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The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on Today at 05:45:18 AM »
Are narcissists bad people?

Ooh what a tightrope.

Are they GOOD people?

Absolutely not.

They lie (constantly), they sleep around causing physical and emotional damage, they steal your energy, love and things. They deceive and manipulate, they do not love yet dishonour that word as it falls from their lips. They do not reflect, feel meaningful remorse and they DO NOT CHANGE. (NPD).

It troubles me to say, of all abuses, and abusers, these ones walk a devious shadow life where they won't destroy with swift violence (cleanly, painlessly, with murderous mercy) but will wound you endlessly with a grin and a hug and a hope or 2 - again and again and again (until you do the only sensible thing, which is bolt and never look back).

They take all that could be good - love, opportunity, promises, faith, trust, reality, peace, loyalty, innocence, commitment and smash your understanding of all of this and more. They'll undo your very soul.

And they do it all knowingly and deny it all in a heartbeat. Smiling.

Pain and falsehood is willingly, cleverly, gleefully, administered and once they're done with you, having learned a few more tricks, they'll do it to another, and another and another.

They are terrorists, they terrorise quietly, wreck lives, lead others to dark depths unimaginable and leave them drowning, whilst staring from the shore. If no one is looking, whilst whispering sweet sonnets, they'll push you under just enough that you remain visible. Just.

If badness exists (and it does) I can think of few lives more wrapped in it than theirs.
___________________________________

Sadly, my answer needs to be yes. Although they do know right from wrong and potentially have a conscience - they have a profound ability to override it. They are VERY selfish, self-absorbed, spoiled, entitled, brat toddlers in an adult body. And unlike a toddler, they do have an adult brain that knows better.

They are pathological liars who often believe their own lies…so they rarely take ANY personal responsibility for their bad acts. And they BLAME everyone else for all of their problems and troubles (that THEY cause).

Because they are able to twist reality to fit what they want, they can be very dangerous to others, and really are capable of doing anything to anyone if they believe they can get away with it - and find scapegoats to blame.

So…”Are they bad people”?
You decide what you choose to call “bad”.
_______________________________________

OMG when I saw this I just had to answer!

ABSOLUTELY!

They are the worst people you will ever meet in your life. They serve NO positive purpose on this planet. They contribute nothing. They use people, take from people and their ultimate goal is to destroy anyone and everything that comes into their path. The have no good or positive intentions. Nothing positive will ever come out of their mouth.

Because when they are talking they are LYING! And I mean they will lie about everything. They will fabricate everything. Even the stories and smear campaign they have going on about you from the very beginning. Nothing in their lives is real. It is all a facade.

They don’t love.

They don’t know how to love. They pretend. They deliberately go out of their way to cut everyone in their lives up. Doesn’t matter who. They will cut up complete strangers just to make themselves feel better. They love nothing more than taking you from where you were when they met you to completely destroying you and everything you worked your entire life for.

It doesn’t matter what job they have. How much money they have. They will lie, cheat and steal from you. They will make false accusations to the police and any authority figure against you. Or any sucker who will listen. They will file fake restraining orders, take you to court, whatever it takes until your demise.

They would even love to see you dead.
That is how morbid they are. And tell you that you deserve to die.
Just so they can get sympathy from others at your own funeral. That’s just how sick and selfish they are! Everything they do is intentional and planned. So they will willfully knowing try everything to destroy you! And they will love every single minute of it.

So yes, they are scum that walk this earth horrible people. I can’t even call them human beings.
_________________________________________

Narcissist misses the boat on being people altogether. People are connected to other people through empathy, shared emotions, and common ground.

Narcissist have themselves. They are dangerous. They have no love in their heart. Lack of love is a definition of evil.

If there could be a way to positively identify them there should be a bounty on them. They in the least should be required to wear a scarlet N and stay away from the women, children and cattle.

I reread this month's after writing it comes off a little harsh. But after helping people who are totally shattered by narcissistic abuse and experiencing it my self I can’t say that I blame me. Going through life stripped of you ability to enjoy it, is a terrible waste.
______________________________________

Actually, they are. I know that answer might sound like a simplification of a concept because I'm missing the nuances. I get it.

