Author Topic: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++ (Read 581466 times)

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1600 on:** April 05, 2011, 05:08:22 AM »

SNIPE 1600

*CountessA* · « **Reply #1601 on:** April 05, 2011, 01:11:35 PM »

I could see you hunting for the Great Snipe...

tellomon · « **Reply #1602 on:** April 05, 2011, 01:16:35 PM »

Grape Snipe?

What???

*smee* · « **Reply #1603 on:** April 05, 2011, 02:11:37 PM »

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1604 on:** April 05, 2011, 05:35:49 PM »

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department For Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees Enough and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £200 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £100 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, Along with a bottle of gin, and occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1605 on:** April 06, 2011, 05:01:46 AM »

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

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10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to pass this information on to.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

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15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1606 on:** April 07, 2011, 06:50:58 PM »

At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?
The child said, “No ma'am, my moms a good cook!”

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1607 on:** April 09, 2011, 02:23:30 PM »

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1608 on:** April 11, 2011, 05:28:43 AM »

Indian Chief Two Eagles was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that!"

*smee* · « **Reply #1609 on:** April 11, 2011, 11:57:53 AM »

The Chief also said ..... and that no name toilet paper that white man now sell in super markets in plain wrapper ..Chief Two Eagles think of name for it !!!

It should be called John Wayne toilet paper ......................

cos it donttakenoshitfromnoindian !

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1610 on:** April 11, 2011, 06:33:26 PM »

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1611 on:** April 12, 2011, 08:48:40 PM »

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1612 on:** April 15, 2011, 04:01:10 AM »

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1613 on:** April 16, 2011, 06:24:39 PM »

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1614 on:** April 17, 2011, 04:38:14 AM »

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE BRITTISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

A JOB,

A DRIVERS LICENCE,

SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,

WELFARE PAYMENTS,

FOOD STAMPS,

CREDIT CARDS,

SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,

FREE EDUCATION,

FREE HEALTH CARE,

A LOBBYIST IN WESTMINSTER,

BILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,

MONEY TO GO HOME IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT IN UK

THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1615 on:** April 18, 2011, 06:26:40 PM »

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1616 on:** April 19, 2011, 06:06:11 PM »

A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.

Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.

To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!

The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.

The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'

'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1617 on:** April 21, 2011, 07:47:33 PM »

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1618 on:** April 22, 2011, 06:53:41 PM »

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing."
"I'll double your fee," he said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
"Okay," said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to put my brushes." :-)

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1619 on:** April 23, 2011, 06:36:49 PM »

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1620 on:** April 25, 2011, 05:07:45 AM »

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1621 on:** April 27, 2011, 03:07:40 AM »

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1622 on:** April 27, 2011, 04:33:48 AM »

I think this guy may have something!!

The Secret to a Long Marriage!

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in York City , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked George, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

George replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Malta for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'George, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

George proudly replied, " I'm going back to Malta to pick her up."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1623 on:** April 28, 2011, 07:02:56 PM »

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1624 on:** April 28, 2011, 08:50:47 PM »

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recyclingbox under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I takeout the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only onecheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the houseto my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses thatI've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for theremote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so Idecide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water theflowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor..

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book

,I can't find the remote,I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm reallybaffled because I know I was busy all blummin day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

tellomon · « **Reply #1625 on:** April 28, 2011, 09:37:52 PM »

Hello,
Tommy!
I'm
Richard
Nixon.

I like your jokes <this> much!

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1626 on:** April 29, 2011, 03:12:41 AM »

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!'

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, 'I found out who peed in your saxophone

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1627 on:** April 30, 2011, 06:51:43 PM »

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1628 on:** May 02, 2011, 06:26:45 PM »

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1629 on:** May 03, 2011, 06:05:27 PM »

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1630 on:** May 04, 2011, 07:43:58 PM »

*** Breaking News***
CBC reports: Beginning in mid-2011 fuel stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else get screwed the same time that you do..

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1631 on:** May 05, 2011, 06:00:50 PM »

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

*CountessA* · « **Reply #1632 on:** May 05, 2011, 06:36:03 PM »

... and I also liked this joke enough to laugh when I should have been looking very serious.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1633 on:** May 07, 2011, 06:00:47 PM »

Q: Why do dogs make such poor gamblers?

A: When they get a good hand at poker, they wag their tail..

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1634 on:** May 08, 2011, 11:32:46 PM »

I'm not normally chatty about day to day things, but I thought this might interest some of you.

