Author Topic: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++  (Read 574666 times)

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1750 on: May 01, 2012, 01:59:59 AM »
Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1751 on: May 08, 2012, 03:59:46 AM »
A Scottih Soldier

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
>

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much tae repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. ”We'll hae a new one.”

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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1752 on: May 13, 2012, 03:56:42 AM »
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile,
Inspector,'
says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector

'Thought he was having his picture taken.'
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1753 on: May 19, 2012, 07:16:57 PM »
 .

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1754 on: May 31, 2012, 05:16:20 PM »
The Queenslander.

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear.
Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs.
"That's about average in Queensland . Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard.

One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you ?

"Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you".

"So, how much does he weigh now ?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened ? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born ! "

The Queensland father takes a long slow swig from his XXXX Gold,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says…












" Had him circumcised...."
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1755 on: June 07, 2012, 05:58:04 PM »
Subject: The power of beer

The power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest ale for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*
(Wait for it)

*

(It's coming)

*

(Ya ready?)

*

(Don't hate me)


*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

(Take a deep breath)

*

'He should've quit while he was a head !..

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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1756 on: June 20, 2012, 04:26:55 PM »

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
 


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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1757 on: June 21, 2012, 03:00:21 PM »
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

 


19 go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
One replies, "The film said 18 or over."
 
 
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1758 on: June 22, 2012, 05:07:37 PM »
I just came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'  I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Prisoners" and "Drug Addicts" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'  I said 'don't worry dear you're bound to lose it eventually. '

I walked past a young kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change Mister?' I said 'Nope, you still look the same.'

Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.  I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks “What is wrong?”
The boy says “Me dog is dead.”  “Oh you poor soul” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.”

 

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most of the Doctors are now not English, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.  The question was

“Where do women have the curliest hair?”

The answer I should have given was Fiji ...
 
 
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1759 on: July 18, 2012, 06:00:00 PM »
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
A t the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1760 on: July 19, 2012, 04:58:15 PM »
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
 
 
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1761 on: July 29, 2012, 06:42:29 PM »
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1762 on: August 06, 2012, 04:39:30 PM »
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....

 

The driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find he shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 

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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1763 on: August 14, 2012, 04:26:13 PM »
"A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied."
 
 
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1764 on: August 20, 2012, 03:44:57 PM »
Last week I checked into my hotel in Benidorm and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogenous, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call..

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1765 on: August 25, 2012, 06:23:59 PM »
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out.
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.”
David thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that.” so he asks.
...“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. David just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
Cameron replies, “Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1766 on: August 31, 2012, 04:29:47 PM »
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should
meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof
Zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses
and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
it is wheel-chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
they have never been there before.

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1767 on: September 02, 2012, 04:31:21 PM »
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1768 on: September 07, 2012, 04:24:41 AM »
Why I'm Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
...
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday..'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids..... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1769 on: September 08, 2012, 12:05:58 AM »
I'm sure everyone has seen this before but it's still amusing... from the customer's viewpoint.

 

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

 

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client


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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1770 on: September 14, 2012, 12:50:21 AM »
about a minute ago
.Please read this..
They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town..., people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I
attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too.
Maybe we were too much alike.

I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice."
____________ _________ _________ _________

To Whomever Gets My Dog:

Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't
matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful. Don't do it by any roads.

Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."

He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with .. and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.

Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he
loved me.

If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you,

Paul Mallory
____________ _________ _________ _______

I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver
Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

"C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my
face into his scruff and hugged him.

"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

"So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

"Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"


Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth...
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1771 on: September 22, 2012, 04:14:21 PM »
1771 snipe..                       A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"


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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1772 on: September 29, 2012, 02:58:18 PM »
The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1773 on: October 06, 2012, 06:13:57 PM »
No NURSING HOME FOR me!!!

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for nursing home care costing £100 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at Holiday Inn hotels.
A combined long term stay discount and senior discount is £40 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £60 a day for lunch and dinner anywhere we choose, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a gym, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

£3 of tips a day will get the staff making extra efforts to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a bus stop nearby and seniors ride free.

To meet other nice people, try the church on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take an airport bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.


They have a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.



And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you so happy, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.


The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1774 on: October 10, 2012, 06:52:40 PM »
WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES



Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Cheney "See I told you, no one cares if we kill the muslims".

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1775 on: October 13, 2012, 12:22:06 AM »
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in… what can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
...I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time..
How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company! :-)
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1776 on: October 14, 2012, 07:20:47 PM »
A pretty blonde was ticketed in economy class for a flight from London to Sydney. A few minutes into the flight, she got out of her seat, found an empty seat in first class, and sat down.

The flight attendant came and said "Miss, I'm sorry, but you are ticketed for economy class, and I'm afraid you'll have have return to your designated seat".

The blonde retorts "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm flying first class to Sydney". "No", the flight attendant replied, "you cannot sit in first class, I'm sorry".