Yes, narcissists are bad people. Because if you look at the overall pattern, behavioral patterns, the consistency in their behavior and their personality, their objective is one, and that is to maintain their false self. But at what expense? At the expense of the person they are preying upon, hunting down, using, and abusing. In their fight with themselves, they sacrifice others without a second thought.

They use you like a doormat. They see you as a piece of furniture and replace you at any given moment. Yes, sometimes they are nice, but it's also for themselves. It serves their narrative, it serves their objective. It's not because of you.

Overall, their deeds are evil.

They ARE bad.   :devil:

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The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 06:35:12 PM »
What can you say to a
narcissist to make them
see who they really are?

Buy a big juicy burger, and dump out everything, so you are holding just the bun inside the wrapper.

Now, find a farm, and steal a big cow patty.

Insert this new beef product into the bun, add your narcissists favorite clowndiments, and wrap it back up.

Give it over to his entitled grabby little hands, and see how he likes the taste of betrayal.

Then tell him it’s bad enough that he’s a piece of shite, but cannibalism is over the line.

The point is, the narcissist will never accept what they are without deluding themselves into thinking it makes them special.

Narcissism really stinks.


3
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 05:15:48 PM »
WHERE THE NARCISSIST
CONTINUES TO GO WRONG

Where the narcissist continues to go wrong. The narcissist overplays their hand over and over again, thinking that no one will ever figure out who they are never realizing that people can see behind the mask, and not everyone that sees behind the mask, tells the narcissist that they know they are a narcissist.

The narcissist will find themselves isolated, desolate by themselves without a battery in their cell phone one day and they will look back at all the destruction and devastation all the relationships they have blown up and they will have a big price to pay. My hope is that you are healing you are moving forward.

You are becoming awakened and aware, educated and empowered and you are headed towards the pinnacle the mountain top of indifference where you no longer care about the narcissist or anybody from that period of time. Sending positive positive energy and abundance. Namaste.

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The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 04:18:06 PM »
Why do narcissists feel
good when they know they
have upset you?

Narcissists have a mental disability.

Their emotional development is stunted to early childhood.

They can’t regulate how they feel, or sooth themselves, just like little kids. And they need other people to validate them, entertain them and attend to their responsibilities.

Any strengths or good qualities you have, especially empathy and the ability to give and receive love, will make narcissists extremely jealous. They aren’t capable of admiration or of feeling inspired; those higher-level emotions are beyond their reach.

They can’t love themselves, let alone anyone else.

All of this makes narcissists ashamed of themselves.

But they can’t tolerate shame, since tolerance requires emotional intelligence.

Because they can’t process it, they have to project it.

Everything is all your fault!

They go into meltdown like a tantruming toddler with a shrieking face and a loaded diaper.

And all they can do is scream, kick, and pass their sh!t onto you.

It’s gratifying for narcissists if they can upset you. It temporarily relieves them from the fill of envy they’re containing.

And if you’re upset, that means you’re suffering too now like narcissists always are, and it will be because you’ve absorbed the narcissist’s misery.

Never let a narcissist think they’ve upset you. Use a calm sense of logic to respond to them, just like you would with little children.

This will trigger them into exposing themselves: when they can’t rile you, their mask will slip and then they’ll malfunction and lose their composure; glitching, twisting and spitting out insults and accusations like a broken robot discharging nuts and bolts.

But don’t stoop down to their level. Remain elevated and stick to the high road. Yours is a level narcissists can never attain, so long as you play to your empathy and self-acceptance as the strengths they are.

And if some narcissist does keep on at you, just thank them for outing themselves and saving you the work, then keep it moving.
_____________________________________

Because it confirms their belief that they have total control over you. In my personal experience, it seemed that she needed some sort of validation that I cared about her. ALL THE TIME! She would say and do things just to get a reaction out of me.

When it reached a point where I had nothing left to give, she started reaching out to her other sources for attention. I look back on it now and I know it wasn’t me. I gave her everything I had and it simply wasn’t enough. So, with all that said, know this…they will drain every single person that they possibly can and it never changes. I put up with the on and off again for 3 years and it almost killed me.

