The difference between
Covert and Overt Narcissists
There are many different flavors of narcissists.
But, you know, if it walks like a duck.. quacks like one..
A narcissist is a narcissist.
They are all takers.
They are fakers.
They are all selfish.
They are all controlling.
They are all users.
They are all destroyers.
They are all abusers.
You see, however they present, they all have the same disorder with the same outcome.
The best way to think of any narcissist is to think of them all as vanilla no matter what different flavors they come in, toppings added, size selected, cone variety.. they all offer the same.
A moment on the lips.. a life time in therapy?
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They both do the same exact things behind closed doors.
There are the usual components of narcissism which accompany the grandiose delusions all narcissists have about themselves: believing they can do no wrong, blaming other people (especially you) for their own faults and failures, and using you like a dumpster to hurl their toxic emotions into. There is the stunning lack of empathy and the inability to care about your feelings. There are the countless misdeeds they commit against you in order to see you suffer because that makes them feel better about themselves.
It’s in public where the differences are noticeable.
Covert narcissist mask as upstanding citizens and “nice” people. They like to blend in with the crowd, as long as it’s the “right” crowd.
Overt narcissists just seem like garden variety show-offs at first. The reality is they’re much worse, because show-offs are harmless as long as you pay attention to them. You can even do it with a head shake and an eye roll and leave it at that, no harm done.
But any narcissists are anything but harmless.
So don’t believe it when someone paints narcissists’ picture as simply being vain, self-absorbed and mischievous, and that you only end up hurt because they’re not thinking about you and they’re a bit of a clod and and it’s really your fault anyway because you’re just overly sensitive.
That’s the lie they want you to believe.
In reality, ANY narcissist is going to do serious damage to you and your life if they get close enough to.
And they do it with full intention.
It’s called negative supply, and all narcissists are addicted to it like a drug.
The flattery and attention they pour on in the beginning is goal-oriented behavior to ply you and get you where they want you: beneath them.
Think of it as grooming, because that’s exactly what it is.
They get you relying on their validation in order to pull it away and see you disappointed, stunned and/or in pain. This makes them feel powerful and they justify their actions by telling themselves you deserve it. At their core narcissists are insecure, jealous and petty. They fantasize that they are righting a wrong and leveling the playing field, giving you your just desserts.
Narcissists’ lack of empathy is what enables them to hurt you with their devaluations and betrayals despite awareness of your suffering, and to advance themselves at any cost to anyone, but it’s far from the superpower some of them flaunt it as being.
Rather, it’s based on their disability.
Narcissists are developmentally retarded as far as their emotional intelligence goes, even though cognitively they’re like anybody else.
So they see empathy at work and resent it because they don’t have it. Recognizing it doesn’t mean they understand it, though; narcissists think empathy is an idea, that it’s performative, somewhat like using your best manners when at a formal dinner. But they see the powerful effect empathy has on others, and their envy over something they can’t access causes narcissists to feel malicious towards people who are genuinely loving and caring.
Their lacking, which they can’t abide, stares them dead in the face when it gets reflected back to them by your light.
Overt narcissists will try to extinguish your light due to their zero-sum belief that what one person has takes away from another. And so they imagine their grandiosity makes them better than you, by design.
Covert narcissists however, know they aren’t sh!t. And your good qualities conversely make them feel ashamed of themselves. So while they resort to a “nothing to see here, I’m just over here doing what I’m supposed to do” persona in public, in private is where they gradually get bold enough to emotionally abuse you.
They feel you out and test the waters by incrementally taking control of you.
They chip away at your autonomy by telling you not to wear certain things, not to talk to certain people, not to go to certain places especially without them. They isolate you from your support system by telling you your friends don’t have your best interests at heart or are using you. They might say this about your family too.
Covert narcissists gaslight you into not trusting your own judgement. That way, you’re completely dependent on them, which means you’re finally inferior to them.
And they don’t have to be so threatened by you and jealous anymore.
An incapacitating level of low self-esteem and a resulting secret self-loathing is at the center of all forms of NPD.
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The real difference here is really just in expression.
This is more about behavior than anything else. Both of these people have the same goals and mindsets and desires and drives. They just go about achieving them differently.
