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Living With A Narcissist

Have you heard the Greek myth about Narcissus, a man who was extraordinarily handsome and fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water when he leaned over for a drink? Since he couldn’t woo and win his own image, Narcissus died from sorrow by the water’s edge.

The tragic name lives on as the white and yellow flower into which he was transformed and it also means people who are obsessed with their own appearance.

There is actually a medical condition for those who are stuck on themselves: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In a 2008 study, out of 34,653 adults who participated in face-to-face interviews, some 6.2% of them were identified as having NPD.

Despite the common belief that the female sex is more vain than their male counterparts, more men than women were afflicted with NPD and the disorder was linked with significant psychiatric disability among men. NPD was also inversely related to age: more common in oldsters than youngsters.

Dysthymia is mood disorder also called persistent depressive disorder (PDD). Men with NPD were significantly less likely to have dysthymia compared with men without NPD, the researchers discovered.

It seems that some men become insecure about growing old – who knew? The study authors wrote:

“Substance abuse and dependence may reflect attempts on the part of men with NPD not only to reestablish or maintain grandiosity, but also to defend against the negative affect accompanying dysthymia that often accompanies aging and life’s inevitable limitations. Taken together, these results suggest a propensity of men with NPD to self-medicate to maintain a sense of omnipotence and grandiosity, to protect a very fragile self esteem, and to ameliorate feelings of depression, guilt, and worthlessness associated with dysthymia.”

Many people who haven’t been formally diagnosed with NPD exhibit some of the personality traits that distinguish this mental aberration:

Inflated sense of self
Requires constant praise
Takes advantage of others
Neither recognizes nor cares about the needs of others
True narcissism goes beyond being self-centered or lacking empathy. People with NPD can be very good at hiding their affliction behind a mask of friendliness and charm.

Experts believe that NPD arises from childhood events that created low self-esteem. For this reason, even though narcs (narcissists, for short) have huge egos, they are thin-skinned and recoil from criticism.

There are two main kinds of narc. A cerebral narcissist comes across as an obnoxious, haughty, smart know-it-all who lives inside their own head. A somatic narcissist, on the other hand, is obsessed with personal body image, sexual performance, and physical fitness.

If you grew up with narcissistic relatives (as I did), it can be difficult to admit that there is something wrong with their thinking and behavior. But it is vital for your own safety to be honest about their true nature – and it isn’t pretty.

Following are the nine steps to help you deal with any narc you meet during your lifetime:

Pierce the veil of illusion.
See through the narc’s superficial charm, grand ideas, and promises into the true personality. If you are dining out, is your date nice to you but nasty to the server? Disrespecting others is a hallmark of NPD, as are bullying, manipulation, and lying.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do other than accept the fact that you are hanging out with a narcissist. Odds are slim to none that the narc can (or wants to) change.

Be #1 in your own life.
People with NPD or such tendencies insist on being the center of attention. At first, you may oblige narcs and cater to their every whim. But it’s vital that you stop putting their needs ahead of yours each and every time. In any case, no amount of coddling will satisfy a narc – and you might just exhaust yourself trying.

If you live with a narc or must spend time with one, take regular time-outs for your personal needs. Realize that the narc doesn’t care about your needs and will never gratify them. Furthermore, it isn’t your responsibility to “fix” a narcissistic personality. In fact, it’s well nigh impossible.

Speak up for your own rights.
If you can’t escape a narc (at work or because you live with one), it will probably become necessary to defend yourself against her/his massive ego. Some people with NPD like to upset others, for kicks. If you are targeted, keep your cool and don’t provide any fuel or feedback to encourage this appalling behavior.

Tell the narc, calmly and gently, how their words and deeds diminish your well-being. Be specific and let the narc know how you expect to be treated. Be prepared for a blank stare, denial, or some other form of push-back from the puffed-up, uncaring narcissist. At least you tried.
********************************************************
Narcissists get their name from Narcissus who, according to ancient Greek mythology, fell in love with his own gorgeous reflection in a pool of water and died pining for his own unobtainable love.

People diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have an inflated sense of self, require constant praise, take advantage of others, and don’t give a toot about the needs of others. They tend to be haughty, vain, self-centered, and either oblivious or uncaring about their own hurtful behavior.

Define the limits of tolerable behavior.
To narcissists, the world revolves around them. They are so self-absorbed that they can’t put themselves in other people’s shoes, figuratively speaking. They will, however, go through your closet and literally try on all your shoes – and perhaps take the ones they like.

Narcissists love to boss you around, tell you how to feel, give advice you didn’t ask for, take credit for your accomplishments or hound you to discuss private affairs in public. You must set behavioral boundaries and stick to them – or else the narc will call your bluff the next time.

