW with rigged emissions!
Doing 75mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don ' t scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver,
Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand. In all
The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against
The steering wheel, it knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned
Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS.
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"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in
he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
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CLASSIC ONE-LINER QUESTIONS:
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3 . Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shihtzu, would it be called a bullshit?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
13. What do people in China call their 'good' plates?
14. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
15. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
16. What do you call male ballerinas?
17. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
20. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
21. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
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;D
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;D
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;D
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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast
on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
“Oh my Lord," says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
….It's a mir….Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to
the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you,
take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent
over from the Curia in Rome Italy . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the
town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
(quite outside the natural laws of the universe). Yet the Holy See must be very cautious
before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that
Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
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The latest UK news re EMB:
We are deeply upset to report that EMB has died.
(Nothing further is known as this point. We will miss him very much.)
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This is the news that was feared. It is sad to find out those fears were well founded.
Embsie, you will be missed, indeed.
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With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water.
After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled, "Go to sleep, I'm watching TV."
"But Dad," he protested, "my room is still on fire!"
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Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
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Does anyone know how long you cook those 'boil in a bag fish' you get given from the funfair?.
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https://www.asbestos.com/asbestosis/
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One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a violent street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God, there are some evil, thieving street gangers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”
God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Send them down to hell.”
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling, “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!”
-“Who, the street gangers?”
-“No, the Pearly Gates.”
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My wife was furious when I untagged myself from some pictures she put up of me on Facebook. "They were totally embarrassing!" I pleaded with her. "Embarrassing?" My wife snapped. "It was our wedding day you pig "..
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Laptop and i Pad Cleaner.. Can be used on Phones too...
http://bit.ly/19d8ABV
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.. A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison.
He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.”
At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!”
“The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans.
The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!”
“Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks – utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
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A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets. The boy behind the counter said,
-“Gosh, you’re ugly aren’t you?, I’ve never seen anyone so hideous as you before.”
-“Young man” she replied. ” I didn’t come here to be insulted!”
-“Really”, he said, “Where do you usually go ?”
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELD2AwFN9Nc
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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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Laptop and i Pad Cleaner.. Can be used on Phones too...
http://bit.ly/19d8ABV
-
A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"
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Sorry McDonald's lovers yucky news!!
I knew there was a reason why I like Jamie Oliver!!
Hamburger chef Jamie Oliver has just won a battle against one of the largest fast food chains in the world. After Oliver showed how McDonald’s hamburgers are made, the franchise announced it will change its recipe.
According to Oliver, the fatty parts of beef are “washed” in ammonium hydroxide and used in the filling of the burger. Before this process, according to the presenter, the food is deemed unfit for human consumption.
According to the chef and presenter, Jamie Oliver, who has undertaken a war against the fast food industry: “Basically, we’re taking a product that would be sold in the cheapest way for dogs, and after this process, is being given to human beings.”
Besides the low quality of the meat, the ammonium hydroxide is harmful to health. Oliver calls it “the pink slime process.”
“Why would any sensible human being put meat filled with ammonia in the mouths of their children?” asked the chef, who wages a war against the fast food industry.
In one of his initiatives, Oliver demonstrates to children how nuggets are made. After selecting the best parts of the chicken, the remains (fat, skin and internal organs) are processed for these fried foods.
The company, Arcos Dorados, the franchise manager in Latin America, said such a procedure is not practiced in the region. The same applies to the product in Ireland and the UK, where they use meat from local suppliers.
In the United States, Burger King and Taco Bell had already abandoned the use of ammonia in their products. The food industry uses ammonium hydroxide as an anti-microbial agent in meats, which has allowed McDonald’s to use otherwise “inedible meat.”
Even more disturbing is that because ammonium hydroxide is considered part of the “component in a production procedure” by the USDA, consumers may not know when the chemical is in their food.
On the official website of McDonald’s, the company claims that their meat is cheap because, while serving many people every day, they are able to buy from their suppliers at a lower price, and offer the best quality products.
In addition, the franchise denied that the decision to change the recipe is related to Jamie Oliver’s campaign. On the site, McDonald’s has admitted that they have abandoned the beef filler from its burger patties.
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In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in… …. ….
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He had memorized Moscow street maps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. …
…
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted into the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
“Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
“5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
“It’s just around the block, Comrade American.”
Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka. …
“Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?”
“Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”
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A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
– I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
– I want to be the only one in his life.
– I want him to sleep always by my side.
– I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone….!!!
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On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.
-“Oh, it’s not over yet.” He said.
Once home, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and inside are two small tablets.
She asked, “But what are these two little pills?”
-“Aspirin.” The man replied.
-“But, I don’t have a headache.” She said.
-“There you go, I told you the evening wasn’t over yet!” he snidely said.
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The regular taster at a winery died and the director had to look for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
-“That’s correct”, said the boss.
The boss handed him another glass. “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
-“Correct.”
A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”
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I asked my neighbour what her little daughter wanted for her birthday ???? She said its all the rage the kids love it so anything Frozen....the kid looked angry with the Iceland peas I got her..
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A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked,
-“Honey, are you feeling all right?”
-“Not really,” the blonde replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”
-“Poor dear,” Mom said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?”
-“I couldn’t,” she replied, “There was no one there.”
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I may have a claim to the throne of England.
This claim is based upon an invisible and as-yet undiscovered family tree written on bark. You cannot get much better verification than that.
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I walked by the bathroom, and my wife was in there covering her face in creams and lotions. “What are you doing?” I asked her sarcastically. “I’m trying to make myself beautiful.” 15 minutes later, I walked by again and she was wiping it all off… “Giving up already?” I asked
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During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
-“Doctor,” she replied shyly, “I just can’t undress in front of you.”
-“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re through.”
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:
-“Doctor, I’ve undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?”
-“Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”
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Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,
-“Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second student replied,
-“Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first accountant nodded approvingly,
-“Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted.”
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To all the people of the UK, in particular those living in the Manchester region...
My love and sympathy go out to all of you. You do not deserve such an attack; facing the aftermath with mutual support shows your strength of heart and your courage in the face of terrorism.