Don’t let them control you…it’s not worth it.
______________________________________

Narcissists find a twisted sense of satisfaction in upsetting others, and this is particularly evident during occasions like holidays. Their behavior during these times is not just about causing a stir; it's about deriving a perverse pleasure from knowing they've not only upset you but also ruined an experience you could have enjoyed. This satisfaction is deeply rooted in their psychological makeup.

The emotional development of a narcissist is often likened to that of a young child. They struggle with regulating their emotions and soothing themselves, much like little kids. They rely heavily on others to validate them, entertain them, and even attend to their responsibilities. This dependency mirrors the way a child looks to adults for support and affirmation.

When it comes to strengths or qualities like empathy and the ability to give and receive love, narcissists often feel intense jealousy. These are qualities they can't fully comprehend or experience. They're incapable of true admiration or feeling inspired, as these higher-level emotions are beyond their emotional reach. It's a sad reality that they can't love themselves, let alone anyone else.

This internal conflict leads to a deep-seated sense of shame within narcissists. But handling shame requires a level of emotional intelligence that they simply don't possess. Unable to process these feelings, they project their shortcomings onto others, often declaring, "Everything is all your fault!"

Their reactions can be compared to a toddler in the midst of a tantrum, overwhelmed and incapable of dealing with their emotions in a healthy way. They lash out, attempting to transfer their inner turmoil onto those around them.

When a narcissist manages to upset you, it serves as a temporary relief from the envy and misery they constantly harbor. It's as if your distress allows them to offload some of their emotional burden. In their twisted view, your suffering becomes a shared experience; you're now enduring the kind of pain they feel constantly.

Dealing with a narcissist requires a strategy akin to handling a small, upset child. Maintaining a calm, logical demeanor is key. Just as you would with a child, responding to their outbursts without emotional engagement can be effective.

This approach often leads to a narcissist exposing their true nature. Unable to provoke a reaction from you, their facade starts to crumble, revealing the chaos and insecurity underneath. They might lose their composure, spewing insults and accusations, much like a malfunctioning machine unable to control its output.

However, it's important to remain above their level of pettiness. By embracing your empathetic nature and self-acceptance, you stand on a moral ground that narcissists cannot reach. This isn't just about avoiding their traps; it's about affirming your own strengths and maintaining your dignity in the face of their attempts to drag you down to their level.




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The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 03:25:39 PM »
Would a narcissist ever consider killing you
if you expose them?

The narcissist is already slowly killing you. They are callously using your body in which to store their negative feelings so that they don't have to deal with them. This fills you with shame to dangerous levels; it taxes your body greatly to have to process the extra negativity.

You constantly expose the narcissist by being honest and puncturing their fantasy world. In return they punish you for telling the truth. Even if you don't tell the truth, they'll still punish you because they grt constantly exposed by reality too.

You don't always have to expose a narcissist, as the people around them may not believe you, or care. You do have to get away though, as they are poisonous people. If you are determined to expose them because they're doing something henious, make sure you are safe first. Like a drowning man, they'll cling to anyone and take them down too. You want to be well away from the blast radius. Perhaps you could even do it anonymously, months or years later.

If you haven't fixed your own weaknesses, you'll simply find another one, and repeat the process. Its important to take responsibility for your part in the charade too.

Trying to make narcissists love you is suicide.
___________________________________

Most definitely and I speak from personal experience. In fact, you don't have to expose them for it to happen. All you have to do is annoy them at the wrong moment in time. I read about a narcissist recently who killed his girlfriend for stealing $4.00 from him.

Other prominent narcissists like Scott Peterson murdered his wife and unborn son because he wanted to have an affair. Charles Manson ordered his followers to murder people because he claimed the Beatles song Helter Skelter made him. Ted Bundy killed women simply because he enjoyed it. All of these men are believed to embody NPD.

My first husband who was a malignant narcissist, tried to kill me because I laughed at him. My last boyfriend who was diagnosed with NPD, held a gun to my head because I confronted him with concrete proof that he was having unprotected sex with strange men he met on Grindr.

Many people on Quora have shared their horror stories about surviving brutal attacks by narcissists. Anything, even trying to leave a relationship with one can provoke them.

To those innocents who believe that narcissists are just misunderstood people who like to look at themselves in the mirror, you need a reality check. There are many degrees of narcissism and while most may not commit murder, many of them do.