After some arguing, the flight attendant entered the cockpit and said, "Captain, I have blonde woman from economy class who insists on sitting in first.. I can't seem to convince her to go back to her seat, can you help?".

Captain says, "Oh, no problem... my wife is blonde .. I speak blonde.. just a moment".

The captain gets up and whispers in the blonde's ear. "Oh", she says, "I'm very sorry, I didn't know", and returns to her seat in economy class.

Captain returns to the cockpit, followed by the flight attendant. "Wow! What did you say to her?", the flight attendant asks.

"Oh, simple... I just told her first class isn't going to Sydney".
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1777 on: October 18, 2012, 07:06:08 PM »
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1778 on: October 21, 2012, 09:35:00 PM »

Always knew global warming was bollox.

Last week The Mail on Sunday provoked an international storm by publishing a new official world temperature graph showing there has been no global warming since 1997.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2220722/The-REALLY-inconvenient-truths-global-warming-Last-week-explosively-revealed-16-year-pause-rising-temperatures--triggering-bitter-debate-You-decide-real-facts-.html#ixzz29tVZrjSk
The REALLY inconvenient truths about global warming. Last week we explosively revealed a 16-year 'pa
www.dailymail.co.uk
The Mail on Sunday answers whether the world is warming or not, when will warming start again, and how long the world has to plan an energy strategy..
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1779 on: October 21, 2012, 10:16:36 PM »
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money


LOL it's not right laughing but I can't help myself !  lol

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1780 on: October 22, 2012, 12:38:19 PM »
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money


LOL it's not right laughing but I can't help myself !  lol

misogynist .... <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<lol
May the Sprouts be wuth u Oscar .....

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1781 on: October 28, 2012, 06:41:24 PM »
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1782 on: November 02, 2012, 09:17:57 PM »

Even Big Ben has grown a moustache! Famous clock gets a glowing blue pair of whiskers to mark Movember
.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2225992/Even-Big-Ben-grown-moustache.html#ixzz2AxiVt9i8
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook
Even Big Ben has grown a moustache!
www.dailymail.co.uk
In addition to the thousands who will attempt to grow moustaches this month for Movember organisers hope putting a pair of whiskers on Big Ben will help to raise awareness of the annual fundraiser..
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tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1783 on: November 10, 2012, 06:48:04 PM »
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1784 on: November 13, 2012, 07:45:59 PM »
Goodbye everyone..
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1785 on: November 14, 2012, 07:07:40 PM »
hey Tommie
some of us are still around!

tommy.irene

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1786 on: November 21, 2012, 07:34:46 PM »
The Traffic Warden's funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too late my friend, the paperwork's already done"
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1787 on: November 22, 2012, 03:59:49 PM »
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of... them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1788 on: November 22, 2012, 04:00:42 PM »
Chortle chortle chortle

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1789 on: November 22, 2012, 10:30:34 PM »
The Traffic Warden's funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too late my friend, the paperwork's already done"

Tommy, that is simply .... hilarious.

That'll teach the pesky "I've already started filling out this ticket" parking inspectors!
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1790 on: November 26, 2012, 04:42:07 PM »
Banta's son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.
Banta: Give him a glass of water.

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1791 on: December 01, 2012, 06:28:24 PM »
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
Husband: well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1792 on: December 07, 2012, 06:43:59 AM »
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80?s arrived at the hospital to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. The nurse took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’ He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1793 on: December 08, 2012, 09:31:39 PM »
..
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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1794 on: December 09, 2012, 08:51:20 PM »
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!


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Al**Bear

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1795 on: December 12, 2012, 04:20:20 PM »
From Twitter

Solihull Police ?@SolihullPolice


Quote
Anyone lost a huge amount of cannabis in the Chelmsley Wood area? Don’t panic, we found it. Please come to the police station to collect it.

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1796 on: December 12, 2012, 04:22:21 PM »
Gooday Al bear
Are you keeping those pair of clowns Flog-pox and EMB under control ?


*CountessA*

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1797 on: December 13, 2012, 12:13:52 AM »
Al Bear, it's good to see you again!

(I wonder if anyone would actually respond to the Solihull tweet... and go into the police station claiming lost property...)

From Twitter

Solihull Police ?@SolihullPolice


Quote
Anyone lost a huge amount of cannabis in the Chelmsley Wood area? Don’t panic, we found it. Please come to the police station to collect it.
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1798 on: December 13, 2012, 12:22:26 AM »
Its posdible as you have to be a compete and utter lunatic to go on twitter in the first pace

*Brum6y*

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Re: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++
« Reply #1799 on: December 13, 2012, 01:02:27 AM »
.... from there it's only a short stroll to the 'lost property' counter.

The scary thing is, with the cognitive skills associated with the substance, I imagine the likelihood of someone actually wanting to go is high.

It would not surprise me if someone actually showed.........