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61
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 28, 2024, 05:45:57 AM »
What are the signs
that someone is
breadcrumbing you?
Is this manipulative?

The “miss you” text is a #1 sign of breadcrumbing. The perpetrator, (pwNPD or just a lame jerk) who wants to keep you on the back burner of their dating rotation will put in a minimum investment of time or energy on their part to keep you as a back up plan to ensure they will never be too lonely.

People who breadcrumb are like hoarders. They operate at their core from a place of lack and fear. They are afraid that they will be lonely so they hoard people and keep relationships shallow and take as much attention from you as possible.

With two simple words “miss” and “you” they can elicit an emotional connection that will start a conversation with someone who will take the bait and give them attention. For all you know the “miss you” text could have been sent to every person in the sender’s dating list in a mass message.

And yes, breadcrumbing is manipulation. The breadcrumber invests almost nothing and hopes that the recipient will show them how important or powerful they are by having the recipient respond with enthusiasm. The breadcrumbs tend to stop, with possible “Hail Mary” exceptions on holidays or when the breadcrumber is reaching to the back burner people because they lost their primary sources of attention. Life is better when you block them.

Edit: To clarify how it is manipulative, the breadcrumber chooses if and when to connect and controls the relationship without communicating expectations to the other person and purposefully jerking a person around is manipulative.

62
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 28, 2024, 05:33:56 AM »
What does "breadcrumbing" mean?

A word used for random, non-committal crumbs of attention, random texts, comments, midnight voice notes.... enough to make you follow, keep you interested, allow you to form desires, longings, expectations, but without true fulfilment of anything concrete at the end of the trail.


Breadcrumbing is another way of hedging ones bets. No one wants to feel like an option so it allows someone to keep that thread loosely tied without the pressure of making a choice.

The thing is that people, like threads, can snap.

Are you being breadcrumbed? Well, ask yourself this:

Are you still hungry after you've eaten those crumbs? Are you longing for more?

Alternatively, how many times have you ignored the crumbs only to find that more are cast down because you haven't eaten the previous ones, in a display of “oh crap, they're slipping away, better up my crumb game or this option is gone for good.”

Breadcrumbing isn't an issue until it is. Not everyone is affected in the same way, some can shrug it off, others cannot, and there lies the problem. It is not even about consistency, as breadcrumbing can actually be consistent but the content of it does not nourish or fulfil in any way, it merely fosters attachment.

I don't breadcrumb, and I hate it being done to me.

We are worth more than being strung along as an option while somebody has their fun!

63
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 28, 2024, 05:25:17 AM »
What are the biggest signs
that someone has
narcissistic personality disorder?

23.11.2017 Original answer

I will give brief showdown of some behaviors narcissist do and what’s motive behind those behaviors. Some behaviors are specifically to narcissist and can be considered as red flags. I will give you some insight in narcissist motivation and mindset.

There are multiple ways narcissism can show off in person.

There are overt narcissist who are proud of themselves. There’s covert narcissist which is trying to be your friend but secretly is using you for narcissistic supply.

There are somatic and cerebral types which use people for narcissistic supply trough their bodies(somatic) or their intellectual abilities (cerebral)

I have experience with cerebral , covert narcissist who is very intelligent but he has NPD.

Red flags are :

-Coming on from nowhere with laser pointed attention and looking like your soulmate.

-Constant lies which are manufactured in a way to make you feel close to them - those lies have mission to bond with you in a way that make you reliable source of narcissistic supply (covert narcissist do this).

Example : Hey i do that same as you , we are so alike. (You are being idolized and lied to in attempt to make you in reliable form of supply)

-No regard for personal boundaries. Narcissist see your boundaries as something which they have to overcome throughout manipulation. If you say you don’t eat meat they wouldn’t say ok it’s your choice but rather will give you 20 arguments why you should eat meat. They like to feel in control. They feel grandiose.

After idealization phase , they moved quickly on you and had laser pointed attention and you felt like you found soulmate. In reality they just conditioned you to be constant source of supply. That’s what they need to survive. Narcissist don’t have self love. They can’t generate their own worth , they must get that from others thus you can see them as addicts to attention.