In fact, given the emotional immaturity, impulsivity, anger issues and total lack of empathy that is prevalent in NPD, I think it is possible for any narcissist to be capable of murder if they feel criticized or threatened.

Most likely, the only reason they don't is because they fear going to prison. Someone commented that narcissists aren't like sociopaths. They may, in fact, be a lot worse.

These are personality disorders and while most disordered people probably won't try to kill you, it needs to be recognized that they might. The majority of people who are murdered by their significant others never see it coming, do they? If they did, chances are they wouldn't be in the relationship.

If you have been threatened by a narcissist with violence, please take it seriously. They can and will kill if they feel justified.

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The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 03:08:02 PM »
How are grandiose
fantasies experienced
by a narcissist?

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder live in a world of roleplay, they just never let you know your true role.

You are lured in with false hope of something very real and beautiful, but this is just the first act, to deceive you. You are not their hero, for they are always the hero — you are the villain.

It is essential that you are the villain, for their foul scenes are cruel and capricious, and no relationship can withstand the nonsensical and repetitive drama and remain healthy. The narcissist is unwilling to take blame for your destruction, as they twist you to and fro to Duke their grandiosity — they are a god to you, as bow and scrape, praying for that initial character to return.

Refuse to play with narcissists, go and play alone instead. This is something the narcissist cannot do, they need an endless string of dupes to torture, because they are biologically, neurologically unable to generate good feelings about themselves. These come instead from their power to hurt others. You can make good feelings by yourself, by doing beautiful things. Narcissists do not understand beauty, only vainglory, self-indulgence, envy.

Their cold, dead hearts will never know the warmth of love, and the curtains will one day close forever on the narcissist’s ugly, wasted life.

Your show will go on.
__________________________________

Narcissistic grandiosity and narcissistic vulnerability to the layperson, narcissism is most often associated with conceited, arrogant, and domineering attitudes and behaviors (Buss & Chiodo 1991), which are captured by the term narcissistic grandiosity.

This accurately identifies some common expressions of maladaptive self-enhancement associated with pathological narcissism. However, our definition of narcissism combines maladaptive self-enhancement (e.g. grandiosity) with self, emotional, and behavioral dysregulation in response to ego threats or self-enhancement failures (e.g., vulnerability).

This narcissistic vulnerability is reflected in experiences of anger, envy, aggression, helplessness, emptiness, low self-esteem, shame, avoidance of interpersonal relationships, and even suicidality (Kohut & Wolf, 1978; Krizan & Johar, 2012; Pincus & Roche, 2011; Ronningngstam 2005b). In recent years, recognition of both grandiose and vulnerable themes of narcissistic pathology has increasingly become the norm (e.g. Kealy & Rasmussen, 2012; Levy, 2012; Miller et al., 2011).

Reviews of clinical literature on narcissism and narcissistic personality pathology over the last 45 years have identified more than 50 distinct labels describing variability in the expressions of pathological narcissism (Cain et al., 2008; Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010).

The Oxford book of psychopathology concluded that two broad themes of narcissistic pathology, labeled narcissistic grandiosity and narcissistic vulnerability, could be synthesized across the literature with varying degrees of emphasis.

Clinical theorists have employed these themes to describe the core aspects of narcissistic dysfunction through defects in self-structure (Kernberg 1998; Kohut 1977), difficulties in the therapeutic relationship (Gabbard 2009, Kernber, 2007), and maladaptive coping and defensive strategies used in response to stressors (Masterson, 1993 (Ellinors favorite)).

Some of the little guys are paranoid too. Especially when they know they can’t hide and dodge accountability and are up against something that can hold them accountable. That scares them a bit. Especially when they know it to be true but still continue to lie to themselves about it. They will dream all sorts of scenarios but cannot stop with campaigns to convince themselves of their grandiosity.


7
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 02:46:55 PM »
What can stop a narcissist from living in a fantasy?

At a young age, the narcissist decided reality was humiliating, unfair, full of shame and failure, and so they retreated into the world of fantasy, never to be seen again.

Fantasy is how they deal or rather, don't deal with the shame that comes from mistakes. They're never wrong, it's always someone else's fault, they're always good, and out there, outside the spot behind their eyes, is the bad.

When you are three years old, you can't read Joseph Campbell.