There is no real difference between someone who says “I will kill you if you leave me” and someone who says “I will kill myself if you leave me.” Both people are saying the same thing: I don't recognize rights, needs, feelings or anything else regarding other people and somebody's going to die if you don't do what I want.
As far as what behaviors they exhibit, it often comes down to basic personality and opportunity. Some people are more overt or covert just because it's what works best for them based on their personality. Some narcissists have found that appearing vulnerable and helpless comes more naturally and is therefore more successful, whereas others are naturally more grandiose and aggressive.
If you think of it kind of like extrovert vs introvert, where some people are more one than the other but most people are both to some degree, that's a good way to think of how it works.
And again, it can have to do with means and opportunity as well. For example, someone who is more overt at home may be more covert at work because they know that they won't get by with overtly aggressive and hostile behavior at their job. Etc.
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A covert I think is the worst. They are total con man or women; they can appear shy and very sweet. My husband was a covert, led a triple life and was a sweet teddy bear con artist.
I watched a You tube show on Ted Bundy and thought I was viewing my ex. Under that sweet teddy bear is a savage grisly bear who wants total power and control. A head screw that gaslights, steals, cheats and will destroy your life.
The covert is the most liked narc because they are so charming, buy everyone gifts and make you feel totally loved. The overt is a big mouth that has that "Look at me I'm special" attitude.
The overt is the one people avoid and for good reasons. They brag and interrupt everyone in a conversation with them and try to control the narrative. Like all narcs, they seek to control you and want you to admire and praise them non stop.
A covert and overt can at times over lap but they tend to stay in their own lane most of the time.
Both narcs are very evil, sick and twisted people.
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A covert narcissist is very good at appearing to be a loving person to you, and more importantly, to the world.
A covert narcissist will never be caught saying something bad about anyone. They love everyone. They want nothing but the best for everyone.
A covert narcissist is all about appearances. They won’t be verbally abusive to you . In fact, they will say that they love you.
They are just concerned about you. Maybe it was the election that affected you so badly. Maybe you are in a delicate mental state. They are concerned that your new sister-in-law wants to feel welcomed into the family, but she thinks you don’t like her. Why? No idea!
The covert narcissist wouldn’t cause her to think that! The covert narcissist certainly wouldn’t insinuate your delicate mental state or your sister-in-law’s lack of confidence. They only want the best for both of you!
An overt narcissist will tell you they wish you had never been born.
A covert narcissist will manipulate several people over several years to communicate the same idea without ever having to say it out loud.
I am obviously biased on the subject. I think covert narcissists are more evil.
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A superficial, shallow as*hole that can portray empathy if it benefits them. But they can also portray a grandiose sense of delusion that doesn’t exist.
Once you are aware of their antics, which many aren’t, it all becomes clear. Pay careful attention.
Everything they do and every thing they say is to illicit a response out of you. And the response has to benefit them. They are excellent at making it appear they care, but in reality it’s manipulation.
They love the way you make them feel about themselves. They love how you put them on a pedestal and forget about your needs and others.
They dont love you.
They aren’t sorry.
You aren’t their one.
Everything they tell you they tell the next clueless fk too.
They aren’t going to go to therapy.
They really do think you’re the problem. They eventually gaslight themselves into believing their lies and abuse was justified.
They are still talking to other people.
They are still leading several on for possible sex.
When they sense you pulling away, they are lining someone else up.
They don’t give a sh!t about you.
Their elation and deflation of their self image is what hooks you.
They are the most dangerous of all narcissists.
Keep trying to break free. You deserve so much better than this a*shole. With every slip up there is a lesson.
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Overt: done or shown openly; plainly or readily apparent, not secret or hidden.
Covert: not openly acknowledged or displayed.
With an overt narcissist what you see is pretty much what you get. Their abusiveness is much more obvious as they are openly what they are.
When you are the victim of a covert narcissist the only one who see's their abuse is you, their victim.
You are not only abused in secret but they treat you like you are a queen in front of people who are watching especially the people who are your friends and family. Then when you get home or their backs are turned they treat you with contempt. They pull out their crazy making tools and go to work on you. You find yourself trying to explain their abuse to these friends and family and they don't believe you.
Sometimes they will try to talk to the narc on your behalf and the narc will praise you proclaim their love for you and express how they feel so helpless with your irrational accusations against them but love you so much they are willing to stand by you.