Expect resistance.
If you’ve gotten this far with the narcs in your life – put your needs first, set boundaries, and followed through on consequences to their hurtful actions – you have probably gotten their attention. And not in a good way.

A true narc will counter with their own needs list, try to guilt-trip you, go for sympathy or tell you that you are the one who is manipulative and unreasonable. Don’t believe it for a second – and NEVER CAVE IN or else, once again, the narc will know you aren’t serious.

Stay positive about yourself.
People with NPD may be incapable of apologizing because to do so would mean admitting they were wrong about something and must accept responsibility for their own behavior. Instead, a true narc will turn the tables and blame you for what she/he did to you.

Be strong and stand up for yourself. Remind yourself that you are in the right and that you are not the narcissist in the room.

Find strength in numbers.
If you must interact with narcissistic people, limit your time with them to avoid psychological vampirism. Seek out the company of other people who aren’t on a colossal ego trip.

Build healthy relationships in your life around family, friends, clubs, classes, community activities and/or volunteerism. Set yourself up for success despite the narcs in your life.

Realize the narc may need professional therapy.
One of the hardest things I ever did in my life was admitting to myself that my own family is full of narcissists who haven’t yet been diagnosed and are unlikely ever to be so. They truly believe that I am the problem, not them. They have called me crazy and demonized my beliefs. In the next breath, they tell me how much they love me.

In some cases, you could suggest (gently, but firmly) that a narc might benefit from talking to a therapist. But don’t hold your breath. Remember, people with NPD have the mistaken self-belief that they can do no wrong. That doesn’t mean you have to play the doormat and let narcs walk all over you. Above all, don’t let a narc wear you down emotionally and make you sick (mentally and/or physically).

Know when to abandon all hope.
Make no mistake about it: narcissists are abusers. They resort to name-calling, insults, public humiliation, yelling, and threatening. They are patronizing, jealous, and sling accusations.

They love to blame you for everything that goes wrong, monitor your movements or attempt to isolate you, tell you how you really feel or should feel, routinely project their shortcomings onto you, deny things that are obvious to you, trivialize your opinions and needs or attempt to gaslight you (manipulate events and situations in order to make you believe that you are the crazy one).

When possible, be prepared to move on if the narc is abusing you verbally, emotionally, physically – or is making such threats. Likewise, put on your traveling shoes if you feel manipulated, controlled or isolated; if the narc shows signs of mental illness or substance abuse, but won’t get help; or if your mental or physical health is suffering from their mental disorder.

Narcissists only pay attention to you when your speech or actions impact them directly. Stay calm, be perfectly clear, stand firm, and be prepared to exit, stage right.

:tello:    Perhaps someday new legislation will be passed to eradicate narcs altogether to make the world safe for Democracy once again. Just sayin'....

97
The Round Table / Re: >**** ELKO SMASH ****<
« Last post by *Brum6y* on June 03, 2019, 02:06:13 AM »
One might say that goes without saying...

... but it was probably worth saying.
98
The Round Table / Re: >**** ELKO SMASH ****<
« Last post by *smee* on June 02, 2019, 01:24:51 PM »
Should a meeting eventuate
Best you leave your gun at home
99
The Round Table / Re: >**** ELKO SMASH ****<
« Last post by tellomon on June 02, 2019, 12:54:14 PM »
Wow! An honest, unexpected reply:

Fulmer, Tina <tina_fulmer@bearvalleyusd.org>
To:
Ron Tello

May 31 at 8:51 PM

Ron, I have received your email and I apologize, but I am not sure how I can assist you in your endeavor.  We have a process to obtain guest speakers on campus.   I watched your attachments and I am not sure how I could assist you at this time as BBHS is heading into finals and graduation.  If you would like to discuss your message with our district office personnel and get approval from the cabinet to speak, we would then need to see how it fits into the student's curriculum. 

Please now that I can not let people from the public on campus without going through the approval process. 

Thanks for your understanding and I wish you the best.
Tina Fulmer
Principal


:tello: "I'll need to get a suit and haircut and I'm all out of snappy shoes."

_________________________________

Ron Tello <m86thecat@yahoo.com>
To: Fulmer, Tina

Jun 1 at 5:59 PM

Principal Fulmer;
Thank you very much for your reply.
It is truly a FIRST for me here.

Can we pow-pow on neutral ground soon?
Then I can be more precise in describing my concerns without Campus Security
making me more nervous than I already am.  :cop: :badfinger:

I anticipate a positive experience.

Sincerely
Ron Tello Culley

100
The Round Table / Re: >**** ELKO SMASH ****<
« Last post by tellomon on June 01, 2019, 09:43:10 AM »
Nevada is excluded from the map because they don't qualify for humanitarian recognition.
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