There is no hero journey in this fantasy, no belly of the beast in which to be challenged, thwarted, tested, no emerging with insight or anything of value. Just constant indulgent rewrites to make the lead character always look good no matter what they do. Being perfect, the narcissist never makes mistakes. If anything bad happens the world is to blame, you are to blame, the weather, their food, the boss, the barking dog, their digestive tract, anything but their decisions created the mess.

Nothing is their fault, but every success however is due to your Fearless Leader.

In their fantasy the good that is done by others, is done by you, is due to them. Thus, it is owed to them and they covet it furiously. It is theirs! Everything they want is theirs! Everything they don't want - that belongs to you!

Narcissists lack something four year olds have - Theory of Mind.

The narcissist has not developed the ability to see you as a separate entity. You an extension of them, part of the primordial swamp that makes up the narcissist.

You don't think, you don't feel, you do not exist - you either function as the narcissist wishes (slavish adoration) or with hate as their cudgel, they will beat you back into line.

The way you should be. The way you are in their mind.

There is no mind but the narcissists mind, there is only their will, their opinions, their thoughts, and a wicked, rebelling universe that must be punished. Everything is wrong.

Disorder? More like absolute f*cking bedlam.

It is only when the wheels inevitably come off the particular fantasy scenario they are running (I am about to become a rockstar, but why when you challenge me to play a song am I unable?) that reality intrudes, shame overwhelms them, and it dawns on them, momentarily who they are.

They're a crummy, manipulative person that only thinks about themselves.

Forcing them to face up to their bad behavior will temporarily chasten them, but before long, the writers of the show regroup and brainstorm up a new format entirely. It's time to explain away the fact that the character playing the lead man, who was to be perfect and the eternal lover has suddenly changed genders, and the show has moved from the local bar to a foreign country - what was once a sedate blue collar comedy in a run down part of town is now a racy lesbian thriller in the desert.

The shameful chapter is hurled into the bin, along with all the useless and disappointing characters that caused it to fail, and the narcissist begins to dream again once more.

If it doesn't work out, and the ratings are a bust, they're entitled to return, and be clumsily rewritten into the show, to take up where they left off.

What the hell just happened?

8
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 02:29:33 PM »
What are the red flags
of a female narcissist?

Oh, venturing into the realm of narcissism, are we? Don't worry; I've got your back. Let's roll up those sleeves and dissect the colorful mosaic that is the female narcissist. And remember, while we're delving into stereotypes for illustrative purposes, it's essential to note that not all narcissists fit neatly into these boxes, regardless of gender.

1. Charm Offensive: When you first meet her, she'll dazzle you with her charisma. It's like she's on a permanent stage, and everyone must adore her. But here's the twist: this charm is typically a gateway to manipulation.

2. Never Wrong: Oh, didn't you get the memo? She’s infallible! Any mistake, any flaw, any hiccup—it's never her fault. It's the world against her, poor thing.

3. Validation Vacuum: Compliments. Praise. Admiration. Feed her ego, or face the wrath of her cold shoulder.

4. Jealousy Justified: If someone else shines, even for a split second, she'll be the first to cast a shadow. Every success story is a threat, unless, of course, it's her own.

5. Drama Queen: If life was a soap opera, she's the perennial lead. Everything is blown out of proportion. Remember, she thrives in chaos and conflict.

6. Empathy? What's that?: Genuine concern for others? Pfft. Not in her dictionary. She's more likely to lack empathy and focus solely on her own feelings and needs.

7. History Revisionist: Facts are mutable in her world. She'll twist, turn, and reshape events to fit her narrative. The reality? Optional.

8. The Disappearing Act: When things don't go her way, expect silent treatments, ghosting episodes, or dramatic exits.

While it's essential to recognize these flags, remember that true understanding comes from observation and pattern recognition, not one-off instances. Be wary but fair. Identifying a narcissist isn’t about finger-pointing but rather understanding and safeguarding one's own well-being. And, just to sprinkle in some final wisdom: always approach relationships, whether platonic or romantic, with a balance of intuition, understanding, and boundaries.

9
The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 02:22:08 PM »
Why does a victim of narcissistic abuse
research the disorder relentlessly over
so many years?

