Author Topic: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)  (Read 10105 times)

*Brum6y*

  • Knights of the RT
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 20213
Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« on: May 05, 2010, 10:41:46 PM »
"Once upon a time...

Standing out in the street, gazing up at the enormous structure before him, a little Johnny Doe dreamt of running such a big amazonian shopping complex. But, alas, he couldn't even get a foot in the door.

Across the street he noticed a green field with a simply set out carpark - and in that carpark were lots and lots of busy people selling all sorts of things from their car boots. Buyers found lots of interesting things and sellers were making lots of sales. They were all having a wonderful time and everybody was happy.

Little Johnny Doe then got an idea ... and he found himself a job taking care of the trash around the carpark. He soon found himself a comfortable position alongside the dumpster, which was kept in Bay 'E' of the carpark.

After a time, the carpark attendant moved onto another job and little Johnny Doe was presented with his chance to run the place, so he made a big effort to impress the decision makers. He got the job, making this promise: “To bring all my trash knowledge, my trash ethics and my trash expertise to the job” - and he set off to do just that.

He looked across the street at the big amazonian complex and then looked back at all the cars with their boot lids open and sighed. As busy as it was, it just didn't look as pretty as his dream. So he started changing things - lots of things - and in the most bizarre ways.

Little Johnny Doe liked the buyers with their money, but he didn't like the sellers with all the different sizes and colors of their car boots - so, amongst other things, the buyers were given some bonuses that he arranged for the sellers to provide. The buyers liked that - and so did little Johnny Doe.

He then started squeezing the sellers out of the way so he could set up some stalls. You could get a lot more products in a stall than you could in a boot - and they could be lined up straight and neat. With a couple of rows of stalls, he was able to hide the car boots from view. Unless a buyer knew where to look, they would have a hard time finding anything that wasn't in a stall.

Soon, the people with their car boots full of interesting things, began leaving and little Johnny Doe thought that was wonderful. He put up more stalls and did deals with the 'new wave' of sellers just to get more and more products on show. But the buyers with the money didn't like having to search through so much more of the same boring things. Some went looking to find their old car boot buddies, some just gave up and the ones that stayed just didn't want to spend as much any more.

And so it continued. With more bizarre changes being made, little Johnny Doe built more and more stalls, the car boots gradually disappeared and most of the people with money to spend went to other places to find those interesting things they really wanted.

In the end, as little Johnny Doe approached completion of his bamboo version of the amazonian complex across the street, he thought it was just beautiful... but there was a problem.  He had no more rabbits to pull out of his hat and was running out of the excuses he had used all through his changes to explain away the lack of results.

Crunch time was just around the corner and he began to realise that the biggest crunch was headed his way. So, to avoid having to face up to the gravity of his actions, he made a grand speech, donned his 'golden parachute', stepped to the edge of his bamboo empire and jumped clear.

Ending #1
... and he lived happily ever after.”

Ending #2
... however, unbeknown to him, a disgruntled critic had switched his 'golden parachute' for a 'golden knapsack' and his departure, though poetic, was somewhat terminal. His favourite physician, Doctor Spin, tried everything he knew to heal the wounds, but the best he could summon was that little Johnny Doe had fallen on his sword – backwards."

Ending #3
… “Not so fast!” came a stern voice – and the long arm of the law reached out and plucked little Johnny Doe from mid-air. “You have a few things to answer for!”  And so it came to pass. After many years of legal wrangling, the judge had come to his decision, but before handing it down and passing sentence, he asked little Johnny Doe if he thought all the things he did were for the good.  Little Johnny Doe stood proudly (he was very good at doing that) and replied “Absolutely!”.  The judge smiled, nodded gently and declared a verdict of guilty – but the sentence he then gave little Johnny Doe made everyone smile. “You are hereby ordered to live off the sales of your memoirs, made available solely through your personal efforts out of your own car boot located next to the dumpster in Bay ‘E’ of the carpark”. 