They have strategies to attain attention. When everything seems harmonious narcissist makes drama. For example my NPD colleague said he is moving to another school. HE wanted validation that he exist , best way to do that for narc is drama.

REMEMBER narcs prefer good attention but if they can’t get good attention they will use bad form of attention - being feared , hated… They don’t care what you think but they want to be acknowledged.

Narcissist see humans as extension of themselves. They exist to support their fantasies. Narcissist have followers which are deceived in same way as narcissist (I am guilty of being follower but i know that’s what i have to do for peace with NPD). You only exist to serve narcissist needs for self importance.

Narcissist like attention , they want to be listened , they want your time and understanding , they want you to admire their intelligence. You can slowly see how they start to interact with you as a thing. When they need understanding and attention they will emit narcissistic signal and they expect you to and give resipricate them positive attention.

If you confront narcissist you immediately become enemy. That’s called splitting. Narcissist use splitting whole time. They split people in 2 groups. One that can give narc supply and others who can’t or won’t. Those that can’t or wont are worthless and ignored.

Narcissist can abuse you when you confront them , you are not idealized anymore. Their fantasy shatters down as you confrot them. They become enraged to see their fantastic source destroyed so they will be abusive. You are becoming target of their rage.

Good way to see if somebody is narcissist is to ask them what makes them happy. They will have hard time answering this question and you will see them making an effort in lying. They could also use this opportunity to lie to you and to make themselves appear more like you.

Another good way of identifying narcissist is their inconsistency with how they act towards others. If person of low value (in their eyes is not good supply) is wanting to interact with them , they will shrug them off with rudeness and rage. Opposite is true when high potential value comes near.

Tactic to maintain control over you and make you more easy to fall in their fantasy is gaslighting. Gaslighting is basically narcissist way of controlling your view of world. You might say something happened in certain way and they will tell you how it “truly ” happened . It’s like they know and you don’t you are a fool and they are *always* right.

After spending some time with narc they take you for granted and will comeback when they need reassurance and dose of supply , if you can’t provide they will abuse you or find some other source which is willing to do so.

You can see new people being charmed by narcissist and sucked in pathological fantasy world. You might feel sorry to see that happen and nobody believes you until they experience NPD person. You can see how they try to charm others and it’s same way you have been conditioned to be supply. Narcissist is expanding his pathological safe space or fantasy.

I have became good reader of NPD people and can identify them quickly. I am not psychiatrist. Their mindset is stunningly terrifying to me but also fascinating. Their way of going trough life for me seems stupendously hard to maintain. They have to maintain their false self all the time to feed their cravings for attention and to cure their anxiety in that way. AT same time i feel sorry for them having this anxiety but i hate them for their actions and disgusting behaviors sometime.

NPDs are fascinating to study , emotional roller coaster to be friends or partner with and terrible to be one.

——————————————————————————————————

EDIT / ADDITION as I have more things to say now. (21.8.2020)

Narcissist have selctive memory and gaslihting is actually then natural thing for them to do. They really don’t think that they are lying. Their memory and what happend and what they wished to happen is twisted. It’s again their fantasy taking away from reality.

So what you think and they think is equally valuable in some sense. It’s just that you are right and they probably aren’t when it comes to memory. But you can’t blame them for forgeting or not knowing, it isn’t their choice. Yeah it is frustrating to live trough that.

(Well this answers achieves everything i wanted, putting more stuff would make it complex and uncompresible in clear way which i tend to do now lol).

——————————————————————————————————

To conclude some red flags are :

Coming in on you quick and showering you with attention.

Inconsistency with dealing with people.

Superficial charm and mirroring your personality.

Empty eye stare (emotionless).

Constant need of attention and drama seeking.

Engagement in arguments only to win , not to conclude.

Gaslighting your view of reality.

Splitting people in 2 groups , ultimately good and ultimately bad.

Hard time talking about true emotions and their own character traits in meaningful way.

Hyper vigilant , always on guard for insults.

Using guilt to manipulate.

No respect of your boundaries , always trying to manipulate you in their ways either by reasons or guilt trips.

Brief displays of arrogance from time to time.

Wanting you to make commitments without you not knowing them very well.

They hate answering personal questions in early stages. They would rather ask you questions and collect data to form mirroring image of you.