Because being Narcissistically abused is such a mindflock, people cannot tell what actually happened and they want to know what actually happened, why and how.

Even equipped with the facts applying it to the tangled twisted surreal reality just experienced understanding takes time. Having the facts is one thing, understanding, acceptance and believing in it takes a few leaps of faith, a good cry or two before you get it right. Knowing and accepting the truth don’t always happens at the same time.

They are pretty shattered people, the more they know the more they can understand the details and everything about what they went thru. It is easier to heal with knowledge of what the hell just happened. They end up being very broken people, just how they got so broken becomes clearer the more that know.

They are also learning so as not to repeat the same mistake. I guess I should have said we, not they, I was injured through narcissistic abuse. I walk the road to recovery.
____________________________________

I think there are many reasons why survivors may become ‘obsessed’ with reading about narcissism. It starts when you have your ‘light bulb’ moment, when you somehow realise what you have been dealing with and when all the pieces of your relationship (and your narc’s behaviour) suddenly fall into place. It was very sudden for me and my world changed in that instant. In my case, it was a friend who advised me to read up on narcissism while I was in the middle of a week-long silent treatment. I did just that and could not believe what I was seeing – my partner, described right there in black and white! A text book case study. I realised it all actually wasn’t me and I was not crazy after all (jealous, yes, but perhaps because of triangulation).

The fog started to clear and as much as it hurt, it was also a relief to be able to start making sense of things. To have clarity after two years of confusion. I was compelled to read and watch everything I could get my hands on about narcissism to understand him and our relationship (and my part in it). It was an education and four months on, it is still endlessly fascinating to me just how similar the traits and behaviours of narcs are. How so many of us have had the same experiences, even down to hearing the exact same phrases.

Information is power…and you have to take your power back when dealing with a narc. Not only is it important to learn about narcissism so you don’t repeat the same mistakes (in my case, with a romantic partner) and end up with another narcissist, but it is also important to know about narcs if you have to work or associate with one, so you can better learn how to deal with them.

From a recovery point of view, there is no doubt I feel less alone reading about other people’s experiences of narcissism and healing from narcissistic abuse. It is helpful to know that others have been through the same experience. I have never felt as alone as when I was in a relationship with my narc-ex and it is comforting to know there are good people and empaths out there; we are not alone.

Your mind is so screwed over by involvement with a narc, learning about it all can hopefully undo some of that damage and help you to move forward. I was left emotionally devastated after my relationship. Reading about narcissism has helped me stick to no contact and remind me why I left, why I survived six weeks of hoover attempts and why I cannot go back. Knowledge and shared experiences have proved to be such a support to me over the last few months.

As much as I think it may eventually hinder my ongoing healing to continue to read and write about narcissism (because it means I am thinking about him), I am sure I will be doing it for quite some time yet. I feel like I have been changed forever by the two year relationship I have not long come out of; I see the world in a completely different way now that I know narcissists walk among us. I am not sure I trust my judgement anymore, even though I can probably spot a red flag from a mile away and even though my instinct and intuition were practically screaming at me from the very start of my relationship.

Reading about narcissism has taught me a lot about myself too – what made me easy prey, why I put up with his behaviour and allowed myself to be treated so badly. I hope my experience helps me to grow into a better person - for others and myself. I also think that obsessively reading about narcissism is the brain trying to find a way to reach acceptance.

I was addicted to my narc, I knew I was before I even learnt about narcissism. I wrote in my diary ‘I am obsessed with him and that just can’t be right’. The very fact survivors’ brains have potentially been rewired by emotional manipulation can put us in an obsessive state of mind. We go from obsessing about one thing to obsessing about it in another form (I have gone from obsessing about my narc to obsessing about narcissism. I don’t deny it…and I do still obsess about him too).

My friend has told me I need to stop reading about it all, but I don’t think she really understands how important it is or why I feel the need to continue with it – you never stop learning. I have found ruminating to be an incredibly difficult thing to overcome since I split up with my ex and I suppose reading about narcissism helps channel all those thoughts to be a bit more focused in my recovery.