Your friends and family can't help but admire the narc and think you are the one who is attacking the narcissist. You find yourself trapped, frustrated and doubting what you are experiencing.
A covert narcissist is truly capable of driving you insane if you are not careful and eventually you can just become like an empty robot or puppet they control until they get bored with you and then you are discarded.
That is when you struggle to get back who you were yet find yourself so lost that you may want to actually have the narc back in your life because it's the only life you know now...you are trauma bonded to them.
You start to wonder if you were actually abused or not. There is no one to validate you and the narc has you doubting reality and everyone you know is doubting you as well.
In addition to my answer I want to include what you can do to help yourself after being abused by a covert narcissist:
It is very important if you are with the narc that you document everything that happens.
Record conversations and all interactions you possibly can. Makes notes at every opportunity. Not just of the abuse but also the 'pretend/impression managing' good behavior and all the circumstances that surround it.
DO NOT SHARE this with the narc ...ever... nor anyone else... yet. Not until you regain your strength your conviction and can now see clearly.
If you are not with the narc and/or have not been documenting....go back and recall everything you can remember. Go back to the beginning and write down everything you can remember that happened. You may start remembering in bits and pieces but eventually you will start to remember whole events.
In time you will start remembering little details in those events...things will become clearer and you will see the truth of what was happening all along as they tried to brainwash you. You will suddenly realize things that slipped by you.
This is when you share with someone you can trust like an understanding therapist who knows about abuse trauma as they will point things out in your memories as to how the narc skewed your understanding.
As you go through this process you will grow strong and will regain your former self before the narc, only with more knowledge than you ever had before to become a healthier than even better version of you.
Also at this point with some of your friends and family you may be able to help them to see what you went through. It is a slow and a bit painful process that you must be patient with yourself throughout. You must nurture and love yourself throughout your healing.
Stay strong, you can do it.
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They think in the same way- there will be the same arrogance, oversensitivity to criticism, feeling of being special, and desire to use others for their own agenda.
The selfishness is the same, the self-centredness, the lack of self-awareness, the over-estimation of their own talents, their refusal to accept advice, the inability to love or care for anyone apart from themselves -- all the negative characteristics we know about narcissists are there.
But their methods of achieving control over others are very different.
The overt is life and soul of the party, memorable, very charming, very confident, very direct, very focused. They exercise their control by force of personality, intimidation, swagger, dominance, shouting, aggression, often threats of violence, by dominating their family and their circle. They are usually pretty easy to spot- they are the loudest in the group, hogging the conversation, leading the charge, and deciding (for everyone) what happens next.
The covert is sneaky, and will often claim to be an empath or even a scapegoat . They paint themselves as a victim; they have a harder time than others, they were picked on or bullied, they didn't have the same advantages as others, other people were given preferential treatment- and they use those excuses to explain away their failings or explain why others seem more successful.
They still try to dominate, but often by being snide or sarcastic, undermining others, turning any conversation back to them, and complaining. They can come across as sweet and nice on first meeting, but that humble act hides a lot of nastiness and bitterness-- which will be turned to full effect if you cross them. When confronted with an obvious lie or excuse they will react with venom, intended to wound as much as possible. Overts overreact too, but more often with fury rather than viciousness.
Both types will try to control you, and their circle, and their family- they just use different methods. Neither is good news- as you will find out should you try to have any kind of relationship with one.
You will expect caring and reciprocation and niceness and support- but you will realise eventually that this is all one way, always in favour of the narcissist. You will do lots and lots for them- you will get nothing back, not even a kind word.
Please, if you have a narcissist anywhere in your world (and I imagine you do if you are reading this) you should be learning about narcissism, to protect yourself against both types.
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THE DIFFERENCE
Between covert, overt and schmovert is that they will all fk up your life.
All of them exhibit the same fksh!t.
Such as lying, blaming you for it and lying again.
All of them are insufferable.
And all of them expect you to compassionately and enthousiastically suffer for them.
All jokes aside,
The biggest difference lies in their genitals.
The ones who get to use them on you,
Are the ones who will fk your life to shreds, with the fury of hellfire.
Those are called “fking narcissists.”
Fking narcissists rotate from covert to overt to schmovert.
Goodnight.
Goodbye.
Take your ass tf to sleep.**********************************************************