I met up with an old friend, a lovely man, but not very bright. (let me give you an example; think Benny of Crossroads, or David from Heartbeat)

Well, he told me that he was now a Furniture Dealer running his own Business, and very successful it is too.

Without wanting to upset Tommy (that's his name) I was more then a bit sceptical, so he told me about his latest plans, and what happened in his implementation of them. I then realised that he was, and still is the same loveable simple soul that endeared us all to him in the first place. Bless!!

Tommy had wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some Manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that this small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which he couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Tommy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1635 on:** May 09, 2011, 11:27:49 PM »

iTS GOOD... http://elrellano.com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli.html

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1636 on:** May 10, 2011, 04:52:28 AM »

A tale is told about a small town in the South of England, late 1800's that had historically been "dry" (no alcohol sold), but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern.

A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene.

It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible.

The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that: "No matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear"...........

"The Tavern Owner believes in prayer,

and the Christians do not."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1637 on:** May 11, 2011, 06:53:02 PM »

What did the spider email to the fly?
Visit my Web site!

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1638 on:** May 12, 2011, 03:08:26 AM »

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband:

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! the headaches are all gone."

The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1639 on:** May 12, 2011, 08:55:31 PM »

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1640 on:** May 14, 2011, 06:07:15 PM »

When the rod in her closet fell from the weight of her clothes Sally decided to donate some. While gathering the garments she no longer wore, she checked the pockets in one coat and found a ticket for shoes she’d brought in for repairs nearly four years before. “So that’s what happened to those,” she muttered. Later that day after dropping off the clothes, she decided to see if the repairman still had the shoes. After studying the ticket, the man said. “I’m sorry, but those won’t be ready until Friday.”

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1641 on:** May 16, 2011, 05:25:00 PM »

A man is in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, drowsy and recovering from the effects of the drugs he has been given. A nurse is standing over him checking his vital signs.

"Are me testicles black" he mumbles weakly through the mask. The nurse, a bit surprised by the question but not easily fazes, lifts up his gown holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other bends down and inspects him very closely for several seconds before saying, "No nothing wrong in that department, you are fine, nothing to worry about." With that she removes his mask. The man smiles " thank you nurse that was very kind of you and a nice way to wake up but what I said was "are my test results back?"

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1642 on:** May 17, 2011, 05:18:31 AM »

Little Jonny says to his mam,is it ok to have a willy
Yes said his mum why do you ask
Cos my dads upstairs sweating like mad trying to pull his off

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1643 on:** May 18, 2011, 05:19:05 PM »

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1644 on:** May 21, 2011, 05:55:18 PM »

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1645 on:** May 23, 2011, 03:29:59 PM »

How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1646 on:** May 25, 2011, 06:43:56 AM »

How do you sink an irish submarine?

Knock on the door.

How do you sink it again?

Knock on the door and they'll open the window and say

"Ah you'll not be catching me out this toime

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1647 on:** May 26, 2011, 04:48:17 PM »

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1648 on:** May 26, 2011, 11:44:58 PM »

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free educatio...n and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!' The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !' The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says ..... 'Probably at work'
.

tommy.irene · « **Reply #1649 on:** May 27, 2011, 10:32:50 PM »

The Dubai Fountain is a record-setting choreographed fountain system set on the 30-acre manmade Burj Khalifa Lake, at the centre of the Downtown Dubai development in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

It was designed by WET Design, the California-based company responsible for the fountains at the Bellagio Hotel Lake in Las Vegas.

Illuminated by 6,600 lights and 25 coloured projectors, it is 275 m (902 ft) long and shoots water 150 m (490 ft) into the air (equivalent to a 50-story building), accompanied by a range of classical to contemporary Arabic and world music. It was built at a cost of 218 million U.S. dollars).

Do NOT click on the word "NEXT" in the upper right of the picture square.

Just be patient and wait for the fountains to do their thing; You're supposed to listen to the glorious duet by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli. (I couldn't pick any music up, but not to worry, it was still spectacular in complete silence)

Turn your lights down. Click on the centre to start it if need be. Click on full screen (the 4 arrows in bottom right hand corner). Then sit back, take a deep breath and let the beauty relax, refresh, and rejuvenate you! The whole experience lasts for 5 minutes, and is very therapeautic indeed.

http://www.wimp.com/dubaifountain/

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Author Topic: ++++ WHATS UP WITH THE UK BOARD ++++ (Read 581466 times)