Learning and reading about narcissism not only helps us heal through understanding (about what has and is happening to us), it also protects us in the future and, hopefully, we can help others who may be experiencing narcissist abuse.
____________________________________

The abuse is done in a callous and insidious way that the victims are unable to comprehend the person they love was the very person that broke them. The pain of betrayal can linger for years even after the abuse. It is also to heal ourselves that no matter how well we manage the relationship, the abuse will still not stop. No matter how much we love them, it will not change them. Nothing about it is authentic and it is painful for the part of the victims because the person that should protect us became our abuser.

https://www.quora.com/Why-does-a-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse-research-the-disorder-relentlessly-over-so-many-years

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The Round Table / Re: Tales From The Narc Side
« Last post by tellomon on May 26, 2024, 02:13:49 PM »
Discarded and thrown away like a worthless
piece of garbage by someone who once said
they loved you can be horrible.

How does it feel to be discarded?

:tazdev: :jandoor: :mobbing:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You need to see the narcissist for what he or she is. They are empty shells, often with "larger than life" personalities, but that isn't even their true self.

I once went to Area 51 with the narcissist. I think he was obsessed with aliens because he is one. lol. On a more serious note, I remember something he asked a local in a bar. He asked "so do you guys have any apartments here for rent?" The guy at the bar nearly spit out his drink and just stared. The narcissist looked truly perplexed. It was Area 51, not prime real estate.

This was the same guy who would yell at me and say that I was stupid. Sure, I'm stupid, the person you're jealous of because I have the degrees you wish you had. This was the same guy who acted like Superman in front of me, flexing his so-called muscles and acting like he was King of the World. In front of other people though, he seemed a lot smaller, and less "powerful." It's weird, but everywhere we went, people liked me and would talk to me. Never to him. He literally becaome invisible.

So you need to see them for who they are. They aren't anyone. They do not even have a real personality. Everything they say or do is copied from someone else they know. Even their word salads are plagiarized. They try and invent some "style" from everything they're stored in their memory, like AI. They are AI people. They aren't even real. Robotic.

They will discard you, because you're too good for them. They must move on. Especially after they've been exposed. They will move on to the next supply, because they can't face themselves, and they cannot even make it on their own.

The next one (supply) may last longer. Maybe he or she doesn't talk back or argue. Maybe they stay silent, and cry in their sleep. They swallow back tears and stay with the narcissist, because they "love" them. But holding all that in is going to make them ill one day. They will get some disease from holding in all that stress. There is an actual paper written about how narcissists and psychopaths give their victims carcinogenesis. Being around abnormality for such a long time period will ultimately kill you from stress or disease.

So be glad that they are gone. You don't need them. They were just empty shells or AI automatons playing a part. I've written before that my ex narcissist would play out roles that he saw in sitcoms and films. That is how empty his life was, that he had no identity at all, and had to learn how to act or behave through an actor's character.
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It's honestly indescribable.

Because there are so many layers to it.

The deception is the first:

-If you grew up with a Narcissistic parent- but you had never experienced a romantic relationship with a Narcisisst before- it is night/day different.

-It is one thing when it is a Narcissistic parent who is lieing about when they are coming home- or verbally gaslighting you. You can somehow rarionalize in your brain that one day, you will move away, and never have to put up with this manipulation again.

It is another when you are in a romantic relationship, and you love this Narcissist.

Because you don't KNOW that they ARE a Narcissist to begin with.

They are kind, gentle, charming- and you have taken your time to trust them.

If you're like me, and you grew up in an abusive household- you don't trust people easily.

But Narcissists are very reassuring. They take their sweet time to Love Bomb you for 3 months.

They Future Fake you. Tell you about all the happy things they want to do with you.

And slowly, you begin to trust them.

You don't rush intimacy. You love them, but you are scared of getting your heart broken.

They reassure you that they love you though. And slowly you share more with them.

They've made you so happy you can't believe this is real. You actually can't believe that there are kind, caring people in this world.

And then- out of nowhere- one day you are discarded.

You're stunned. You can't even breathe. You have no idea what you did wrong.

And they don't explain anything. They don't want to talk about it. They've made up their mind, and they are done with you.

And you're heart is shattered. You're Trauma Bonded. You beg them to explain what you did wrong. You love them, and you can't believe this is happening.

And they may take you back. And maybe for 6 more months you'll date. But everyday gets worse. They don't tell you you're pretty any longer.