First thanks for reading to end, and i hope this information can help you to be emotionally stable near narcissists and to predict their behavior.

64
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 28, 2024, 05:13:41 AM »
What are the smallest
signs that someone has narcissistic personality
disorder?


I will give just one sign.

A narcissist will go out of their way, massively inconvenience themselves, spend $500 and an entire day spent shopping, just to get you an insignificant knick knack that wasn’t even that important to you just because they wanted to.

And then, tomorrow, when you need the narcissist to just lift a finger and spend 5 minutes helping you out with something that absolutely needs two people, otherwise your project would be ruined, they won’t lift that finger, or give you the 5 minutes just because they didn’t want to.

And then when you complain that you don’t need them to spend $500 getting you an unimportant knick knack, but you absolutely needed their help for your vital project, and it was just lifting a finger and 5 minutes, and how important it was for them to (please) understand that the 5 minutes and one finger lift means more to you than the $500 knick knack (the route to happiness is to be understood), they attack you for being ungrateful.

And you look at your project, and it’s still ruined because you had to do it alone (for just that 5 minutes), and because of that, it toppled and fell over. And you turn to look at the $500 knick knack that you never really wanted (now you want it even less). And you wonder why life is so complicated (you feel trapped).

That’s when you know you are dealing with a narcissist.

When the narcissist was still in your life, all you got was frustration (because they kept antagonizing you).

Later when it was all over, looking back, all you feel is sadness and grief (because everything was wasted, and you and everyone only had that much life to spend on anything).

Narcissists are good for nothing (as far as happiness is concerned), in other areas, I’m sure they are good for something.

Some people claim that narcissism is just pure, simple selfishness. And that it’s not complex.

I disagree. Narcissistic gaslighting justifications slip through conventional notions of selfishness with ease (see, I got you that $500 precious, life saving jewel).

I prefer this alternative definition of narcissism: it’s a will hostile to all other wills.

This is a form of crazymaking I call withholding care and concern.

The narcissist will walk a thousand miles ‘for you’, as long as it doesn’t involve care and concern for your welfare and feelings, but as soon as your welfare and feelings apply, their default ‘compulsively withhold care, concern, and civility to degrade and micro-abuse you’ suddenly kicks in.

So the narcissist will shower you with time, money, effort, as long as you do not actually benefit from it.

65
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 27, 2024, 11:19:52 PM »
Enlightenment is like a flower that keeps opening its petals infinitely. When you feel you have grasped something, another mystery unravels. Life is a continuous learning curve as long as we humble ourselves.

It's Time To Wake Up - Alan Watts on Religion

66
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 27, 2024, 11:07:19 PM »
:tello: "In my House, ppl have one shot to fvck up, and they TOOK IT!"
67
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 27, 2024, 10:55:09 PM »
Confessions - Why Sigma Males Are Giving Up On Friendship


@ronaldculley

This inspires me to commit to the wholesale liquidation of my facebook friends list. Like, FLOCK OFF you phonies. Talk or die. What have you done for me? Why are you so lame? Etc.

I have very few friends because most ppl are not qualified.

68
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 27, 2024, 10:31:24 PM »
What happens when a narcissist feels shame?


I think that when they get ashamed its like they are staring at the empty void that is actually their real state of mind. Its so scary and terrifying that they quickly find someone else to blame or replace the shame with epic rage. They NEED to block it.

As far as I understand, shame is at the core of their problem. They were shamed by their parents and grew up so ashamed that they develop incredibly messed up behaviors to cope with it.

So, I think they can "be ashamed" but not "feel ashamed", because they block it. In my experience the worst episodes that they have is when they are ashamed but block it by acting insane. They cannot admit to the shame because it would mean both vulnerability and perceived inferiority. So they instead rage at the scapegoat I guess.

So on the outside it looks like they never feel shame, but from what I've read and pondered shame is actually a big part of what has them flocked up all the time.

69
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 27, 2024, 10:19:58 PM »
Why do empaths make narcissists uncomfortable?

This is easily answered with a direct quotation from the most malignant narcissist I had a relationship with, identifies male (not the most malignant one I know, identifies female*), “I don't do self- reflection.“

It's that simple. Even during casual conversation, empaths, by virtue of their natures, tend to constantly self-reflect and seek self improvement. Not the showy, Tony Robbins fire-walking method (that's designed for narcissists by a narcissist), but going back to school, getting sober, or going on a silent yoga retreat (things that take actual work and commitment).