It is rumoured that he is there – but nobody can find him."



*CountessA*

  • Administrator
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 35160
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2010, 11:54:59 PM »
Johnny Doe, hmm? At least one of the endings gives him his comeuppance.
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

*CountessA*

  • Administrator
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 35160
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2010, 11:55:34 PM »
Once upon a time, there was a woman who longed to bear a child. At length she and her husband were delighted to learn she was pregnant. During her pregnancy, the woman gazed over the wall into the luscious fields beyond, and was consumed with longing for the leaves that grew there.

She begged her husband: “Fetch me some of those leaves, for I crave them.”

He agreed, but was caught taking the leaves by the Old Woman who owned those lands. “Forgive me,” he begged, “for my wife, who is heavy with our first child, has conceived a desperate longing for these leaves.”

The Old Woman said in a voice like dead leaves, “Well then, take them. But you must deliver up your first-born child to me in payment.”

The husband agreed, and hurried off to bring the leaves to his wife.

The child was born, and she was a beautiful baby girl with hair of gold. Honest Sheila was her name. But scarcely had she been suckled when the old woman swooped down and took her into her own keeping.

Honest Sheila was installed in a high Tower, in the middle of a deserted landscape. There she was surrounded with promises and small luxuries, and grew up to be a beautiful girl.

Whenever the old woman wished to visit the girl, she would email her in this wise: “Dear honest_sheila, As a valued customer, you must fully comply with the User Agreement that I signed on your behalf when you were first installed in the Tower. As per section C, paragraph 4, please let down your golden hair. Regards, Old Woman.”

Honest Sheila would obediently untie her long golden tresses and let them down the side of the Tower, so that the old woman could climb up. This hurt a great deal, but when Honest Sheila had complained, the old woman had said, “Please call Live Help for assistance if you have any queries.” Live Help had seemed to think she was calling for a perm, so Honest Sheila gave up and simply put up with the pain.

So Honest Sheila dwelt in the Tower, not realising how lonely she was, or how noise-jangling it was when construction turned the hitherto deserted landscape into an industrial jungle.

One day a handsome prince became lost riding his horse (named Shirley) among the tall buildings, and he came to a confused stop in front of the Tower. As he gazed up, he beheld the beautiful girl singing a sad song to herself.

“Excuse me,” he called up. “Could you help me? I am lost.”

Honest Sheila looked down. “ “I don’t know that I can help at all,” she said. “You’re supposed to contact Live Help, and I can’t say they’ve ever been able to assist me.”

“Is there no other way of asking for help?” persisted the prince, peering up at her. “I would ask some of these industrial merchants, but they all seem to speak fractured English with very bad spelling, offering me dim sums for very high prices.”

“Yes,” agreed Honest Sheila glumly. “They delight in shady calculations. Oh! I think you’d better hide. The Old Woman is coming – and she won’t be pleased if she sees me talking to you.”

Thus the prince hid behind a thorny bush, and watched as the Old Woman emailed the girl to let down her long hair. Once the Old Woman had finished her visit and climbed back down again, the prince came forth and – on his iPhone, using the app iPrincemail – he emailed the girl with his request.

Honest Sheila let down her luxurious golden tresses, and the prince grabbed hold and climbed upwards until he had reached the window of the Tower. There he hauled himself in and stood gazing at Honest Sheila in wonderment.

“How beautiful you are!” he exclaimed.

Well, to cut a long story short, after the prince gave Honest Sheila some amazing positive feedback, she plummeted in love with him too and promised to marry him so that together they could go off and forget about section C, paragraph 4 forever. This might even mean she could get rid of the permanent headache which the constant climbing efforts of the Old Woman had caused.