If you're sick in the hospital, they don't care. They'd rather look at pictures of random women, then be worried about you.

You start physically becoming sick. You look at your face, and you don't even recognize yourself any longer. The color is drained, and your light and happiness has slowly faded away.

You ask them, if they just used you. They tell you, “you provided stimulation.”

And you feel like a knife has been driven through your heart.

You can't believe this person you shared such intimate things about yourself with- that you loved, and would protect them with your life- could throw you away like you are absolutely nothing.

That's what being Discarded feels like. And this is why- many people may even commit suicide after being in a relationship with a Narcissist.
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Regardless of the time invested it’s devastating to think that someone you cared so deeply for planned a future with could so easily walk away with no closure. As if the relationship meant NOTHING to them.

The fact is that the relationship was merely a stepping stone to the next “love of their live—-—or should I say the love of their life until they get bored with them as well”. looking back you knew something was wrong and so you tried harder. The more you tried the more distain they had towards you. Now they’re gone? They ended the relationship a long time ago. You just didn’t know it They just wanted to make sure your replacement was suitable before they cast you aside like an old shoe.

Now what? You feel extreme anxiety and stress. You can’t focus on anything BUT how why when this person decided you weren’t good enough for them. This is when it’s advised to block this person and go no contact. This is to protect yourself from further hurt because what a true narcissist loves to do is mess with your head after the discard.

They will float in and out of your life if allowed. You’ll start feeling better and be moving on and they will send you a random text/email/VM with a simple “hi”. That one word WILL derail you and you basically start the healing in process over. Don’t snoop or follow or ask about this person. Move on and don’t look back. It’s hard. You will be sad you will be lonely BUT time will heal those wounds.

They very rarely change and any time or energy trying to reconcile or figure it out will be wasted. Not all relationships end happily ever after but with a normal person they will at least have a conversation saying the relationship isn’t working for them. It hurts but at least you have closure and it ended respectfully.

A toxic person will not give you that consideration they walk away with no closure leaving you very confused and devastated. When you feel tempted to reach out to this person please don’t—-come to this sight read what people say about healing from a toxic relationship. You will see you’re not alone and you WILL be ok and be able to move on with your life.
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It really does feel like your person has died. They were there one day, next day, gone. Their body might still be in your home, but the person you thought you knew; the person you have been laying in the same bed with; the person you made a home with; the person you got the dog with; the person you ate with; the person you told your most intimate secrets to; the person you had children with; the person you planned vacations with; the person you presented to your family; the person who told you they loved you like no other; the person you trusted; the person you planned your future around; THAT PERSON IS GONE!

Even if they are still next to you in your bed, THAT PERSON NO LONGER EXISTS. And, they won’t be returning, either. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THAT PERSON AGAIN.

You live with a demon now.

You have to come to terms with the death of the future you planned. Your life will not be what was promised. That person had no intention on bringing those dreams to fruition. You have to grieve the loss of your security, your home, your spirit, your dreams. You have to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how long the history with this person, THEY NEVER LOVED YOU.

You have to be strong enough to absorb the truths that come crashing down on you after you wake from the fog of the relationship. You have to heal from the trauma of realizing that EVERYTHING this person presented to you was a lie.

You have to be stable enough to take the insult of each new secret that comes to light around EVERY CORNER, once that person’s true colors come out. They just keep coming, secret after insult, after affair, after lie, after deceit, after misconduct, after dysfunction, after abuse, they JUST KEEP COMING. And you can’t stop them.

They are literally in the drawers of your home, the cupboards, the papers, the history of your relationship. They are EVERYWHERE you go. They knock on your door. They show up on your social media pages. They’re in your phone bills and your bank accounts. The LIES ARE EVERYWHERE.

There is no more faking it. This animal WILL be terrible to you now RIGHT TO YOUR FACE. There is no more sneaking around. You can see it with your own eyes now. They can’t hide the truth anymore, and their house of cards has fallen ON YOUR head.

And in response to it, they piss on you and walk away in disgust. They don’t care. They’re off to find someone else to do this to again. They can’t fix what they’ve done because THEY WERE NEVER ACTUALLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP to begin with, you were. YOU were in a relationship ALL ALONE the ENTIRE time.

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