Because this drive for improvement is in the forefront of empaths’ minds, not only for themselves but for the world (remember, when with another person, an empath’s instinct is to see from other's POV), the empaths can't help but bring the subject up in conversation in some form. The narcissist will always take this as criticism.

To suggest that the narcissist isn't already perfect, that he needs any improvement, is anathema to his self image. To realize that someone he's chosen for supply needs improvement, and will readily admit it, makes her not only weak and pathetic in his eyes but tells him that he made a mistake! She's not the perfect source he's always searching for. But he CAN'T make mistakes because he's perfect, so she must have deliberately, malignly tricked him. But he CAN'T be tricked because his intellect is perfect.

And so it goes …

No matter what intellectual gymnastics the narcissist performs to figure out how this horror occurred, he will make her pay for not being the perfect source.

But the narcissist is compelled, over and over, to search for this perfect empath, a human battery that will never run dry, never criticize, and always meet the impossible demands of his empty soul. He knows this is his fatal flaw, his greatest weakness, but like an addict he keeps going back, unable, even with a new source, to stop searching for MORE FUEL.

So, when you get down to it, a strong empath to a narcissist is analogous to a shaky-handed alcoholic staring at a bottle of booze -- he fears and desires it in equal measure.

*Editorial Note: I feel I need to address my pronoun selection for this particular answer. I'm well aware that there are a hefty number of women narcissists & narcissistic mothers do extraordinary damage. I also know and empathize with the men who've suffered from those same women.

I'm also keenly aware that women aren't the planet's sole empaths, personally and statistically.

My original intent of pronoun selection stemmed from simple mathematics; the percentage of men per capita who fall under the NPD diagnostic criteria is far greater than that of women.

This being said, I do plan to do some editing to eliminate some pronouns, but should I change one element to the neutral “they,” I have to change both, otherwise I'm playing editorial favorites. At that point, clarity & readability goes out the window.

This, I think, is my best answer until grammar catches up to society.

70
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on April 27, 2024, 09:49:00 PM »
How do narcissists
destroy you?


For starters, the narcissist couldn’t give a ff about you once they’ve left you in a heap of misery. What they do care about is what they can take and exploit from you with zero reciprocity. They’ll destroy your health, finances, friendships, employment, family or anything else you hold dear. But here’s how they destroy you bit by bit over time;

Manipulation, exploitation, gaslighting

Pathological lying / deceit

Leading doubles lives

Infidelity; promiscuity, serial cheating, having hidden dating profiles and hookup apps across multiple platforms

Physical health; subjecting you to the possibility of contracting a raft of STDs as they feign exclusivity while banging tf out of multiple sex partners simultaneously throughout your relationship

Blame shifting, sidestepping accountability for their countless misdeeds and betrayals

Addictions; drugs, alcohol, pornography, compulsive masturbation, sex and / or gambling

Financial abuse

Triangulation; introducing third parties into the relationship to create jealousy

Verbal abuse, put downs, shaming and blaming

Intimacy avoidance / withdrawal

Shirking domestic responsibilities; failing to maintain the home, clean, cook, shop for groceries or pay bills - they’ll expect all this from you

Intermittent dosing; when you’re into devaluation, you’ll be sprinkled with reminders of how they were during the love bombing phase to keep you in the game and supply them with zero fs given and no reciprocity

Future faking; promising you a bright future with no intent on following through

Grooming and lining up your replacement at a time of their choosing - this doesn’t include the string of infidelities prior to the new replacement being found

Smear campaigning; playing the victim, trashing your good name to anyone who will listen to elicit sympathy to set the storyline in place for their discard

Duper’s delight; the feeling of power and control they get to sadistically gratify themselves when they deceive you relentlessly. This gives them a sense of power and control over you and the relationship dynamic

By the end of it all, you’ll even question your own sense of reality due to the mind f’ckery at every turn. Narcissists destroy people and do so with hatred and contempt for you.

They then walk away without even a backwards glance blowing up each relationship they enter.

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