Alas – disaster struck. The Old Woman, paying a surprise visit, crept back and used a grappling hook to climb up and gain entry. Spotting the prince, she screeched, “Unsatisfactory dashboard! You’re on report, my girl – and as for you, you interloper, how dare you try to negotiate a marriage outside my Tower?” So saying, she grabbed hold of the prince and threw him out of the window. Down, down he fell, landing with a crash upon the rubbish-strewn ground below, narrowly missing his horse called Shirley.

“And as for you, missy”, she snorted, “you’ve lost your PowerTower rating, and I’m withholding all your food, drink and shampoo.”

“Not the shampoo!” cried out Honest Sheila, aghast at this cruelty. But the Old Woman would not relent, and cast her from the Tower, changing the passwords on the door and blocking her from all access.

Numb with sorrow, Honest Sheila wandered through the industrial wilderness for two years until she met a blind man all bearded and tangled with hair.

As soon as she saw him, Honest Sheila knew him to be the prince, and cried bitterly over his face. As her tears fell onto his eyes, the prince’s blindness was cured, and he placed a bid on a pair of scissors, an electric shaver, and a fine gold ring.

“Oh, glory to the snipe!” cried Honest Sheila when he won these items with free postage. She gave her prince a fine haircut and a shave, and they were married that same hour and lived happily ever after.

Ending Addendum: (Well, until Honest Sheila found her ring finger turning green – but by then it was too late for Significantly Not As Described. Ah… it’s all right. The Royal Treasury had lots of real bling.)

"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

*Ubbie Max*

  • Knights of the RT
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 10139
  • Never take a knife to a gunfight
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2010, 11:55:47 PM »
What about an ending with Johnny Doe being keelhauled?

*Ubbie Max*

  • Knights of the RT
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 10139
  • Never take a knife to a gunfight
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2010, 11:59:53 PM »
Countess. How about an ending with the old woman being keelhauled?

*CountessA*

  • Administrator
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 35160
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2010, 12:03:02 AM »
Special ending just for Ubbie:

As for the Old Woman, she was out for a stroll one day, collecting money from all the other imprisoned girls she had, when all of a sudden she felt a heavy hand upon her shoulder.

"Get him!" urged a rough voice.

(The thing is that the Old Woman was bald and had a moustache. It's not surprising that she was mistaken for a man.)

The Old Woman was press-ganged and forced to serve aboard a ship as a cabin boy. When she refused to shave off her moustache, she was sentenced to immediate keelhauling.

And that's what happens to Old Women who are very naughty.
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is ...a part of the maine; ...any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde"

*Ubbie Max*

  • Knights of the RT
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 10139
  • Never take a knife to a gunfight
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2010, 12:04:45 AM »
Brilliant Countess. I shall hit the sack now a happy bloke knowing that justice has been served.

*Yibida*

  • Action Group
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 17998
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2010, 12:08:54 AM »


So whens the DVD coming out ?.... if I read all these my mouse wheels gunna need replacing.. LOLOL

*smee*

  • Action Group
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 46864
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2010, 12:09:53 AM »

Smee Enterprises has the X rated version Yibs

Centuries

  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 5907
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2010, 02:36:02 PM »

Smee Enterprises has the X rated version Yibs

Blast! That means I will not be able to watch it. Too young and innocent :angel:
“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, because I'm not myself, you see”  Lewis Carroll

*Yibida*

  • Action Group
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 17998
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2010, 02:44:47 PM »

*Brum6y*

  • Knights of the RT
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 20213
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2010, 05:34:12 PM »
I remember those well.


They're the sort of thing I might expect some cable channel to run these days.... I don't suppose it's around anywhere? Rocky and Bullwinkle...?

*FluffyDuckee*

  • Knights of the RT
  • Knight of the RT
  • *****
  • Posts: 6452
  • Waves to everyone
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2010, 05:44:05 PM »
iPhone, using the app iPrincemail

:rofl:
:duckling:

Poddy

  • Guest
Re: Fractured Fairy Tales - (1000 word limit)
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2010, 08:22:01 PM »
pretty good going Contessa, 966 words, I counted them hahahahaha